My boyfriend's mother drives me insane

[DancingFool]

Wow.....the attitude and entitlement by the OP are kind of breathtaking.

 

When you are mooching off other people living in their house, you do not get boundaries or privacy. You want privacy, go pay rent and live on your own like the adult you are. As already pointed out, you have money for travel, you have money for rent. You'd rather live high on the hog for free while biting the very hand that feeds you and puts a roof over your head. As for throwing out the pipe, she should be doing more throwing out than that and toss both of you out as well. High time to grow up.

 

The baby boy thing - lots of mothers will say that about their sons. Not a big deal. Adjust your own toxic attitude. Ironically, while most of the time it's said in jest, in this case, he is indeed a baby boy quite literally. Still living with mommy while mommy cleans his room. This guy is a child and a momma's boy and if you don't like that, you better rethink your relationship because this guy is not going to grow up.

 

The rest.....your attitude is way more toxic than anything you've said about this woman. Your sense of entitlement is outrageous and completely absurd. Princess is going to mooch off another, live in their house and dictate her rules....how "nice".

[j.man]

Only thing worse than mooching off your own parents is mooching off someone else's. I moved out after joining the Army after high school, but a lot of families and cultures are just fine housing sons and daughters until they're in the most financially advantageous position to leave the nest. It's an investment that generally comes back in the form of the kids not just sending the parent off to a home later in life or at least having the momentum to be able to afford sending them to a nicer one. And it certainly doesn't mean their kid can't or shouldn't ever take a vacation in the meantime. Mother clearly doesn't mind him around, so as long as they're both benefiting, it's not my life. Honestly, if there's any disrespect there, it's him keeping you in the house while you disrespect her both openly and behind her back while the provides you the privilege of a free roof over your head.

[melancholy123]

You need to move out, either with or without your bf. My husband's mother was sort of like your bf's mother, just in the way, controlling, telling him what to do and how to do it. She isnt going to change and neither is your man child bf. At 31 you and he should be living on your own. You can solve your problem by moving out. Dont give me the line that you cant afford it, between you and your bf you can. But I bet the man child doesnt really want to leave home where mamma takes care of everything.

[boltnrun]

You complained about this a year and a half ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=551605

 

In that year and a half, instead of saving money for your own place you chose to spend the little money you make as a "casual" on a month long overseas trip?

 

Why refuse to get a real job and pay for your own place?

 

Your entitlement is mind boggling. Ever consider YOU are driving THEM insane?

[maew]

I know he likes that his mum does everything for him and the fact we don't have to pay for anything

 

Well of course he does, as do you or you wouldn't still be living there.

 

It's very kind and generous that his family is paying for you to stay there.

 

While I totally understand your frustration with your overbearing mum-in-law, I don't understand why you feel entitled to live the way you want in a home that doesn't belong to you, or why you haven't done anything to change your situation.

 

There are really only two choices I can see here... one is to shift your perspective and find some gratitude and humility for what his parents are doing for you, someone that isn't even related to them. The other is to find your independence and move away from his family... because at the end of the day, he seems perfectly happy being there, and his mum seems perfectly happy meddling in your affairs, and you don't have the power to change anyone but yourself.

[limichelle]

It’s like the saying “Beggers can’t be choosers.” You’re not paying any expenses and while the mom may irritate you, that’s the cost of living there rent free. It’s nice she is doing so.

 

I don’t think many parents would be that accommodating by allowing their son and his girlfriend move in. Think about that whenever you get upset.

[Andrina]

There can only be one queen bee in the hive. When that dynamic is messed up, yeah, the hive goes abuzz with stinging bees. Not having one's house to themselves, wherein company you enjoyed for a weekend but they ended up staying indefinitely--yes, a person will not have the means to act like Mother Therese or Mr. Rogers 24/7 with that situation.

 

And blood often means something, because you're used to living with the person. When my stepdaughter lived with us, the things she did annoyed me more than my husband. When my daughter had to move back in with with us for a year and a half, she annoyed my husband more than she annoyed me.

 

He has a full time job and can afford rent and to buy a house but I know he likes that his mum does everything for him and the fact we don't have to pay for anything.

 

Even when I was a teen, I was smart enough to dump a mama's boy, because I could predict that his mother's opinions and decisions would always come into play when they shouldn't.

 

Instead of focusing on what you think is wrong with his mother, put him under the microscope. He's made choices in life that are not conducive to building a mature, beautiful life with a lifetime companion. After at least 3 years together, and at his age, what is his plan for the next step? At this stage in the relationship, if he has no plans for moving out with you, then this is a stagnant person who is okay with staying a child in the family home. His wants and needs are more important than what's best for his romantic union with you, so what does that tell you?

 

I'd sit down with him and come to a consensus, getting a timeline planned out for when to move out and where. If he's not willing to do that, don't waste any more of your youthful years, especially if you want children, because your biological clock is ticking, and it takes years of dating to find a person who matches you in all the major ways.

[Rose Mosse]

I have been living with my boyfriend (31) and his parent's for almost 3 years. I'd say basically the last 18 months she has driven me insane and I have just been putting up with it because I love my boyfriend. It is getting to the point where I hate her so much I've considered breaking up with him out of the fear she will be in my life forever!

 

There are so many things she does that I have told other people about who think she sounds horrible. I will list them:

 

1. She doesn't respect boundaries: For instance, when we went away for a month to Europe she decided she would change out whole room around. She changed the curtains and bed sheets and she went through all our draws and cupboards to tidy them up. We have private things in our room which she went through. I had hidden lingerie right at the back of my wardrobe in a bag which she took out and put in my normal underwear draw. In our bedside table where we keep lube and where my boyfriend keeps his vaporiser for is weed was also tidied. His draw was chock full of his receipts and various other documents in 3 drawers which she managed to get down to one and she says she didn't throw anything out. She threw out his $600 vaporiser and to this day she denies throwing anything out. When we go away on holidays or short trips she sleeps in our bed. My partners dog sleeps with us on our bed but his dog will sleep anywhere as long as there is a person. She insists she has to sleep in our bed because it's Astro's bed.

 

2. She calls my boyfriend her "baby boy" sometimes which makes me feel really uncomfortable. For instance, if I am playfully teasing him she says "stop picking on my baby boy". I told my boyfriend when we were alone that I found it weird and he had no issue with it and said I was jealous.

 

3. She will also take digs at me and says she is just joking if I say something back. Examples: I decided I wanted to start drinking water instead of soft drink and reacts in a condescending tone "oh god, you're on a diet again". I reply with "no, I just want to start drinking water because it is better for you". Then she replies with "yeah, yeah, sure". And if I say I am tired she gets ty and says "how can you be tired, you do nothing" or "how can someone of your age be tired".

 

4. She is a very negative and toxic person but people outside of the family thinks she is so great and lovely and would do anything for anyone. I have heard her and complain about every person she is nice to and even her friends behind their backs. She will be nice to their faces and she swears by saying "if I have something to say I'll say it to their face". which she never does. She has nothing nice to say ever. It's always a complaint or a or gossiping. She has to know everyone's business. If you tell her in secret she will tell someone else your secret.

 

5. She keeps expecting that I will give her grandchildren when I have said I may not want children.

 

6. I want to do more travelling and want to live overseas. She said if I want to live overseas I can't marry her son. She was devastated when I took her son away from her for Christmas last year. She went on about it to everyone about how I was taking her baby boy away from her.

 

I met up with my my boyfriend's brothers wife recently to discuss if she experienced the same things and boy did I found out a lot. She has experienced the same issues as me and probably worse than mine and now the wife and my boyfriends brother do not see his parent's much because of how painful they are.

 

Anyway, there is way, way more I can write but it would take too long. I love my boyfriend and he is a really great guy. We only have issues when I get annoyed about his mum. I want to move out so badly but I can't afford to move out as my job is only casual and I don't make enough to pay rent yet. I know these are all excuses and you're probably thinking if it's that bad I should just move out. It's not bad with my boyfriend it's just his mum. I graduate at the end of this year and I am focusing on saving and moving out once I have graduated and will hopefully have a job which will allow me to afford rent.

 

My guess is you're letting off some steam because it's upsetting for you, this loss of control and autonomy. I agree with the other members especially the ones who mentioned you have some options (mentally and emotionally), changing your mindset and being more grateful for the living circumstances instead of drawing lines in the sand or becoming perpetually defensive and angry about things. It doesn't mean that you have to change your mind about the way you're being treated but it does mean making peace to some degree about the way things are right now and improving relations with your extended family.

 

Is your bf's dad in the picture? My husband did not have both parents growing up and the relationships, as a result, between family or extended family were strained because of that. Over time in our marriage we have learned about these things together. You'll one day learn together with your boyfriend how to develop tolerance and understanding, not only for each other but towards others in your extended family. The whole point of this is to live in harmony even with the very people you may not get along with personally. Love or hate has very little to do with all of this. It's only about coordination, tolerance and creating a greater whole and idea for your family to flourish. The key idea: don't nitpick.

 

Some of your items above are things that my mother also lived through in her early years starting out with my dad. I have always had extraordinarily strong female members in my family who were willful, stubborn, business-minded and fiercely protective of the family. My dad became more like his mother as he aged. My mother became more of her mother as she aged. Both my parents took after their mothers.

 

I hope your studies go well and you graduate and find a career early on that you can engage in and feel fulfilled in. At the end of the day that's what matters - for your own sustenance, peace and independence. Keep working on the big picture and things will fall into place. Good luck.

[jimthzz]

Has it occurred to you that what you see as an invasion of privacy (So ironic) by your BF's mother is her attempt to annoy the two of you to leave. Or at least you.

 

Sure, it has to be annoying that your sexy lingerie and intimate lube was found and moved around. And recreational drug paraphernalia tossed out? Intentional or not, it is a loud and clear message to you.

 

As others have noted, commenting about saving to move out while also taking a month-long expensive holiday seems at crosswinds with the stated goal. Are they still teaching logic and deductive reasoning at the university?

 

I hope you can appreciate the gift of free rent better going forward, but make plans to move out quickly, then do it.

 

If it delays other things like vacations, then so be it.

[Wiseman2]

That means he sees no future with you. You are also living precariously. His parents can throw you out at any time since you are merely their son's guest. You have zero rights and that is also your bf's doing. He will live there with built in sex until he finds the woman who he wants to build a life and family with. Clearly you're not it. His parents may view you are their son's concubine and allow it because he's spoiled. That is your 'rent' as they see it. But he has no respect or plans for you.

He has a full time job and can afford rent and to buy a house but I know he likes that his mum does everything for him and the fact we don't have to pay for anything.

[abitbroken]

Grow up. Move out - even if the boyfriend doesn't move YOU move. Its her house, her rules, her stuff.

I don't think she is overbearing because YOU are in HER space.

I can understand why you might be annoyed if you were 19 years old but you are a fully grown woman, here.

Get your own place even if its a studio or sharing with another woman where you split 50-50.

[Batya33]

My guess is you're letting off some steam because it's upsetting for you, this loss of control and autonomy. I agree with the other members especially the ones who mentioned you have some options (mentally and emotionally), changing your mindset and being more grateful for the living circumstances instead of drawing lines in the sand or becoming perpetually defensive and angry about things. It doesn't mean that you have to change your mind about the way you're being treated but it does mean making peace to some degree about the way things are right now and improving relations with your extended family.

 

Is your bf's dad in the picture? My husband did not have both parents growing up and the relationships, as a result, between family or extended family were strained because of that. Over time in our marriage we have learned about these things together. You'll one day learn together with your boyfriend how to develop tolerance and understanding, not only for each other but towards others in your extended family. The whole point of this is to live in harmony even with the very people you may not get along with personally. Love or hate has very little to do with all of this. It's only about coordination, tolerance and creating a greater whole and idea for your family to flourish. The key idea: don't nitpick.

 

Some of your items above are things that my mother also lived through in her early years starting out with my dad. I have always had extraordinarily strong female members in my family who were willful, stubborn, business-minded and fiercely protective of the family. My dad became more like his mother as he aged. My mother became more of her mother as she aged. Both my parents took after their mothers.

 

I hope your studies go well and you graduate and find a career early on that you can engage in and feel fulfilled in. At the end of the day that's what matters - for your own sustenance, peace and independence. Keep working on the big picture and things will fall into place. Good luck.

 

I don't agree with this analogy. She's not living with extended family. She's living with her boyfriend's mother. No relation and no child involved (that would be this woman's grandchild, so I could see an arrangement where a grandparent wanted to help with childcare/childcare expenses). She can find that peace by moving out and being in her own home and then interacting with her boyfriend's mother like a responsible adult, adult to adult. Then she can start repairing the relationship if she should become part of this family in the future, which is a big if since her boyfriend likes being his momma's baby boy -if he didn't like it he'd move out and then he could establish firmer boundaries.

 

I lived with my parents till I was done with grad school at age 28. They let me live there rent free because they wanted to support me in my studies. It was awesome of them. They even let my boyfriend sleep over. He also lived at home during that time for a similar reason. That was their choice. Your boyfriend's mother sees things differently. And she is the one with the power and control over her own home in which you are living rent free for no apparent reason -no I do not buy your excuses.

 

You'll feel much more whole and responsible and adult if you pursue your studies and career while living as an adult, an independent adult.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't agree with this analogy. She's not living with extended family. She's living with her boyfriend's mother. No relation and no child involved (that would be this woman's grandchild, so I could see an arrangement where a grandparent wanted to help with childcare/childcare expenses). She can find that peace by moving out and being in her own home and then interacting with her boyfriend's mother like a responsible adult, adult to adult. Then she can start repairing the relationship if she should become part of this family in the future, which is a big if since her boyfriend likes being his momma's baby boy -if he didn't like it he'd move out and then he could establish firmer boundaries.

 

I lived with my parents till I was done with grad school at age 28. They let me live there rent free because they wanted to support me in my studies. It was awesome of them. They even let my boyfriend sleep over. He also lived at home during that time for a similar reason. That was their choice. Your boyfriend's mother sees things differently. And she is the one with the power and control over her own home in which you are living rent free for no apparent reason -no I do not buy your excuses.

 

You'll feel much more whole and responsible and adult if you pursue your studies and career while living as an adult, an independent adult.

 

While I agree with your points, I don't think it's feasible for her to leave. At the moment I see it very simply. She can't afford to move out and she's chosen to live there. What the relationship is or what we want to call the bf's mother isn't very relevant in the big picture if she does wish to make this her new family in the future or marry him eventually. They are living in one household and seem to share a space as a family. I'm looking at it as a whole picture, organically, not as a black and white issue or where the gold standard for being an "adult" means living in a separate household.

 

While I would probably do what you suggest personally, this isn't applicable to the OP for any number of reasons. I thought she made herself clear about her limitations regarding money and going to school. If she can make it work, by all means. I'm working with the limitations the OP has set out, not encouraging her to put herself at risk or her studies at risk all for the sake of pride or not being able to work out her differences or be humble about things (due to her own limitations).

 

We may agree to disagree on the standards of what "adult" implies. My idea of being an adult is working peacefully as a community and improving relationships, also acknowledging limitations and not being rash or quick to judge or put one's self or others at risk. Living with his mother should be a temporary period, not a permanent one. Maybe the OP can clarify what the timeline is. Have you spoken about that with your boyfriend, OP?

[Seraphim]

To me adult is paying your own way in life in some capacity. But when everyone is doing everything for you and paying everything for you , you are not adult.

[Batya33]

While I agree with your points, I don't think it's feasible for her to leave. At the moment I see it very simply. She can't afford to move out and she's chosen to live there. What the relationship is or what we want to call the bf's mother isn't very relevant in the big picture if she does wish to make this her new family in the future or marry him eventually. They are living in one household and seem to share a space as a family. I'm looking at it as a whole picture, organically, not as a black and white issue or where the gold standard for being an "adult" means living in a separate household.

 

While I would probably do what you suggest personally, this isn't applicable to the OP for any number of reasons. I thought she made herself clear about her limitations regarding money and going to school. If she can make it work, by all means. I'm working with the limitations the OP has set out, not encouraging her to put herself at risk or her studies at risk all for the sake of pride or not being able to work out her differences or be humble about things (due to her own limitations).

 

We may agree to disagree on the standards of what "adult" implies. My idea of being an adult is working peacefully as a community and improving relationships, also acknowledging limitations and not being rash or quick to judge or put one's self or others at risk. Living with his mother should be a temporary period, not a permanent one. Maybe the OP can clarify what the timeline is. Have you spoken about that with your boyfriend, OP?

 

I am not saying she's not an adult. She's not behaving as one when it comes to financial independence and living on one's own by living as she does. I believe she can afford to move out if she sacrifices certain luxuries like travel. I do see a huge difference between family living together and non-family. She is not family. In any way. The mother apparently doesn't view her that way from all I can gather. And she's right -this woman is her son's girlfriend, not a relative, not even engaged to her son. So the OP can feel "like a family" but she's not family. And the mother underscores this with "my baby boy" - she is making the division clear here -not me and not some definition.

 

It's not about pride. It's about being a responsible person. If she wants the advantages of living rent free she doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as her complaints in my humble opinion. She can apply for financial aid, cut back on her luxuries like travel and lingerie, etc. and be a whole lot more appreciative of what her boyfriend's mother is allowing in her home.

[Cherylyn]

As long as you live with your boyfriend's mother, he will be a package deal.

 

1) I agree she doesn't respect boundaries. However, at the same time you gave up your privacy as soon as you moved into your boyfriend's mother's house. Not that it's right for her to snoop into your belongings and reorganize the bedroom but it's her house and she will do with it what she will. He (or she) who holds all the gold, holds all the power. I agree with others, if you can afford a vacation in Europe for a month, you can pool your money into your savings and afford to move out even if you need roommates to make it work. She discarded his vaporizer because perhaps she wants him to quit using recreational drugs.

 

2) I'm a mother of sons and they'll always be my baby boys, however, in private. I never tell my sons that they're my babies in front of others. It's an endearment as mother and sons tend to be close. They enjoy my home cooked meals and the like. Your boyfriend's mother is protective but doesn't exercise tact. Your boyfriend doesn't think it's weird because his mother takes priority over you which is not right but this is where his loyalty lies. It's her house and both of you live in it for free which is not really nor truly "free." Your freedom is the sacrifice and cost here. Not having freedom is the price both of you have to pay.

 

3) Learn to ignore the digs or better yet learn to diffuse people. Say, "To each his or her own." Then walk away. You don't owe her an explanation regarding your dietary preferences. The added digs and comments are the same old comments I've heard from my MIL (mother-in-law). Don't let her get under your skin regarding the digs. Unhappy, insecure people say unkind comments. It's the dark side of human nature. Learn to feel indifferent and don't care.

 

4) My MIL gossips and no secret is safe with her. Make sure your radar is up and never trust her. If you must speak, keep it superficial. Make sure everyone minds their own business regarding conversations. Learn to stay away.

 

5) Regarding children, if she expects, let her expect. You don't have to deliver in order to appease her. Remain mum. It's none of her business.

 

6) Don't travel nor live overseas unless you move out. Since these comments upset your boyfriend's mother, keep your mouth shut. Don't talk. Exercise discretion. I don't talk about certain subjects with my MIL because I know it will create animosity. My MIL was devastated when I married my husband. I'll have a twinge of pain when my sons marry but at the same time I'll learn to share them as my role is finished. However, I'll always be their dear mother and they'll always have a soft spot in their hearts for me. It's hard to let go because I remember how close we were when they were 3 - 4 years old and when they were young boys. They adored me. I was the apple of their eye. It's a mother-son closeness like no other. At the same time, I'll be happy for them when they find "thee one" and I look forward to having 2 DIL (daughters-in-law) someday.

 

You shared notes with your boyfriend's SIL (sister-in-law). Do what she does and enforce healthy boundaries someday. Reduce contact make sure getting together is minimal.

 

Money buys you independence. As long as you're a dependent of your boyfriend's mother, you play by her rules. If you want your own rules, freedom and privacy, you know the answer: Move OUT.

 

Your boyfriend is a 'Mama's Boy' and needs to move out. He's 31 years old, immature, needs to grow up and it's time to cut the apron strings.

[Rose Mosse]

I am not saying she's not an adult. She's not behaving as one when it comes to financial independence and living on one's own by living as she does. I believe she can afford to move out if she sacrifices certain luxuries like travel. I do see a huge difference between family living together and non-family. She is not family. In any way. The mother apparently doesn't view her that way from all I can gather. And she's right -this woman is her son's girlfriend, not a relative, not even engaged to her son. So the OP can feel "like a family" but she's not family. And the mother underscores this with "my baby boy" - she is making the division clear here -not me and not some definition.

 

It's not about pride. It's about being a responsible person. If she wants the advantages of living rent free she doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as her complaints in my humble opinion. She can apply for financial aid, cut back on her luxuries like travel and lingerie, etc. and be a whole lot more appreciative of what her boyfriend's mother is allowing in her home.

 

Perhaps... therein lies the problem. I'm referring to the problem the OP has. She really does not consider herself a part of the family, hence all the aggravation (the OP's difficulty and frustration). This is too bad. What I'm doing is encouraging her to see herself as family. She likely doesn't see herself as family though and I think it's because this relationship with her boyfriend is at a breaking point and she's resentful and angry towards her boyfriend to the point where fights have broken out and she's coming to the realization that he's not right for her. The problem is the relationship.

 

I still see things very differently - that, if all things are right and correct or whole/harmonious, this actually IS a unified family unit. The second individuals decide to cohabit together like this, there is an implied reasoning that all individuals should coexist with consideration to each other, as a unified whole or as a community. Maybe that is why it's easier for me to grasp what needs to be done in order to coexist together. If the premise is that they are not family, I already see divisions and a divisiveness that makes things very difficult overall. I don't believe it's possible for a her to exist in this household by thinking of herself exclusively as an independent person. I also don't think it's feasible for her to move out or support herself based on one instance of vacation money spent. It takes a lot more to pay rent than it does to go on one vacation. Going on that vacation is no indication that she has the required funds needed to support herself. Her only option, aside from moving out, is to be a bit more mature about the living situation and be more appreciative of what she has.

 

If she's not capable of doing this, there are likely issues, I suspect, in the relationship itself and distrust in the relationship with her boyfriend. I think the mum and the living situation are all just peripheral issues. The main issue is that she probably doesn't get along with her boyfriend. I don't think the issue is the living situation or moving out. I simply don't think she considers herself part of the family and is experiencing a lot of distance from her boyfriend in the relationship. This relationship isn't right for her. Unfortunately, I don't think she's happy with her boyfriend at all.

[Batya33]

I don't think she should consider herself family -she hasn't committed to him in marriage or common law marriage and they don't have a child together which as I wrote would change things because the child would be family. I don't agree that just because the mother tolerates her living there rent free that all of a sudden she's part of the family. I don't think it's implied in the least. She's being allowed to live in her boyfriend's mother's home rent free. If she wants to be part of this family she should act like it by contributing financially and/or with her time -maybe she can -if she doesn't - run errands, clean the house -like, deep clean, take care of other house stuff etc.

 

But I agree with you -she should show respect and tons of appreciation. Not at all because she is family -because her boyfriend's mom is doing her a huge favor.

 

I also think there are issues in the relationship with her boyfriend. He is a 31 year old adult allowing his mom to baby him.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm really not convinced that her boyfriend is right for her. The living situation has become unbearable because the relationship may not be seen as long term in general. I also think you touched on some specific points about independence and autonomy that might be important to the OP, considering she feels restricted and seemed to experience loss of privacy and loss of control over her private area and things in her room. I can see why moving out would benefit her if she could make it work.

 

The idea of the boyfriend being babied (or seen as a helpless baby boy) doesn't really hold much weight to me because it's coming as secondhand knowledge about two individuals (bf and his mother) who are not participating in this thread.

 

He may have a very different interpretation of the relationship with his girlfriend or the relationship with his mother and see himself as more of a peacekeeper. He may even be close to his own financial goals but he hasn't shared that with his gf for personal reasons because he's secondguessing whether she's right for him. Even if he has shared details (some of which the OP knows about), he may not be comfortable sharing his life with her long term because she's volatile and unable to see eye to eye with his close family members.

 

He doesn't seem to take too well to the OP's complaints which may suggest that the OP's problems with the mother are taken out of context or misunderstood. She may even get upset about things that might not upset the average person. There are always other sides to the story. What the boyfriend is is only what we know through the OP. This version, if she's aggravated overall and annoyed with her situation, isn't going to relayed in a way that's entirely objective either.

[Batya33]

I agree it is not a good situation for her and she is with an adult man who is choosing to live with his mother who refers to him as "baby boy" in front of his girlfriend. She is probably more sensitive to the mother's behavior and attitude because she is not a child and yet she is being treated like one -it's the worst of both worlds -she's an outsider to this family but her personal space is being invaded. The only benefit is financial.

[goddess]

Although I understand your frustration but, as I see it, your choices are twofold:

 

1. Put up with it until you graduate which, in reality, is not that far away considering it's almost November.

 

2. Ask him to move out and find a place for the two of you. Contribute what you can now, and once you find a good job, pay your part of the rent.

 

I won't pass judgement about his living with his mom. Perhaps he's saving money for a good reason, like finding a really nice apartment/flat.

 

My nephew lived with his parents until he was 28. He saved money so that he was able to buy an engagement ring for his girlfriend and he bought a condominium, got married, and they're both happy now. Smart boy, IMO.

[Batya33]

Although I understand your frustration but, as I see it, your choices are twofold:

 

1. Put up with it until you graduate which, in reality, is not that far away considering it's almost November.

 

2. Ask him to move out and find a place for the two of you. Contribute what you can now, and once you find a good job, pay your part of the rent.

 

I won't pass judgement about his living with his mom. Perhaps he's saving money for a good reason, like finding a really nice apartment/flat.

 

My nephew lived with his parents until he was 28. He saved money so that he was able to buy an engagement ring for his girlfriend and he bought a condominium, got married, and they're both happy now. Smart boy, IMO.

 

Oh yes- I agree it's a huge money savings and in his case he's sacrificing tons of personal growth given the situation.

[goddess]

Oh yes- I agree it's a huge money savings and in his case he's sacrificing tons of personal growth given the situation.

 

Very true but perhaps he's aware of that. Hopefully, he get out soon.

[Hollyj]

Why at 31 are people living with parents? Time to fly the coop. It is not your house.

 

You are 31 and live with his parents?! Yikes!

 

It's her house. If you don't like it, then leave! Your behavior is parasitic.

[itsallgrand]

It's a toxic mess of people using each other.

You are using your bf and his family financially.

The bf is using his family financially, and you as live in sex.

His mom is using her son emotionally, and you as well fill a bit in that department, by keeping her boy happy sexually in the house so he's not out there searching for it away from her.

 

You can only change yourself. I don't think you want to, seems like more of a vent than anything, and that's your choice too.

 

If you do want to change things, it goes deeper than money. It's character. For you, you've normalized using people. You'd have to challenge that.

Reason why the strong reactions here is it goes against some people's sense of right and wrong. Me included.

 

Also, I don't think you understand how vulnerable you are in this situation. It is pretty breath taking, as someone else out it.