Is it normal in my generation for men to speak to woman like...

[SidneyCas]

So I am 30 now. An I have been in several long term relationships,  I have tried to go for different men all the time.  Looks, hobbies, lifestyle, the person they "pretend to be" at first.  Because people say i go for the same type of man.  So I go out of my way to find men different from the last. The problem is.. as different as they all appear to be at first.  They all end up extremely emotional abusive.  My boyfriend now must call me a dumb *** at least several times daily..that an other fowl disgusting names.  But every guy I have dated has put me down or called me names in 1 way or another.  I break up with men who speak to me like that..just to find another.   I really am a big sweetheart. I dont control them, don't pressure them to be someone they are not. I do things for them everyday ... I try to listen to them an what makes them happy an make an effort. Generally the men I date fall "head over heals" for me.  (Never want to break up, become obsessed or possessive over me)  Problem is they treat me like ***.  Im wondering... is this something in my age I just have to accept?  All these men in the beginning claimed they were not like this.. an they all lied.   I dont want to keep being in unhealthy relationships.  I dont want to keep wasting my time either.  Is this just normal now?  Am I having high standards for even expecting different?  Is it a dream to think men my age ..dont talk to their woman like that after a few months?   Do you woman ... do all woman deal with this?  Or am I seriously cursed with men? 

[catfeeder]

53 minutes ago, SidneyCas said:

I have been in several long term relationships,

After the first time someone speaks to you this way, how do they end up becoming a 'long term' relationship?

You claim that you don't want to waste time, and yet you stick around to allow for more mistreatment?

Bad strategy.

If you don't want to waste time, walk away the minute someone speaks with cruelty.

And don't look back.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe it." --Maya Angelou

[Cherylyn]

No, it's not normal to disrespect women regardless of which generation of men you date. 

Your standards are high and never lower them and think this is all there is in society in the 30-something age bracket.  It's not true.  Don't generalize.

Classy men know how to behave like sincere gentlemen based upon how they were raised by their parents and how they were raised by fathers in particular.  Great fathers teach their sons how to be great men and fathers in particular, again teach their sons how to respect women.  Usually, sons observe their fathers while they're growing up and how their fathers treated their mother.  If this observation is all they've ever known, naturally they will treat their women with respect and love.  This is my husband.  He grew up observing his father treat his mother with love and respect so naturally my husband followed suit. 

Some men are influenced by their religious tenets and moral principles. 

Men are also influenced by their community or social life such as their friends ~ good, bad or indifferent. 

I don't think you're seriously cursed.  You've just had a string of bad luck and perhaps looking at all the wrong places. 

However, I agree with you in some aspects.  Finding a gem is like finding a needle in a haystack. 

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to date a lot of men in order to weed out the bad apples along the way. 

Hopefully, you can meet men within your mutual social circles or have friends or family do their homework for you.  Sometimes that's a good way to meet eligible bachelors.

Or, meet men in person instead of online.  Join charitable organizations.  Perhaps you'll meet empathetic types there.  Or, church if you're faith based.  Or, sports organizations if you're into fitness, clubs, organizations, intellectual groups, outing or excursion groups and the like.  Broaden your horizons and don't limit yourself. 

Meeting online can be very deceptive and then their true, unsavory colors are revealed to you which is a rude awakening.  Beware. 

Before I met my husband and father of my two sons, I went on a few dates which were duds.  I knew from the first date that these men were subpar.  Their personalities and characters were not good enough.  Something was off with them.  Some of them were a dime-a-dozen and typical.  There were a few red flags.  Granted, those red flags weren't huge but uncomfortable enough for my intuition to tell me that these men were not long term nor husband material. 

I've also worked with all sorts of bad men and I've worked with good men of integrity as well.  It was a mixed bag.

It's good to be able to afford to become very picky and choosy because it pays off later.  Never settle for mediocrity or less than that.  Haste makes waste.

[SooSad33]

47 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

After the first time someone speaks to you this way, how do they end up becoming a 'long term' relationship?

Yes, I wonder as well. 😕 

No, not all are like this.  I have 4 boys, all but one is most successful in their relationships and respectful as well.

Could be a number of reasons ( their upbringing - due to family BU's.. or experienced some sort of abuse within their own homes..etc).

Are you constantly involved or take breaks for a while (especially if you've had a few long terms?)

 

[Rose Mosse]

If you are still in this cycle of abuse it's hard to see. It feels like a fog and things are blurry to you. Nothing feels right but yet it makes sense (or it did make sense at one point). It hardly makes sense anymore.

This is no boyfriend of yours if he's calling you names like that. Break that cycle, leave. Take time to yourself and recover for as long as it takes. Spend more time with your friends, find support networks that work for you. As sickening as the thought is there are places and cultures where women are treated as second class citizens and as the property of men and domestic abuse and violence is rampant. You have to start seeing the reality for what it is as ugly as it is. Be more vigilant and careful about the company you keep.

Absolutely do not stand for any violence or abuse whatsoever and choose self-preservation and peace of mind always above any other comfort.

I hope you leave your abusive partner.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, SidneyCas said:

 people say i go for the same type of man.  My boyfriend now must call me a dumb *** at least several times daily... I dont control them, don't pressure them to be someone they are not. I do things for them everyday ... I try to listen to them an what makes them happy an make an effort. 

Sorry this is happening. It's good you recognize that you are the common denominator.

Unfortunately you are confusing "big sweetheart" with doormat.

Also, you seem to have a victim mentality that thrives on drama.

Basically, you have the insight to recognize and describe all these red flags 🚩, but just go ahead with it anyway.

When you are done  looking for drama and want a relationship based on respect, you'll find it.

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, SidneyCas said:

Do you woman ... do all woman deal with this? 

No, and I imagine you already know that.

Your man-picker is seriously broken if you keep winding up in relationships with men like this. You don't deserve abuse. But you absolutely need to get away from these men at the first sign of disrespect. There should be no long-term relationship at all with bottom-feeders like these. 

It would be a good idea to stay single for a while and work on your self-esteem. Without a healthy sense of self-worth and strong boundaries, you will find yourself with abusive men in the future as well.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your man-picker is seriously broken if you keep winding up in relationships with men like this. You don't deserve abuse. But you absolutely need to get away from these men at the first sign of disrespect. There should be no long-term relationship at all with bottom-feeders like these. 

 

Yes, your answer is not that you 'end up' with these men, but rather that you overlook the first signs of cruelty and you CHOOSE to stay with them.

Dating is about screening OUT bad matches. It IS a 'needle in a haystack' mission to recognize that most people are NOT our match.

Love is rare, and it's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it?

If you settle for anyone who will have you and mistreat you, then that's how you 'end up' with a cruel and abusive man.

You are leapfrogging from one loser to another rather than taking the time to build stability solo. It's from that place of self-comfort that you'll notice and Pay Attention to red flags and walk away from anyone who shows them. You'll hold out for a good and mutually respectful match, and you'll understand that that is NOT 'wasting time,' it's valuing your Self AND your time.

Head high, ditch the dude, and take all the time you need to build the confidence you need to keep dating until you meet the RIGHT guy.

 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, SidneyCas said:

Because people say i go for the same type of man.  So I go out of my way to find men different from the last.

Sounds like you dont. You have mistaken "head over heels" with abusive behavior. Guys who would "fall for you" will hold you "like a little water on his palm"(its an alegory we use here in my country). They wouldnt call you names or put you down. You seem to fall for those types. Who would call you names and then beg you to get back together because "they love you so much". And you mistake that for some kind of affection toward you. Change the patern. Recognize the signs early on and dont stay there if it happens. Its not high standard to expect to be treated with respect. Its normal behavior in any relationship.

[Batya33]

Where and how do you meet these men?  Also what do you mean by "big sweetheart?" Is this a specific way you act towards men or towards people in general? 

[Andrina]

When Carrie Fisher was young and filming Star Wars and having an affair with Harrison Ford, George Lucas said to her, "Look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself." She was with a cheater who took advantage of a 19 year old. She admitted she lacked self-love.

You're the common denominator, and it's not merely bad luck. Stay alone and work on your self esteem. Even when you think it's boosted, work even longer, since you might think you're practicing self-love, but you still not be ready. I know that happened to me, and only in hind sight after another bad relationship I realized I still had more achieving to do.

Look back and see what red flags you missed since there had to be some. And think back on the point where you should've cut off things far sooner than you did to prevent further abuse. When you've learned from these experiences and have worked on your self-worth, I predict you will have far better luck in the romance department. Take care.

[HeartGoesOn]

14 hours ago, SidneyCas said:

My boyfriend now must call me a dumb *** at least several times daily..that an other fowl disgusting names. 

Is this the same guy from 2 yrs ago?  Unless I'm missing something,  I thought you broke up with him.

[LaHermes]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

No, it's not normal to disrespect women regardless of which generation of men you date. 

I agree with Cherlyn.  Of course it is not normal!

And here is huge red flag number ONE.  And obsessed and possessive are flashing red lights.  Obsession is not love, in any shape or form. 

14 hours ago, SidneyCas said:

Generally the men I date fall "head over heals" for me.  (Never want to break up, become obsessed or possessive over me)

"Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "

https://drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Read the entire article and then print out and pin up somewhere you can see it at all times, every day. It will sink in. 

 

[Capricorn3]

On 6/28/2021 at 3:19 AM, HeartGoesOn said:

Is this the same guy from 2 yrs ago?  Unless I'm missing something,  I thought you broke up with him.

I was wondering the same thing.  Why put up with being treated so badly? What do you get out of it?

If this has become a common theme in your life, then you're the common denominator.  Look within.

[Coily]

In short absolutely not normal.

Many have touched on possibly whys of how you keep finding these guys, and putting up with abhorrent behavior.

I want to ask, do you tend to find self value in being in a relationship? Do you have a tendency to not want to be on your own?

Women I know who hate being single, to the point they make poor choices in who they date, often end up with the same type of guy with different window dressing.  Only when they take time off dating, and look at the freindzoned guys (though rarely date those guys) do they shuffle the deck.

I'm curious as to what attracts you to these guys?

[SidneyCas]

On 6/27/2021 at 12:55 AM, SooSad33 said:

Are you constantly involved or take breaks for a while (especially if you've had a few long terms?)

I was single for 2 years in between from my last one until now. I have taken breaks.  I even insist sometimes I stay single. 

[SidneyCas]

On 6/27/2021 at 1:19 PM, HeartGoesOn said:

this the same guy from 2 yrs ago?  Unless I'm missing something,  I thought you broke up with him.

No. This is another boyfriend after I stayed single for over a year.  I did break up with last one. Just another one like him 🤦🏼‍♀️ that's why I'm wondering if men are just like this. I have never been or met a guy who hasn't been so far

[SidneyCas]

On 6/27/2021 at 12:14 PM, Batya33 said:

Where and how do you meet these men?  Also what do you mean by "big sweetheart?" Is this a specific way you act towards men or towards people in general? 

I met them All over.  Some at work, through friends, I have been doing charity work since I was a kid and I volunteer alot so I meet lots of people from all over, college ect. I have never done online dating. I dont trust what they are selling me.  I got to know this guy for 6 months before I would let him call me his gf.  Just so I didnt go through this again, an For 6 months he wore an amazing mask.  Tricked me in every way. Showed me kindness I've never seen.   Thats why I'm out of options of what to do.  Everything everybody is suggesting I have done. The whole be single..work on myself... go to counseling.. take time..screen men.. date around...do postive things in life.  No matter what these men find me.  Makes me think they are all the same.  So I came here to find out if people have experienced relationships that are not abusive. Because I'm seriously have no idea.. maybe its my town?   Idk at this point. But im moving state now. Because all I know here is abuse. 

[SooSad33]

On 6/26/2021 at 11:08 PM, SidneyCas said:

I try to listen to them an what makes them happy an make an effort. Generally the men I date fall "head over heals" for me.  (Never want to break up, become obsessed or possessive over me)  Problem is they treat me like ***.  Im wondering... is this something in my age I just have to accept?

Ok, was just thinking this... they also have been affected most likely with their own experiences, one way or another..

I am guessing you are over 30?

Might I suggest, you do NOT get involved with them at work/ through friends 😉 .  Not too nice to be involved w/ someone then have to continue to interact after a BU .

I agree with all other's have said... from it is you allowing it.. Know when to pick up on the red flags... be more cautious.

IF you've been with some guy less than 6 mos.. is most likely not love.

 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Might I suggest, you do NOT get involved with them at work/ through friends 😉 .  Not too nice to be involved w/ someone then have to continue to interact after a BU .

I think this is the best way to meet people.  Especially if the friends know a bit about your past perhaps and can vouch for the person being a person of character and integrity.  In today's world you're bound to "bump into" people you've dated on social media anyway.  I originally met my husband through work and the serious boyfriend before him through a friend.  I set people up all the time.

I know of many many fine people on dating sites over the years.  They're selling you nothing.  It's a way to meet people in person -and do this ASAP, in a public place, after a phone call where you discreetly do an additional "safety screen" - you don't date a profile, you don't date online -you use the site as one of several ways to meet potential matches in person.

I wrote above about the clues I see as to why you keep encountering men who are disrespectful to you.  Others also wrote about this -the "big sweetheart" thing etc - you may be giving off doormat vibes.

[DancingFool]

No absolutely not true that all men are like that. Quite frankly, you are consistently choosing the very trashy minority of men out there. Bottom of the barrel types. So yes, your friends are absolutely correct that you keep picking the same type of guy.

Type means type of core personality/character/values. You are focusing on the superficial things like looks, hobbies, jobs....buuut....losers come in all shapes and sizes and professions. You can date a surgeon who is also an insecure abusive loser. Your friends are seeing it and seeing a clear pattern in what kinds of men you are choosing, but for some reason you are not. Why is that? Something to think about long and hard.

From what you've shared, it seems that you over commit yourself when you should be simply observing and leaving as needed quickly. I don't think you need to be single, I think you need to learn how to date properly and actually use dating to learn who the guy really is and judge  whether he is a good person or one you need to get rid of yesterday. The first time you see toxic attitudes, whether toward you or others, you should be gone. OP, if a man spoke to me the way you are describing your bf speaking to you, he'd be sitting on the curb immediately the first time he uttered those words. No second chances for that. Why do you put up and tolerate that? Stop wasting your time on toxic men.

You have to learn to see the red flags and walk away quickly. Don't play wifey while dating. For whatever reason, you are drawn to men who are weak and insecure, no matter what form they manifest in. That's your common denominator and something you need to figure out and start recognizing and fixing within yourself.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, SidneyCas said:

I'm wondering if men are just like this. I have never been or met a guy who hasn't been so far

All men are definitely not like this. 

I guarantee that you've met men who aren't like this. You just haven't chosen any of them because you're more attracted to abusers. You have to figure that out. 

On 6/26/2021 at 11:08 PM, SidneyCas said:

Generally the men I date fall "head over heals" for me.  (Never want to break up, become obsessed or possessive over me)

Have you read about love bombing at all?

 

[Unsure2021]

Read “How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved” by Sandra L. Brown. It will clearly spell out all the red flags and may just change your life.

[Rose Mosse]

On 7/6/2021 at 5:52 AM, SidneyCas said:

Because I'm seriously have no idea.. maybe its my town?   Idk at this point. But im moving state now. Because all I know here is abuse. 

I hope this current boyfriend is not going with you. DF mentions a lot of good pointers. Keep your filters on wherever you go.

[dias]

On 7/6/2021 at 6:04 PM, DancingFool said:

No absolutely not true that all men are like that.

 

On 7/6/2021 at 6:10 PM, Jibralta said:

All men are definitely not like this. 

 

On 6/27/2021 at 5:55 AM, SooSad33 said:

No, not all are like this.

We aren't? I thought we all are. I don't like it when people particularize, it's offensive to the majority.