I get absolutely NO play from men. Why, how and what the ***?

[pineappleafter563]

27. Never dated. Controlling parents I moved away from 2 years ago. Lots of healing done and to go. I'm sure all of that put a pretty dent in my dating life.

But still, y'all. I do not get the absolute DEARTH of activity in my dating life that's happening to this day. 

Straight up: I'm not ugly. I don't stank. Friends are genuinely surprised to hear I've never dated. And let's be frank: I have seen...less conventionally attractive people in relationships that it cannot be my looks. I am kind and interesting and at least a 7...that is enough to kickstart a little something with a guy, surely. But it has never happened.

I've never been kissed. Held hands. No 1:1 romantic spent with guys. I've done all the Eat Pray Love self-love solitude stuff. Love it. It's time for romance now...been time.

Ignoring the fact I refuse to go on dating apps (they suck), even during these socially-avoidant times, women still get hit on time to time IRL. Asked on a date. Flirted with. Why not me?

Or maybe is it just because I'm not online? Or around enough men? All my friends largely meet guys through Hinge or friend of friends. 

I want this critical part of life to finally begin for me. And it just won't!

[Jaunty]

You seem pretty passive.  Parts of life don't always just "begin" for people.  Often they need to do things to "kickstart" changes they'd like to see in their lives.  It doesn't simply happen.

[pineappleafter563]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You seem pretty passive.  Parts of life don't always just "begin" for people.  Often they need to do things to "kickstart" changes they'd like to see in their lives.  It doesn't simply happen.

No, before women feel the need to sign up for a dating app or join a co-ed club or whatever, they still get romantic attention from men. They get flirted with, they're in talking stages with guys, etc. They get confirmation that one guy, at least once in their lives, has romantic interest in them.

I want *** to shake without my initiation first. 

[Kwothe28]

7 minutes ago, pineappleafter563 said:

I want *** to shake without my initiation first. 

So you want to do nothing and for a man to fall into your lap because "you are a 7"? Yeah, it doesnt work that way. People rarely get lucky like that. You would have to be proactive and move your arse and find yourself in a vicinity of men in order for somebody to approach you. 

Also, are you even "approachable"? Meaning open to communication with men? Because I dont think so with that kind of attitude.

[catfeeder]

Great! You've put that out into the universe, and so it will happen--just like that. You know, I've decided that it's time for a million dollars to fall in my lap. Ignoring the fact that I refuse to buy a lottery ticket, I've seen other people with their boats and cars and real estate, so it's time for that to happen to me.

Fingers crossed for both of us!

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, pineappleafter563 said:

Or maybe is it just because I'm not online? Or around enough men? All my friends largely meet guys through Hinge or friend of friends. 

Do you actively put yourself "out there"?

Do you do any hobbies in which you can occasionally meet and chat with men? Have you tried speed dating events? Parties? Are you approachable?

[Capricorn3]

Being a "7" doesn't always mean you'll attract a lot of men.  Always remember, looks are subjective - what's "7" to one person could be a "4" to another.

That said, personality counts for far more than perceived looks.  Being approachable even more than that.  If nothing is happening at all, for years and years, you're the common denominator.  Ask your friends what they think, as they know you best.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said:

No, before women feel the need to sign up for a dating app or join a co-ed club or whatever, they still get romantic attention from men. They get flirted with, they're in talking stages with guys, etc. They get confirmation that one guy, at least once in their lives, has romantic interest in them.

I want *** to shake without my initiation first. 

What the heck is a "talking stage"? Also why do you care who initiates and if  your purpose in dating is finding a potential match for the long term who cares if men who won't be a good fit for  you notice you or not? If you're interested in flirting and then dating casually that's a bit different -then I can see why  you're so needy for being flattered/ego stroking but otherwise who cares who starts a conversation first? I get that many women prefer the man to do the asking out for the first couple dates or the first date -I sure did - but there is no talking stage - it's not a stage.  Two people who have a conversation might decide to then go on a date.  Two people who flirt might decide to go on a date. 

The way I upped the chances of that happening especially at your age was by being out there and proactive in environments where single people -or people who could introduce me to suitable single people-were likely to be. 

I did get my share of attention from men and in some cases part of that was because I looked attractive but only a small part -I carried myself with confidence (particularly important since I am 5"2), I started conversations with people especially where it was normal to do so (and sometimes where it wasn't lol -I was socially pretty bold and extroverted!), I asked friends and coworkers to set me up with suitable guys and I returned the favor -and still do (I am 57, been setting people up on dates for over 40 years) - I took an interest in people in general - made people feel comfortable in their own skin - because I like doing that, it feels good - just standing there looking all pretty is kind of -self-absorbed IMHO.

What do you bring to the table except thinking you are a 7? Do you do any volunteer work? Do you belong to any activities where people meet -any professional networking groups, a book club, a gym, a hiking or biking group?

Why do you want to be "hit on?" How about instead being in an environment where you talk with people especially related to why you are there (i.e. not a bar as a steady thing) - and come to a mutual sense that you'd like to meet again one on one including maybe for a date? No "stage" needed - "talking" is simply two people flirting perhaps sussing out whether there is interest before asking the person out on a date -it's not a stage because in some cases two friends are platonic for years and "talk" and then poof it's friendship caught on fire and in other cases they meet, click and one asks the other out.  Typically if there's some sort of "talking" stage it's because one person is more interested in flirting than actually dating or can't be bothered to put in the effort to plan a proper date in advance.  

I approached my future husband first.  Crossed a crowded room at a work breakfast for new employees.  HIs first day, my 42nd.  I knew he knew no one and was very shy.  No flirting and he asked me out first 8-9 months later.  We got married 14 years and 5 weeks after meeting that day but that's another story I've written about separately.  Had I not crossed the room it's likely we'd never have met or met in any meaningful way for him to ask me out.

[yogacat]

Maybe not enough guys around you. Focus on finding places where plenty of guys are most likely to go to, or on doing activities where chances are higher to find good men. You can try approaching yourself, at least to say hi; most guys don't really react negatively to it, some may often be flattered.

[graphicdesigner]

My daughter has the same problem. She is 24 and has never had a boyfriend, and she is gorgeous, trust me! We went to dinner this weekend and she told me she signed up for a few dating apps, went on her first date a week ago, and she didn't like it. She said the guy kissed her after the first date and it turned her off. My daughter is very very outgoing and has lots of friends—we raised her to have a lot of friends because she was an only child. I sometimes wonder if because she's so focused on her friends—who by the way, are mostly married and one is now pregnant—that maybe it turns the guys off from approaching her? I simply have no idea, because I've had boyfriends since I was 15. She's different from me though, she's always been very self-confident and comfortable in her own skin. She's always told me that she doesn't need a guy in her life to make her happy. I appreciate that she's so independent, but I also wonder if she's feeling lonely deep down which prompted her to sign up for these dating apps to begin with? I love that about her, because I was always the opposite—very insecure and not comfortable in my own skin. 

I say join a few dating apps and give it a shot. You literally have nothing to lose.

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, pineappleafter563 said:

 

I want *** to shake without my initiation first. 

Ok. I understand.  Most of us want plenty of things to drop into our laps without having to do anything and once in a while it actually happens.  Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones.  

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No "stage" needed - "talking" is simply two people flirting perhaps sussing out whether there is interest before asking the person out on a date

Well, don't forget, there's always your favorite go-to, talking backstage or while painting a stage or setting up a stage at your local theater. I've met wonderful people doing that, and I'm great with a dry brush. 🙂

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Well, don't forget, there's always your favorite go-to, talking backstage or while painting a stage or setting up a stage at your local theater. I've met wonderful people doing that, and I'm great with a dry brush. 🙂

Definitely -I never actually have but so many of my friends have and do!

[tattoobunnie]

Looks do not matter.  It's opportunity and a numbers game.  Have all your friends set you up with people.  My buddy did all the apps! All the apps.  But found a great man through Facebook dating.  He's great.  Just met him.  They've been going steady for months now. 

Before they met, he was ready to give up on dating.

[waffle]

I get what OP is saying.  I think it IS odd to never get male attention.  

[Batya33]

Just now, waffle said:

I get what OP is saying.  I think it IS odd to never get male attention.  

She seems to want a specific kind of male attention from specific males.  

In the 1990s one of my coworkers- very beautiful looking and a great person- told me this story-she was shopping with her mother at a department store.  Her mother said - you keep looking down and you do not realize how many men are noticing  you! My friend was very tall if that matters.

So my friend said - she took her mother's advice -started looking up more.  One day a man across the street from where she was walking sort of waved and said hi.  Somehow someone crossed over to the other side -she  thought he seemed/looked nice.  They got married a few years later (hopefully they still are!)

[rainbowsandroses]

Not sure why the confusion about this, but taken literally as defined talking "stage" is the period before you're actually dating wherein you're "talking," flirting etc.  Whether in real life or online. 

It can last a short while or a longer while depending on the environment you're in (an office environment for example) and/or how comfortable you are asking that person out on a date.  But it's quite common in my experience.

@pineappleafter563 I'm sorry for what you're feeling and experiencing.

I agree with others to get out there and begin making effort.  You don't have to approach however you can make it easier for men to approach you through the energy you project.

For example, smiling when you see an attractive man, giving him an IOI (indication of interest), something subtle not aggressive or overt if that's not your style. 

But something.  IOW become "approachable."

I've talked to men about this on men's forums, in my support group, my brothers and even the men I've dated and had relationships with, and one common complaint I hear is that women often possess what is referred to as a "b*tch shield."

They're either walking around wearing ear plugs listening to music or otherwise appear to be very closed and guarded with a "don't bother me" look.

I don't think many women are even aware of this (some are), but that's the energy they project and as such never get approached and then complain about it!  

Not saying this is you but something to consider? 

Give a man a "window, " a "green light" help him out!  

Gone are the days when men boldly approach random women, there are many reasons for this which I won't get into.

Also have you considered attending meet ups?  A friend of mine met her husband that way. 

Anyway JMO, good luck!! 

 

 

 

 

[TeeDee]

Based upon your history that I gleaned from other posts, the problem is you have no experience. 

In your early teens when most kids were learning how to flirt you didn't do that.  Now as an adult you have no idea how you should act & you probably can't recognize the signs when somebody is flirting with you. 

You don't have to be on the apps but you do have to make eye contact, laugh at jokes & be approachable.  It's a skill

 

This is a little different but in my 20s I gorgeous guy I worked with complained all the time that woman just didn't notice him.  That made no sense to me, so I agreed to go to a nightclub with him as friends.  My BF came along so it wasn't that this guy was interested in me.  On the short walk from the front door to the bar I clocked no fewer than 7 women checking him out.  He did not notice a one.  I had to point out these woman out to him.  As the night wore on, my BF assured him that at least 2 women that he talked to could probably be persuaded to have a ONS if he played his cards right.  The guy, my buddy, had no idea.  

We did this again the following weekend.  About 2 months later on his own he met the woman who is now his wife.  They have been married for 20+ years.  

[catfeeder]

I agree with the good folks above. You'll never know that you're being checked out unless you do some checking. Read up on soft signals women give out as 'invitations' to men, and start doing them. I also like @rainbowsandroses suggestion to explore meetup.com to find groups, clubs, events and outings available to you in your area. Then get out there and become a man-magnet :).

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Read up on soft signals women give out as 'invitations' to men, and start doing them.

^^This is exactly what I was referring to.  Soft signals, indications of interest, a window, a green light, they all mean the same thing - become open and approachable.

I actually did an experiment once wherein I intentionally went out one Saturday afternoon (I live in a relatively large city) wearing ear plugs, appearing closed with a "don't bother me" look.

Not ONE man approached.

Contrast to that on a typical Saturday afternoon and my usual style, when I see an attractive man, I give him a subtle look, a smile, I make eye contact and other IOI's or soft signals.  NOTHING overt (not my style) or aggressive.

And on a recent afternoon, five different men approached me.  I talked with ALL of them for a short while but did not end up giving any my number or email on that particular day.  Did not matter though, it's called knowing you have options and that mindset will increase confidence, which makes the entire process easier. 

After awhile it will come naturally.

 

 

 

[smackie9]

You say your friends are bewildered....why are they not helping you with this? We can only advice on here with typing to which isn't going to give you much of anything but you will get better results if you consult with those around you who know you best. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, waffle said:

I get what OP is saying.  I think it IS odd to never get male attention.  

Given that she was isolated almost all her life, that nature of her job is maybe something like online work or her friends maybe dont go out in huge crowds but she is just seeing them for coffee, its entirely possible OP just doesnt come out in a vicinity of men to get that attention. Nore she shows signs of trying that.

Also, I think its fair to ask the question, but does she even counts anything less than a "7" as a "male attention"? Or she just counts guys higher than that? And brushes off anything less than a "7" as "not worthy to even talk to"? Lots of people who are "hyper focused" on looks dont really count the ones that they think they are bellow them and just are focused on very specific people. 

Also yes, its fair to ask would she, due to lack of experience know that maybe somebody is hitting on her? And would she know what to do with that given her closeness.

[Wonderstruck]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've talked to men about this on men's forums, in my support group, my brothers and even the men I've dated and had relationships with, and one common complaint I hear is that women often possess what is referred to as a "b*tch shield."

They're either walking around wearing ear plugs listening to music or otherwise appear to be very closed and guarded with a "don't bother me" look.

Yes, women do this DELIBERATELY because they DON'T want random men approaching them, trying to hit on them or ask them out, when they're just trying to peacefully go about their day.

It's often one of the only ways to get men to BACK OFF and LEAVE US ALONE.

And the term "b*tch shield" is absolutely disgusting.

The men on those "men's forums" you frequent sound like creepy Incel losers.

Stop holding women accountable for men's actions.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Wonderstruck said:

Yes, women do this DELIBERATELY because they DON'T want random men approaching them, trying to hit on them or ask them out, when they're just trying to peacefully go about their day.

It's often one of the only ways to get men to BACK OFF and LEAVE US ALONE.

And the term "b*tch shield" is absolutely disgusting.

The men on those "men's forums" you frequent sound like creepy Incel losers.

Stop holding women accountable for men's actions.

Thanks.  You do you hon, I'll do me. 

I get approached quite often and if I find a man "creepy," I excuse myself and walk away.  I am open and friendly.  I enjoy having conversations with different people, both men AND women.  Does not always have to lead to a "date" nor is it always about getting "hit on."

I don't dislike men, I don't find their actions as a group to be creepy or mock their feelings about what they experience with women and call them losers.

To clarify, re the men's forums, this was NOT a forum frequented by incel losers or creeps.  I have also been on those forums and do not participate there any longer.  I was referring to forums very much like ENA. 

But mostly, I got my information from my own brothers (who are definitely NOT losers or incels or creeps) and the support groups I have attended and my own boyfriends and they are also definitely NOT losers, incels or creeps.  

I am truly sorry you have such a low opinion of men and feel you have to "shield" yourself from them as a group.   I find that sad.

Me? I would rather determine how "creepy" a man is on an individual basis and again if I find a man creepy, I walk away.  No biggee.

But again you do you, whatever makes you happy.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Yes, women do this DELIBERATELY because they DON'T want random men approaching them, trying to hit on them or ask them out, when they're just trying to peacefully go about their day.

It's often one of the only ways to get men to BACK OFF and LEAVE US ALONE.

And the term "b*tch shield" is absolutely disgusting.

The men on those "men's forums" you frequent sound like creepy Incel losers.

Stop holding women accountable for men's actions.

I also want to add that what you have posted above is at least one of the reasons why men don't feel comfortable approaching random women anymore.  Heck, I have read where one woman called the police!  All he did was say hi and tried to have a friendly conversation.  I am not even sure if his goal was "hitting on her" per se but she felt harassed and called the police.

So men don't approach anymore unless they receive some sort of "soft signal" from a woman as @catfeederreferred to it and I cooroberated. 

Note the same women who guard themselves and refuse to talk to any men will often turn around and complain that they never get asked out!  I have heard and witnessed this.

Gee, I wonder why.

Again, good luck.