Is he just not into me after all?

[Honeycomb8]

Don't say obligated. A couple of guys have said that to me and it makes me roll my eyes and see them as very insecure people.

 

Either end it cos u mean it or don't, no point in testing a guy. Like come on -_-.

 

He already sees you as really insecure, you wanna maintain some level of dignity and pride right?

You are expressing anxiety. You express it by contacting him first all the time and saying things like what u did on the phone:

 

"I told him I wanted to ask about my text to him- and if somehow he was put off by me requesting that, because I just wanted to tell him how I felt."

 

No one with confidence would say that. Hell a confident person wouldn't have made that call to begin with.

[Jellybean9]

I've been dipping in and out of this thread.

 

I don't think I ever posted but it's been nice keeping up with it.

 

One thing is clear it's riddled with your anxiety towards this man and his actions.

 

I know you said Lex that you think he has no idea of your anxiety.

 

I do think the level in which you are exhibiting would be very hard to mask even in person.

 

The more you see someone the more you let your guard down. The more you see him the more your anxiety will seep through.

 

My opinion is he is fully aware of your anxiety. Let's face it we all get anxious from time to time. If he wanted to he would reassure you that everything is fine. His actions haven't done that for you which is why you are still in this situation basically a month on.

 

I don't know how you are doing this as it much be incredibly draining.

 

I know you said when you are with him your are happy. But real relationships you should be just as happy apart. He has no ever given that to you. I don't think he ever will. It's just who he is and you'll have to accept that.

 

I know many people have gone blue in the face trying to make you see all of this and so much more.

 

Hope for your sake you pull yourself out of this. It sounds incredibly damaging and a few moments of happiness when you see him doesn't see worth all the anxiety you have.

[Starlight925]

I don't think Lex has an inordinate amount of anxiety. I think the anxiety is because of all the uncertainty this guy brings to the table. Dancing around the issue of the dating sites, the non-declaration of exclusivity, keeping her effectively a secret, not reaching out to her on a daily basis, not even saying hi to her when he's in the same building.

 

The anxiety is, I believe, situational, and I bet it Lex was with a guy who called her every day, and made sure his world knew she was important to him, there would be no anxiety.

 

I've been there before, so I completely get it.

 

It seems, though, 38 pages and close to 400 responses later, Lex is going to ride this thing out.

 

Peace be with you, Lex, this will be 1000 responses with you still bemoaning the fact that he won't reach out first, he barely makes plans, but he's so into you and close when he's with you. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

I did it for 2 1/2 years with my guy like this, and it never materialized into anything further. This is what your guy wants: a casual, no-strings attached, fun girl who's waiting anxiously by the phone, who will provide just enough sex to satisfy. Bingo....Lex....he's won.

[boltnrun]

The guy I was dating brought me with him when he traveled, had me spending time with him and his family, went to my family holiday gatherings, met my kids...and when I finally mustered up the nerve to have "the talk" (8 months in!), he told me he wasn't feeling it! He said he "liked" me and that I was "convenient" (ouch), but he wasn't in love. And he DID call me and he did initiate, but his feelings were just not there. Same guy who told me I made it all too easy for him and that I'd never given him the chance to do any of the work.

 

So, yeah. He may or may not have stronger feelings for you, but spending weekends and one additional night doesn't necessarily mean it goes any deeper for him.

 

Only way to know for sure is to ask.

[MAXX]

The guy I was dating brought me with him when he traveled, had me spending time with him and his family, went to my family holiday gatherings, met my kids...and when I finally mustered up the nerve to have "the talk" (8 months in!), he told me he wasn't feeling it! He said he "liked" me and that I was "convenient" (ouch), but he wasn't in love. And he DID call me and he did initiate, but his feelings were just not there. Same guy who told me I made it all too easy for him and that I'd never given him the chance to do any of the work.

 

So, yeah. He may or may not have stronger feelings for you, but spending weekends and one additional night doesn't necessarily mean it goes any deeper for him.

 

Only way to know for sure is to ask.

 

Scenarios as yours and what is happening here are fixable. He gave you the answer, just as in this case it is as plain as day.

 

If his behaviour the last week is truly the way Lex said it is then I don't recommend having "the talk". She will either get an excuse from him saying all is well, or he may very well end it.

 

She can go meet up this weekend and try and enjoy it and hope her anxiety doesn't come through as people can sense change, just like Lex is sensing a change in pattern from him where he did not initiate a simple hello while at her office, and she can feel him somewhat more distant than previously as he is not enthusiastic to see her. This can be her own insucrity coming through, but it may not be.

 

My advice is either try and enjoy the weekend with him, but then take 2 steps back from him until he decides to reach out, and at that point she reverses the role by being vague and aloof, or she cancels on him this weekend with an excuse and begins to pull back now.

 

Either option would be about of character for her and will make him wonder what is going on. This will bother him and he will reach out where Lex can begin to take charge of the situation. If he doesn't "chase" and doesn't follow up well then she will have her answer. In the dating game words aren't always needed

[Wiseman2]

Enjoy your weekend. In his mind and words and actions you two are dating for a couple of months. At this point there is almost no past and too soon for future promises, so he is dating you in a reliable, predictable fashion for now. What type of reassurances do you want from him?

 

You both enjoy getting together on your child free weekends. You have both created the rhythm and pattern of this. He has been clear that he is not a texter. He is not ambiguous or stringing you along. He is not making any promises past the weekend get togethers.

I know him- he will text Saturday when he’s off work to tell me he’s leaving and will be on his way. I love the feeling I have when I’m with him, but things have changed in me this past week since I’ve opened up via text and phone call with very little reassurance.

[Batya33]

Enjoy your weekend. In his mind and words and actions you two are dating for a couple of months. At this point there is almost no past and too soon for future promises, so he is dating you in a reliable, predictable fashion for now. What type of reassurances do you want from him?

 

You both enjoy getting together on your child free weekends. You have both created the rhythm and pattern of this. He has been clear that he is not a texter. He is not ambiguous or stringing you along. He is not making any promises past the weekend get togethers.

 

He dismissed her feelings when she said she wants more contact between dates. He doesn't have to text. He can call her or come see her when he is in her office building (if that is appropriate). He is not being ambiguous -he did tell her he doesn't care about her feelings on the matter but he did so in a rude way. He is clearly not as into her as she is to him (or was, not sure if she's going to throw in the towel).

[j.man]

He dismissed her feelings when she said she wants more contact between dates. He doesn't have to text. He can call her or come see her when he is in her office building (if that is appropriate). He is not being ambiguous -he did tell her he doesn't care about her feelings on the matter but he did so in a rude way. He is clearly not as into her as she is to him (or was, not sure if she's going to throw in the towel).

Last woman I dated, I wasn't texting and calling her in between the dates for any other reason than to arrange the next. I ended up marrying her. Personally, while I do think the OP is exceptionally insecure and I'm doubting her assertion that it hasn't noticeably spilled into their dynamic, I don't think it's at all unreasonable if someone does want that more active line of communication in the early stages of dating. Where I think people are wrong is in their own projecting and qualifying this dude as someone uninterested or complacent despite him doing things like being the one to actually arrange dates, taking off work early to meet her for dinner on weekdays, and making three hour round trips on his weekends to see her. After what, all of three months? And people expect him to be popping into her workplace at this point? I guess some have looser professional boundaries than others, which again is fine for those it works for, but I'd try to respect those who don't.

 

I also didn't see him dismiss her feelings. It's been quite clear since day one that the guy isn't a particular fan of texting. Still, by her admission, he's actively entertained her pretty much whenever she's wanted to reach out to call or text. She admits he does still send her good morning texts and the likes, even if more occasionally. That's despite all her raising topics of conversation that don't belong over text to begin with, both directly and indirectly through anecdotes about friends or whatever which I think are probably a lot less clever and a lot more transparent than she thinks are. I mean, what was the conversation she had the one time? Something like her insecurely expressing concern her texts are too much for him... only to immediately follow up with how she wishes they could communicate more? It's as cringy as it is perplexing, and while I can't say I necessarily excuse it, I can fully understand simply not knowing how to answer. At some point, yeah, you throw up your hands and it's pretty much "take it or leave it, sister." I didn't see him tell her it was dumb to want to talk or text more. I saw him rightfully not feeling compelled to defend the level and mode of communication between dates which he is comfortable with. And, honestly, he shouldn't. Certainly not during this infancy.

 

I mean, if OP wants to be the lady giving directions to the guys moving the 350 pound sofa bed out of the apartment only to complain about her having to do that much, that's her prerogative. For all his effort to arrange dates and meet her, her complementing effort seems to be communicating between dates at her discretion. Again, I haven't seen him call her out on it despite it quite evidently not being his utmost preference. Personally, I can't see the slight there, but if she needs something, she needs it, and should stop wasting time and energy picking at it as some sort of flaw or unsubstantiated sign of a lack of interest and find a guy who better fits her bill.

 

Personally, I'm even kicking myself a bit for participating in a 40-page thread involving one of the healthier dating situations I've seen on these forums (at least for his part, from what's been shared).

[katrina1980]

I don't t think it's either healthy or unhealthy.

 

It just "is" -- as I said earlier, he needs and is comfortable with a certain distance (obviously) and she needs more togetherness, more communication, more interaction. Obviously.

 

There is no right or wrong, they are just different and neither seems to want to compromise what they're each comfortable with (and need) to make this more workable.

 

Not that they should, these early stages are for observing if someone is right for us long term. Clearly, Lex and this man are not.

 

That's all this is, they're incompatible, and I don't understsnd why Lex keeps hanging in hoping he'll miraculously wake up one morn morphed into the man she needs him to be.

 

Not gonna happen!

 

Lex, I am wondering if you've developed a bit of an addiction to him, you seem powerless to want to help yourself, by walking away and lookimg for a man who is a better fit "for you." SMH

[katrina1980]

I am also not so sure this man senses her anxiety and insecurity.

 

Lex said she's careful to hide it and I tend to believe her -- I know for me I'm an expert at hiding my high anxiety, sometimes too much, to the point he doesn't think I care at all, and will question me about it!

 

I don't think this is uncommon either, that's why I said things aren't always what they appear to be (on the outside).

 

People put on facades, hiding who they are, how they feel, it's a mode of self-protection if they fear vulnerability and feeling too exposed.

 

In fact, Lex's guy could be very into her, but if he's unable to show her in the way that "she" needs, then what's the point?

[boltnrun]

Katrina, I agree 100%.

 

She herself said she is "hoping for change".

 

Lex, what are you basing this hope on? Something concrete or just something you've invented in your own head to try to convince yourself to hang in there?

 

I can pretty much predict he will not suddenly start texting daily or dropping in at your workplace to say hello. Even if you pull back. If you pull back he could view it as "great, she finally gets me!". Not, "Gee, she stopped calling and texting. I had better step it up or I'll lose her". And that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't "into" you. It just means he's doing him.

 

As Katrina said, if that's not meeting your needs you would do well to realize this and stop banging your head against a brick wall or being anxious and nervous and just stop dating him.

 

I can also pretty much guarantee if you do choose to stop dating him and you end up meeting the right man for you, you'll wonder why you put yourself through all of this.

[Lex00]

Enjoy your weekend. In his mind and words and actions you two are dating for a couple of months. At this point there is almost no past and too soon for future promises, so he is dating you in a reliable, predictable fashion for now. What type of reassurances do you want from him?

 

You both enjoy getting together on your child free weekends. You have both created the rhythm and pattern of this. He has been clear that he is not a texter. He is not ambiguous or stringing you along. He is not making any promises past the weekend get togethers.

 

Great point. There seems to be this “rule” that 2-3 months of dating is not too early to move forward and expect more in a relationship. Yet, I’m also hearing it’s way too soon, and talking about feelings is a no no and could very well scare someone off. It depends on the person. He is just going with the rhythm, as you mentioned- perfect description. He’s just doing what we’ve been doing without thinking twice.

 

I’m just a little broken that he has lost interest though, we had a very strong connection in the beginning so I thought there would be a chance it would turn into something. I recall a month ago, I was reviving texts every day or two from him. Sweet texts. “Good morning beautiful, I can’t wait to see you.” They put a smile on my face. Now the ones I receive, if any, sound like he’s texting his buddies.

 

Katrina, you’re right that I hide my anxiety very well. I honestly do not think it seeps out and he senses anything. I doubt that has anything to do with him being turned off. He has simply gotten comfortable, lazy, no longer insterested, met someone else, all or a combo...

 

Neither one has texted or called since his generic good morning, hope you have a great day text a couple of days ago. And I do not plan on doing it. Will see how tomorrow goes if he comes through. Like I said, he has never canceled. Not once has he said he will spend time with me and flaked. So I’m just assuming I’ll hear from him tomorrow when he’s off work. And we will end up seeing each other but the vibe will certainly be different. I feel like the whole night I’ll be interacting with my own thoughts instead of interacting with him. He may sense that and just be done- not like he isn’t already fading but this may speed it up. Then when he leaves Sunday, I will assume that will be the last time I see him and just leave him alone. Or I very well may get that last minute text cancelling for the first time. Either way, I will do what you all been telling me to do from the get go and just back off.

[katrina1980]

Given how you feel, I don't get why you're bothering going on the date at all.

 

What are you hoping your indifference will accomplish?

 

Are you hoping he notices and questions you about it, eliciting a conversation about his feelings?

 

i can't think of why else you would go, it's manipulative..

 

If you're not into it Lex, which it doesn't sound like you are, then you cancel, don't play that game.

[j.man]

Well that's certainly one way to fulfill your own prophecy. Not that it wasn't apparent a good 37 pages ago.

[Lex00]

Given how you feel, I don't get why you're bothering going on the date at all.

 

What are you hoping your indifference will accomplish?

 

Are you hoping he notices and questions you about it, eliciting a conversation about his feelings?

 

i can't think of why else you would go, it's manipulative..

 

If you're not into it Lex, which it doesn't sound like you are, then you cancel, don't play that game.

 

I’m not saying I will act different on purpose in hopes he would bring it up. I’m only saying that I know I will be feeling a different vibe which may or may not show. I already know there will be no reaction so I’m not playing games to get one. And I’m going through with it because we have it planned. I haven’t heard from him so I don’t see the point in me reaching out of him just yet to tell him I want to cancel. He may very well have it set that he will cancel or just not mention anything at all so I will just leave it for now.

[MAXX]

I’m not saying I will act different on purpose in hopes he would bring it up. I’m only saying that I know I will be feeling a different vibe which may or may not show. I already know there will be no reaction so I’m not playing games to get one. And I’m going through with it because we have it planned. I haven’t heard from him so I don’t see the point in me reaching out of him just yet to tell him I want to cancel. He may very well have it set that he will cancel or just not mention anything at all so I will just leave it for now.

 

From what you wrote, and from his recent actions, the way I see it is if you do meet up and he doesn't cancel there will be an elephant in the room and the weekend can potentially become awkward. At that point he may instigate a discussion, or you can bring it up and get it out in the open. Considering the fact that you have already done this would be somewhat pointless as he already gave you a response. I don't see an issue with you cancelling to take time and think about everything instead of putting yourself in a situation that can potentially make things worse. JMO

[Batya33]

Great point. There seems to be this “rule” that 2-3 months of dating is not too early to move forward and expect more in a relationship. Yet, I’m also hearing it’s way too soon, and talking about feelings is a no no and could very well scare someone off. It depends on the person. He is just going with the rhythm, as you mentioned- perfect description. He’s just doing what we’ve been doing without thinking twice.

 

I’m just a little broken that he has lost interest though, we had a very strong connection in the beginning so I thought there would be a chance it would turn into something. I recall a month ago, I was reviving texts every day or two from him. Sweet texts. “Good morning beautiful, I can’t wait to see you.” They put a smile on my face. Now the ones I receive, if any, sound like he’s texting his buddies.

 

Katrina, you’re right that I hide my anxiety very well. I honestly do not think it seeps out and he senses anything. I doubt that has anything to do with him being turned off. He has simply gotten comfortable, lazy, no longer insterested, met someone else, all or a combo...

 

Neither one has texted or called since his generic good morning, hope you have a great day text a couple of days ago. And I do not plan on doing it. Will see how tomorrow goes if he comes through. Like I said, he has never canceled. Not once has he said he will spend time with me and flaked. So I’m just assuming I’ll hear from him tomorrow when he’s off work. And we will end up seeing each other but the vibe will certainly be different. I feel like the whole night I’ll be interacting with my own thoughts instead of interacting with him. He may sense that and just be done- not like he isn’t already fading but this may speed it up. Then when he leaves Sunday, I will assume that will be the last time I see him and just leave him alone. Or I very well may get that last minute text cancelling for the first time. Either way, I will do what you all been telling me to do from the get go and just back off.

 

A few things. I don't think the issue here is too soon. I think the issue is you read into signs when you barely knew him that he was serious about you without watching his actions- and without discussing your relationship goals with him generally so that he knew where you stood. Because you were willing to settle for whatever he was offering and justify it with "he "seems" so into me". You knew he was still active on dating sites and said nothing for quite awhile and continued having sex with him. That showed him through your actions that you were ok with casual sex. But, you're not. For me, especially if the people dating are adults - 2-3 months is more than sufficient to know whether you're going to be exclusive and whether there might be serious potential. By talking about it, not assuming. It might be too soon to get engaged.

 

Strong connections are great especially in the beginning. And if you feel that strongly about each other then you talk about future intentions. Not in an overly dramatic gushy way -just simple and direct and concrete "what are your intentions about us" -if that scares the person away, the connection obviously is not strong as far as future potential. Or -in the first few dates have a discussion about general goals - career, geography, relationships.

 

Do you always wonder if your Saturday plans are still on or just this week? If the former then I wouldn't be dating him, period -if things are that tentative/shaky, what's the point?

[katrina1980]

Agree Bayta, what's the point? Of all of it really. It's been a month of this, isn't this getting old for you Lex? I mean seriously, aren't you just tired of it?

 

I mean you wrote this a month ago!

 

I feel like he’s already fading anyway. As of last Sunday, we have plans for tomorrow (Saturday). Well he has not even mentioned anything to me. I don’t know if we are still on, and if we are, if we’re meeting somewhere, what time, etc. Since it’s pretty much been me texting first, I don’t want to even reach out to ask if we are still on, yet, I just wish I knew. Perhaps he’s hoping it would just pass and he won’t have to see me tomorrow. He’s also going to be in my office this morning and hasn’t even reached out.

 

I take back what I posted earlier that it's not healthy or unhealthy.

 

Lex, imo you have developed a very unhealthy attachment to this man, a man you know is not right for you, may be right for another woman, but not you and that is OK.

 

But instead of accepting that and moving on to find a man who is a better fit, you hang in, again hoping miraculously he will wake up and be different.

 

He won't!!

 

Why do you do this yourself? I am so not understanding. You sound like an addict needing her "fix" (him), he is your "drug" of choice.

 

I cannot think of any other reason why you put yourself through this when there are so many other men who could be better/right for you.

 

Not saying he's a bad guy at all, just not right for you, and again that is OK.

 

Edit: Can you explain why you put yourself through this, Lex? I would seriously like to understand.

[BecxyRex]

Wow what a train wreck! So he's driving all the way to see you tomorrow, even leaving work early, so he can spend more time. And you've already decided that this date will be bad, that he's lost interest, etc etc etc.

He'll most likely sense that something is off, because you feel so betrayed by his behavior. I actually think it's pretty rude to have him waste his weekend on this. It's going to be uncomfortable for both of you. I'm sure the dude's got better things to do with his child-free time than waste it on someone who's projecting all these negative motivations onto him and has already decided to have a sh**** time. Sorry, but do yourself and him a favor and cancel, so he still has some time to plan something for himself.

[reinventmyself]

For every decent thing this guy has done, she's pointed out the negative.

And if there wasn't one to point out, she'll make one up.

The guy doesn't stand a chance.

 

I am not saying this is the right guy for her. I think they are both going about it the wrong way.

So, either step up . . you both put your cards on table or cut the whole thing loose.

[Wiseman2]

How is your relationship with your ex husband? Is the co-parenting ok? How long have you been divorced? Have you dated much since then? Have you healed or processed it or is there still hurt or resentment? Did he cheat on you? Where did all the doubt and insecurity come from? How do you feel about your level of attractiveness? Is this really about a guy you are seeing 10 weeks or other issues?

We are both divorced, have children. This is the first guy I’ve really liked in years and I’ve fallen for him.

[reinventmyself]

I dated a guy for about 6 months. I would stay the night on Saturday, he'd cook me breakfast the next morning and I'd go home. Much like this guy I didnt hear from him much. Maybe a midweek hello. At some point I spoke up about it. I shared with him what I was looking for and what I needed.

 

From there he stepped up to a mid week date. But it wasn't of his choosing.

 

I never doubted his feelings for me but the exchange left me feeling flat and un fulfilled. I realized it wasn't ever going to materialize into something that met my needs,so I ended it.

 

He was kind and generous but I also recognized the limits that were put on the relationship. He was never going to be the man I needed.

[katrina1980]

Hey reinvent, remember the doctor I dated prior to my current? And how non-emotional and cerebral he was?

 

I think it was Batya who asked me why had I not spoken to him about it, and my thought process was same as yours.

 

Because he is who he is, and it's up to me to decide whether it's something I could live and be happy with.

 

It was not, so like you, I ended it.

 

That is why I am not a huge advocate of talking to a man about what you need; just me but I wouldn't want him changing himself to suit me or make me happy; any change made needs to come from his heart, from within himself, on his own, otherwise it defeats the purpose.

 

I know opinions are mixed on this, and that's okay.

 

I only do what's right for me, what works for me, as we all should.

[Batya33]

Hey reinvent, remember the doctor I dated prior to my current? And how non-emotional and cerebral he was?

 

I think it was Batya who asked me why had I not spoken to him about it, and my thought process was same as yours.

 

Because he is who he is, and it's up to me to decide whether it's something I could live and be happy with.

 

It was not, so like you, I ended it.

 

That is why I am not a huge advocate of talking to a man about what you need; just me but I wouldn't want him changing himself to suit me or make me happy; any change made needs to come from his heart, from within himself, on his own, otherwise it defeats the purpose.

 

In this situation I agree-and she has spoken to him and his reaction was to continue the status quo.

[katrina1980]

In this situation I agree-and she has spoken to him and his reaction was to continue the status quo.

 

Yeah my whole attitude changed after he chose to ignore her text. I just think that's pretty sucky and disrespectful, as I said if he didn't want to discuss over text, then the least he could have done, was respond back telling her they would discuss next time they get together.

 

Not just ignore her, which again was so rude and disrespectful; just me but I would have been done after that. Very telling of things to come and how he handles conflict and the tough questions. Just ignore and hope it goes away, ugh. No thanks.

 

And I think Lex sent him a very bad message by calling him after that too. Almost rewarding him for disrespectful behavior, not quite sure what she was thinking there, except she needed her "fix" and she got it! Temporarily anyway.