Partner won't work

[saifox234]

First time posting something like this online. Just don't really have anyone in real life that I feel comfortable talking to about this. 

My partner (26M) and I (25F) have been dating for 5 years now and I really love him and want to marry him but there's one pretty huge issue in our relationship. I've worked for the entirety of our relationship while he's maybe worked a total of 1 year between different jobs over the past 5 years. I understand because we were both in college but now that we've both graduated nothings changed. 

I work 50+ hours a week with 1 full time job and 1 part time job. I pay our full rent, internet, groceries, pet supplies and any other expenses because he won't get a job. He said that he's looking and I've trusted him for a while but it's been over a year and a half now and I feel like im drowning in finances. I can't afford anything for myself. I can barely afford my medication and car payments and I'm so tired of having no savings because I'm using my entire income to support myself, my partner and our pets. I might even need to get a 3rd job once I have to start paying my student loans back.

Any time I try to talk to him about it though he just shuts down. He has severe anxiety and I suspect he also has agoraphobia which the pandemic has just made worse so I understand to a degree but I also have diagnosed severe anxiety. I take medication for it and went to therapy until I couldn't afford it anymore. He refuses to get help and I just don't know how to talk to him about it.

I'm worried that every time I talk about this problem everyone will just say to break up with him but it's easier said than done. Other than financial problems, our relationship is great and I love him so much. 

How do I talk to him in a productive way without him completely stone walling me?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, saifox234 said:

I work 50+ hours a week with 1 full time job and 1 part time job. I pay our full rent, internet, groceries, pet supplies and any other expenses because he won't get a job.

It's unclear why you are enabling him to be this lazy.

What does he do all day? Video games? Chat up women?

He is a house guest so you can ask him to leave. If he wants to act like this  let him go to his parents or a homeless shelter.

 He is not BF and certainly not husband material.

[Rose Mosse]

You're asking for advice on how to tolerate emotional abuse/stonewalling and how to specifically drown yourself further in a relationship that is serving no other purpose other than to worsen your mental health and physical health. 

If a person refuses to listen to you, you need to take the cue. He's not doing it because he's trying to be cute or because of mental health issues. He resents you and neither of you get along. You're emotionally attached and that happens in relationships. 

Do what's best for yourself and don't use the excuse that you're in love with him to tolerate his lack of care and consideration for you.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you are enabling him to be this lazy

I was going to ask the same.  If  you love him stop being his momma and his wallet.  Tell him the Bank of You stops end of the month.  Offer to help him find another place to live.  You two can date and be involved without sharing finances or living space, without you financially supporting him.  His mental illness doesn't mean you should provide for him financially.  You can be his girlfriend without doing anything of the kind.  I mean I would end the relationship because a person like that would not be a good match for me since work ethic and financial stability and solid financial values were a must but if it's not a must for you at least stop being his momma.  It's not sexy and it doesn't sound like he appreciates it or respects you for it.

[Tinydance]

Well first of all, I really doubt he's looking because if he was truly looking for a job, he'd find it. If he honestly wants to find a job and his anxiety is getting in the way, then he needs to get help. He needs to do therapy, take medication, do everything he can. I'm not sure what country you're from but here in Australia we have employment agencies that are specifically for people with disabilities and physical or mental illness. They give a lot of support and they also have connections with more tolerant and supportive workplaces. Having agoraphobia is also not completely limiting because these days there are many jobs where you can work from home as well. Especially during COVID. You have anxiety and you're a prime example of how a person with anxiety can still work.

You might think that you're helping your boyfriend by financially supporting him but you're not. You are enabling him to not want to improve himself or to better his situation or life. Of course he's not going to try to get a job because he doesn't really need to. You pay for everything and provide everything.

I'd also like to say from personal experience that people don't change. I had literally the same issues with my ex. I did everything to help her look for work, I even actually wrote her applications. I even got her some jobs but she didn't even go to the interviews or go to the job. I tried for 1.5 years but then I just gave up and dumped her. Now she's a 35 year old woman who has pretty much never worked in her life. She doesn't even really have anything wrong with her except some mild depression.

[DancingFool]

When you are contemplating getting a third job so you can hang on to and support a leech....I think you've completely lost the plot on what a good relationship looks like. Sorry to be so blunt.

There is nothing that you can say to him because he is not interested in getting a job and changing the status quo. Why should he? He gets to sit home and do absolutely nothing while you work 2-3 jobs to support him and pay his bills. You've got to admit that he has one heck of a good deal going with you and no matter what, you will not get rid of him. You whine a bit, he blocks you, you keep working paying his bills, he keeps living off you, you make bs excuses for him being a leach and a user and he keeps living high on the hog.

Also, serious question - what does he do all day long when you are working that much? It's very clear he is not actually applying to any jobs and he is not taking care of his mental health either.

Truly the only way is for you to tell him that you can no longer afford to keep him and he needs to move out by x date. See how quickly he gets a job or dumps you and moves in with someone else as you are no longer of use to him.

I'm sorry, OP, but this relationship of yours is entirely parasitic. You really need to think long and hard why you are tolerating this and even defending it by asking people not to tell you the obvious - dump him.

[LaHermes]

45 minutes ago, saifox234 said:

I work 50+ hours a week with 1 full time job and 1 part time job. I pay our full rent, internet, groceries, pet supplies and any other expenses because he won't get a job. He said that he's looking and I've trusted him for a while but it's been over a year and a half now and I feel like im drowning in finances. I can't afford anything for myself. I can barely afford my medication and car payments and I'm so tired of having no savings because I'm using my entire income to support myself, my partner and our pets. I might even need to get a 3rd job once I have to start paying my student loans back.

Please re-read what you have written. Do you realise at all how insane that sounds OP?!

And this. How on earth can you love a parasite.  You want to marry a freeloader?! What is so "lovable" about him. 

46 minutes ago, saifox234 said:

I really love him and want to marry him

 

47 minutes ago, saifox234 said:

Any time I try to talk to him about it though he just shuts down. He has severe anxiety and I suspect he also has agoraphobia

Of course he shuts down. He has an easy life, and is a kept man. 

Also, look to yourself, OP, and ask why you are prepared to tolerate this situation. 

[Cherylyn]

There isn't a way to talk to him in a productive way because every single time you do, he turns a deaf ear.  To him, you are merely noise. Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.  He's stone walling you because you provide food on the table and a roof over his head.  Why should he seek and attain employment?  That's what you are for.  He's a free loader and he's sponging off you. 

He won't change for you.  Once you accept this concept of no change, then you will determine when it's better to part ways permanently so you can live your life as you see fit. 

You say your relationship is great and you love him so much.  "Love doesn't pay the rent." 

[Kwothe28]

47 minutes ago, saifox234 said:

I'm worried that every time I talk about this problem everyone will just say to break up with him but it's easier said than done. Other than financial problems, our relationship is great and I love him so much. 

 

It doesnt have to be. Him being a "leech" is more then enough reason for a break up. He needs to pull his own weight. To work, pick up some bills, take care of the stuff around the house etc. If he doesnt you might as well live alone. Bills would be way smaller(for rent you can take a roomate to split or take a smaller place just for yourself), you would shop groceries for one etc. So you wouldnt have to take 3rd job to support his lazy ass. What I am trying to say is, him being like that is big enough problem for both of you. Even if he is great boyfriend otherwise. So, doubt it would help, but have a talk with him. And tell him that if he wants to continue to live with you that he has to get a job because you cant pay all of it alone. And that you will show him the door otherwise. You cant take a 3rd job just because of him, that is downright insane. You are in no obligation to support him and well within your right to just throw him out if he wont contribute to household.

[Lambert]

How you could you expect any response but dump him?

What does he have to be anxious about? He has no responsibilities.

And you are in denial about what a great relationship and partner are.  

You don't have a boyfriend. You have a child. A big one.

[Tinydance]

Also I think a relationship can't be great if there is even one bad thing that is so huge. And wanting your partner to have a job is a pretty basic thing to ask. But even if it was something like for example someone is a vegan and only wants to date vegans. But they're dating a meat eater hoping they'll change and become a vegan, become the person they *really* want. Well, that person most likely would not change because people don't change. And even if the rest of the relationship was great, that one big thing would mean that it wouldn't work out.

[boltnrun]

I suffer from anxiety. My doctor categorized me in the "High" level on the anxiety scale. 

I work. I always have. Other than a 6 week period when I was on disability for my anxiety  (which I qualified for because I HAD A JOB) and a two month period when I had Covid, I worked. I found two jobs during the pandemic and have been contacted for several more.

So, work is out there. But why should he bother when you are willing to work 3 jobs to pay for everything? 

Let him know he has 30 days to either find a job or move out. Surely his parents will be willing to financially support him while he sits around doing nothing all day.

[mical]

not sure yet if he is taking advantage of you or you or anything, but i'd suggest putting your foot down and letting him know that if you are going to pay finances he'll have to at least send some resumes..some people will take advantage so you gotta watch out..

I once helped out an acquaintance who recently moved to europe from Africa with a poor family back home and said he could stay on my couch or whatever and cooking him meals etc...but then after a week or so realized he wasn't looking for jobs or sending resumes...so i just said "hey, im happy to help you out any way i can, but you should at least be searching for jobs"..after few weeks i asked how many resumes he sent out and how the situation was with finding a job, he said he didn't send any and was just on facebook the whole day pretty much, so i just said one last time, after few days still never sent any resumes so i told him sorry but he must pack his things and leave...

Just explain you're ok with helping out, but he's gotta put some effort to finding a job and contributing..

Its not easy..I felt pretty bad telling him to leave and still feel bad about it today, but we are still in touch and talk every once and a while, he has his own business back in Nigeria..doing alright.

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

What does he have to be anxious about? He has no responsibilities.

And you are in denial about what a great relationship and partner are.  

You don't have a boyfriend. You have a child. A big one.

Exactly Lambert. I see no room here for latitude. And the OP would be wasting her time talkingto this lazy freeloader. 

 

3 hours ago, saifox234 said:

I'm using my entire income to support myself, my partner and our pets. I might even need to get a 3rd job once I have to start paying my student loans back.

The question I have to ask is: why are you enduring this martyrdom, OP. 

Get rid of this dead weight and you will find someone who is capable of behaving like a responsible human being. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, saifox234 said:

He has severe anxiety and I suspect he also has agoraphobia which the pandemic has just made worse so I understand to a degree but I also have diagnosed severe anxiety. I take medication for it and went to therapy until I couldn't afford it anymore.

I'm worried that every time I talk about this problem everyone will just say to break up with him but it's easier said than done.

Stop buying his food or paying any of his expenses.

Do not nag, fix, mother or otherwise try to change him. Do not pamper or play therapist.

That way, since you don't want to breakup, he'll have to get off his rear if he wants to eat.

Do not suggest mental health care or resumes, etc. 

Take care of yourself and your own mental and physical health.

[waffle]

Your use of the word "partner" is ironic as he is anything but.  Don't even consider marrying someone like this.  The chances of it ending in divorce are approximately 100%.  You think it's easier said than done to break up NOW?  Wait til you have to shell out for a divorce lawyer and give the ex half of your retirement and other assets because he has none.

[reinventmyself]

One of the best pieces of advise I got (post divorce) is to ask yourself if your potential life partner is someone you would go into business with?

Because after time when all the warm fuzzy feelings settle and you are left with the business with running a household and raising a family, you are essentially *in business with this person.  

If this was a business you would be bankrupt.  You are well on your way emotionally and financially.   You really aren't doing him any favors.  My guess, without you propping him up, he might actually have to do something about his issues.

Believe you deserve better. . . It's ok to love someone and at the same time recognize you are no longer good together.

[reinventmyself]

 A life lesson I have learned -

Whenever you catch yourself waiting someone to change or be someone or something else. . .You are in the wrong place.

What you have is right in front of you.   You have 5 years of history to prove it.

[Capricorn3]

6 hours ago, saifox234 said:

 because he won't get a job.

Any time I try to talk to him about it though he just shuts down.

. He refuses to get help

OP, all of the above are massive red warning flags and if you choose to ignore them all, then be prepared to live a very stressful, lonely, miserable life with a leech who will suck the very life out of you.  Does that even sound appealing in any way?  Think about it.  He's an emotional vampire and you will become a shell of yourself.  It's horrendous that you allow this to continue.  As you have noticed, all the love in the world hasn't made any difference to him - if anything, all it has done is make him take even more advantage of you (if that's even possible).  This is not a match made in heaven - quite the opposite - a match made in hell.

You two are beyond incompatible and you really should wake up to that fact.  Don't let his mooching, leeching, lazy ways control you, because that is exactly what is happening.

You sound like a lovely and intelligent girl but for the love of ....., please, whatever you do, do NOT marry this lazy a$$.  You can do so so much better.  You need to start living for yourself now and make a good life for yourself.  Get you life back together again and see yourself thriving and happy.  You can do it!!

End it. Yes, it is hard and will hurt, but needs to be done.  End it.  Then walk away with head held high, self-respect and dignity in tact.  Time to look after YOU.

[Seraphim]

How do you talk to him productively ? You say goodbye. I have had nervous breakdown and PTSD and panic disorder and agoraphobia. I am recovered enough to be completely functional and work. If he won’t get help you say goodbye. You are not his mommy. 

[Bothered2021]

Not working isn’t an option, unless you’re an heir to a massive fortune. You can love him all you want but that won’t make up for struggling the rest of your life with someone who contributes nothing. I would express to him that he needs to talk, listen and make a plan to secure a job or it’s over. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Bothered2021 said:

Not working isn’t an option, unless you’re an heir to a massive fortune. You can love him all you want but that won’t make up for struggling the rest of your life with someone who contributes nothing. I would express to him that he needs to talk, listen and make a plan to secure a job or it’s over. 

You know even if I were or my partner was I'd still want us to work - perhaps purely volunteer but yes - contribute in some "work like" way unless we were officially retired.  Also massive fortunes can unfortunately go kaput so it's good to keep up marketable skills.  Gotta sign off for now, my limo has arrived so I  can go buy other lottery ticket...... 😉  I think for the OP even if her partner had a massive fortune my sense is he would hide it from her or not share it in any real way - all he's shown is he is a taker and an excuse-maker.

[melancholy123]

Why by a cow when you can get the milk for free?

This guy is a mooch and you are an enabler, It's that simple.  He's taking advantage of you because you let him.

I doubt he's looking for a job, he could get a job at McDonalds or similar at the very least.  He needs help for his mental health.

Time to stop being his mommy and tell him he's moving out in X weeks if he doesn't get some kind of job, and be firm when the time frame is up.  You can do better.  This is not love.

 

[ellamei]

You let him abuse you. I don't understand why you're sticking up with him when you can feed yourself all alone. But I won't be one of those who will yell at you and ask why do you even love him. Clear your mind and see the red flags. Please love yourself first. 

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, saifox234 said:

How do I talk to him in a productive way without him completely stone walling me?

You can't. You have tried that and it doesn't work.

He isn't willing to listen. Nothing you can do about that. If he's not willing to meet you halfway, you're out of luck. 

Instead, have a productive conversation with yourself: where do your enabling and codependent tendencies come from? What gave you the impression that this is a healthy way to love?