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Thread: is this normal (no) what should i do, long term boyfriend says this to me....

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How old are you? Why can't you live with your parents? Is it normal in your culture to live with his entire family and act like household help? Why won't your family help you? Apparently you feel you want to stay or just be this family's slave. Unless they are paying you as a live in nurse, cook, maid, dog walker, etc what are you doing there wasting your life on these people? Stop being a victim/martyr. You have a car and a job so you can leave whenever you like. Are you being held prisoner in some way?
    Originally Posted by sailormarsam
    s i stay with him because i do care, i take care of his mom (feed her breakfast lunch dinner help take her out of bed (she cant move herself) for doctor appointments so on) take his nephew to school, walk our dog and his brothers dog, and work full time.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Replied in your identical thread on this :[Register to see the link]

  3. #13
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So you recognized that the brother's wife was right to leave, but you do not recognize that you are being used and abused? There is literally nothing normal about your relationship and living situation. Nothing at all.

    First of all, accusing you of cheating and speaking to you the way he does - not only not normal for any couple, but abusive. I also wonder if he is projecting and cheating on you behind your back. He certainly doesn't respect you and treats you worse than hired help.

    You have a job and help to get out, so get out today. Pack your things while he is not around and be gone. Yes, be sure to do so when he isn't around and call in your family to be there to protect you. Abusers who use you like he has been doing are going to pitch quite a fit that you've decided to leave. Just to be clear, NOT because he cares, but because he doesn't want to lose his free nurse, cook, cleaner, servant, rent income, etc. This guy is a parasite and you are the host. This is NOT what relationships look like.

    Also agree that you need to get some counseling to sort yourself out and figure out what healthy relationships actually are and what's driving you to keep staying in this mess. If you don't sort yourself out, you are likely to get into another mess again and again. So please....take a long time out from dating and really work on yourself. You are not supposed to feel guilty for kicking users and abusers out of your life......

  4. #14
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    Get out! You are in an abusive relationship! Not only that, you are the nurse, maid and dog walker- not even your dogs. Why are you doing these things? This sounds horrible!

    Would you advise a sibbling or best friend to stay in this mess?

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  6. #15
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    Stop using Christmas as an excuse. Your mother should be telling you to leave, not saying you will know when it it is right. Good grief! Is she also in an abusive relationship?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    You are for some reason normalising your issues as if every other couple has them.
    They donít!!! They might come across the same hurdles but they communicate and work on fixing them.

    Why are you living (I can only assume rent free) with his extended family?
    Clearly no committment there and since you are in his familyís home , no notice is needed to move you out?

    But thatís a small blessing in disguise! You also donít need to give notice , so move out today.

    They wonít care about the timing , why should you?
    She pays rent and still puts up with this garbage. Go to her last thread.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    It's not Christmas. Christmas is 20 days away.

    It is, however, a convenient excuse.

    You can leave. Question is, why don't you want to? What about this man is so very appealing?

    PS: you posted this twice.

  9. #18
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    I know it's hard to make a big change after this kind of time commitment, but you have to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, which I think it will be, then you're just wasting your own time (and his) by drawing this out. It may hurt in the beginning but won't you be relieved a year from now that you're not in this situation anymore? God bless

  10. #19
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Your problem is that you don't know your self worth. I understand that you will be leaving behind his poor mother and the brother's kids behind. You feel very obligated to them because they are innocent in all this......you are not a horrible person but will feel you are if you do leave. You poor thing. Nothing worse than having absolutely no support, or any help, or acknowledgement of how much you do for that family.
    What you can do is contact a social worker and see if they will be eligible for some home care for his mom or see if she would be better off in a facility. making these arrangements will guarantee she will be taken care of. As for the boys, their parents will have to take care of their needs. Once you get the mom's care established. Pack your stuff up and leave. Use the time apart to work on the relationship or to come to terms that there will be no reconciliation.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Your problem is that you don't know your self worth. I understand that you will be leaving behind his poor mother and the brother's kids behind. You feel very obligated to them because they are innocent in all this......you are not a horrible person but will feel you are if you do leave. You poor thing. Nothing worse than having absolutely no support, or any help, or acknowledgement of how much you do for that family.
    What you can do is contact a social worker and see if they will be eligible for some home care for his mom or see if she would be better off in a facility. making these arrangements will guarantee she will be taken care of. As for the boys, their parents will have to take care of their needs. Once you get the mom's care established. Pack your stuff up and leave. Use the time apart to work on the relationship or to come to terms that there will be no reconciliation.
    That type of care is expensive. I think that it is their responsibility to look into the mother's care. Once the OP is no longer there to be the caregiver, they will have no choice than to step up. She has really allowed this to get out of hand.

    There is no respect and the guy is emotionally abusive. He does not sound like he respects or cares for her, yet uses her for her free services. She should get out, and be done.

    OP, stop enabling people like this. I also suggest that you seek out a therapist.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 12-05-2019 at 12:50 PM.

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