She is job hopping, and it worries me

[abitbroken]

It's just hit a point now where I've stopped feeling like I'm being patient and more willing to try something different, and it's no longer something I'm capable of dealing with

 

Don't want it to get to the blow up point of me being fed up and calling it a day. Would rather get in front of it to minimize any unnecessary drama (since her sensitivity makes me very averse to dragging any situation like this out, since it'll only snowball from there)

 

Its already at that boiling point. She has no ability to be self-reflecting or introspective. you are finding out she is not a suitable future wife for you. Some people get fired despite them giving a job their all - they take constructive criticism and figure out what kind of job is a better fit, etc.and end up not being fired again - they leave a job when they are offered one that is a step up instead with proper notice. I would not wait until a big knock down argument happens - i would decide that you deserve a better match

[boltnrun]

I still don't understand how you plan to "get in front of it". By telling her what she should do? By warning her of consequences? By giving her unsolicited advice?

 

Those are all parenting tactics. Unless you mean some other method.

[focus4000]

I still don't understand how you plan to "get in front of it". By telling her what she should do? By warning her of consequences? By giving her unsolicited advice?

 

Those are all parenting tactics. Unless you mean some other method.

 

Realistically, i feel like I should make an ultimatum, but I know better and should just call it a day

[bluecastle]

Ultimatums have never—or very, very rarely—saved a relationship. Because odds are you're basically asking someone to be someone they're not, or at least not yet, and perhaps not ever, and to be that person now. Or else...

 

There's nothing to "get in front of" here, because you're already in it, as abitbroken succinctly pointed out. This is who she is. Right now. With you. If you want to make the basis of the relationship coaxing her to be someone else—well, that's an option. You can make that choice. But just know that's what you're doing, as your language in recent posts points toward.

 

I feel for you. Been in your shoes, as mentioned. What I'll say—and what you already know—is that life is hard and just gets harder. At this stage your girlfriend is showing a near-total inability to accept that, and deal with that.

 

This stuff? It's entry level, the tip of the iceberg in terms of what life will throw at you. It's working, paying rent. Adulthood 101. Wait till the real stuff hammers down—the stuff where you'll really need a partner next to you who can wield a sword as deftly as you can, because you're too leveled to keep trying to train another how to cope.

 

Stuff to think about, for real.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, stop giving her advice then. You are acting parental, contradicting yourself and blaming her. This is so simple. Do Not Move In Together. Stop being her job coach and financial adviser. Just stop. Problem solved. Stop trying to fix and change her into your needs. Stop fault finding to avoid real issues. Just end it then.

got in my nerves a good bit where I ended up telling her that she needs to.......

 

what she needs from herself rather than constantly coming to me for solutions and stuff.......

[focus4000]

Ok, stop giving her advice then. You are acting parental, contradicting yourself and blaming her. This is so simple. Do Not Move In Together. Stop being her job coach and financial adviser. Just stop. Problem solved. Stop trying to fix and change her into your needs. Stop fault finding to avoid real issues. Just end it then.

 

You guys are right. I appreciate the bluntness

[bluecastle]

Another way to think about this.

 

Imagine if your partner was describing you like this, or even thinking of you in these terms: as a kind of half-formed person who can't quite function in the world. Imagine if your partner was trying, in ways direct and indirect, to train and teach you. Imagine if your partner thought you were "okay" as you currently exist, but would be really, really great if you were a bit more x, a bit more y. Then she could take you seriously...

 

Odds are you'd feel condescended to, kind of icky. Odds are you wouldn't want to be with that person.

 

That's not to say your concerns aren't valid, but to kind of point out the problem in dating potential. Your partner becomes a project. No one wants to be a project. It's why parent/teacher relationships tend to have a shelf-life, an expiration date. Either the "child" grows up, grows those wings and wants to fly, or the "parent" becomes frustrated by the lack of growth, because their emotional investment isn't connected to appreciating the partner as he/she is, but in getting a reward for their lessons, their support.

[focus4000]

Another way to think about this.

 

Imagine if your partner was describing you like this, or even thinking of you in these terms: as a kind of half-formed person who can't quite function in the world. Imagine if your partner was trying, in ways direct and indirect, to train and teach you. Imagine if your partner thought you were "okay" as you currently exist, but would be really, really great if you were a bit more x, a bit more y. Then she could take you seriously...

 

Odds are you'd feel condescended to, kind of icky. Odds are you wouldn't want to be with that person.

 

That's not to say your concerns aren't valid, but to kind of point out the problem in dating potential. Your partner becomes a project. No one wants to be a project. It's why parent/teacher relationships tend to have a shelf-life, an expiration date. Either the "child" grows up, grows those wings and wants to fly, or the "parent" becomes frustrated by the lack of growth, because their emotional investment isn't connected to appreciating the partner as he/she is, but in getting a reward for their lessons, their support.

 

Very true. I made it a point to look at it in the sense of appreciating her for who she is, but as this kept reccuring, I guess I've lost sight of thay

[abitbroken]

Very true. I made it a point to look at it in the sense of appreciating her for who she is, but as this kept reccuring, I guess I've lost sight of thay

 

But if "who she is" does not have the qualities you need in a future wife ---then there is that. How much more will you endure? If you move in with her you will 100% be financially supporting her and also dealing with her denial and deflection about every other topic. what about her - besides sex, makes you compatible?? You can appreciate who someone is when they are the right someone. WHen you have to force yourself to find it in someone, why bother? She is not your classmate or lab partner -

[focus4000]

Another way to think about this.

 

Imagine if your partner was describing you like this, or even thinking of you in these terms: as a kind of half-formed person who can't quite function in the world. Imagine if your partner was trying, in ways direct and indirect, to train and teach you. Imagine if your partner thought you were "okay" as you currently exist, but would be really, really great if you were a bit more x, a bit more y. Then she could take you seriously...

 

Odds are you'd feel condescended to, kind of icky. Odds are you wouldn't want to be with that person.

 

That's not to say your concerns aren't valid, but to kind of point out the problem in dating potential. Your partner becomes a project. No one wants to be a project. It's why parent/teacher relationships tend to have a shelf-life, an expiration date. Either the "child" grows up, grows those wings and wants to fly, or the "parent" becomes frustrated by the lack of growth, because their emotional investment isn't connected to appreciating the partner as he/she is, but in getting a reward for their lessons, their support.

 

I really like this response after re-reading it. I realize it's kinda calling me out on some of my own BS

[bluecastle]

I really like this response after re-reading it. I realize it's kinda calling me out on some of my own BS

 

Well, if you want to call it your BS you actually don't need me to call you out on it.

 

Go back and read your post from when you guys were two months in, where it seems you were well aware of what you were signing up for: a young woman who did not believe she had enough layers to hold your interest, who felt boring compared to you, whose lack of direction in life and confidence in herself you found frustrating and perhaps an impediment to connection. Kind of reads as a prologue to the story you're in now, no?

 

Fragile stuff to build a relationship atop, all that. But clearly stuff that you were far more attracted to than put off by. What, do you think, is up with that?

 

You used a phrase in that long ago post that stood out to me: "Kinda trying to figure out how to navigate this for the sake of growth, or the foreseeable write off of her being very insecure and too sheltered for the relationship to grow." Seems "growth" is important to you, conceptually, but your barometer for growth is a bit limited, or at least more connected to seeing if you can "grow" another, and be rewarded for that, than the reward of growing alongside another whose tools are as sharp as, or even sharper, than your own.

 

You strike me as a good guy—big head, big heart, sensitive. But two months in your lack of respect for this woman was jumping off the page, as it's jumping off the page here. Your language is quite respectful and "woke," but in the case of this relationship (just looking at these two threads) it seems a bit misapplied—that the woman you really respect is the woman you believe she can become, more than the woman she is, or maybe has ever been.

 

Zoom out a few inches and you can see how that might be more self-serving than her-serving, since it predicates your connection on you being able to patiently coax her into being an equal rather than, you know, you simply looking at her and thinking "equal." That dynamic affords you certain pleasures and a degree of power—being able to see around corners that she can't see around, to say nothing of being able to hold down a job—but it seems you're discovering its shortcomings.

 

Perhaps, when you met her, you weren't actually interested in dating an equal than in dating someone you could treat as an equal. Perhaps you liked young, cute, and malleable, but needed a larger story to justify those sorts of not-so-woke desires. Perhaps you saw in her a way of "succeeding" where your prior relationship "failed." (Yeah, I did some skimming.) Perhaps...

 

I don't know. I'm just an internet dude turning the prism, maybe in ways that help you see some new colors. But anyone who was genuinely interested in an equal, in someone who knew her weight was as dense and valuable as her partner's, would have stepped away at that two month mark, not in. Just like anyone who genuinely wants a partner in the business of life would step away from someone who has yet to figure out the basics of that business herself.

 

Stuff to think about, as I suspect you already are.