Living with boyfriends parents

As the title explains, I live with my boyfriend and his parents. I have lived with them since February 2017. I am 28 and my boyfriend is 30. I study full-time, work casually and my boyfriend works full-time. I do not pay any bills or rent because his parent's won't accept it, even though I want to help. I can't do any chores around the house either because his mum prefers to do it and I assume she thinks that no one else will do it as good. Her son/my boyfriend also doesn't do anything around the house. I like to be independent and look after myself and so I feel lost (can't think of the right word to use). His mum washes and irons his clothes, make appointments for him and packs his lunch. I would like to be able to do things for my boyfriend because it makes me feel good and I enjoy doing it. The only time I can do that is when his parents go away which is rarely ever.

I have brought up to my BF many times that he acts like a manchild around his mum. I will be telling him that he is doing something immature/wrong and he will think it is funny by telling his mum that I am picking on him. His mum will then start picking on me saying I am a "whinger", "complainer", "cruel ", or say "stop picking on my baby boy". HE IS A GROWN MAN AND SHE CALLS HIM HER BABY BOY!!! This all the time. She is always calling him her baby boy. Other times have been when we are supposed to go out somewhere and his mum will ask in a tone "where are you going now?" and he has said "Jess wants to go to such and such" in an annoyed tone as if he doesn't want to go, and so his mum will complain at me and say that I am ridculous etc etc. The last time that happened I was so angry because he always does things like that and he just laughed. Then I cried and I have never cried in front of him. He knew I was angry and upset but he went silent and didn't bother apologising. I didn't speak with him for 24 hours. I left and went to my sisters. He became angry and then started to ignore me as if I was the person who did something wrong. I have no idea if she has some sort of attachment to her youngest son. She has another son who is 36 and is married with 3 kids.

We rarely get privacy or alone time at his parent's house. We always have to keep the bedroom door open because she said the dogs like to come in and out of the room. If I have the door closed becaue I want to have a nap/study/watch a show/just be alone she will say I am antisocial or that I'm a cruel stepmother (to the dogs). I am an introverted person and sometimes I like to be alone and relax in peace. My BF and I can only have sex if his parents are out (rarely) or once his mum has gone to bed and his dog is in the room with us so we can close the door. This will sometimes be very late and by then we are too tired.

I love my boyfriend very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I can't stand living with him and his parents. When they are away and we have the house to ourselves we get along perfectly. We make dinner together, help each other out around the house and he acts more mature. I know you are probably reading this and thinking I should be greatful for being able to live in a place rent free, no bills, dinner made for me, which I am but at the same time this situation is killing me. I don't make enough money to move out on my own, there is no room at my mums house and my dad isn't in the picture. I want to talk to my BF about it so bad but whenever I try and talk to him about anything serious he gets defensive and annoyed and tries to avoid talking about it or he says that I am mean or picking on him. I'm also worried he won't like what I say about his mum. I feel like I need a break but there is no where I can go. I really need help and advice because I am going insane and it's not helping my mental health

I don’t think it will be any different when you move out . He’s a mommy‘s boy . I know you love him but I don’t think this is going to work .

This sounds like something that would have happened if I moved into my exs parents house with him.

His mother needs to cut the apron strings but it's highly doubtful she will.

I don't see this working out either, you won't be able to tear him away from Mom.

I share a house with my Son & his Wife. I would NEVER treat them the way your BF & his Mum treat you.

There are no boundaries & no respect shown to you.

Honestly I would move back to your Mum's house & sleep on the lounge. There is no way I could stay living in that environment.

His Mum is running the show, only caring about her "baby boy" & not caring about you at all.

Your BF is never going to grow out of being a mummies boy, so this will be your life. Imagine if you had children with him?

Your boyfriend works full-time. Why is he still living with his parents? Together, you should be able to afford to live in an apartment together. The fact that he does not want to is a concern.

While reading your story, I was not thinking that you should be grateful for living with his parents rent-free. I was thinking that you must be a very patient person - perhaps too patient - to stay in a relationship with an adult man who acts like a petulant child. Perhaps it is time for you to work out your own financial situation and move out, whether he wants to come with you or not.

I think you should move out on your own. I would find an apartment with several female roomates that are in the same boat - they are in school and need to share a place, a divorced woman with a full house who is renting out a room or a studio apartment. Its fine if mom does all the cleaning because its her house and she doesn't want anyone to interfere - but packing his lunch and him never putting a load of his own laundry is much.

I think the biggest issues actually is not the lunches but the fact that he shifts blame on you when you are both going out. That is the worst of all. So - move out. Leave boyfriend with mommy.

I would not let him come with you for the time being.

I know you are probably reading this and thinking I should be greatful for being able to live in a place rent free, no bills, dinner made for me, which I am but at the same time this situation is killing me.

Seriously? I doubt anyone envies you freeloading in your bf's parents' house. You are living with an immature mama's boy who's in a pitiful co-dependent relationship with his mother. He isnt going to move out anytime soon as he's got it too good there! You need to wake up and realize this is not going to change because there is no reason for it to change.

Time to move on, find a girlfriend to share a flat or apt. with and get out of this sick relationship. You are selling yourself short.

Yeah, this is why people need to move away from their parents as adults. If you never leave, the cord never gets cut and dynamics that worked when it was a child in the house gets strange like this.

I agree with you finding a living situationthats different. There is no 'cant' as you are a grown woman. So it's your job to figure out a living situation that allows you to continue school but also where you can not be frozen in childhood dynamics ( not your folks house, but someone else's mommy). Expect to pay some rent , maybe have to work more often.

Seeing your bfs situation could light a fire under you to expect more of yourself too.

Btw, can't think of anything less sexy than an adult who has this kind of relationship with mommy/daddy.

Yeah, this is why people need to move away from their parents as adults. If you never leave, the cord never gets cut and dynamics that worked when it was a child in the house gets strange like this.

 

I agree with you finding a living situationthats different. There is no 'cant' as you are a grown woman. So it's your job to figure out a living situation that allows you to continue school but also where you can not be frozen in childhood dynamics ( not your folks house, but someone else's mommy). Expect to pay some rent , maybe have to work more often.

 

Seeing your bfs situation could light a fire under you to expect more of yourself too.

 

Btw, can't think of anything less sexy than an adult who has this kind of relationship with mommy/daddy.

You can also go part time to school and get a full time job - you are a 28 year old woman. Unless you will graduate if you stay full time for the next 2 months. if you are 2 semesters or more from graduating, you should work full time and get out.

Bottom line is you're not forced to live there. I chose not to even live with my own mother precisely because my boundaries would be near non-existent. The only thing sadder than me being dependent on her would be me being dependent on someone else's mother. How the guy is the one catching all the flak here is well beyond me.

It's time to grow up, become adults, and take responsibility for your own lives.

Why are you living there to begin with? Why is he? I am curious why a grown man with a full-time job is still living with his parents, unless there is some extenuating circumstance, and why agreed to this arrangement.

I would move out. Quite the opposite of thinking you should be grateful, I think you need to get out of there and lose the boyfriend. He sounds entitled and disrespectful to you, which isn't likely to change if you two moved out together.

Having lived in Brisbane for many years - I miss that city - I know that the housing and renting situation has gone through the roof, but it is not that bad that the two of you shouldn't be able to move out into at least a flat with at least someone else. This would be the option that I would look into.

As to the doting mother side... I grew up with the house rule of 'their house, their rules' and if I wanted to make my own rules then I would need to move out.

Some mothers, especially older mothers, miss doting over their kids once they move out. It is all the have that brings them joy, (an irony as that is my mother's name). So, they will keep doing it whether the children like it or not. And often, it is easier to accept this show of love, than to hurt their feelings by rejecting it. When I am visiting my parents - they live on the other side of the world - I am my mum's 'Big boy' and she tells me that all the time. I am 46! I'm not going to tell her not to, she loves and misses me. And when I am around her I will be her, 'Big boy'.

Just because your boyfriend currently lets her walk all over here, does not mean he is a mama's boy, and does not mean he will be like that when you two move out. He is accepting what she is like and letting her have her way in her own home.

If you cannot deal, move out.

It's time to grow up, become adults, and take responsibility for your own lives.

I second this. Totally agree.

You can also go part time to school and get a full time job - you are a 28 year old woman.

Unless she’s got that semester to do unpaid internship... but everything else I agree.

I have brought up to my BF many times that he acts like a manchild around his mum.

Unless you're willing to move out, keep your mouth shut.

Having lived in Brisbane for many years - I miss that city - I know that the housing and renting situation has gone through the roof, but it is not that bad that the two of you shouldn't be able to move out into at least a flat with at least someone else. This would be the option that I would look into.

 

As to the doting mother side... I grew up with the house rule of 'their house, their rules' and if I wanted to make my own rules then I would need to move out.

 

Some mothers, especially older mothers, miss doting over their kids once they move out. It is all the have that brings them joy, (an irony as that is my mother's name). So, they will keep doing it whether the children like it or not. And often, it is easier to accept this show of love, than to hurt their feelings by rejecting it. When I am visiting my parents - they live on the other side of the world - I am my mum's 'Big boy' and she tells me that all the time. I am 46! I'm not going to tell her not to, she loves and misses me. And when I am around her I will be her, 'Big boy'.

 

Just because your boyfriend currently lets her walk all over here, does not mean he is a mama's boy, and does not mean he will be like that when you two move out. He is accepting what she is like and letting her have her way in her own home.

 

If you cannot deal, move out.

"my house/my rules" and mom wanting to dote a little are TOTALLY different than the guy "blaming" the OP for wanting to go out. If he defended his girlfirend and said "Mom, WE decided to go out" vs "SHE is the one that wanted to go out SHE is making me" i would agree that once he moves out, things will be different but the fact that he caves like he always takes mom's perceived side is indicative of once he moves out and its between his mom and his girlfriend- mom wins. He will sell her out to mom - he will give mom the "dirt" on her and even though they make a decision, "well, mom disagrees..." and will flip flop. Move out alone -- then see how he behaves over the next year or two