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Unsure2021

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  1. I agree with you that this feels off. If he were truly embarrassed about this, as he claims, he would have changed his cell phone plan a lot sooner. Two years is a long time to maintain financial ties to an ex. I should know, as I’m divorced. Give him a couple weeks to get this sorted. If he doesn’t follow through, that tells you he’s not sincere. Listen to your gut and always look at what people do, not what they say. You have nothing to apologize for here.
  2. What a horrible discovery. I’m so sorry OP! Goes to show we rarely truly know who someone is. Give yourself big props for listening to your gut and checking for yourself. Never feel guilty about protecting yourself, especially when the other person is clearly deceptive, promising one thing and not delivering or communicating. This may also save your life, as unfortunately this man is likely gay (the only man I know who actively searched and watched gay porn more than once is gay). He may be engaging in gay sex, which is very high risk unprotected, and that may be also the reason he doesn’t seek you out for sex or loses his erection during the act. I would definitely not marry this man and put an end to the relationship as he is not who he claims to be. Also, even if he weren’t gay (big if), people’s sexual habits rarely change so even if he makes promises, he will likely continue to not deliver and waste your time. You deserve much better.
  3. OP, you seem pretty self-aware and I don’t think you’re necessarily childish but maybe disappointed. This feeling can make us feel sad and even if logically you know it makes no sense, your feelings don’t need to make sense. Just listen to them and accept them. It’s normal to be disappointed when someone’s actions reveal to us that we may not know them as well as we thought or that maybe their feelings for us weren’t that deep. You obviously care a lot about this woman and it seems she moved on a bit quicker than you, or was a bit more experimental. This may also have to do with her condition. Maybe you feel gypped and like you lost out a bit sexually, and have some fomo. If it continues to bother you, try writing down why. What are you making it mean? Is this extra sex partner a symbol of an imbalance in the relationship for you or are you looking for something to sabotage this otherwise ‘perfect’ relationship? A therapist may also help. Try and relax and enjoy your relationship.
  4. I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. It’s not your fault that Covid made life so lonely for most of us. There’s nothing wrong with you for wanting a family of your own. Just be mindful that everything comes at a price and the grass is not greener on the other side. Comparisons are harmful, as you don’t know what goes on in someone’s relationship from the outside. Who you choose as a partner has a great effect on your mental health and being with a ‘nice’ but covertly aggressive guy, who has no self awareness or maturity, can make your life a living hell. I wasted my youth on such a man, thinking he would mature over time, and was a huge mistake. If I were you, I would dump him, get into therapy and work on why you’re entertaining these types of men and completely quit alcohol. If you truly want a child, you’ll take actionable steps towards this and get healthy. You can get pregnant after a year of sobriety and have a child on your own if you have a good support system. You can always meet a man later. Make a plan and get to work. Given your age, the sobriety and pregnancy seem like the priority. Failing that, at least freeze your eggs so you can have the option later. Good luck, Tiny! You can do this!
  5. You’re already cheating, albeit emotionally, by engaging with this girl and ‘falling’ for her and sharing intimate details. End your current relationship before you take anyone’s number. Her morals are no better it seems, giving you her number and engaging you in these talks, knowing you’re in a committed relationship. You both lack integrity.
  6. Is this for real or are you posting this to brag? It seems made up somehow or completely removed from the reality of the likely consequences of this little ‘fun’. Also, your wife’s alleged excitement at seeing you have sex with a man rings false to me. You’re obviously pumped for this but I somehow doubt your wife shares your excitement, especially since she only likes him ‘well enough’. Makes me think this was not her idea. Be prepared for this to blow up in your face.
  7. Sorry this happened OP. It was really insensitive of her to laugh and say it wasn’t good without offering input on how to make it better. I think you dodged a bullet with this lady and it’s better that you know that sooner rather than later. It’s clear to me she only wanted a FWB, despite her claims to the contrary. Good riddance!
  8. I’m sorry you’ve had a disappointing first date. Did you talk about your long-term intentions with her? If you invited her to your place as a first date, she was expecting to have sex. Prolly shaved, got ready etc. What strikes me as odd is the sheer amount of effort she expended to get your interest in the first place. She told you she’s single now, asked you out, she initiated most of the kissing, proactively asked you sexual questions and told you clearly what she wanted. You weren’t excited about this, if anything you reluctantly shared intimate details that you now seem to regret and pumped the breaks by holding her hand, as if you were in a loving relationship. I think your lack of initiative and this last gesture put her off and she felt rejected and turned off. When women shoot their shot like that and get turned down, it’s a big blow to the ego and something you may not recover from. The female and male roles seem reversed here and all women want to feel desirable sexually, without having to chase the guy for sex. The rub seems that she wants a casual sexual relationship to get over her ex, while you want a long-term relationship. Make sure you get on the same page before you continue and don’t bring women to your place on a first date.
  9. Wow this is quite the about face, as you announced yourself to be a ‘too nice’ person in a previous post. You’re showing your lack of character and integrity here by first harbouring an interest in your friend’s bf and then wasting no time to jump on horse once they broke up. And none of this somehow registers as a problem in your mind. If anything, you think She is the problem! This shows a lack of empathy for your friend’s feelings and an utter disregard for your friendship with her. Honestly, if a long-time ‘friend’ did this to me, I would consider this a betrayal and sever all ties.
  10. You are being emotionally abused. Google covert narcissism and educate yourself on cluster b disorders. Save yourself and leave as soon as you can. These people are sick and their perpetual victimhood and self-entitlement will destroy whatever gains you made in therapy and whatever mental health you have left. Your instincts are good. Listen to your gut. This man has shown you that he’s not willing to change or put in the work and I wouldn’t be surprised if he threatened self-harm or whatever manipulative abusive tactics he can to keep you around. My ex was like that and he staged quite the sob show at the end and pretended to want to kill himself. Do not be swayed, as it’s all an act. If you sense this may happen, make arrangements to leave without him knowing and protect yourself. You’re not responsible for fixing, changing or helping a person who doesn’t want to help himself. You need to look out for yourself first.
  11. It feels like focusing on this woman and your relationship with her is a distraction from the real problem of this massive debt, an uncertain living and employment situation and your drinking problem. Instead of tackling the hard, heavy stuff, it’s so much easier to distract ourselves with other people and their problems. I know I’ve done that and while it may work for a while, we always have to pay the piper at some point, usually in the form of poor health, poor finances and poor self-esteem. Taking responsibility for ourselves and taking steps to improve our situation is hard but infinitely more rewarding than trying to decode some else’s dysfunctional behaviour and being willfully blind to our own.
  12. This is a tough one, OP. Breakups are always painful and moving on is so hard, especially when you’ve loved someone deeply. But there comes a point when the misery of living with the person becomes unavoidable and unbearable. If you wait too long, it can affect your mental and physical health. We can’t avoid pain in life but the pain of progress will always feel more fulfilling than the pain of lugging around a dead-end relationship, in my opinion. Creating a safe, positive relationship with yourself is worth all the effort. Good luck!
  13. I wouldn’t assume this man is necessarily lonely. Staring, peeking at the OP through curtains and generally making someone else uncomfortable are not signs of friendly, neighbourly behaviour. Also knocking on someone’s door uninvited and complaining about random, unrelated things to a stranger doesn’t sound healthy. Since the OP has a history of being overly nice and permissive, I would suggest that having too much compassion or tolerating others making her uncomfortable is not the right way to go. Healthy boundaries are more important than ‘being nice’. OP, listen to your gut. If it feels creepy, uncomfortable or ‘off’ somehow, please don’t engage with the person, whoever that may be. You actually don’t need to know the reason behind it, you just need to heed it for your own well-being.
  14. What was the nature of the texts and phone calls you shared with this woman? Were they mostly church related or personal exchanges? If they were mostly about church and she didn’t express excitement about meeting you, specifically, in person, I would be very cautious about revealing your intentions. You’ll likely make her uncomfortable and lead her to avoid you. I noticed a lot of men attending all sorts of events, talking to friendly women about the topic at hand and getting romantic ideas. It’s put me off attending meetups and other gatherings because a bunch of men kept asking me out, when I was just interested in the group activity. Now I only attend women-only events, to avoid this. This woman may not be into you or even into dating, which is totally fine, and should be respected. Be friendly and polite but if you sense she’s not interested in you, move on.
  15. This man sounds mentally ill and potentially a stalker. Keep your distance and be very careful. I had a neighbour do this to me and he turned out to be a predator and I had to move to get away from him. Don’t hesitate to call the police if he keeps showing up at your door uninvited.
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