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Everything posted by Unsure2021

  1. What a horrible discovery. I’m so sorry OP! Goes to show we rarely truly know who someone is. Give yourself big props for listening to your gut and checking for yourself. Never feel guilty about protecting yourself, especially when the other person is clearly deceptive, promising one thing and not delivering or communicating. This may also save your life, as unfortunately this man is likely gay (the only man I know who actively searched and watched gay porn more than once is gay). He may be engaging in gay sex, which is very high risk unprotected, and that may be also the reason he doesn’t seek you out for sex or loses his erection during the act. I would definitely not marry this man and put an end to the relationship as he is not who he claims to be. Also, even if he weren’t gay (big if), people’s sexual habits rarely change so even if he makes promises, he will likely continue to not deliver and waste your time. You deserve much better.
  2. OP, you seem pretty self-aware and I don’t think you’re necessarily childish but maybe disappointed. This feeling can make us feel sad and even if logically you know it makes no sense, your feelings don’t need to make sense. Just listen to them and accept them. It’s normal to be disappointed when someone’s actions reveal to us that we may not know them as well as we thought or that maybe their feelings for us weren’t that deep. You obviously care a lot about this woman and it seems she moved on a bit quicker than you, or was a bit more experimental. This may also have to do with her condition. Maybe you feel gypped and like you lost out a bit sexually, and have some fomo. If it continues to bother you, try writing down why. What are you making it mean? Is this extra sex partner a symbol of an imbalance in the relationship for you or are you looking for something to sabotage this otherwise ‘perfect’ relationship? A therapist may also help. Try and relax and enjoy your relationship.
  3. I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. It’s not your fault that Covid made life so lonely for most of us. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting a family of your own. Just be mindful that everything comes at a price and the grass is not greener on the other side. Comparisons are harmful, as you don’t know what goes on in someone’s relationship from the outside. Who you choose as a partner has a great effect on your mental health and being with a ‘nice’ but covertly aggressive guy, who has no self awareness or maturity, can make your life a living hell. I wasted my youth on such a man, thinking he would mature over time, and was a huge mistake. If I were you, I would dump him, get into therapy and work on why you’re entertaining these types of men and completely quit alcohol. If you truly want a child, you’ll take actionable steps towards this and get healthy. You can get pregnant after a year of sobriety and have a child on your own if you have a good support system. You can always meet a man later. Make a plan and get to work. Given your age, the sobriety and pregnancy seem like the priority. Failing that, at least freeze your eggs so you can have the option later. Good luck, Tiny! You can do this!
  4. You’re already cheating, albeit emotionally, by engaging with this girl and ‘falling’ for her and sharing intimate details. End your current relationship before you take anyone’s number. Her morals are no better it seems, giving you her number and engaging you in these talks, knowing you’re in a committed relationship. You both lack integrity.
  5. Is this for real or are you posting this to brag? It seems made up somehow or completely removed from the reality of the likely consequences of this little ‘fun’. Also, your wife’s alleged excitement at seeing you have sex with a man rings false to me. You’re obviously pumped for this but I somehow doubt your wife shares your excitement, especially since she only likes him ‘well enough’. Makes me think this was not her idea. Be prepared for this to blow up in your face.
  6. Sorry this happened OP. It was really insensitive of her to laugh and say it wasn’t good without offering input on how to make it better. I think you dodged a bullet with this lady and it’s better that you know that sooner rather than later. It’s clear to me she only wanted a FWB, despite her claims to the contrary. Good riddance!
  7. I’m sorry you’ve had a disappointing first date. Did you talk about your long-term intentions with her? If you invited her to your place as a first date, she was expecting to have sex. Prolly shaved, got ready etc. What strikes me as odd is the sheer amount of effort she expended to get your interest in the first place. She told you she’s single now, asked you out, she initiated most of the kissing, proactively asked you sexual questions and told you clearly what she wanted. You weren’t excited about this, if anything you reluctantly shared intimate details that you now seem to regret and pumped the breaks by holding her hand, as if you were in a loving relationship. I think your lack of initiative and this last gesture put her off and she felt rejected and turned off. When women shoot their shot like that and get turned down, it’s a big blow to the ego and something you may not recover from. The female and male roles seem reversed here and all women want to feel desirable sexually, without having to chase the guy for sex. The rub seems that she wants a casual sexual relationship to get over her ex, while you want a long-term relationship. Make sure you get on the same page before you continue and don’t bring women to your place on a first date.
  8. Wow this is quite the about face, as you announced yourself to be a ‘too nice’ person in a previous post. You’re showing your lack of character and integrity here by first harbouring an interest in your friend’s bf and then wasting no time to jump on horse once they broke up. And none of this somehow registers as a problem in your mind. If anything, you think She is the problem! This shows a lack of empathy for your friend’s feelings and an utter disregard for your friendship with her. Honestly, if a long-time ‘friend’ did this to me, I would consider this a betrayal and sever all ties.
  9. You are being emotionally abused. Google covert narcissism and educate yourself on cluster b disorders. Save yourself and leave as soon as you can. These people are sick and their perpetual victimhood and self-entitlement will destroy whatever gains you made in therapy and whatever mental health you have left. Your instincts are good. Listen to your gut. This man has shown you that he’s not willing to change or put in the work and I wouldn’t be surprised if he threatened self-harm or whatever manipulative abusive tactics he can to keep you around. My ex was like that and he staged quite the sob show at the end and pretended to want to kill himself. Do not be swayed, as it’s all an act. If you sense this may happen, make arrangements to leave without him knowing and protect yourself. You’re not responsible for fixing, changing or helping a person who doesn’t want to help himself. You need to look out for yourself first.
  10. It feels like focusing on this woman and your relationship with her is a distraction from the real problem of this massive debt, an uncertain living and employment situation and your drinking problem. Instead of tackling the hard, heavy stuff, it’s so much easier to distract ourselves with other people and their problems. I know I’ve done that and while it may work for a while, we always have to pay the piper at some point, usually in the form of poor health, poor finances and poor self-esteem. Taking responsibility for ourselves and taking steps to improve our situation is hard but infinitely more rewarding than trying to decode some else’s dysfunctional behaviour and being willfully blind to our own.
  11. This is a tough one, OP. Breakups are always painful and moving on is so hard, especially when you’ve loved someone deeply. But there comes a point when the misery of living with the person becomes unavoidable and unbearable. If you wait too long, it can affect your mental and physical health. We can’t avoid pain in life but the pain of progress will always feel more fulfilling than the pain of lugging around a dead-end relationship, in my opinion. Creating a safe, positive relationship with yourself is worth all the effort. Good luck!
  12. I wouldn’t assume this man is necessarily lonely. Staring, peeking at the OP through curtains and generally making someone else uncomfortable are not signs of friendly, neighbourly behaviour. Also knocking on someone’s door uninvited and complaining about random, unrelated things to a stranger doesn’t sound healthy. Since the OP has a history of being overly nice and permissive, I would suggest that having too much compassion or tolerating others making her uncomfortable is not the right way to go. Healthy boundaries are more important than ‘being nice’. OP, listen to your gut. If it feels creepy, uncomfortable or ‘off’ somehow, please don’t engage with the person, whoever that may be. You actually don’t need to know the reason behind it, you just need to heed it for your own well-being.
  13. What was the nature of the texts and phone calls you shared with this woman? Were they mostly church related or personal exchanges? If they were mostly about church and she didn’t express excitement about meeting you, specifically, in person, I would be very cautious about revealing your intentions. You’ll likely make her uncomfortable and lead her to avoid you. I noticed a lot of men attending all sorts of events, talking to friendly women about the topic at hand and getting romantic ideas. It’s put me off attending meetups and other gatherings because a bunch of men kept asking me out, when I was just interested in the group activity. Now I only attend women-only events, to avoid this. This woman may not be into you or even into dating, which is totally fine, and should be respected. Be friendly and polite but if you sense she’s not interested in you, move on.
  14. This man sounds mentally ill and potentially a stalker. Keep your distance and be very careful. I had a neighbour do this to me and he turned out to be a predator and I had to move to get away from him. Don’t hesitate to call the police if he keeps showing up at your door uninvited.
  15. Ok I could be cynical about this but maybe the mortgage is the OP’s idea of locking down his gf without any real commitment. The mortgage kind of, sort of ‘seems’ to be a commitment but it’s really just a way to keep her tied to him, pacify her wish for a real commitment, and maybe help get onto the property ladder at the same time. Would he be able to afford buying a home on his own? Either way, I think this relationship is doomed and the mortgage is a really bad idea, given they’re not on the same page about what the future will look like.
  16. Am I to understand that you’re a 44 year old virgin? If so, I completely understand your concerns, but what has led to this and what are you doing to meet your sexual needs?
  17. You talk in circles. You’re clinging onto this girl for dear life, despite her being a liar and not over her ex. Your insecurity and low self-esteem is turning you into a doormat, where you will now tolerate your personal boundaries (i.e. no contact with exes) being violated. The proof that you know this woman is not that into you is that you cannot bring yourself to clarify if you’re exclusive or not and you keep posting here, looking for reassurance. God forbid you find out she’s shtooping her ex and your whole world collapses without the possibility of finding another female again! I’m being facetious of course, but it’s clear you’re beating a dead horse here. Work on your confidence and self esteem before you date. Unless of course you enjoy all this torment, in which case this thread has probably run its course, and we should leave you to it.
  18. Rehab sounds like the only option which may give you some longer term results, as the therapy and medication haven’t worked very well. Does the bf know you’re struggling with this? I think it would be wise to prioritize your health and get into rehab. It hardly seems like a choice to be honest.
  19. I don’t mean to sound harsh but you’re a hot mess. I don’t think you’re serious about this guy because if you were, the thought of going out with people you recently had sex with wouldn’t have entered your mind. You’re using the alcohol to justify your promiscuity and outright cheating. Your substance abuse issues and lack of integrity make you a poor dating choice. I recommend you seek therapy and treatment for your budding alcoholism before you non only self-destruct but take people down with you. I’d also get tested for STDs, as having threesomes with swingers hardly sounds safe, and let your date know what happened so he can make a choice about whether to continue seeing you or not.
  20. OP, I would leave this woman if I were you. She’s shown you that she lies under pressure, entertains her ex with late night private calls and gives soppy excuses without taking ownership over her choices. This conflicts with your values and naturally made you lose any trust you had in her. Please honour your own boundaries, which are totally valid by the way, and realize that you cannot control another person or change them. People will pretend to act a certain way to keep you around if it suits them and continue to lie and hide. Any lies at the beginning of relationship are a red flag and should always been heeded. People don’t change and liars keep lying. You obviously don’t have peace here and I suggest you move on. Find someone who shares your values and is on the same page about exes and exclusivity BEFORE getting into a relationship with them. Chalk this one up to a lesson.
  21. Read “How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved” by Sandra L. Brown. It will clearly spell out all the red flags and may just change your life.
  22. I would’ve dumped you if I were her. You broke her trust by lying. If you didn’t want to delete your exes you should’ve stated that instead of lying about it. Now it looks like you have something to hide and that you can’t be trusted. I would leave this relationship and do better on the next one.
  23. He’s cheating on you with her and lying about it. Friends don’t send each other nudie pics. If I were you, I’d leave and delete him from my life. Liars never change.
  24. You’re dealing with an obvious predator. Run for your life! The fact that you’re still entertaining this sick individual is a huge sign that your self-esteem is low and that you may benefit from some self-reflection/therapy. You are knowingly putting yourself at risk by not ending this.
  25. He’s a cheater and you know it. All cheaters are liars and he’s broken your trust with this. Dump him asap as he won’t change. Him deleting the app means nothing, as you’ve only glimpsed the tip of the iceberg here. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but best to know now rather than continuing to sleep with the enemy.
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