Is he just not into me after all?

[Lex00]

Nevermind, onwards and upwards Lex!

 

Just a word of advice: next time slow down on the sex and never reward bad behaviour with more affection. I wouldn't have had sex with him in the weekend after how he acted. Soooo try not to do that again.

 

I totally get that. But for what it’s worth, I am still attracted to him and wanted it too. So it didn’t cross my mind to refrain from it.

[katrina1980]

We’ve only spent about 3 Fridays together, because he needs that one night to unwind and “recharge” as he puts it, after his long work week and time with the kids.

 

I really wish I can just call him out on it and tell him how I feel. It will get me no where, I know this...

 

Lex, in this case, your silence will say more than any words ever could.

[Batya33]

I totally get that. But for what it’s worth, I am still attracted to him and wanted it too. So it didn’t cross my mind to refrain from it.

 

I would look into why it never occurred to you and what your feelings are on casual sex and sex without commitment -because that's basically what this was -you had sex with a person who you felt was no longer committed to progressing/getting closer to you in your relationship. It's completely fine if you're comfortable having sex because you are attracted to the person and it is pleasurable. It's just that you posted a lot about your concerns about his not being that into you and not showing he cared/saw you as a potential future partner - do you compartmentalize sex so that having sex doesn't relate to that concern and it's just something pleasurable when the attraction is there?

[katrina1980]

I totally get that. But for what it’s worth, I am still attracted to him and wanted it too. So it didn’t cross my mind to refrain from it.

 

Well as long as you're okay with it now, knowing he's pretty much done, as are you, that's OK.

 

Given all that's gone down as of late, I would not have been okay with having sex, but then again, I wouldn't have gone on the date at all.

 

Would have been done quite a while ago, not to punish or anything; with so little interaction, I would simply have disconnected, felt disheartened, among other unpleasant emotions.

 

When I start feeling that way, I'm done and move on.

 

Just me.

[Starlight925]

So, and I promise I'm not judging you, because I promise I've put myself in worse situations....

 

After he told you about the party to which you weren't invited......

And after he told you it would probably be a few weeks before you'd see each other again.....

and after he ignored your request for more in-between date communication.....

 

you still had sex?????

 

Of course he's going to contact you again, silly girl. He'll get horny in a couple of days, be horny enough in 3-5 days that he'll need to contact you again, and he'll be so super horny within 10 days, that he'll be dying to see you.

 

This isn't "after the holidays", this will be very soon. Boy wants sex. Boy knows where to find sex. Girl won't complain. Girl will willingly have sex. Phone, meet text.

[Lex00]

I would look into why it never occurred to you and what your feelings are on casual sex and sex without commitment -because that's basically what this was -you had sex with a person who you felt was no longer committed to progressing/getting closer to you in your relationship. It's completely fine if you're comfortable having sex because you are attracted to the person and it is pleasurable. It's just that you posted a lot about your concerns about his not being that into you and not showing he cared/saw you as a potential future partner - do you compartmentalize sex so that having sex doesn't relate to that concern and it's just something pleasurable when the attraction is there?

 

When I first met him, I was ok with the fact it could be just casual. I actually had it in my mind I wasn’t looking for a relationship and have even told friends if I met someone that I would want a strictly FWB relationship. For a past few years after my divorce, that’s how it’s been for me and I’m totally ok with it. Actually preferred it and my feelings never got involved. Had good times with the guys I was seeing, things faded off and I never thought anything of it or got hurt.

 

This is why I’m having a hard time. Because this is the first guy I’ve developed deeper feelings for. So yes, at first I was going in thinking it would be casual but then things moved fast and seemed like a deeper connection for me so I fell pretty hard. So it turned out I really wanted a relationship with this one.

[katrina1980]

 

Boy wants sex. Boy knows where to find sex. Girl won't complain. Girl will willingly have sex. Phone, meet, sex, followed by distance -- lather, rinse, repeat.

Edited that a bit, but this^ is telling, as was most, if not all, of what LHGirl has posted on this thread.

 

We teach people how to treat us.

 

I'm sorry. :(

[katrina1980]

Lex, do you think you have developed a bit an addiction to him, as I suggested earlier?

 

The sex on Saturday, despite all that has gone down and your feeling so anxious and so unhappy as of late, frankly I'm finding it difficult to understand how you could have even wanted to have sex with him.

 

I'm projecting, but I wouldn't have even wanted to go on the date, let alone had sex with him.

 

So, getting back to the addiction thing, was having sex sort of your one last "fix"?

 

And now you can let it go and move on?

 

Edit: If you were/are a bit addicted, not judging I promise. I was addicted to my ex for six years (while in the RL) -- him, the sex (mostly), all of it; that's how I know it's real thing. And I have learned a hell of a lot since our RL ended two years ago. About myself, relationships, men, life!

[Lex00]

Lex, do you think you have developed a bit an addiction to him, as I suggested earlier?

 

The sex on Saturday, despite all that has gone down and your feeling so anxious and so unhappy as of late, frankly I'm finding it difficult to understand how you could have even wanted to have sex with him.

 

I'm projecting, but I wouldn't have even wanted to go on the date, let alone had sex with him.

 

So, getting back to the addiction thing, was having sex sort of your one last "fix"?

 

And now you can let it go and move on?

 

Edit: If you were/are a bit addicted, not judging I promise. I was addicted to my ex for six years (while in the RL) -- him, the sex (mostly), all of it; that's how I know it's real thing. And I have learned a hell of a lot since our RL ended two years ago. About myself, relationships, men, life!

 

I would say yes... it was my intention to just have a good time. One last time and distance myself, or just be done.

[Batya33]

I would say yes... it was my intention to just have a good time. One last time and distance myself, or just be done.

 

It sounds like you can compartmentalize and be casual about sex -I was just surprised because you wrote a lot about the feelings you had so it was no longer a casual arrangement -emotionally-for you. I understand that you wanted to have sex because it's fun and pleasurable and you didn't think it would affect your ability to distance yourself from him.

[purplepaisley]

When I first met him, I was ok with the fact it could be just casual. I actually had it in my mind I wasn’t looking for a relationship and have even told friends if I met someone that I would want a strictly FWB relationship. For a past few years after my divorce, that’s how it’s been for me and I’m totally ok with it. Actually preferred it and my feelings never got involved. Had good times with the guys I was seeing, things faded off and I never thought anything of it or got hurt.

 

This is why I’m having a hard time. Because this is the first guy I’ve developed deeper feelings for. So yes, at first I was going in thinking it would be casual but then things moved fast and seemed like a deeper connection for me so I fell pretty hard. So it turned out I really wanted a relationship with this one.

 

When you walked into this, you had the idea or understanding that it would just be casual.

 

What did he want? What did his profile say? Did his profile say he was seeking a relationship, or did his profile state he was seeking serious. If you walked into this thinking "casual," and he also wanted casual, and then you got attached, ouch...it happens. If you walked into this wanting casual while he wanted serious (his profile said serious), it had the potential to go south only with him wanting more, and you being avoidant.

 

He seems uninterested and maybe he doesn't know what he wants or maybe him saying he wants serious makes meeting women easier...who knows.

 

He will be calling again. When he's done doing what he's doing, and he starts feeling horny and of course he likes you as a person, his GF when it's convenient, he'll be back around. It's up to you if you want to just have this casual thing or drop him. It's probably better to drop.

 

I had a rather long-term on-and-off again thing going on, and I made the decision to just enjoy it when he came back around, and went about my business when he disappeared. This was after some heartache, some emotion, anxiety, etc., but I made the conscious choice to just go with it and enjoy him when he came around. Eventually it blew up, and it's because he changed "the rules," or expected something else. Life changes put him in a different realm; I think that played a role, but regardless, it worked for me while it worked, and frankly I'm lost on what he was thinking the whole time, but I don't think he realized his actions and I doubt he'd own them. There was significant anxiety and some wounded feelings, so I honestly can't say I'd do it again if he came a'callin' again, or if a new opportunity like this presented itself. I don't know that it's worth it, particularly in an environment where work is involved and you'll see him again, even if only in passing.

 

This is where you have to be super strong, OP. Even delete his number from your phone if you have to. You can write his number down somewhere for safe keeping, but this would make it difficult to text him when you're feeling weak and impulsive and just can't stand not hearing from him. It will take some work, I know, but refrain. If you see him at work, be friendly, like you do with any coworker, and that's that. He's been clear where you are in the picture and there's really no guarantee that this will change. I do think that 2 months into this relationship might be too soon to do the whole holiday gathering, but since his kids won't be there, I also question, "Why not?" I also question an inability to work out an alternate time.

 

Last year I had a guy completely drop off. He "apologized" for not reaching out because he "knew I would be busy" with family and holiday. Um, no, I wasn't busy, but since you didn't reach out, you didn't know that. He didn't reach out for a reason, and it wasn't me being busy. It was an excuse to absolve himself and make himself look like less of a butt.

 

I do think that he needs to make a little more effort in between dates to communicate. It's a moot point at this point. I think you've given up the ghost on this, and it's probably time to do so. I hope you can remove yourself, move on, and be better for it.

 

I don't agree that you "should have listened" a few weeks ago. You don't want to look back and think "what if." You want to look back and know you tried your best and you learned something from it.

 

Good luck, OP. I have said this before: I fell pretty hard for a guy who pulled a similar act, and I understand exactly what you're feeling and what you've been through, all the way down to fishing for dates. I can't say I'd have the strength to resist if he decided to do another popup...but I think I do...maybe.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm late to this thread, but what really jumped off the page for me was this:

I do recall on our very first date, he did mention he ended relationships due to the women being clingy and wanting to move a little too fast.

 

Erm... who's the common denominator here? Sure, there are needy, clingy women around, but he really made a blanket statement about women he had relationships with? It sounds as though he has real problems around commitment, and commitment-phobes typically go overboard in the early days - which is why you got accustomed to all the lovey-dovey texts. Even in a healthy relationship, the first few weeks are all hearts-and-flowers romance, and nobody could maintain that pitch - so in future relationships don't worry if they tail off a bit.

 

To be honest, I think your doubts and anxieties were your intuition making itself felt. You then tried to rationalise and refute it, only to give in again. If you take nothing else away from this experience, don't have sex too early on when you first get to know someone. If they're the sort of person you could do 'casual' with, they'll still be good for casual when you've got to know them a bit better. If it's someone you do feel a real connection with, but they're still after 'casual', you can step aside lightly without getting your heart broken.

 

I think one of the most important aspects of a successful relationships is agreement about the amount of space and communication, and feeling comfortable with the needs of your partner. If you need regular txts, then find someone who's on the same page as you. It's a very personal thing. It takes a while to find out whether you and your partner can fulfil each other's needs, and don't be scared to back off if you can see that it just isn't happening.

 

This may be contentious, but I also think that if you need to ask 'Is he just not into me?', you already have your answer.

[figureitout23]

So, and I promise I'm not judging you, because I promise I've put myself in worse situations....

 

After he told you about the party to which you weren't invited......

And after he told you it would probably be a few weeks before you'd see each other again.....

and after he ignored your request for more in-between date communication.....

 

you still had sex?????

 

Of course he's going to contact you again, silly girl. He'll get horny in a couple of days, be horny enough in 3-5 days that he'll need to contact you again, and he'll be so super horny within 10 days, that he'll be dying to see you.

 

This isn't "after the holidays", this will be very soon. Boy wants sex. Boy knows where to find sex. Girl won't complain. Girl will willingly have sex. Phone, meet text.

 

Yep.

 

When I first met him, I was ok with the fact it could be just casual. I actually had it in my mind I wasn’t looking for a relationship and have even told friends if I met someone that I would want a strictly FWB relationship. For a past few years after my divorce, that’s how it’s been for me and I’m totally ok with it. Actually preferred it and my feelings never got involved. Had good times with the guys I was seeing, things faded off and I never thought anything of it or got hurt.

 

This is why I’m having a hard time. Because this is the first guy I’ve developed deeper feelings for. So yes, at first I was going in thinking it would be casual but then things moved fast and seemed like a deeper connection for me so I fell pretty hard. So it turned out I really wanted a relationship with this one.

 

After more than 30 pages, I don't think now is the time to be insincere with yourself. For the most part women have a pretty easy time entering into casual sex situation, super easy, so if thats what you were looking for, this thread wouldn't exist, and you wouldn't be upset that hes treating you as a casual hookup, people get attached to their hookups, sure, but that doesnt automatically mean their expectations change to 'why arent things moving forward?' Your indignation to his flippant attitude only makes sense if your expectations were more. This man did NOTHING to endear himself to you. He said a few sweet words? How would that possibly work on someone just looking for casual sex? Your situation sounds PERFECT for someone looking for casual, seriously! its regular, you get dinner and a movie and coffee in the morning then you both go your separate ways, theres no drama, no confusion, no long periods of not seeing eachother. The only reason this caused so much confusion and strife is because casual is.not.for.you and thats ok!

 

If you keep convincing yourself youre ok with all this he will be able to weasel his way back in and this thread will be in the triple digits.

[Batya33]

I'm late to this thread, but what really jumped off the page for me was this:

 

Erm... who's the common denominator here? Sure, there are needy, clingy women around, but he really made a blanket statement about women he had relationships with? It sounds as though he has real problems around commitment, and commitment-phobes typically go overboard in the early days - which is why you got accustomed to all the lovey-dovey texts. Even in a healthy relationship, the first few weeks are all hearts-and-flowers romance, and nobody could maintain that pitch - so in future relationships don't worry if they tail off a bit.

 

To be honest, I think your doubts and anxieties were your intuition making itself felt. You then tried to rationalise and refute it, only to give in again. If you take nothing else away from this experience, don't have sex too early on when you first get to know someone. If they're the sort of person you could do 'casual' with, they'll still be good for casual when you've got to know them a bit better. If it's someone you do feel a real connection with, but they're still after 'casual', you can step aside lightly without getting your heart broken.

 

I think one of the most important aspects of a successful relationships is agreement about the amount of space and communication, and feeling comfortable with the needs of your partner. If you need regular txts, then find someone who's on the same page as you. It's a very personal thing. It takes a while to find out whether you and your partner can fulfil each other's needs, and don't be scared to back off if you can see that it just isn't happening.

 

This may be contentious, but I also think that if you need to ask 'Is he just not into me?', you already have your answer.

 

I think it's fine if she has sex early on as long as, after this experience, she's willing to take the risk. I write this because after he treated her that way her standard for having sex with him anyway was because she was attracted to him and felt like it -she wrote that it never occurred to her to refrain from having sex under the circumstances. And she enjoyed it. That tells me she can compartmentalize and she's not upset that he had sex with her even though he doesn't want a relationship with her.

 

I don't think he was lovey dovey from the beginning -maybe a few sweet words but she knew from the beginning he was still active on dating sites- or at least verrry early on. I'm not sure that he has issues with commitment at all. He's committed to his family and friends and enjoys having someone to date regularly as long as he doesn't need to put in effort in between or include her in his personal life. Actually that is how he is with her so I can't judge how he'd be with another woman. He's been married and maybe his wife liked him the way he is with the OP but I bet he was far more invested. But point is, she's not hurting because she had sex with him -she had sex with him eyes wide open to the fact that he wasn't interested in her in any kind of commitment way and made that even more clear the last week (and made it clear early on with his vagueness about the dating sites and what he wanted)

[figureitout23]

Nevermind.

[Batya33]

To add to what I wrote if I were the OP, after this experience I'd think twice about having casual sex especially if the person is still active on dating sites (for health/safety risks) because even though this might be the rare exception where you ended up feeling attached this might become more true for you as you realize you are looking for the long term. I understand you were not at first but in a short time period that changed for you.