Is he just not into me after all?

[katrina1980]

Of course someone else can be in the picture -he's just not having intercourse with that person (yet). And he might be doing that for health reasons. I multidated without having sex.

 

I agree with this -- his phrasing "you're the only one I'm with" is quite ambiguous and elusive and can have a few different meanings.

 

Course you're choosing the meaning that makes you feel most secure and comfortable with moving forward "as is," and he knows that which is precisely why he chose those particular words instead of words that have a more definitive meaning.

 

No doubt, he's used those same words in prior RLs and it's worked well to essentially shut a woman up (sorry for the crudeness), so continues to use.

 

I dunno, I don't have a good feeling about him based on all that's been written, don't trust him, he sounds shifty (gut feeling), knows just what to say and when to say it, but again your call Lex.

[Batya33]

Duly noted, Katrina. And this all makes perfect sense as you’ve stated earlier but I’ve been so stubborn not to take this suggestion.

 

I think I was just trying to give it more time, so things can be more clear. I was waiting to see how things unfold- after more time together- after me mustering up the courage to talk to him about it. Like this upcoming weekend for example- we will be face to face for the first time after our conversation last night. Perhaps I’ll learn even more? Maybe not, or maybe he will be very different and distant, I have no clue. But I guess I’m just hopeful something could change. And maybe after the weekend, I’ll have more clarity and answers that would help push me to just go on my merry way.

 

Just be careful about it getting too close to the holidays and feeling tempted to make excuses to stick around.

[katrina1980]

Lex, just my experience, but men don't respond to "talking" (about feelings, emotions, needs, the RL), they respond to "no contact." Or less contact.

 

When you pull back and start doing your own thing, becoming more independent, NOT texting, NOT chasing, not being so attached to the outcome, they notice!!

 

It's intrigues them, it heightens their attraction, it motivates them to want to "work" for you a bit, it inspires them to want to do things differently!!

 

Just something to consider should you choose to move forward.

[katrina1980]

LOL @ Batya, yeah if a guy ignored me after I just opened up sharing something that was important to me, making myself vulnerable, telling me "well I'm a guy, so" I think I might laugh in his face, or at least silently, roll my eyes, politely excuse myself and leave (or hang up).

 

Like I said, biggest bunch of bs I've heard in quite a while.

[Wiseman2]

Do you still feel he's "secretive"?

He told me a couple of weeks ago that he told his coworker we “talk and have gone out a few times.” I doubt he’s even told any of his friends and families. But two months in, can some people still be secretive until they finally feel comfortable knowing it will go somewhere?

[reinventmyself]

`You are the only one I am having sex with' isn't very comforting. At least not in this scenario. It begs the question `So, are you dating anyone else?'

 

Verbal semantics.

 

I could be wrong. The entire context can be easily lost in a written form.

 

Bottom line, this doesn't seem to have any progression. It's stagnate and not moving forward. He seems ok with that. You don't. Again, an impasse.

 

Time will tell. See how things are this weekend, but no matter how nice this guy is (in person) you won't ever be comfortable with something or someone who keeps pumping the brakes. It will require you to continually work on not becoming attached. Personally, I don't know how to do that. Certainly not while being sexual with someone.

[boltnrun]

You are "hoping for change"?

 

Uh oh.

 

Dating someone in the hopes they'll "change" is almost always an exercise in futility. What if he hopes you'll "change" and stop asking him to text you between dates? Would you be willing? Would that be fair?

[katrina1980]

You are "hoping for change"?

 

Uh oh.

 

Dating someone in the hopes they'll "change" is almost always an exercise in futility. What if he hopes you'll "change" and stop asking him to text you between dates? Would you be willing? Would that be fair?

 

The irony is that IF she did choose to stop texting him in between dates, and pulled back in general, it could very well prompt change in him.

 

In fact I believe their entire dynamic would be different if Lex herself had been different from the beginning, i.e. not chased, not allowed her anxiety to drive the ship which compelled her to essentially chase him.

 

I hate to say it but, Lex but you have set up this entire scenario which has allowed him to become complacent and lazy, which some men are prone to do when not inspired, not challenged.

 

With another woman, who was more independent, less anxious, less attached to the outcome and did not chase, his behavior might be completely different, with him feeling more motivated, more inspired, resulting in him being the one chasing or pursuing her. Texting her, wanting to see her often, wanting to spend more time with her.

[Honeycomb8]

More excuses will not lead you to your desired outcome.

Sigh, this isn't going anywhere and you're the one chasing him. He knows he doesn't need to do anything and can ignore you and you'll still contact him. I still stand behind my comment about him dating you because you'll do for now. It's highly likely he's dating someone else as well based on his behaviour and how he worded that having sex comment. Good luck I guess. :/

[katrina1980]

Agree with HC except I don't think his mindset is she'll do "for now," I think she's one of a few, part of a rotation he's established for himself.

 

It seems her place in the rotation is once every other week. He's making a concerted effort to not allow it to progress from this point.

 

In the meantime, he does the bare minimum, throwing in some flowery language when necessary to keep her on the hook, part of the rotation he's got going for himself.

 

She may be the only one he's having sex with, hard to say. With men like him, I wouldn't put it past him to lie in order to maintain the status quo.

 

Yes this is a cynical attitude, but as I said, from what's been posted, I don't trust him and think he sounds shifty/shady, something is not quite jiving with this guy, imo.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure he's dating anyone else since he has kids/busy but she is Ms. Right for Now and not a potential Ms. Right.

[katrina1980]

I forget if Lex posted that he had deleted or hid his profile on the dating site they met on.

 

The last post I read from her re that was he was still active and logging in; he even logged in while on a date with her (the ultimate insult), she found out by checking his location.

 

Anyway, if he's still active, can almost guarantee you're not the only woman he's dating Lex, kids or no kids.

 

I know a man who has fully custody of his kids and he's one of the biggest "players" (sorry multi-daters) I know, he's got about 3 women in his rotation last I heard.

[Wiseman2]

It seems as though what you see is what you get with him. He appears to enjoy the status quo and the arrangement you have now as it stands. Dating when you are both available. You seem to be hoping it progresses into a relationship, where he seems to be comfortable with the way things are.

 

He has already told you several times he doesn't like texting or communicating between dates. This helps him keep it in the dating arena and he's careful not to let it slip into the relationship zone. This includes not meeting any family, friends and his reference about you "went out a few times" to his coworker... and then of course making sure you knew about that.

 

He's a read between the lines kind of guy. He's nice to you when you are together and at the same time he's letting you know indirectly that this will stay at "dating" and go no further. It may just be how he rolls and nothing about you per se and nothing you can do about it.

-said “I know, I’m so sorry, and I know how important that is, I totally get it it’s just... I don’t know, I’m a guy.”

-he seemed hesitant to even bring up hanging out next weekend.

-he said when he was married, he was just going to take off for a few months to go unwind on a fishing trip? And the only thing that kept him from going is because his wife at the time found out they were expecting.

[Batya33]

I forget if Lex posted that he had deleted or hid his profile on the dating site they met on.

 

The last post I read from her re that was he was still active and logging in; he even logged in while on a date with her (the ultimate insult), she found out by checking his location.

 

Anyway, if he's still active, can almost guarantee you're not the only woman he's dating Lex, kids or no kids.

 

I know a man who has fully custody of his kids and he's one of the biggest "players" (sorry multi-daters) I know, he's got about 3 women in his rotation last I heard.

 

Yes, he likely is shopping around for other women. My sense is that right now he might not be dating someone else.

[MAXX]

As I'm a former dog, let me give it to you straight...

 

He may have been into you a lot more in the beginning but you are not a challenge for him. He remains on dating sites because he's not completely sold on you yet and is keeping his options open.

 

You want to chance at this you can confront him and talk about your feelings but as you saw it did very little to change him, so now you need actions that are louder then your words...

 

Ghost him!

 

If and when he decides to reach out to you keep your responses short and brief and do not engage. Not cold, not warm, just indifferent.

 

I dated a girl last year that I was on the fence about, and while on a weekend trip with the guys she became silent. I messaged her and she was short and brief with me...guess what happened. My psychology changed. I wanted to know what was up and I was the one who began to engage more. After a week of this we finally met up. I was direct and asked why her attitude changed, she wanted more and wanted more from me. I gave her what she wanted but it ultimately failed because of of her insecurities...sound familiar?

 

Stop engaging him

[katrina1980]

^^Wow MAXX that's pretty much what I advised too in my posts 303 and 308.

 

But now we're hearing it straight from the 'horse's mouth.'

 

I dunno though, it's all such a damn game.

 

Maybe just best to call this one a day and move on.

[MAXX]

^^Wow MAXX that's pretty much what I advised too in my posts 303 and 308.

 

But now we're hearing it straight from the 'horse's mouth.'

 

I dunno though, it's all such a damn game.

 

Maybe just best to call this one a day and move on.

 

I've read almost every post in this thread to help me with my own situation, but what caught my eye was many of your post. I like what you had to say, and agree with much of it. Is all "hope" completely lost for Lex??? Maybe...Maybe not.

 

Lex you want your power back, start by asking yourself what is it ultimately that you want from your partner. I would think the first thing would be no fking bullst!!! This guy is only giving you part of the equation, but part of it is missing. Considering the situation that you live far apart he should be saying good morning, and good night everyday, or at the very least a message, ANY message. Nobody is ever that busy to communicate with the girl they are dating. I never heard of someone being introverted towards their partner, that's just a fking excuse.

 

GET YOUR POWER BACK!!! You're BETTER then this! YOU deserve better, because you command it, and HE needs to want it! If he doesn't want it bad enough, someone else will!

[bluecastle]

I agree—with Maxx, with Katrina—that the only way you'd have even a shot at seeing if this guy can offer what you want is to disengage. If he had the sense that you're tough to pin down, that you've got plenty of other things distracting you from him, that you're fierce and confident and independent and secure regardless of what happens...well, who knows?

 

Thing is, I don't think that's you, Lex, not right now, not with him. I don't think you're capable of disengaging in a way that is authentic. And that's okay. That's your nature, and while I think there are some deep insecurities you need to deal with I don't think that means becoming some ice queen you're not. Me, I can disengage from people I care about, am hung up about, confused about, longing for—I'm doing just that in my life as I type this. That's my own nature, with plenty of pluses and minuses. But it is authentic.

 

I bite my tongue on this thread a lot, because it has so many echos of my last relationship. At probably this exact stage I'd used the same line: "I'm not sleeping with anyone else."

 

So, from another horse's mouth...

 

I was being 100 percent honest; there was no secret rotation. But was I taking the whole thing as seriously as her? No. Were my feelings as strong as hers? Hardly. Did I know this? Of course. Was I nebulously open to something else entering my orbit? Likely. Was I aware that she sensed this, on some primal frequency, and spent her days worrying about when I'd vanish? For sure. Cool as she tried to be, her anxiety was palpable.

 

The whole thing was already a quiet mess at that point, a quiet mess we rode out for years—it was the elephant in the room at all times. See, she was cool, fun to hang with, and the sex was some of the best of my life. Added bonus: she was always there, always texting, a dervish of insecurity channeled into so much infatuation that I could do the smallest thing—cook dinner, buy her a drink, offer an insightful comment about her life—and she'd momentarily drift off to the moon as my ego was sated. With next to zero effort I got a lot, at my convenience, my pace.

 

I had so much power from day one that my main complaint, by day 60, was her lack of power. And that's the catch-22, because even that complaint is a reinforcement of the power dynamic. I can conjure up an alternative reality where, early on, she stood up for herself a bit more, stopped bending to accommodate me, made me realize I may lose her if I didn't step up, because that's generally the type of woman I'm drawn to, who can hold my interest. And in the hopeful version of that reality our dynamic is tweaked and we go on to have an awesome time, calm and sexy and equal.

 

Then again, I can equally conjure up a reality where she stood up and I went on to find someone else who allowed me to be more complacent, because that's just sort of where I was at the time. Heck, I'd dated more independent women right before her, women more in touch with their needs, more assertive in their boundaries, more like the women I've gotten into longterm relationships with. They were cool too, and the sex was really great, but they saw me for what I was, and where I was, and bowed out without judgement after 1-3 weeks.

 

In other words, subconsciously I was looking for someone who would put up with my bs so I could avoid looking at it myself. I'm not proud to write that sentence, but it's true, and I credit that relationship with triggering a major and ongoing self-excavation of my bs. But, to the point, I think that's kind of where this dude is right now, into his bs and having it accepted, what the "I'm a guy" comment represents.

 

We can get cynical. We can call him (or me) a player, an oaf, a dog. But to do that, to some degree, makes Lex the victim—a disempowered position. Lex, you're in this too. You have all the power and agency to change it, but to exert that power you need to care more about what you want than what's driving this guy.

[Lex00]

Thank you Maxx. I know you’re right. And I’ve done more than my share, really tried and so far, nothing has happened. Regressed, in fact. I do know he will likely be around my place of work today as he usually comes the middle of the week. And he has not said anything. I haven’t heard anything since our phone conversation Monday evening. So I will just retreat, say nothing, see if closer to the weekend he reaches out about our date and go from there. I know if he does pull through and come by Saturday, I won’t be the same. I’ll be thinking of all of this and I’m sure he may pick up that I’m acting different. Then after he leaves, I will just leave him alone from then on.

 

And just to clairify about the dating site- I talked to him about it probably a month or so ago and asked if he was still looking, etc. he responded with no and told me he had just deleted it. Of course, no way of knowing the truth but I didn’t ask him to delete it. He just told me “thank you, I’m glad you brought it up. I just deleted it.”

 

I think maybe the thing he opened up to me about, with regards to his family, then the past weekend where there was thanksgiving, another big family event, 5 or so birthdays next month he mentioned, including his daughter’s, Christmas... maybe overwhelming and he just doesn’t want me to be around. Again, it’s because the interest just isn’t there so I would contribute nothing to his life at this point. Hard pill to swallow, but I’ve retreated before and guys have come back around. I don’t know about this one though, he’s more extreme.

[Batya33]

"thanksgiving, another big family event, 5 or so birthdays next month he mentioned, including his daughter’s, Christmas... maybe overwhelming and he just doesn’t want me to be around. "

 

If that is enough to keep him away from you -or even create any distance - then he's not worth your time. Especially since you're grasping at straws. Sure, if he'd said to you "the next month or so is going to be hectic with family stuff so I may not have as much time with you as I would like - sorry and we will make it up big time ASAP".

[figureitout23]

I’m going to come in once again as the a**hole and point out that if your relationship is based on who has the ‘power’ it’s a lost cause.

 

If I have to pick at your insecurities to get you to realize you love me, I’m just wasting my time until you lose interest again.

[reinventmyself]

Personally, I wouldn't be keeping my weekends open for him.

I don't know about you, but my free time is valuable. I treat it as such.

Besides it's like pulling teeth to get him to make a plan with you.

 

I'd surprise him by not only not reaching out, but informing him of my alternative plans for the weekend.

He's putting his needs first, it's about time you do too. He might think twice the following weekend.

 

He just takes if for granted that you'll be eager and available. And you've taught him this to be true.

[katrina1980]

Personally, I wouldn't be keeping my weekends open for him.

Seeing it's like pulling teeth to get him to make a plan with you.

 

I'd surprise him by not only not reaching out, but informing him of my alternative plans for the weekend.

He's putting his needs first, it's about time you do too.

 

He just takes if for granted that you'll be eager and available. And you've taught him this to be true.

 

OMG reinvent I just logged on and was about to post the same thing! Beat me to it.

 

I was gonna say, "Lex, instead of getting together and acting cool and indifferent, how about just cancelling the date altogether? Not as a game; frankly given what has transpired this week, I just wouldn't be into it."

 

@figureitout, you're not an a-hole for posting what you did. :)

[j.man]

What a mentally exhausting thread.

 

Lex, let m ask you. Who does the bulk of the driving? Who's the one initiating most the dates? Who's paying? Forgive me if my assumption is off, but when it comes to aspect of the relationship that's actually tangible, it seems it's him putting himself out there. You passively lament he hasn't brought up a date plan only for, boom, plans to having ended up being made later that same evening. If for your part and for your own needs, you're reaching out to have that between-date conversation, why is it "wrong" if that's simply where you're the one who takes initiative? It'd be one thing if you were hitting him up for dates, heading his way, and just wanting a thoughtful SMS once in awhile. But it's not. This isn't an issue of you not being a challenge or needing to pull back for a different result. You stop texting, great! I can near guarantee it just means he keeps making plans with you and leaving it at that. If that's your goal, then go for it. It's not, though.

 

It's been obvious from Page 1 that this guy isn't a texter and likely is the type to dissociate when not physically present with someone. You quite obviously are the opposite. Even despite him not being a big communicator between dates, it seems he's interested enough to still interact between dates. I'd call that something, but if it's not enough for you, it's not enough. Neither of you are wrong, and that's why you've got to account for the reality as an incompatibility rather than right or wrong. You start thinking someone's "wrong" and it inherently lends itself to you asking him multiple times or waiting for him to change because, in your mind, that's what he should do.

 

The issue with this dating dynamic is that you two aren't far enough apart to be "long distance," but enough so that doesn't really lend to tangible progression. As mentioned, I think even by yourself, between work schedules, distance, kids, responsibilities, etc., the time is quite limited and you're gonna be stuck in once a weekend and bonus weekday dinner limbo essentially until one of you moves or you two would ever decide to start cohabitating. Speaking personally, I'd have no problem with that, especially for someone I'd just started dating. In fact, more or less devoting weekends would be generous for my part. My weekends are valuable real estate I devote what's tried and true to before I start incorporating someone I've hardly gotten to know into them. That's not to say this dynamic can't and doesn't work, but that, again, this isn't you, not with this guy. And that's fine. At the end of the day, it's looking like you're gonna need someone who's more eager to interact between dates and who's close enough to where you can make better progress in terms of sheer physical presence in each other's life.

 

As for the whole "secret" bit, you've been dating what, two months? A bit longer? I know that's a good deal shorter than when I start making introductions. I wasn't aware it was a big red flag to some.

[katrina1980]

j.man, great post and I thought exactly as you pretty much throughout this thread until Monday night when Lex texted him and let him know, in a calm, respectful, non-accusatory manner, that she'd like a bit more communication/interaction in between dates.

 

His response? To ignore her text, ignore her. I'm wondering if you may have missed that.

 

My attitude switched after that, because to me that is telling, and not in a good way.

 

Lex called him the following night to further discuss, apparently he chalked him ignoring her up to him being a "guy." Lame excuse IMO, and quite disrespectful.

 

Anyway, they had a nice chat, but nothing since and no plans for the weekend.

 

But other than that, I do agree there is really no wrong or right; this is more about different natures and incompatibility as I've been posting until the incident Monday night.