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Everything posted by Keyman

  1. You are young and virile, and don't fully understand yourself. Our society often pushes that being in a relationship is the best way to win at life and to have a happy life, so we often, myself included in my younger days, throw ourselves into relationship after relationship to fill the gap with someone in hope of achieving that happiness. The thing is, you need to be filling that gap with yourself. Building your own healthy self esteem without the need for someone else to do that. THEN, once you are whole, find someone to ADD to your life not become it. Get out there, get some hobbies, buff up at the gym, get a good shine on about yourself, get your career blossoming. That doesn't mean you can't have flings to sate your need for sexual gymnastics, but don't get attached until you are ready. And to be honest, the girls are likely in the same boat as it is easier for them to jump from relationship to relationship without healing and getting to know themselves without someone else.
  2. So, about this elephant in the marriage, why is your husband rejecting you so often? As another poster says, is this something with your husband stepping out on you behind your back, or gay, or is he just no longer attracted for you for some reason? Packed on too much weight from the kids, and become a sour complaining, chain smoking whiner? (2 of my friends exes are exactly that picture) Has there been councilling? Efforts to work out why he doesn't have this interest? Or has it been easier to sweep it under the rug and reach outside of the marriage for other sources of attention?
  3. I honestly think this is for the best. By claiming your ex was still being controlling, it's almost like she's projecting her own controlling behaviour, which is most evident in your post. The level of gaslighting and emotional abuse is almost suggestive of a need for narcissitic supply.
  4. To be honest, if I were him, I would be thinking about letting you go and moving on. You both got together as an FWB thing. No stress, sex, all good. He is busy with work, his side business, study, and an impending move to a possibly busier position. An unknown future. Problem is, you have grown feelings, and while he like you too, possibly with feelings, he still has all these other things going on. So, he's suggested to take it easy and see how it goes. But, because of your feelings, you don't seem intent on seeing how it goes. Questions on how it will work, pressure on what you should do now and in the future. And his other stresses continue, probably growing. He wasn't intending a relationship, he was moving away anyway. Now you want all in and he is backing away. Best let it go and move on.
  5. I've found it's an excuse to see you again. Oops, she says on a text, I think I left my ... at your place last night, do you mind if I pop over and spend some more time with... I mean, pick it up? Usually it's something like gloves, a scarf, hairband or something. The bra might be a come on? Or, whatever she was on last night caused her to get foggy minded, and the bra was uncomfortable while she was sitting around, so she took it off and forgot it?
  6. Honestly, watching porn and having a quick fap is just that, quick. There is no engagement with someone else, no having to get someone in the mood, foreplay, or an hour cuddling in the afterglow. It's just a quick toss to relieve stress or get a quick dopamine hit, and then get on with the evening, day, whatever. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you, because as you say, you still have a good sex life. It's just some time alone. However, if he was doing it for hours on end, or multiple times a week, that would be a different story.
  7. Honestly, block her on EVERYTHING and don't contact her again. You broke up, she don't want to get back together again, times to start moving on. If there is any chance she is going to come back, it aint while you are hanging about waiting, hopeful, near the phone in case she might suddenly change her mind. Move on, get on with your life, focus on yourself and forget about her. And in the future, months, a year in the future, when you are in a healthier place, maybe, but by then you will have reaslised why it was a good thing.
  8. Fear breaks relatoionships. Fear mires us in a swamp of disillusion, panaoia, mistrust, depression and pain. Honestly, the life he was living, while it might have been fun for him, was shallow and likely unfulfilling. But in the state, when one cannot find something deep and fulfilling, and endless stream of one nighters or short terms can provide enough of a smoke screen to hide behind, but it never takes away the feeling of being unfulfilled. But now he has chosen you and to feel something deeper. You challenge him, which is good, he needs to be challenged and to feel the depth which you bring and want to bring to the relationship. But you are also bringing fear, which will push him away. And should he come to the conclusion that you are just too unsure, that you fear too much, then he will likley leave and head right back to the easy shallow and unfulfilling lifestyle. Ultimately, you are never going to know fully if he intends to stay or go. So, you have two choices, take him at face value, stop fearing he will leave and start enjoying your time together; Or walk away.
  9. It sounds like what your ex needed was to hit rock bottom, and when you dumped him, that is what he did. And from the bottom, the only way is up, and from what you have said, that is the path that he has taken. To me, you sound like you are at rock bottom now. And from there, there are only two ways to go... Stay where you are or find a way out. I doubt you want to stay where you are, because your post sounds like you are really really enjoying being down there, so the only way is out. As Jibralta says, you need to stop dwelling on things that make you feel bad. Your long held expectation that people must be a certain way, is keeping you down in that dirty pit of despair. And, unfortunately, you are the only one who can get you out. We, and other people, can give you a helping hand, but you are the one who has to do the heavy lifting. And as for being too old? You're 30, barely out of diapers with a long life ahead of you. You still have a lot of potential to get out there and make something of your life, but there is only one thing holding you back. You. This I'm not good enough, I'm too old, my parents hate me victimhood BS is not going to get you anywhere. So, it's time to stop comparing yourself to other people, expecting that everything will magically get better, and start to get out of that pit you seem to be enjoying. And take little steps, find something that you can take pleasure in and focus on that, slowly building more and more things. Look for a job, it doesn't matter what. Go work at McDonalds or something. But don't see it as being beneath you, as guess what, right now, it is a step up for you. Celebrate that and then look for the next step up.
  10. To me, sounds like "there's this other guy, and well, I haven't actually spoken to him, but he looked at me once, and it made me feel all excited and pretty and whatever. It made me think how fun it was at the beginning of our relationship, but now it's got serious and, well, boring. I want that fun again. So, I'll put you in this limbo place to make it easier to slip away, and maybe you'll even get sick of it and walk away, then I won't feel so bad." There is only one way out of limbo, and that is walking away and closing the door behind you. And, of course, it is possible, should you walk away that she will come crawling back in 6 months because some new guy dumped her. But by then you'll understand better and not go there again.
  11. Why do you need someone to be there for you? Is it common that you go through these down episodes, and does he always have to try to reassure you? Generalising here, but men and women are different. Men try to fix, women try to empathise. If you want someone to tell you everything is going to be okay, to listen and reassure, then ask a woman. Your boyfriend is not a counsellor and should not have to listen to you constantly being down on yourself. And, if he has been in your life for 5 years, no doubt he has tried to be there for you, at his age, has no experience trying to emphathise and just sits rigid and thinking how to fix the situation. I can imagine what he thinks...'Oh God, here we go again with all the down crap.' Then, when you don't get exactly what you want, you ignore him, for 2 days. That is called emotional abuse, from you. Likely this is not the first time you have done this either, and he knows the best thing for him is just to leave you alone. I wonder if he thinks he would be better off with a more emotionally mature person, so he wouldn't have to go through this time and again. So, my question to you is, what are YOU doing about your situation? And I'm not talking about your boyfriend's lack of empathy, I'm talking about your ongoing life struggles? Are you seeking professional help?
  12. You two are from different worlds and lifestyles and based on what you have said, this is a deal breaker. The thing about coming together with someone, is accepting them as the person they are, and it is fairly clear that you do not accept her as she is. From your point 1 alone, you don't like how she lives and have tried to change that. You have deep impressions as to why she lives like that, and have suggested changes to try to make her a little more like you. Then, in point 3, you pretty much state: I take drugs sometimes, and I want her to as well because I think she would be better from them. So, to be with you she has to start taking drugs sometimes? And, why are you trying to fix her? Not a good start to a relationship. Point 2 is the major difference I see. She doesn't want children for whatever reason, but you might want to in the future. You can't force someone to change their mind on this, so as you say, perhaps start looking for someone yougner who may be able to fulfill this requirement. And Point 4 is important from both sides, although in this day in age, many people are too picky on the level of attraction required and it is leading to a lot of people living their best Monk lives. My suggestion, follow your instincts and let her go. You are looking for a female version of you but have found a chalk to your cheese.
  13. Honestly, if I received this from a girl I had been dating for 5 months, I would be seriously thinking about letting that girl go. But that's me. He's at med school, deep in study and doing what is needed to get his degree and has a girl demanding more of his time than he has available. Then she drops a thinly veiled ultimatum as a sh*t test? But then, if I was on your side, and I was not getting what I wanted from the relationship in terms of time spent, then I might be thinking of getting out. So, at 24, why can't you wait any longer?
  14. OKay, so if one day she does decide to reach out, say in a years time, what will she find? Someone that has been sitting by the phone, pining for her for the past year? or perhaps someone who has bothered her month after month after month and not able to get over her? Or someone who is strong in himself, able to move on and get on with his life and is better for the relationship having been in the past?
  15. Friendship. It does sound like he has either begun to catch some feelings, or is just a caring kinda guy. If you are not interested in anything more, then you need to end this hook up.
  16. You are a fool for staying with her. You caught her cheating before the marriage but married her anyway. She continues to have affairs, and you let her. She has now spawned 3 kids and wants more while you work your fingers to the bone paying for it all. And she wants to be a stay at home mother? I'm assuming you are in the US, which will mean, if you decide to file for divorce, she gets the house, the kids, child support, alimony, while you look forward to having your bones stripped bare, having no money, and working hard to pay for it all. This woman is never going to be a normal woman. SHe has provied time and time again that you are not enough for her, and you are proving that you are the perfect simp that will pay for her kids, keep her in money and accept her back when she goes off with her latest boytoy. I would suggest getting out entirely. You are paying either way, so may as well try to be happy alone without watching her jump from guy to guy because she doesn't like being with you.
  17. Maybe he feels exactly the same. Perhaps he is waiting for the right opportunity, or waiting for the right sign from you. Things are changing in the manisphere, lots of us guys aren't keen to go in for the kiss or try something until we are absolutely sure. All it takes these days is one unproven sentence from a woman to ruin a good man's reputation. Perhap try having a conversation with him about it.
  18. Six months is not long enough to get over this FWB and move into friends. You are not ready and he is wary of that. You were clingy with him in the past, and just by reading your post, I can see you would move back into that again. You say you wont but you are fooling yourself. All of this thought of what to tell him, how to show him you have changed etc, that is a rather obvious statement that you have not changed. He is too high up on your pecking list and your need for him is still rather obvious. I say meet with him, but then let him go and try to grow in yourself, get stronger and not need to have someone there.
  19. What you are going through is getting quite common these days. There are a lot of good guys out there that just want to be themselves and be loved by a good woman, but they end up plan B because they don't give this fireworks that seems to be a necessity these days for women. The problem is, fireworks don't last, and when the sky clears, the women get bored and runs off after the next feeling of fireworks, thenin their 30s to be left wondering where all the good guys are. I know a lot of good guys who may not be the best looking, tallest, aren't muscular, and many earn a good packet, but they still get put off by women as not good enough. So many of them are choosing not to bother anymore. I mean, what's the point? Women just don't want the good guy. They say they do, then friendzone only to look back with regret and chasing around the bad guys and getting nowhere. And reading your post, you have a long laundry list of all the great things you want in a great man, but also a long list of how badly you treat good guys. Are you actually good enough for a good guy?
  20. It's a classic sh*t test to determine what quality of person you are. Are you the type that will sleep with them early, or scurry away in fear? Or, are you the woman that will stand up for yourself, that you are looking for something deeper and not prepared to have a home date until you are ready. If they continue to pester after you have stood up to them, then best just get rid of them. The test weeds out the people they aren't looking for and is done by men and women, just in different ways.
  21. So, if he is treating you this badly, why do you stay around? To be honest, he is playing you. He is giving you just enough to keep you eagerly coming back for me, while he is off hanging with his friends and likely sleeping with other girls. He knows that he doesn't have to give you much to keep you interested, and when you complain, he will give you just enough to keep you around, then go off and do as he wishes. Walk away, it aint worth it, he aint worth it.
  22. For a start, stop comparing real life to movies. That is setting your expectations at a time when you should not have any. And, it also sounds like he has moved into an area of contentment with you, just getting on with the relationship, yet, you are still after excitement. The way you describe him is that he is this nice beta guy, who tells me what I want to hear, but he just doesn't excite you. He's the kind of guy you want to settle down with and get on with life when you are ready for that. But you are young, and want excitement, some guy that makes your heart rush, some guy that keeps you on your toes, and this guy just doesn't do it for you. It's almost like he's too nice, and you want a guy who you don't understand, a guy who pushes you a little harder and a guy who doesn't give you all you want. On another side, you mention finding a guy who makes you happy. Perhaps you are not happy in yourself. You shouldn't look for your happiness in other people, it's not up to them to make you happy, it's up to you. And if you aren't happy with yourself, it doesn't matter how great the guy is, he can only cover your unhappiness for so long and sooner or later it will come out again. Either way, I would let the poor guy go. He likely thinks everything is dandy. Then get out there, live life a little. Upskill yourself, find your a hobby that doesn't revolve around being in a relationship, and explore what life has to offer. And find a means to be happy by yourself. Then, go find a guy who makes you feel all of those things, if he exists.
  23. OKay, I understand. Well, say hello to my mum while your down there will you. The virus is probably messing with your experience down there, I still hope you make the most of it. And once you get back, hit him up and see what is what. Just don't be too expectant, as another poster has said, he lost interest when he couldn't get there for June, and he has a habit of moving on quickly, so try it, but don't be too hopeful. As a long term traveller myself, I know it can be easy to get wound up with someone only to have them head off in a different direction from where you are with promises of one day meeting up. Stay in the now and don't hold off your experiences for a pipe dream.
  24. Well yes, Instagram does have a reputation for being a place for some women to get lots of free attention and to feel good about themselves. But I agree with Holly that he has some deeper issues. Men like women who cook, so you are seeking attention by posting food? I say block him as he wishes. He doesn't have the right to control your access to social media. I could understand a little more if you were posting bikini shots or the like, but since you don't, he needs to talk to someone about his insecurity issues and to stop being so controlling.
  25. Hey there, girl from the land of my whanau, This emotional fling that you had with this lad was little more than a fleeting encounter with someone you connected with from the other side of the world. And in that week, there were more ups and down then good relationships have in their first 6 months, arguments, declarations of love, friends complaining he was spending too much time etc. It sounds like it was too intense for something that will last, but will leave a memory with you. Like the cliche, 'the brightest stars burn the fastest', that is pretty much what went on here. It was great while it lastest, but that intensity could not have lasted long term. As to why he may have disappeared. Things are a lot heavier over here than they are in NZ. He has come back to his family and is in lockdown with the rest of the world. With the threat of this virus continuing for months, the fleeting encounter with this girl from the other side of the world will likely fade. Remember he skipped out on a girl he was sleeping with to hang out with you, with you being so far away, and the liklihood of getting together low, he'll throw out his net to catch another girl. My suggestion, let it go, remember the time fondly, and get on with your life. If something happens in the future, then it will happen, but don't hang on in hope, there are plenty of other people out there.
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