She is job hopping, and it worries me

[Andrina]

From my lifelong observations of myself and people I know, just as most often a person's moral compass usually stays the same throughout one's lifetime, so does a person's work ethic maintain a steady course, whether it sucks or it's good.

 

It's usually better to take a "what you see is what you get" mindset instead of a "hope for the best" when considering who to choose as a lifelong partner.

 

With my first husband, when we dated, his poor decisions while in a job situation would frustrate me, and he got fired because of nonsense. I married too young before I had life experience to realize what a dealbreaker his work ethics should have been to me. The arguments about his career and job lasted throughout our 23 year marriage and was regularly a major point of contention.

 

With my 2nd husband, he and I both share a high work ethic, and we sometimes talk of the jobs we did when we were young teens and older teens, and it was clear he and I were showing signs of people with high work ethics from even those very youthful years.

 

It's up to you if you want to continue to invest time and emotional energy into someone who is showing you who she is right now and it's frustrating you. If you do want to give her a chance to do a 360 within a year's time, that's up to you, but I wouldn't gamble on her changing into the person you want her to be in such a short span. It's usually wiser to be with someone who you don't want to change in a major way.

[boltnrun]

I do know people who had terrible work ethics who turned themselves around.

 

Key words...they turned THEMSELVES around. They didn't do it at the request of anyone else, they weren't bullied or coerced or urged or begged to do it. They just decided enough was enough and made the necessary changes.

 

Can you wait around to see if she has an epiphany?

 

I do advise, as did others, that you do NOT move in together unless you are able and willing to pay 100% of the expenses.

[catfeeder]

I do advise, as did others, that you do NOT move in together unless you are able and willing to pay 100% of the expenses.

 

Even if you evolve into a financial position that could support 100% of shared expenses, why would you want to? That wouldn't be 'supporting' her, it would be enabling her to avoid learning how to stand on her own two feet. Then when you tire of that, you'll feel trapped with someone who doesn't own the capacity to move out and fend for herself.

 

Again, that's not doing her any favors. It's bad parenting, and it's bad partnering.

[boltnrun]

Even if you evolve into a financial place that could support 100% of the expenses, why would you want to? That wouldn't be 'supporting' her, it would be enabling her to avoid learning how to stand on her own two feet. Then when you tire of that, you'll feel trapped with someone who doesn't own the capacity to move out and fend for herself.

 

Again, that's not doing her any favors. It's bad parenting, and it's bad partnering.

 

I agree. I just don't want the OP to decide to move in, "hoping" she will "change" or choosing to try to believe her if she says she will settle down in a long-term job "soon". Or, she gets that full time job only to quit after the lease is signed.

 

I would give her a good six months to a year in the same job before I'd be willing to sign a lease with her. AND, I would not agree to be the only signer.

[focus4000]

I agree. I just don't want the OP to decide to move in, "hoping" she will "change" or choosing to try to believe her if she says she will settle down in a long-term job "soon". Or, she gets that full time job only to quit after the lease is signed.

 

I would give her a good six months to a year in the same job before I'd be willing to sign a lease with her. AND, I would not agree to be the only signer.

 

I have no intent on being a person to carry weight like that. Unless I make stupid amounts of money where I wouldn't know what to do with it, I wouldn't do that. And hell, even if I did, still would expect them to pay their own way in most regards lol

 

But yeah, she knows my boundaries there, and will push them from time to time (arguement we had where she said "You don't plan on it for another 3 years, huh?", to which I responded "I plan to do so when we are capable of doing so without shooting ourselves in the foot. If we can support ourselves as individuals, what makes us think we can support each other as a couple? I wouldn't wish to be a burden like that in any way, I'd rather focus on getting my together") I refuse to fold on it, since I don't wish to make stupid decisions so for the sake of filling a void for someone

 

She gets upset when I make that point, as a I mentioned earlier, and was responded to with what I agree with about rough patches

[focus4000]

Sorry but your gf sounds like a very typical budding narcissist. Highly charismatic when she wants something and capable of charming people into getting it - be it dating you or getting yet another job. At the same time, a perpetual victim, misunderstood, everyone else is the problem, thin skinned and incapable of accepting any criticism, let alone constructive feedback. Everything is a slight against her hyper fragile ego. No doubt, you OP, are highly empathetic and supportive - a perfect mark for her, a a sucker as they say. You feel sorry for her, you feel bad, you hug her and tell her you'll be there for her, it will all be OK.

 

Dude - run like heck and whatever you do, do not move in with her. Your common sense and instincts are screaming at you for a reason. Sorry but at 24, most people her age are perfectly capable of holding down a job and paying their bills solo. They aren't looking for a sucker to support them while they "figure out who they want to be when they grow up", aka "I looove you baby, why don't we move in together, it will be soooo wonderful and we can do this and that and....you are just the best and my total soulmate and gosh...I just don't know how I could be so lucky to have found such an amazing guy. I'm sooo in love with you." Sorry to burst your bubble that isn't love, it's manipulation.

 

 

I find it funny that you see that, since I don't see her as charismatic by any sense of the word lmao She damn well knows she can't sucker me into anything I don't want to do. With the victim aspect and all that though, I do see it. I've asked her what roles she has played in her negative circumstances, and she never fully owns up to her part in the situations she has found herself in. She was in a super abusive relationship before I met her, so I can see her "flaws" from that, but do my best to remind her I'm not them, and that if she projects it upon me, I will have none of it (unless I actually am being a piece of crap, but I know for certain I haven't done anything ty within our relationship, since I made it a point to myself to be cognizant of me reactions to things, and step away if I find myself hitting a point where I'm not comfortable with how I would respond)

 

She says that last line, or stuff like it all the time, and gets weirded out when I don't reciprocate. But I explain to her that I'm not one for ultra bubbly and deliberately overaffectionat phrases since the chick before her was all about it, and THAT GIRL was full blown narcissist. Had me on my ass for a good long minute, but I learned alot, and it's caused rifts for this one, but she knows I will have none of it, and that if she expects it from me, she won't really get it. Alrtuism is far more important that romanticized love that only happens in disney movies and sex fiction novels

[focus4000]

"Rough patches," while inevitable, certainly shouldn't serve as the foundation. You're right to be resistant.

 

Easiest solution? Stick to your guns. Don't put yourself in a position to rely on her puling her weight. It's a recipe for resentment. Let her figure things out at her own effort and pace. It's either worth it for you to stick it out or it's not. As mentioned earlier, you're inching ever closer to a parenting role, which is as much unnecessary stress on you as it is simply an unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you think she's worth spending another year or so with and seeing if she'll professionally mature while you look after yourself and your own development and financial responsibilities in the meantime, then go for it. But it's only going to work if you take a hands-off approach and trust her to do her thing. Conversely, she's gotta handle that trust and her responsibility to do her thing without constantly offloading her job woes onto you. If any or all of this isn't looking likely, I'm sorry to say you've most likely hit an impasse.

 

I agree, and any instant I feel like I'm "raising" her, or like teaching her how to live her life, I back up super hard and let her know I'll do my best to help her without being a therapist or care taker. She responds to that surprisingly well, since I feel like crap every time I say it lol But I know that I'm not with her to make her into something she isn't, but to see who she becomes and hope that it pans out well for the both of us while I develop myself

 

I come her since I'm at the point where I find myself asking the thought you poised: " If you think she's worth spending another year or so with and seeing if she'll professionally mature while you look after yourself and your own development and financial responsibilities in the meantime, then go for it. "

 

I'm not really sure tbh

[focus4000]

I think you're being VERY smart for not letting her talk you into moving in together. Her instability and inability to take criticism are huge stumbling blocks.

 

You're working on the future. Why doesn't she get some kind of training for a job she might like?

 

She wants to get into HR, and is discussing taking certification classes. But..... Oddly enough, she is already in an HR role and not doing so hot...... So it's like, do you actually want to do it, or just like the sound of doing it? Know what I mean?

[focus4000]

She doesn't really get that way when she asks me for my thoughts. From time to time she will ask why I'm not blindly siding with her, and I tell her like it is. I'm not an omniscent being who can judge her situation.

 

When it comes to the relationship, we discuss pretty calmly our issues, and it resolves itself pretty quick when it comes up. It's just when it repeats that I get frustrated, and THAT is when I feel like I'm pushing the boundaries of the parenting role, which has brought me here in line with my other concerns.

[focus4000]

I appreciate all of you responses though everyone :)

 

It's helpful, and makes me not feel like an for wondering what I should do with this rather than be blindly optimistic lmao

 

Not something I normally do, but the urge to not judge in this situation could easily cause that to happen

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Does she live with her parents? There is no hurry to move in together until both of you have steady stable jobs, financial savvy, decent credit as well as operating on an affordable budget including living costs and phone, car etc etc etc.

 

Let her live on her own first and she will quickly see how you just can't quit 'whenever' when rent and bills are due. She sounds quite immature. However do not put yourself in this parental role and tell her how/when to work etc. Parent/child relationships breed resentment and kill the romance. Don't go there.

[Rose Mosse]

People who demand loyalty often don't deserve it. If she's feeling the need to emphasize that you need to be on her side more often, it just means that you're often not on her side and you should trust your instincts. I feel like you're afraid to judge for some reason and this is the one thing stopping you from making better decisions when it comes to partners. We judge each other and I don't think it should be stigmatized or shied away from. We avoid problems by understanding and judging. We problem-solve by first assessing and judging what the issue is. There's nothing wrong with being optimistic but fear of judging what's right for you will always lead you down a troublesome path.

[bluecastle]

You sound like a really good guy. Whether she's on your level, shares your values—well, time will tell and it's up to you to determine how much time you want to take.

 

I was in a version of these shoes in my last relationship. She was younger than me—I was 35, she was 23, when we met—and for a good long time (read: too long) I worked under the assumption that some of her wayward habits (almost identical to your girlfriend's) were things that would dissipate. She talked a lot about wanting x and y—variables I valued, and lived by—which I took as a "positive" sign, her stepping in the right direction.

 

Alas, no. Like you, I tried very hard to avoid any whiff of a parent/teacher dynamic. But here's the catch: if you have to even try hard to avoid that, odds are it means you're already in it. It means your relationship is, in part, predicated on seeing if your partner can "grow up" so, you know, you can be in relationship. That works for some people, in a number of ways, another classic archetype being the woman waiting for the man to "grow up" and be ready for marriage, family. But more often than not it's a weird dynamic, one that hinders growth on both sides more than promoting it.

 

It all comes down to how much you believe in the idea of dating potential, and being honest that there is a difference between committing to potential vs. actual. I've tried the potential thing. Had some great times, some real feelings. But it didn't work and changed my focus a bit. Probably in the past there were things I enjoyed in playing the "lead" role—insecurities at work, that I took some years to untangle—whereas today I really enjoy being with someone where there is no concern about whether she'll learn how to be an adult by my standards of adulthood because she'd gotten there on her own, long before I entered her life. Without the worry of whether she'll be able to hold down a job or pay an electric bill, there's a lot of room freed up in my head and heart to just surrender to the connection and where it'll go.

[Hollyj]

I don't think this is about her age. I'm more than twice your age, OP, and I see a ton of people in their early 20's in my company who not only stay through the tough times, but work even harder to excel. Heck, it motivates me harder to keep up with 'em!

 

What you have here is an insecure little girl who can't handle the slightest criticism. Something tells me she's from the "everybody gets a trophy" club. There there, all will be fine, you're perfect, you're so wonderful. Well, life doesn't work like that, and bosses can suck, and work can be demanding, and projects have to be redone.

 

Don't move in with her. Give it another 6 months to a year to decide if this is even the right relationship for you, and move on if necessary.

 

I agree with this.

 

How long has she been looking in her field ?

[WithLove]

Hi OP,

 

Thought I'd pipe in because I'm your girlfriend in this scenario.

 

While I don't have as many short-term jobs as she does, I have failed at multiple ones. I've gotten fired twice and quit one in the last 4 years or so. The first one I was with for 2 years and loved it, but I was caught telling a story on social media about a patient (I worked in healthcare) and although I didn't list any names, the fact that I mentioned a patient was cause enough for termination. I was deeply embarrassed and honestly I'm still not over it. The other jobs I mentioned, the one I quit was just a racist and sexist environment (it honestly was) and the last one I was fired from was my fault. I made a lot of mistakes and became too much a liability.

 

 

If I had to guess, your girlfriend passes off her terminations and quittings as less dramatic than they really are because she's embarrassed, ashamed, and knows that you disapprove. It happened to me, too, and I'm still kind of shaken to my core, especially because I'm on my last warning at my current job. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 20s, made excuses for myself and pretending I wasn't the reason for all these issues, but the reality is that I am the reason I lost those jobs.

 

Try to imagine how she likely feels - we're conditioned to understand that staying with one job for as long as possible is the best thing, because you can move up, get promotions, and have the stability of one job. And now she's lost, like, 5 of them in a year's time. She has to continually start over. She feels no safety at any job because she knows that termination is probably around the corner of each one, and not only that, now she knows that her boyfriend isn't okay with this instability.

 

Again, I'm not making excuses for her, or me. I'm getting my act together (you can go check out my thread on it if you want). I hate that I've failed so much. I hate not being stable. I hate having enough issues that it feeds into my work. I want to be better. But it sounds like for right now, your girlfriend isn't or at least isn't wanting to take responsibility for her shortcomings, and she's the only person that can do that.

[purplepaisley]

What really boggles my mind is your GF's career choices. Working in her field of choice takes a thick skin. People always complain. They'll complain about her, her boss, her job, her company, coworkers, representatives, customer service, products, etc, etc. Some people can be downright nasty. She's not going to walk into a job as "golden child" with no hurdles and a big ball of joy, and it doesn't matter if she doesn't agree with some of the rules and protocol, she has to comply. It amazes me some of the work ethic I see, and I truly wonder how some of these people survive...is someone else footing the bill? My mother worked higher up on the food chain and was involved with hiring, and I remember her telling me about overlooking some applications because their ability to stick with a job longer than 4-6 months was sketchy, and they were looking to hire people who would stick. It takes money to put people through training. When your GF fails at professional jobs in the field she has chosen, it looks even worse.

 

I don't know how many times she'll have to fall down before she finally figures it out. There's a certain work ethic and reality of life she has yet to fully grasp.

 

I agree with everyone that at this point, moving in together is a bad idea, and I think your role as a "parent" has already established itself...it's impossible to not say anything or push or encourage...it also stops being easy to cater to whatever is upsetting her. You have already heard from other people working in the same location that the job is actually quite normal, and your girlfriend's complaints are rather immature and unfounded. One job, okay, but 5 jobs in a year, we have one common denominator. How is she surviving right now? I mean, who's covering her when she up and quits? Who's covering her bills? I think there's a certain level of humbleness that teaches you to cooperate, and that doesn't mean you become a doormat...you find a better job if the one you have is horrible, but by gawd, you develop a thick skin and a high tolerance for bull*** when you want to keep yourself (and family) housed and fed. No job is perfect and few people love their job all the time. It's just unrealistic to think otherwise, and particularly in a field of public relations and communication. I mean, is that job supposed to be a cakewalk?? Sit back and watch the dollars roll in??

 

She has to figure it out on her own when she realizes she really has to put effort and work into her job, and mistakes happen and criticism happens...fix it. Don't do it again. You have to decide how long you'll wait or if you need to move on.

[itsallgrand]

It sticks out like a sore thumb to me that she is pushing to move in together while she is bouncing from job to job and you are just about to land in that sweet spot after your hard work.

I could be wrong, but that seems to me like yet another way for her to try to avoid some hard work. Move in with bf, take a shortcut to having to work on herself.

 

Her work ethic seems quite low. I agree with others that is a value that tends to present itself rather steadily through adult life. I've been around early 20 something's who had so much tenacity in whatever they chose to work at, and then people in their 40s and up who never did ever see the value of it. Working at life being seen as an elective task, only when they felt like it.

 

At 30, there's a world of women to chose from as a prospective partner. Who can stand right along with you, and challenge you in positive ways too.

Do you feel like you can grow alongside this woman? Being honest, is she holding you back?

[katrina1980]

It sticks out like a sore thumb to me that she is pushing to move in together while she is bouncing from job to job and you are just about to land in that sweet spot after your hard work.

I could be wrong, but that seems to me like yet another way for her to try to avoid some hard work. Move in with bf, take a shortcut to having to work on herself.

 

Her work ethic seems quite low. I agree with others that is a value that tends to present itself rather steadily through adult life. I've been around early 20 something's who had so much tenacity in whatever they chose to work at, and then people in their 40s and up who never did ever see the value of it. Working at life being seen as an elective task, only when they felt like it.

 

At 30, there's a world of women to chose from as a prospective partner. Who can stand right along with you, and challenge you in positive ways too.

Do you feel like you can grow alongside this woman? Being honest, is she holding you back?

 

Chiming in late but I fully agree with this^ and also with Dancing Fool's post.

 

You disagreed w DF saying you saw no signs of narcissism or manipulation which kinda proves her point - she (your gf) has already succeeded in manipulating you without your even recognizing it. Classic.

 

I disagree w the poster who said it's about her age - she is young, finding herself blah blah.

 

This is about her character not her age. In fact nothing to do age as there are 20 something's who have the drive to be successful and are, or at the very least stable, and 40 something's who are still floundering, blaming everyone else, screaming bullying, abuse etc.

 

You know her claims of bullying and abuse (at several different jobs no less) are a load of bs since speaking w her co-workers who describe a completely different environment.

 

Again just my take but it appears she is histrionic and lazy, who may possibly be using you on some level for your financial potential, her "get out of work" card.

 

My advice is do not move in and be careful and aware; as an objective observer, I see a woman who has already succeeded in manipulating you, hence this thread versus simply walking away and finding a woman without all these issues and with your level of character and integrity.

[focus4000]

Hey y'all. Spent the night with her last night after she officially was fired, and it got all sorts of awkward

 

Woke up today and things didn't get much better. Spent the morning trying to relax and help her not focus so much on the negative if getting fired, and just enjoy the day.

 

She spent the morning being passive aggressive and it kind of got in my nerves a good bit where I ended up telling her that she needs to understand that her constant negativity along with the situation was being projected on me, and if she wanted to make things better that she would focus on what she needs from herself rather than constantly coming to me for solutions and stuff. (She kept repeatedly asking for affirmation of the same points for the whole time together even after I responded to them, while asking if I was bored, if I wanted to go home, etc...)

 

Not really sure what to do at this point, since before I left she was more or less putting the words of me breaking up with her in my mouth (that's where I actually got kind of mad), and told her that these assumptions and all that are making a bad situation worse :/

[bluecastle]

If you replaced "was fired" in the above with "got a boo boo" you could be describing a 6-year-old. Replace it with "he didn't ask me to prom" and you'd be describing a 16-year-old.

 

I know that's not fun to read, but there it is. You're the parent/teacher in this dynamic, and I'd do some real thinking as to whether you really want to keep taking that on and what may be the appeal of it to have gotten you this invested. Did you like, early, being the one who had it all a bit more "figured out"? Did you enjoy, early, being able to "help her relax" and "see things a bit differently"?

 

Just spitballing here, but they're questions worth asking.

[focus4000]

If you replaced "was fired" in the above with "got a boo boo" you could be describing a 6-year-old. Replace it with "he didn't ask me to prom" and you'd be describing a 16-year-old.

 

I know that's not fun to read, but there it is. You're the parent/teacher in this dynamic, and I'd do some real thinking as to whether you really want to keep taking that on and what may be the appeal of it to have gotten you this invested. Did you like, early, being the one who had it all a bit more "figured out"? Did you enjoy, early, being able to "help her relax" and "see things a bit differently"?

 

Just spitballing here, but they're questions worth asking.

 

I never really looked at it that way tbh lol

 

With the appeal and all that, I just figured I'd try being a bit more patient with seeing how a person unfolded, and thus here I am.

 

In the past, I'd normally say nah thanks and walk away, but tried something different this time around

[focus4000]

I never really looked at it that way tbh lol

 

With the appeal and all that, I just figured I'd try being a bit more patient with seeing how a person unfolded, and thus here I am.

 

In the past, I'd normally say nah thanks and walk away, but tried something different this time around

 

 

It's just hit a point now where I've stopped feeling like I'm being patient and more willing to try something different, and it's no longer something I'm capable of dealing with

 

Don't want it to get to the blow up point of me being fed up and calling it a day. Would rather get in front of it to minimize any unnecessary drama (since her sensitivity makes me very averse to dragging any situation like this out, since it'll only snowball from there)

[boltnrun]

How would you describe or explain "get in front of it"?

[focus4000]

Not let it hit the boiling point of a calamitous end, or at least having serious enough of a conversation where my concerns are seen as being valid rather than aboidant (she doesn't understand that of I set a time frame/ultimatum for what she was trying to accomplish with getting her work life in order, we'd of been well past that threshold)

[focus4000]

At this point it feels like she just ignores what I'm saying when I explain my point, since it's not in line with hers