Should I stay or should I go? He cannot get his life together

[cheetah13]

Hi everyone! I am new on here and I'm looking for some advice on my relationship predicament. I apologize it is somewhat complicated/lengthy.

 

I have been with this guy for 4 years. Our personalities are basically the same and we like all of the same stuff. But, lately we have been drifting apart and he doesn't communicate well at all. His major downfalls are that he cannot seem to get his life together. His license got suspended, he has no car insurance, a theft on this record, and he cannot find a stable job. I have been paying for our rent, groceries, and I have put myself in debt to keep this relationship alive.

 

At first I didn't mind because I thought he would eventually get his life together and we could have a stable relationship and he would pay me back. But, 4 years later he still can't get it together and I'm graduating college and I already have a full time job. He never went to college and is destined to work in retail or warehouse work forever.

 

We haven't touched each other in over a week (no hugging, kissing, and haven't had sex in over a month) I don't seek out sex with him anymore. I feel resentment towards him for making me pay for everything and I don't feel like I could ever get over that. I just love that he is so similar to me which made things really easy. However, that is not challenging and I realize that.

 

We are moving back to our home state to live with our parents because we can no longer afford the apartment we are in and the lease is up in December. I tried to convince him to move back earlier because I really don't want to be around him and his depressed and stand offish tone with me. He won't go for it. He wants to try and find a job before moving back, but does not realize no one will be looking to hire him because he doesn't live there right now and his license is suspended. He also has a theft on his background that has prevented him from getting jobs in the past and probably in the future.

 

I am at my breaking point. I am thinking of moving out everything I have bought for the apartment which is everything besides his bed and going back home early and just leaving him. I don't think I can put up with him for another month and a half until our original move back date. I realize this would be somewhat screwing him over, but I feel justified because I went in debt to keep this relationship alive and have been paying for everything lately. I think I just love the idea of him, but I am no longer in love with him. However he is essentially a "loser" and I don't know if he will ever get his life on track.

 

This is such a huge decision I have been going back and forth. Any advice or perspective would be great. Am I justified in leaving him or is this fixable? I just don't think I could forgive him and I don't think we could turn things around despite how perfect his personality is.

 

Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Take everything you paid for directly or indirectly with you. Contact trusted friends and family, tell them what is going on and ask for help getting a truck/moving. Simply move out.

 

Make sure your lease is paid up or it will adversely affect your credit, unless you can work something out with the landlord to get off your name off it the next month.

 

You're right he's a loser and a user. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Creeps like this tend to attempt to use any means to obtain more free rides. You dodged a bullet, be glad it's over.

We are moving back to our home state to live with our parents because we can no longer afford the apartment we are in and the lease is up in December. I am thinking of moving out everything I have bought for the apartment which is everything besides his bed and going back home early and just leaving him.

[Batya33]

I don't think it makes any sense on any practical level for you to be involved with this person in any serious way and especially not financially. The theft hasn't "prevented him" -he chose to steal and chose the consequences -was he wrongly convicted for some odd reason?

 

Please put the guilt aside -you do you. Take care of you. You have your whole life and career and future ahead of you. Disengage with this person ASAP. If in the future you want to act in a supportive way by pointing him in the path of community resources or legal resources - giving him a name, contact info -well, sure, if he reaches out for that kind of assistance. Otherwise, buh bye.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm always a bit leery of break ups like this especially where two people have lived together and one person has a history of manipulation because there is a potential for things to get out of hand. You know he's taking advantage of you and has a history of breaking the law or disregard for it. If you can organize a move quickly and smoothly over a weekend for example, try having that or if you need someone else present, have a friend with you during the move. Stay safe.

 

Don't worry so much about what's fair or not. The relationship is at an end whether it's now or later. Just make sure you get out safely. Take what you need and remember that things can always be replaced.

[melancholy123]

I say pack up what's yours and move on. He is a user and a loser. If he truly wanted a job he'd find one, even if it's at McDonalds etc. What does he do all day when you are out busting your hump at your job so he can eat and be warm and dry?

 

If anyone should feel guilt, it's him for taking advantage of you for so long.

[DancingFool]

What exactly makes you and him similar? He is a user, you are a giver. You went to college and worked your behind off to graduate, he is happy coasting by with nothing much. You are law abiding, he is a thief and an ex con with a record. You have a job, he doesn't bother. You are nothing alike. In fact, you are polar opposites when it comes to important fundamental life things.

 

Relationships are not about hobbies or same tasted in movies or music, OP. You are learning this the hard way. You are correct that you've invested not in the guy in front of you but rather in the fantasy of who you want him to be. Your fantasy is never going to turn into a reality with this guy. It's been 4 years - you get what you see and nothing else. Just an unemployed user and a loser with a record.

 

Please get out and yes, do be careful on how you go about it. People like that do not like to see their meal ticket walk out the door. Expect drama in either begging and rosy promises of everything you want or threats....or both.

 

Before you date again, be sure that you think long and hard about some lessons to take away from this experience. Like don't invest in potential and don't act like a wife to a bf while you put yourself in debt supporting a leach.

[boltnrun]

Well, he didn't "make" you pay for everything. You chose to.

 

I think you've learned a very expensive lesson; never pay a man to be your boyfriend, which is essentially what you did. You could have lived separately until he could afford to pay his share but again, you chose not to.

 

That being said, you do not need to drag this out any longer. You don't "owe" him anything; far from it. He has chosen this lifestyle. Most likely he will be in search of a new woman to pay for him and in the meantime he has his parents to pay for everything.

 

I would follow through with your plan to take everything you paid for and move back home asap. Recruit a brother, cousin or friend to be present when you move. Then delete his contact info and block him from contacting you. It won't be easy for him to find another woman willing to pay him to be a boyfriend so he will try to lure you back. Also, you will start to "miss" him (this is a guarantee) so if you can't contact him so much the better.

 

You can start fresh in your home town and eventually meet a man who is willing to pull his own weight. And try to get to a point where you're confident enough in yourself so you don't feel like the only way you can keep a man is to pay for him.

[Cherylyn]

You should go. He's a burden, drag and a ball 'n chain for you.

 

Yes, you're justified for leaving him and no, this is not fixable.

[cheetah13]

Thank you for the advice!

[reinventmyself]

He wants to try and find a job before moving back, but does not realize no one will be looking to hire him because he doesn't live there right now and his license is suspended. He also has a theft on his background that has prevented him from getting jobs in the past and probably in the future.

 

I agree with what everyone is saying. . .but at the risk of splitting hairs here, this portion popped out to me.

Is this message shared with him or implied to him, because with everything working against him I hope this is just a private thought and not something you've expressed to him. You referred to him a loser after all. Believe me when I tell you he's aware of how you see him.

I agree you should leave him but don't discourage him from trying, whether it's directly or indirectly.

[LootieTootie]

I don't think I can put up with him for another month and a half until our original move back date. I realize this would be somewhat screwing him over, but I feel justified because I went in debt to keep this relationship alive and have been paying for everything lately.[/b] I think I just love the idea of him, but I am no longer in love with him. However he is essentially a "loser" and I don't know if he will ever get his life on track.

 

 

You don't keep a relationship alive with money. Relationship survives because of love, mutual respect and patience.

 

Also if his license was suspended because no auto insurance, how come you both can't put your heads together and try to get insurance and get his license reinstated with proof of insurance? Or again, is it too much of a financial burden on you?

 

Just want to add my experience, my husband moved to be with me (met online) and I advised him to stop working in dead end jobs so he can focus on school and get a career. I supported us for a time (not sure how long probably 6 months) until he was able to get an apprenticeship. During these times, it was tough but it's the patience. If you love someone, and you both are proactively working towards a common goal(s), it can work out. Also my husband has a misdemeanor on his record and that has prevented him getting some opportunities but that didn't stop him from applying again or applying at other places. OP, you've even said your guy is destined to retail/warehouse jobs, so that means he can get a job. These jobs might be dead-end jobs but to some people, they love it or they've found a niche in these sectors. Your guy might still be looking for that niche.

 

I think if you care about him, I would recommend you try to show him some emotional support until you leave. He might respond back in kind. Going back home to live with mommy and daddy isn't the highlight of anyone's life.

[MissCanuck]

What exactly do you have in common?

 

Do you also steal? Get your license suspended? Laze around?

[Jibralta]

You should definitely go. Now is the perfect time.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I would stop telling him he can't get a job out there and encourage him to take his clothing etc, and move to his parents house ahead of you.

 

Then you can decide to stay where you are with your job, but just sell some furniture and move into a much smaller apartment that is just the right size for one. You are paying the rent anyhow, would paying less help?

[abitbroken]

BTW, just because someone didn't go to college doesn't mean they have no future. Plenty of non graduates own businesses, work their way up at their jobs, etc. What he lacks is motivation and character.

A

[Hollyj]

Have you been supporting him for 4 years?

[Hollyj]

What exactly makes you and him similar? He is a user, you are a giver. You went to college and worked your behind off to graduate, he is happy coasting by with nothing much. You are law abiding, he is a thief and an ex con with a record. You have a job, he doesn't bother. You are nothing alike. In fact, you are polar opposites when it comes to important fundamental life things.

 

Relationships are not about hobbies or same tasted in movies or music, OP. You are learning this the hard way. You are correct that you've invested not in the guy in front of you but rather in the fantasy of who you want him to be. Your fantasy is never going to turn into a reality with this guy. It's been 4 years - you get what you see and nothing else. Just an unemployed user and a loser with a record.

 

Please get out and yes, do be careful on how you go about it. People like that do not like to see their meal ticket walk out the door. Expect drama in either begging and rosy promises of everything you want or threats....or both.

 

Before you date again, be sure that you think long and hard about some lessons to take away from this experience. Like don't invest in potential and don't act like a wife to a bf while you put yourself in debt supporting a leach.

 

Cheetah,

 

Read this, over and over.

[catfeeder]

Staying with someone out of guilt does him no favors. You've tricked yourself into believing that he "can't" find work, but for accuracy, change that word to "won't".

 

You'd be surprised how quickly a grown adult can learn to survive when left to their own devices.

 

If he wants to remain a dependant, let his parents handle it.

 

Don't you deserve better?