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MasterPo

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MasterPo last won the day on December 11 2012

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  1. Having a bleh night. Drove through a snowstorm, twice, to square away stuff at our old place. It was bad. I swear I could still smell your apple blossom shampoo and finding your cross trainers inside the closet hurt me bad. I bought those for you, for our walks, didn't know you left them behind. I hate you and I miss you. God, how screwed is that. It's been a long time and today set me back quite a bit. Storm was ugly but it didn't phase me. Couldn't see out the windshield my eyes were blurry and wiping the glass didn't help. Took a deep breath. Thought about breaking NC and calling you. No number, thank god for that. Bleh, it'll pass and I'm glad I stayed the course. Wondering if you miss me? Wondering when this tired old pain will just go away. Tired. Go away.
  2. Killing Lincoln/Bill O'Reilly. Interesting and captivating at first but then it lost me, can't seem to power up for the last chapters. Learned a bit about the Civil War and its historical insights though. I liked that much.
  3. Hmm.. well it has been 5 months since last contact, about a year and change since our last conversation. Guess we are done and whatever it is in me needs to accept that already. I think the weather has alot to do with my blue mood. Seems I was walking off the pain during cold days like this. Maybe I should go sit in the sun for awhile. Ugh. I don't know what i expected, maybe for you to show up but what would that do. Make me happy for a minute then wonder when you'd leave again? Just bleating. It will pass, I need to get over it already. Think I'll go make some shelves and indulge at Arby's. I miss you alot you pain in the #$#4. I do. Achh.
  4. Well... went on a date, a big one. Came home an hour ago - oops. She was nice. We talked a long time and she wanted to know why I never asked her out before. I was surprised. I told her I only came in every now and then and the most we ever talked was about a lottery ticket. She tells met that she had a Christmas gift for me but was too chicken to give it. Her co-workers thought it was a desperate move and seriously debated if I was gay or not. Shut me up. Gay? Me? Wow.. Told her about you and us, and that I walked with blinders on for a long time. As she rattled on about work issues, I started to wonder how many people I ignored. I guess those things happen. I didn't ask her out though, she asked me if I was interested in helping her with a project and would buy me dinner for my time. I was bored and didn't particularly want to work out. My big evening plan. So I helped her and it took all of 10 minutes but the rest of the night helping her cook my dinner. It was fun. We laughed and talked about random things. I can see why you never came back. You found this with any guy and I can see how it makes a person forget. I really started hating you then, so cowardly but then we all have our strategies. Ugh. It seems so easy just to start a relationship with her and forget, something you obviously did. I can't do it though, why would I subject her to the pain I just experienced. Ugh. So I told her and she told me shut up, she knew what she wanted. I suppose so and now I'm walking in, tired but fairly happy with the outcome. Hmm. I feel pity for you, you will stay with whoever comes along and never fight for anyone or thing. I see what my friends are saying, I dodged a big bullet and should be grateful. Bshhh... I still miss you and I hope one day I forget. I hope it comes soon. Bleh.
  5. Hey, I think I entered a new healing phase, about time I suppose. I was doing the reality thing in LA and I wish I could tell you about it as I got to see some of the film industry. The guys were there with their women and I felt sad. I think they thought I was gay being alone. Well, screw them if this thing takes off .. ahh.. nevermind not my speed. As I was waiting for the guys to finish up when I got into a conversation with one of the older ladies. She asked me where "my girl" was and I told that you were gone for quite some time. She tells me that she wondered why I had this sad look in my eyes. I laughed and it kind of creeped me out, who wants to walk around looking sad? She was nice and surprised me by asking for my or our story. I have it condensed and finished before her cigarette went out. We were sat there quietly and she floored me with her analysis. Told me not think into your contacts with me, as you are immature, you don't see the trouble you cause others. I should move on and forget you because you were done the moment you contacted me about your marriage. Girls do that, women do not. So I just opened my hands and asked quietly if there was any hope? She told me that you will always come back to me but not in the way I want. I would hate you and I'm not the man to roll over and forget. She knows that and will take her chances with someone else. I know she was stranger and her opinion is just that but it friggin killed me. Nothing like being told there is no hope. I wanted to talk to someone about all this but there is no one, or no one I trust enough. Bleh. Long drive home and some more pain. I will be fine but I really need to shut up and not talk about you anymore. There is no relief and maybe I'll just forget. Need the month to be over.
  6. I really should go do something but I can't, tired of exercising and tired of feeling this way. Ice cream proof blue funk. Ugh.. So you didn't text or call and there it is. I read my notes from long ago and although there are serious reasons for never going back, I dismissed them all. Didn't forgive, just dismissed them and stared at my chest - traitor. I'm going to forget about forgetting you, new strategy and just reflect and savor all the wonderful times. There were so great ones, maybe write about a few and leave them as lessons learned. Why not eh? Beats whatever strategy I've got going now. I got a present in the mail from our friend at the country club. She's getting on and rambled for 3 pages but in the end, she asked if we were back together? Achh. Maybe that was the start of this funk. Have to admit though, she really like "us" and it was so strange to see her try and fix people she barely met. Remember she did that fortune telling thing, telling us we will have 5 babies and one will die. I remember it because you were shocked it was the first time I witnessed your temper. I let it go as babble. After you left, she called to have me take out her water heater, during that job she was telling me not to give up that she was certain we were met to be. I was too miserable to care but now I have to answer her and find a gift. She was right though. Something did die and I'm glad it wasn't the baby. Must think of it like that. I miss you, I wish I was in a better place. Hate feeling this way. Bleh.
  7. Well, the day has passed and no text or call. I survived it apparently. No pain yet but then I'm in a sensory overloaded environment. Vegas is crazy on Christmas day. I think I will have to do this again. I think you deleted my phone number and moved on, which is smart considering your recent activities. I truly hope you are regretting it and scraping your memory for my digits. Neh, that's just the ego talking. Be gone and stay there. I will be fine.
  8. No call or text. At this moment I'm okay with it. Drove accross our big cold desert, it was nice - nobody around. Stopped at this RV camp because they were waving at me, thought some assistance was needed. No, they were just drunk and waving at almost non-existent traffic. I was invited to a drink of some hot alcoholic beverage, which I declined as I was driving. Crazy people. The gent of the group asked if I wanted a steak and proceeded to pull out a steak the size of small tire. I smiled and shook my head, asking instead if they had some water or coffee. I laughed when he tried to throw it to me, threw him off balance and the bottle sailed at me at a wild angle. My laughter, didn't mean to, angered him and I made my leave. Wishing all a merry Christmas. Some smiled and wished it back but the gent stood their angered and his hostile eyes challenged me. I gave him a curt nod and threw my truck into gear. Rolled hard for a mile then pulled over and found cover, I was watching for pursuit. I was 100 miles from the nearest civilization and probably a dangerous place if you weren't careful. No pursuit but I bet their might have been if I had shown fear. Crazy people. Thought of you, you loved this vast, cold/hot place - thought it romantic and erotically scary but felt so safe as I was there. I remember you saying that I took you to the places people stay away from and it turned you on that I was so confident of myself, turned you on. Made me sad and cursed the feelings I have for you. I guess you will stay with me for awhile longer, I don't think its love anymore though - just a form of grief. I miss my friend. I picked up the bottle of cold water and noticed the seal was broken, what a crummy thing to do. Probably drugged. I poured it out and wasn't surprised when it foamed, crazy people. Vegas is still packed as always. Lots of people hustling and I got a nice room. I looked out the south and took in the vast city still stretching off into the desert. Imagine not even 7 years ago, I walked way out there with you and there was nothing but Palo Verde and virgin desert. Took a nap, hot shower and I think I'm gonna find a good club and enjoy the atmosphere. Maybe a great dinner and a few beers. I miss you but you have a life and I have adventures to complete. I hate this feeling.... ugh.
  9. One more day. Waiting for the text or phone call. Either way, it'll hurt but I suppose that is the nature of this 'thing'. No matter, just one more thing to overcome and one day I simply won't remember you.
  10. Hey, Five days till Christmas. I'm wishing it to go fast and curse you for ruining an otherwise beautiful event. Bleh. No matter, your memory is like used motor oil it'll muck up anything I get into. So I'm waiting and wondering if you will send me the Christmas text or call. Probably a cowardly text. Just enough for me to wonder some more and for you to get whatever ego rush you need. I truly hope I don't open it but I will, macho ego always needs to test just how much pain I can take and/or how far along I've come. I hope I get annoyed and delete, not sappy and press my nose against the glass. Five more days. Ugh. It's alright though. Things with you come out of the blue and there is no damn way I can prepare for that. I decided I will ease back into society. A few dates and maybe some strong personalities will ease my journey and pull me along. That would be nice. Life has definitely changed for me, in many good ways but I don't see them as the hard work just masks the pain. Soon though, it will be there and I will happy. I hope you are thinking about me and all this NC is making you a better person. My Christmas wish for you. Sayonara.
  11. Hey, I bought a new phone today. It's nice and although I'm still 30 years, it seems, behind in phone technology I still like it. Discovered an interesting thing, some old voicemails - 14 of them. How that works I don't know but there they were, untapped and years old. Three of them are your old number, I imagine the newer ones are yours as well. I deleted them all, never looked back. Yes, it would have been nice to get them way back when but you don't belong in my new world so stay out. It still bothers me but that's the nature of this suffering I must endure. Christmas is coming and I wonder if you are going to text me or call. I think you might but just so you know, I'll delete or hang up. Nothing rude, I have nothing good to say to you or what we once had. However, if you can divine my actions, I will have no problem talking to you if you should find me. It probably won't end well for you as there is too much suffering to forgive and forget. Some people can do it but I'm fairly certain I want something better than the deal I got. Take care. Don't write, don't call and let me be happy. Oh yeah, Merry Christmas.
  12. Don't know but it's pretty good. Found some old pulp novels in amongst some hardware I purchased at the local swapmeet. Covers are gone, pages are missing but its a good read and wish I knew how it started or would end. Teach me to get curious.
  13. Hi, I screwed up today, what is wrong with me. Achh. I was doing so well, neh, I'm coping and hoping like everyone else. Today was nice. Mid 70's, slight breeze and it was great. So I told myself I would go watch spend the day watching movies and just being all about me. I didn't realize or maybe I did, that was I was duplicating our weekends together. You know - where we drove to wherever, got a nice room and then spent the day watching movies, usually two and then drifting through old shops, bookstores and tiny eateries. I was in the middle of all that when I spotted those goofy toys you loved so much - guess what? I found the mother lode. We usually found one or two in sketchy shape but all these were pristine and cheap. The sales lady almost gave them to me. God it crushed me. I smiled bravely and told her no thanks, she got huffy and left me alone. lol. Guess I have that way about me. As I left the aroma of pizza greeted me. I flashed back to our mocking argument on who had the best pizza - you always banged and harped about your upstate New York something and I would mock you by saying Walmart pizza was the same thing. Maybe I should've told you then but it used to be so cute when you got that pissed. Yeah, I should've but it was cute and funny to watch. We would sample a pie and you would do your critical taste test and I would pretend to be bored. I really miss that and I will never experience it again. God that is so sad. Honestly I don't remember the movie as I sat in the cold darkness, why is the A/C so cranked up??, and thought of you.. of us. It was wasn't so bad, I think I'm basically healed now. The pain is brief but goes fast. Your memory has all but disappeared, I see your shape more than your features. So now I don't what the future holds. Reminds me of my last day in the military, everybody had plans to party hard and then deployment orders happened. I spent my last day loading the guys out and nobody remembered I was leaving. It was okay, I wasn't big on farewells but I wish I had said goodbye properly. Such is the life. Feel a little better. Going to make something with my hands and let time slide between us. I'm almost there. Almost. Thank god.
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