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is this normal (no) what should i do, long term boyfriend says this to me....


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hey there. so me and my boyfriend have been together for about 4.5 years id say, we have had our ups and downs and trust issues in the past like most couples. however our situation is different in the sense that we live together (i live with him, his mom, his brother and his brothers son, his brothers wife left him as he was not too kind to her tbh and they had their own problems)

 

so my boyfriends mom became severely disabled a few years ago along with his brothers wife leaving the home as well, and despite our own relationship problems (he had some trust issues believed i was cheating on him) i stay with him because i do care, i take care of his mom (feed her breakfast lunch dinner help take her out of bed (she cant move herself) for doctor appointments so on) take his nephew to school, walk our dog and his brothers dog, and work full time.

 

now (past 2 years id say) he constantly tells me im usless and i dont do anything and to leave when we fight or argue or because hes mad or having a day then also will say (almost every day) “hows your boyfriend” “we are just friends” “your my pal” sometimes he ignores me completely, he tells me that i should go to school (i want to but when could i???!!!) and we dont have any physical interactions besides sleeping in bed next to eachother and sometimes cuddling untill im tired of him trying to have intercourse (which i dont even feel like) and he turns around.

 

im so tired of this endless game, but i dont know what the hell to do, ive tried and tried to be nice and still try to love him despite what he says, should i really leave? is this normal? he will tell me to leave when we fight and then ill say ya and then he acts like nothing happened and he wants to be my boyfriend again? please help!

 

 

summary is that i need advice i am not happy in my current situation at most times.... and thhink about leaving so often, but at one point it wasnt like this , is thhis normal to happen to couples? should i just up and leave how do i leave?

 

ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up? help!!

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hey there. so me and my boyfriend have been together for about 4.5 years id say, we have had our ups and downs and trust issues in the past like most couples. however our situation is different in the sense that we live together (i live with him, his mom, his brother and his brothers son, his brothers wife left him as he was not too kind to her tbh and they had their own problems) so my boyfriends mom became severely disabled a few years ago along with his brothers wife leaving the home as well, and despite our own relationship problems (he had some trust issues believed i was cheating on him) i stay with him because i do care, i take care of his mom (feed her breakfast lunch dinner help take her out of bed (she cant move herself) for doctor appointments so on) take his nephew to school, walk our dog and his brothers dog, and work full time. now he constantly tells me im usless and i dont do anything and to leave when we fight or argue or because hes mad or having a day then also will say (almost every day) “hows your boyfriend” “we are just friends” “your my pal” sometimes he ignores me completely, and we dont have any physical interactions besides sleeping in bed next to eachother and sometimes cuddling untill im tired of him trying to have intercourse (which i dont even feel like) and he turns around. im so tired of this endless game, but i dont know what the hell to do, ive tried and tried to be nice and still try to love him despite what he says, should i really leave? is this normal?

 

Yikes. It is telling that you even need to ask.

 

No, it is not normal. Yes, you should leave him.

 

He has all sorts of issues and it is not your job to fix him, because for a start, he does not respect you at all.

 

4.5 years of your precious youth that you have given him, toiling for the sake of his family, what have you got in return?

 

Cut him loose, get counselling to understand why you stayed with an abusive partner for so long. Then move on with somebody who respects you. Look after your own interests, including your finances. All that time you have lived in his house, have you been saving for a rainy day? Cos the rainy day is coming...

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ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up?

 

i pay rent to live with him and his family.... i pay my car insurance and my own bills, on top, so i barley can save half the time, thats my other concern, however my parents said they would help me with my first months rent when i do decide to finally have the courage to leave..

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Yes you should really leave! No, he's not normal. Yes, up and leave. Get your power back. Get financial independence and then you'll have more choices in life. Never allow a man or anyone disrespect you! Learn to stand on your own two feet and become outspoken.

 

The right time is now. Never tolerate anyone who abuses you. Timing doesn't matter. You need to flee. So what if it's Christmas? Now is a good as time as any. No, don't sit around and wait for everything to blow up. Run for your life and never look back.

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ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up?

 

Nope. Timing is not an issue, Christmas is a day. There's no time like the present, and we never get any time back to live over again. Why wait for things to get worse when they're already lousy now?

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ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up?

 

i pay rent to live with him and his family.... i pay my car insurance and my own bills, on top, so i barley can save half the time, thats my other concern, however my parents said they would help me with my first months rent when i do decide to finally have the courage to leave..

 

*sigh*... I'm going to stay away from gender roles because that seems to upset people here. But let me tell you what should be the norm...

 

1) He should be working hard to save money to move out of his family home and build a nest with you. (Does he even work?)

2) He should appreciate the help you provide for his family.

3) He should value your very presence in his life.

4) If finances are tight, I can understand if he asks you to share some utility costs. But paying him for the privilege to have a woman in his bed every night? What?!

 

There is a reason why women usually seek marriage to secure their legal and financial rights within a few years of dating somebody.

 

My ex has lived at my house for over a year now. I never even considered asking her for rent. I did not put her on a pedestal, but I considered it an honour and a privilege that this woman trusted me and loved me enough to share her life with me so intimately. Even after we broke up, I am letting her stay at my house rent-free for a while until she can sort out her options elsewhere. Trust me, I am not rich by any means. I am still servicing a mortgage on that house, but to me, living a little more frugally myself is small price to treating somebody with dignity and respect.

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I would be seriously wondering if he is projecting because he is the one who is cheating. His insistence that you're just friends is a huge red flag, because it reads as though he is trying to give himself a pass to misbehave when your head is turned.

 

Even if he's not cheating himself, this is an awful situation. I'm astonished that you're even questioning whether this is normal. Nothing about this is normal.

 

Take your parents up on their offer to help you out, and leave. This isn't going to get better.

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You are for some reason normalising your issues as if every other couple has them.

They don’t!!! They might come across the same hurdles but they communicate and work on fixing them.

 

Why are you living (I can only assume rent free) with his extended family?

Clearly no committment there and since you are in his family’s home , no notice is needed to move you out?

 

But that’s a small blessing in disguise! You also don’t need to give notice , so move out today.

 

They won’t care about the timing , why should you?

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How old are you? Why can't you live with your parents? Is it normal in your culture to live with his entire family and act like household help? Why won't your family help you? Apparently you feel you want to stay or just be this family's slave. Unless they are paying you as a live in nurse, cook, maid, dog walker, etc what are you doing there wasting your life on these people? Stop being a victim/martyr. You have a car and a job so you can leave whenever you like. Are you being held prisoner in some way?

s i stay with him because i do care, i take care of his mom (feed her breakfast lunch dinner help take her out of bed (she cant move herself) for doctor appointments so on) take his nephew to school, walk our dog and his brothers dog, and work full time.
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So you recognized that the brother's wife was right to leave, but you do not recognize that you are being used and abused? There is literally nothing normal about your relationship and living situation. Nothing at all.

 

First of all, accusing you of cheating and speaking to you the way he does - not only not normal for any couple, but abusive. I also wonder if he is projecting and cheating on you behind your back. He certainly doesn't respect you and treats you worse than hired help.

 

You have a job and help to get out, so get out today. Pack your things while he is not around and be gone. Yes, be sure to do so when he isn't around and call in your family to be there to protect you. Abusers who use you like he has been doing are going to pitch quite a fit that you've decided to leave. Just to be clear, NOT because he cares, but because he doesn't want to lose his free nurse, cook, cleaner, servant, rent income, etc. This guy is a parasite and you are the host. This is NOT what relationships look like.

 

Also agree that you need to get some counseling to sort yourself out and figure out what healthy relationships actually are and what's driving you to keep staying in this mess. If you don't sort yourself out, you are likely to get into another mess again and again. So please....take a long time out from dating and really work on yourself. You are not supposed to feel guilty for kicking users and abusers out of your life......

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Get out! You are in an abusive relationship! Not only that, you are the nurse, maid and dog walker- not even your dogs. Why are you doing these things? This sounds horrible!

 

Would you advise a sibbling or best friend to stay in this mess?

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You are for some reason normalising your issues as if every other couple has them.

They don’t!!! They might come across the same hurdles but they communicate and work on fixing them.

 

Why are you living (I can only assume rent free) with his extended family?

Clearly no committment there and since you are in his family’s home , no notice is needed to move you out?

 

But that’s a small blessing in disguise! You also don’t need to give notice , so move out today.

 

They won’t care about the timing , why should you?

 

She pays rent and still puts up with this garbage. Go to her last thread.

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I know it's hard to make a big change after this kind of time commitment, but you have to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, which I think it will be, then you're just wasting your own time (and his) by drawing this out. It may hurt in the beginning but won't you be relieved a year from now that you're not in this situation anymore? God bless

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Your problem is that you don't know your self worth. I understand that you will be leaving behind his poor mother and the brother's kids behind. You feel very obligated to them because they are innocent in all this......you are not a horrible person but will feel you are if you do leave. You poor thing. Nothing worse than having absolutely no support, or any help, or acknowledgement of how much you do for that family.

What you can do is contact a social worker and see if they will be eligible for some home care for his mom or see if she would be better off in a facility. making these arrangements will guarantee she will be taken care of. As for the boys, their parents will have to take care of their needs. Once you get the mom's care established. Pack your stuff up and leave. Use the time apart to work on the relationship or to come to terms that there will be no reconciliation.

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Your problem is that you don't know your self worth. I understand that you will be leaving behind his poor mother and the brother's kids behind. You feel very obligated to them because they are innocent in all this......you are not a horrible person but will feel you are if you do leave. You poor thing. Nothing worse than having absolutely no support, or any help, or acknowledgement of how much you do for that family.

What you can do is contact a social worker and see if they will be eligible for some home care for his mom or see if she would be better off in a facility. making these arrangements will guarantee she will be taken care of. As for the boys, their parents will have to take care of their needs. Once you get the mom's care established. Pack your stuff up and leave. Use the time apart to work on the relationship or to come to terms that there will be no reconciliation.

 

That type of care is expensive. I think that it is their responsibility to look into the mother's care. Once the OP is no longer there to be the caregiver, they will have no choice than to step up. She has really allowed this to get out of hand.

 

There is no respect and the guy is emotionally abusive. He does not sound like he respects or cares for her, yet uses her for her free services. She should get out, and be done.

 

OP, stop enabling people like this. I also suggest that you seek out a therapist.

Edited by Hollyj
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Your own family has offered to help you move out.

No, your relationship is not normal and loving couples do not act hateful to one another like your boyfriend is acting towards you.

If you come here for advice and get validation that you should leave (which you have gotten) and you don't leave, then you need help with your codependency issues so book yourself into therapy to help you overcome that.

 

Search for a personal care worker for your bf's mother and kindly give her the information (phone number, web site etc) and then tell her you're sorry but you can't tolerate the abuse from her son any longer and that you hope she uses the information to get herself the help she needs and then get yourself out of there with the help of your family.

 

Yes, it isn't your job to make sure the mother is going to get the care she needs but I think that by doing something to alleviate your own misplaced guilt will help you to get yourself out of there feeling a little less guilty. It's up to the family to decide if they can afford it or if the government where you live will supplement her care after that.

 

You know this isn't what someone who loves you looks like so don't make anymore excuses to do nothing but complain while you stay and take it.

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Your own family has offered to help you move out.

No, your relationship is not normal and loving couples do not act hateful to one another like your boyfriend is acting towards you.

If you come here for advice and get validation that you should leave (which you have gotten) and you don't leave, then you need help with your codependency issues so book yourself into therapy to help you overcome that.

 

Search for a personal care worker for your bf's mother and kindly give her the information (phone number, web site etc) and then tell her you're sorry but you can't tolerate the abuse from her son any longer and that you hope she uses the information to get herself the help she needs and then get yourself out of there with the help of your family.

 

Yes, it isn't your job to make sure the mother is going to get the care she needs but I think that by doing something to alleviate your own misplaced guilt will help you to get yourself out of there feeling a little less guilty. It's up to the family to decide if they can afford it or if the government where you live will supplement her care after that.

 

You know this isn't what someone who loves you looks like so don't make anymore excuses to do nothing but complain while you stay and take it.

 

Totally agree with the co dependency !

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None of this is normal. Happy healthy couples do not have trust issues. They trust each other implicitly & unconditionally.

 

Your BF probably thinks you don't love him & are cheating on him because you are not have sex with him. you said it yourself you are too tired from all you do for the family. I get why you are tired but this is a problem of your own making. If you & your BF were unable to afford a place of your own, just the two of you, then the 2 of you should never have moved in together into somebody else's house (I presume this family home is owned by somebody who is not your BF). More importantly based on the crass way your BF treats you like some sort of indentured servant & the awful things he says to I can see why your sex drive toward him is nonexistent. I do not understand how you can say you love him when he is so rotten to you

 

Repeated fighting is a sign that this relationship is dysfunctional. It's OK to disagree with an SO. Sometimes under stress people snap & say mean things but the overall interactions need to be positive & loving. Yours are not.

 

So what that it's the Christmas season? What is sticking around going to get you? Do you think he's going to propose? Do you think there will be a Christmas miracle & he'll suddenly become an enlightened loving BF who appreciates all you do for him & his family?

 

When everybody you know -- all your friends & family -- don't like your relationship you need to take that as good evidence that what ever you have going on is wrong & bad. Take steps to correct it.

 

With your family's help move out. Go live with relatives. Get a job & support yourself.

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None of this is normal. Happy healthy couples do not have trust issues. They trust each other implicitly & unconditionally.

 

Your BF probably thinks you don't love him & are cheating on him because you are not have sex with him. you said it yourself you are too tired from all you do for the family. I get why you are tired but this is a problem of your own making. If you & your BF were unable to afford a place of your own, just the two of you, then the 2 of you should never have moved in together into somebody else's house (I presume this family home is owned by somebody who is not your BF). More importantly based on the crass way your BF treats you like some sort of indentured servant & the awful things he says to I can see why your sex drive toward him is nonexistent. I do not understand how you can say you love him when he is so rotten to you

 

Repeated fighting is a sign that this relationship is dysfunctional. It's OK to disagree with an SO. Sometimes under stress people snap & say mean things but the overall interactions need to be positive & loving. Yours are not.

 

So what that it's the Christmas season? What is sticking around going to get you? Do you think he's going to propose? Do you think there will be a Christmas miracle & he'll suddenly become an enlightened loving BF who appreciates all you do for him & his family?

 

When everybody you know -- all your friends & family -- don't like your relationship you need to take that as good evidence that what ever you have going on is wrong & bad. Take steps to correct it.

 

With your family's help move out. Go live with relatives. Get a job & support yourself.

 

She has a job. She works full time. That is what makes it even more obscene

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I'm not sure what the projection (expectations for the future) are. Do you mind explaining or exploring how you see your future with this person? You're living unmarried with his family. At some point you obviously thought it was a good idea. What was the original plan if you had one? Do you see this going on and on or do either of you have a plan in place for some independence away from family? If you're saving up for buying a home, that makes sense. If it's just to be together you know that's not a good idea to shack up with a guy and his family before any commitment. Are you in debt?

 

Some people have the idea that another person is useless when he/she is not financially independent. It's discriminatory and incendiary - in other words, hurtful to that person especially if you're working full time and saving towards your own goals or paying down debt. He's also insecure and passing comments in a passive aggressive way to wear you down. That kind of emotional abuse shouldn't be tolerated. I think what he really feels is guilty. He's not caring for his mother, he's an impatient boyfriend and he isn't independent enough to care for his family in a way that he may think a man should. He's fallen short and he's reacting to his own failures.

 

I'd have a better idea of your family dynamics and where you see yourself or where you used to see yourself if you included that in your first post. As harsh as it sounds, both brothers should take responsibility and pay for extra care for their mother or organize a care aid/home care to help look after her needs instead of using you as a primary caregiver. You should call a spade a spade regarding your personal/financial situation and learn when to say no when it comes to that kind of bullying/passive aggressiveness in a relationship.

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