Is he just not into me after all?

[katrina1980]

 

I wanted to sort of ease in to let him know I enjoy talking to him and remembered a couple of weeks back when he opened up, that he doesn’t typically do long text and phone conversations so I went back to that statement and told him to please let me know if he feels like the texts are too much. And that I do like a lot of interaction, especially with those I love spending time with. He replied right away that it’s not too much and that he loves spending time with me as well and can’t wait until he sees me again... but never mentioned when, hasn’t asked, we really don’t have any plans. I said I was glad to hear that but I would love for us to communicate more in between our dates. No response after that. And nothing today, although I know he’s free from kids and I’m free from kids. I understand he says after a lot of interaction with others, he likes to decompress alone, as he was trying to explain how he operates as this full on introvert. So, not sure if that’s the reason. But there is nothing more to it than that. His texts have always been so emotionless.

 

 

You know what Lex, I know I was giving him the big benefit of the doubt throughout this thread, but what's in bold -- that's just plain rude.

 

I get needing alone time, I get needing space, I even get not needing to communicate that often in between dates, what I DON'T get and what is unacceptable (to me anyway) is him flat out ignoring you when you shared with him, in a very non-accusatory and gracious manner I might add, what you need, which wasn't much to ask for IMHO!

 

Clearly, he doesn't want to communicate more in between your dates, so essentially shut you down. Rude, insensitive, thoughtless, ugh.

 

I think that (the shutting you down by ignoring) is very telling and at only 2.5 months in, this would be a dealbreaker (for me), there is no excuse for it.

 

I am so sorry Lex, I hope you're okay!!

 

Continue reaching out for support.

[Lex00]

You know what Lex, I know I was giving him the big benefit of the doubt throughout this thread, but what's in bold -- that's just plain rude.

 

I get needing alone time, I get needing space, I even get not needing to communicate that often in between dates, what I DON'T get and what is unacceptable (to me anyway) is him flat out ignoring you when you shared with him, in a very non-accusatory and gracious manner I might add, what you need, which wasn't much to ask for IMHO!

 

Clearly, he doesn't want to communicate more in between your dates, so essentially shut you down. Rude, insensitive, thoughtless, ugh.

 

I think that (the shutting you down by ignoring) is very telling and at only 2.5 months in, this would be a dealbreaker (for me), there is no excuse for it.

 

I am so sorry Lex, I hope you're okay!!

 

Continue reaching out for support.

 

Thank you again Katrina. So I’m assuming me picking up the phone to give him a call tonight wouldn’t make sense? Just so I can talk to him more about it, hear his reaction, his voice. Just let it go?

[Batya33]

I would be done unless he called, apologized for his coldness, etc. and put in 110% effort into planning to see you ASAP -time and place. No -I am not talking about a "fancy" or "exciting" plan -I mean "I can't wait to see you, what are you doing on [day before this Sunday] - we can [insert activity]." That is the minimum and then when you are face to face gauge how things are going and when is a good time to bring up what you need to go forward -without a huge back story and without any apology. Keep it simple, direct and do not back off -or let yourself back off from what you need.

 

But no please do not call him again, ever -or communicate again, ever, unless he does these things at minimum. And I'd totally understand if you were done right now.

[bluecastle]

I agree with this ^^.

 

Look, in my last relationship, I was very much the guy moving slow while she was on eggshells. I did like her, quite a bit, and fell in love. But out of the gate I had some issues—my own knots that needed to be untangled, some questions about our compatibility. Tried to communicate best I could, knowing she was anxious. Whatever my flaws there, I don't think I was ever rude.

 

To not respond to that—just not cool. Dealbreaker? That's your call. But let's say that in there is a dude really feeling you, and this is how he shows it? Do those feelings really matter?

 

That's sort of another thing I've been trying to get at in all these words. Yeah, it's important to learn to manage our own jitters, so we don't close off to good stuff yada yada, and maybe in this relationship, and in these posts, that's a good lesson to metabolize.

 

Still, at the end of the day you want to feel what someone's feeling, and, generally, just feel good more than edgy. I've been left by incredible women who I had all the sparkly feelings for—but, well, they weren't feeling enough. And I've done the same. Life. And when you operate from that place, I think it hurts a little bit less because you're staying tuned into the only thing you have full understanding of: you.

 

Anyhow, Lex. Feeling for you. I'm sure this guy has a lot of fantastic qualities, and is largely a fantastic guy—that's why you like him. This doesn't need to negate all that. But it might be further evidence that, at least right now, he can't deliver what you need.

[katrina1980]

Thank you again Katrina. So I’m assuming me picking up the phone to give him a call tonight wouldn’t make sense? Just so I can talk to him more about it, hear his reaction, his voice. Just let it go?

 

What? You just shared with him something that was very important to you, and he ignored it, again essentially shutting you down.

 

You're gonna reward that with more attention, a phone call to discuss what he's already made quite clear he doesn't want to discuss?

 

Just me but I would be furious. In fact, I am feeling furious for you! Why aren't you?

 

I would be pulling WAY back, and next time he asked me out, I might even tell him I have enjoyed spending time with him but this isn't working for me anymore, wish you the best, take care.

 

Lex, these early stages are for observing -- observing if a man is right for us, a good fit for us long term.

 

I don't know about you, but as I said, personally I can understand a man needing space, and not needing to communicate that often in between dates, BUT when a man flat out ignores me when I share something that is important to me, I know that man is not a good fit for me long term, and I will walk away. It's insensitive and rude imo, and maybe another woman wouldn't feel that way, I am just giving you my opinion.

 

If he didn't want to discuss it right there and then, then respond back telling you that, NOT just ignore you!

 

Again jmo, it's your decision Lex.

[bluecastle]

I would be pulling WAY back, and next time he asked me out, I might even tell him I have enjoyed spending time with him but this isn't working for me anymore, wish you the best, take care.

 

Yes, this! Lex, I know you think something like that is the gong of the death knell. It's not.

 

Most importantly, it's the gong of your own power and worth, which is the hottest thing on the planet, the thing you want cherished, so you cherish it first and foremost.

 

Two, don't reward behavior you're not cool with. You don't need to scold him, or pick at it—that's for later, when you're in a thing thing, and even then it's kind of a last resort after some communication breakdowns. That's year 2 stuff.

 

You just...step back and, as Katrina said, observe. Maybe he steps up into that space—maybe—in a way that brings you enough comfort to stay in it, observing. And maybe not. Win-win, you see?

 

You don't want more of this, so why seek it?

[Starlight925]

I would be done with this. As in, don't even respond whenever he does call again.

 

He didn't contact you for days. Then, you contact him, telling him in a very kind way, what is important to you: that you hear more from him.

 

And what does he do? Absolutely nothing. He doesn't even set up a date right then and there. Or the day after. Wow.

 

And now, you want to call him? Please, Lex, don't. Just. Don't.

 

Please, have some self respect, and block his number.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm now seeing him as selfish, plain & simple. He wants to see you when it's convenient for him. He gets the sex, and he gets all his time away from you.

 

And he only gave you a wishy-washy answer to the online dating stuff and exclusivity.

[milly007]

I'm glad you reached out to him Lex and filled him in on your wants. Good for you!

 

I cannot believe his lack of response, though - super rude. Here you are asking for more communication between dates and he goes silent? Just wow.

 

This guy is completely satisfied and comfortable with doing the bare minimum, imo.

 

If a guy I was dating told me that he wanted to communicate with me more between dates, I'd be flattered and working on upping the communicato (unless it was an unreasonable request and I felt like we were already communicating tons. In your case, and in my opinion, your request is completely reasonable!).

 

I wouldn't reach out to him anymore. Please do not call him.

 

Even if he does reach out to you, I'm just not sure how you can move forward with someone like this.

 

From day one this relationship has riddled you with anxiety.

 

You must be tired of all this.

 

I'd be so turned off.

[Honeycomb8]

No I'd never contact him again. Actions and silence is your answer, you're much too good for this and calling him would be screaming out that you have no self worth.

[katrina1980]

No I'd never contact him again. Actions and silence is your answer, you're much too good for this and calling him would be screaming out that you have no self worth.

 

On second thought - this^!

 

I'd feel so disrespected and so insulted, I couldn't stomach talking to him again quite frankly. Wondering why you do.

 

Again, his silence after you shared what you did, is beyond rude and disrespectful.

 

Not sure what his game is, but you need to stop chasing him, it's not serving you well at all.

 

He's gotten too comfortable, too complacent, he knows no matter what BS he throws at you (and clearly this was BS) you will still be there, scrambling around, feeling anxious and insecure, chasing him.

 

Right where he wants you so he can sit on his arse, do nothing, and letting you chase. Ugh!

 

At best he's emotionally unavailable, at worst he just doesn't give a s***.

 

Find your self respect Lex and get rid, you deserve better.

 

This is done.

[reinventmyself]

I second, third and fourth the comments before me.

If you weren't sure about things before, one thing is profoundly clear. . When you risked being vulnerable with this man, he recoiled.

 

The right man would have been honored. After all you are sharing sexual intimacy. Why is the emotional intimacy snatched off the table?

 

Please don't go and ask him.

His silence is deafoning.

 

Good for you for being brave. Now don't ever settle for someone who isn't equally crazy about you.

[Wiseman2]

He is not a texter. He keeps telling you and showing you that. If you want nonsense chitchat texting to be the make it or break it deal breaker, then just end it. You Will Not Change Him.

 

Sadly you are still going in circles because texting him with blah blah blah how was your weekend blah blah blah was pointless.

 

You still have no definitive plans, you are still anxious, overwrought and upset. He still just pops in for an overnight dinner and booty every couple weeks when you are both kid free and you're not willing to give that up.

I did reach out to him via text yesterday, in the early evening just to ask him how he was and how his jam packed weekend was.

 

I said I was glad to hear that but I would love for us to communicate more in between our dates. No response after that. And nothing today

[Batya33]

Revising my comment above, slightly. I still think he can redeem himself in the ways I mentioned and I wrote I would understand if that still wasn't enough. I now feel more strongly though that he'd better have an excellent excuse/reason as to why he behaved that way, plus all the other things, plus a definitive "my OLD profile is gone, I only want you" - and even that that might not be enough so, what I wrote above although 99.9% I'd be done plus what I wrote he should do to redeem, plus what I wrote here, is so highly unlikely to occur but I figured I'd leave that minor loophole.

 

I am concerned that you would even consider calling him again - so if he returns and redeems you need to self-evaluate and figure out what you are worth and if you are willing to act on what you are worth.

[katrina1980]

Hi Lex, how are you doing/feeling?

 

After 29 pages, we're all quite invested in your story (at least I am). I hope you will return to update.

[reinventmyself]

All in all, there are no villains or victims here. Some referred to her being a booty call is not very kind.

 

From everything she described, he treated her well and they enjoyed each others company.

 

Short of him riding up on a white horse with flowers and pledging his devotion to her, at this point any less will not do.

 

It remains to be seen if he rethinks this and steps up. But between now and then, she's done her part. I hope she doesn't do anymore.

 

It appears to just be a case of two decent people looking for different things.

[Lex00]

Hi Lex, how are you doing/feeling?

 

After 29 pages, we're all quite invested in your story (at least I am). I hope you will return to update.

 

It’s so sweet of you to check, Katrina. I’m holding up, still struggling... I know a lot are quite tired of this thread, 29 pages can be tiresome. And this does help me, posting about it, taking direction from everyone, it’s so very much appreciated.

 

As I posted last night about calling him, I didn’t not come back to read this thread and my emotions got involved so I actually texted him to ask if I could call him. I wasn’t sure if he was with friends or family, or running errands. I wanted to make sure he was alone and able to just talk to me. Within a couple of minutes, he called.

 

I told him I wanted to ask about my text to him- and if somehow he was put off by me requesting that, because I just wanted to tell him how I felt. He immediately took the tone of someone apologetic, said “I know, I’m so sorry, and I know how important that is, I totally get it it’s just... I don’t know, I’m a guy.” Sort of just blamed it on that. I told him it just didn’t feel good to never hear from him unless I reach out. He said he truly loves talking to me and feels great to see a message from me, blah blah blah. The conversation involved taking about the weekend, family, just life, work, even during the conversation, he mentioned Thanksgiving and sent me a photo of him and his family. And we talked about the festivities. It was a normal conversation that lasted almost an hour.

 

During the conversation, we were talking about his friend who started seeing a girl around the same time we’ve been seeing each other. He mentioned he thinks so highly of me and said he would never even put me in the same category or realm as this girl, basically praising me. Then the subject came up of my friend- I mentioned something funny to him about her date and how she grilled the guy for answers. I didn’t even ask him but he put it out there and said “well I’m not sleeping with anyone except for you. You’re the only one I’m with just so you know. I want you to know that.” I told him the same, and that it hasn’t changed and he said it’s great to know that and was appreciative.

 

Later on, the subject of next weekend came up. He didn’t ask to do anything but he asked where I’d be watching an event. I told him at home, and he said “ok, that’s where I’ll be watching it too.” Then said he would try to get off work early and come over to take me to dinner... it wasn’t enthusiastic by any means, at first, because he seemed hesitant to even bring up hanging out next weekend. But he’s always sort of been a mellow talker. His personality is just so reserved, almost monotone, robotic... maybe that’s just him and how he is.

 

He’s like two different people.

 

Did I mention, when he opened up to me before, he said when he was married, he was just going to take off for a few months to go unwind on a fishing trip? And the only thing that kept him from going is because his wife at the time found out they were expecting. This is how the guy operates.

 

So I’m trying to understand if he’s this way towards me cause it’s his nature or if he’s treating me this way because he wants to. I guess to him, he’s going nothing wrong but “being a guy”. Like I said, over the phone last night- amazing. In person- amazing. But total lack of interest/respect when we are not together.

[milly007]

Lex, I have to say this - I totally respect the way you've handled this situation so far! I really do. My props to you.

 

Also, please don't feel or think anyone here is tired of your thread. These issues are issues that are important to you and we're all here rooting for you! So please, post away on this thread and come here when you need to vent, have questions or are just in need of support.

 

It sounds like you had a great telephone conversation last night. He does sound like a nice guy.

 

Maybe in time, and as you continue to get to know him (that's if you continue to pursue this), you'll feel more confident in this connection and not worry so much.

 

Sending positive thoughts your way. And again, totally respect the way you've handled this situation to date.

[katrina1980]

 

So I’m trying to understand if he’s this way towards me cause it’s his nature or if he’s treating me this way because he wants to. I guess to him, he’s going nothing wrong but “being a guy”. Like I said, over the phone last night- amazing. In person- amazing. But total lack of interest/respect when we are not together.

 

Bolded, I think it's both Lex. His nature and because he wants to. He know it's important to you to communicate/interact more in between dates and he is consciously choosing not to.

 

Why, because he's a guy? Sorry not buying it, that's the biggest load of BS I've heard in quite a while .

 

Anyway, you're not me and you have decide if you're comfortable with this; always being the one to reach out, comfortable not knowing when/if you'll be seeing him and comfortable not seeing him that often. Or speaking in between.

 

He needs A LOT of distance in his relationships or this RL, that much is clear, and it also sounds like he may be an avoidant.. I do think it's his nature BUT nevertheless he could make a different choice if he wanted to, knowing how you feel.

 

Good healthy relationships involve compromise. It doesn't appear he is willing to do that, he simply chalks it up to him being a "guy." And is essentially telling you this is how he is -- take it or leave it - sprinkled in with some flowerly language to keep you hanging in. HIS way.

 

Personally I think that's BS, I know I would never be happy with a man like that no matter how great our in-person dates were, or how intoxicating the chemistry. And would walk away. Just me though.

 

I've done it before and I was very attracted, even beginning to fall in love with the guy. But I felt like I was going a bit crazy with the distance, the mixed messages and the like, it didn't feel good anymore so I walked away.

 

Your call though, Lex, good luck whatever you decide.

[Lex00]

All in all, there are no villains or victims here. Some referred to her being a booty call is not very kind.

 

From everything she described, he treated her well and they enjoyed each others company.

 

Short of him riding up on a white horse with flowers and pledging his devotion to her, at this point any less will not do.

 

It remains to be seen if he rethinks this and steps up. But between now and then, she's done her part. I hope she doesn't do anymore.

 

It appears to just be a case of two decent people looking for different things.

 

You are absolutely right. I’m not sure if I made that mistake of initiating that conversation last night, but I will do everything in my power to stop. The weekend is pretty much set, and perhaps I can address more when we are face to face. Then go from there.

 

We really do have a great time when together. And certainly not kind of that poster to keep referring me as a booty call. There are reasons why we don’t see each other much- the distance, the schedule with our work, the schedule with our children that are not aligned well with the exception of every other weekend and one night during the week. And on those weekends, he does work a shorter day, then comes to visit me, which is why we are only able to see each other late afternoon/early evening. And yes, it will be overnight because we do want to make the most of it, not drive home 1-1.5 hours away in the middle of the night. We like waking up to each other and we can talk for an hour before getting up for coffee. It’s not just sex. And the one night a week- sometimes we make it work where he comes over or I will. And no choice but to do it in the evening because of work. I’m just explaining because of the poster who claims I’m just a booty call. Thank you so much, reinvent, it really isn’t too kind because there are many factors also besides his personality, and I wanted to bring those up and address it.

[bluecastle]

Hmmmm.

 

For my own mental sanity, or maybe because I'm wired optimistically, my take on people is that what you get is their best, always. And then it's up to you to decide if their best is good for you. To me, that's how you keep resentment at bay, how you stay empowered, and how you avoid the frustration of thinking of another person as a puzzle to solve, a wild thing to tame.

 

This guy is clearly a decent human being, a decent dude; you, too, are so clearly a decent a human being. You're both doing your best. Like someone else said, I take issue with those using the language of the "secret," the "booty call," etc. It's not that. This is him dating, him showing you what he has to offer right now.

 

The questions is, the question lurking for weeks now is: Do y'all mesh well? Verdict still out.

 

"Uh, well, I'm guy"—I mean, I buy that as him being authentic. I also cringe: that's your best, buddy? Level up.

 

He sounds quite guy-like, and quite comfortable in guy mode. Does he want someone who pushes him a bit to open up, to evolve, to be more tender, as you seem to crave? Or does he want someone who is more or less cool with him as is: sometimes robotic, sometimes sweet, often (always?) immune to being aware of other people and their feelings? Does he want to control the pace, or does he want to create the pace together?

 

These are important questions to kind of observe, and to ask yourself what you want and need. They have no wrong answers.

 

As for his comment about sleeping with only you—I'm curious: how did that leave you feeling? Better? Still edgy? I have some thoughts on this, but I'd like to hear you voice your feelings first.

[katrina1980]

I would like to add one more thing Lex re him making the choice to be this way and perhaps making a different choice.

 

I think he might make a different choice if he thought he might lose you. As I said in a previous post yesterday, he seems quite sure of you, he knows you will be there no matter what, and that certainty allows him a certain power, a certain carte blanche to behave however the hell he wants to behave with NO consequences. Like ignoring your text last night.

 

I guarantee you that if he thought that his disrespectful and rude behavior (which it was) might result in losing you, he NEVER would have ignored you. Never ever.

 

Perhaps you should start making different choices, I would if I were you -- specifically not chasing him, not always being the one to reach out, not always being available on his elusive time schedule, develop stronger boundaries; it's the kiss of death when a man starts feeling he can take for granted you'll always be there and there will be no consequences to his actions.

 

I think this RL needs some shaking up! It's too comfortable for him, to "meh." A slight push to his boundaries a bit.

 

He's not motivated to change and step up because there is nothing motivating him to change!

 

He knows he doesn't have to, and you'll still be there, filling in the blanks, and chasing.

 

Not a good place for a man to be, he will become bored with it eventually, bored with you, bored with the whole thing.

 

JMO

[Lex00]

As for his comment about sleeping with only you—I'm curious: how did that leave you feeling? Better? Still edgy? I have some thoughts on this, but I'd like to hear you voice your feelings first.

 

That comment actually put my mind at ease. I felt much better, especially since I didn’t even have to ask him. He volunteered that information and it was a relief. Because I’m addition to his lack of communication, I was beginning to wonder if someone else was in the picture. So I felt like one worry was crossed off my list. Now it’s just dealing with someone who is all about me in person but an emotionless, inconsiderate ahole when we’re apart.

[Batya33]

That comment actually put my mind at ease. I felt much better, especially since I didn’t even have to ask him. He volunteered that information and it was a relief. Because I’m addition to his lack of communication, I was beginning to wonder if someone else was in the picture. So I felt like one worry was crossed off my list. Now it’s just dealing with someone who is all about me in person but an emotionless, inconsiderate ahole when we’re apart.

 

Of course someone else can be in the picture -he's just not having intercourse with that person (yet). And he might be doing that for health reasons. I multidated without having sex.

[Lex00]

I would like to add one more thing Lex re him making the choice to be this way and perhaps making a different choice.

 

I think he might make a different choice if he thought he might lose you. As I said in a previous post yesterday, he seems quite sure of you, he knows you will be there no matter what, and that certainty allows him a certain power, a certain carte blanche to behave however the hell he wants to behave with NO consequences. Like ignoring your text last night.

 

I guarantee you that if he thought that his disrespectful and rude behavior (which it was) might result in losing you, he NEVER would have ignored you. Never ever.

 

Perhaps you should start making different choices, I would if I were you -- specifically not chasing him, not always being the one to reach out, not always being available on his elusive time schedule, develop stronger boundaries; it's the kiss of death when a man starts feeling he can take for granted you'll always be there and there will be no consequences to his actions.

 

I think this RL needs some shaking up! It's too comfortable for him, to "meh." A slight push to his boundaries a bit.

 

He's not motivated to change and step up because there is nothing motivating him to change!

 

He knows he doesn't have to, and you'll still be there, filling in the blanks, and chasing.

 

Not a good place for a man to be, he will become bored with it eventually, bored with you, bored with the whole thing.

 

JMO

 

Duly noted, Katrina. And this all makes perfect sense as you’ve stated earlier but I’ve been so stubborn not to take this suggestion.

 

I think I was just trying to give it more time, so things can be more clear. I was waiting to see how things unfold- after more time together- after me mustering up the courage to talk to him about it. Like this upcoming weekend for example- we will be face to face for the first time after our conversation last night. Perhaps I’ll learn even more? Maybe not, or maybe he will be very different and distant, I have no clue. But I guess I’m just hopeful something could change. And maybe after the weekend, I’ll have more clarity and answers that would help push me to just go on my merry way.

[Batya33]

Oh please. It's not because he's a guy (Just read your post). My husband is reserved and introverted and he was very attentive to me while we were dating and still is. Because he chose to be, not because I asked him. He is understated -I make fun of him for that sometimes! - but his heart is in the right place and 90% of the time you can tell that it is -and when I cannot tell, I ask. Sure we all need our space -him, too -he doesn't like mingling a lot at parties with people he doesn't know or know well (but he'll join me in mingling and try to seem friendly and approachable lol) but he loves one on one with good friends or family. When we met he was painfully shy and he basically outgrew that but he certainly isn't extroverted. And that never showed in how he treated me. We were always in touch regularly - daily when we were dating especially long distance and we shared all the little daily anecdotes, etc.

 

We still have inside jokes that started over 20 years ago and you get those inside jokes from being in regular contact and bonding like that. And to me they're really important -they connect you when things are stressed - you can say one word or reference something and the other person gets it. Instant connection which you really need in the tougher times. If this guy wants to be close only when he sees you once a week you're not going to get to that level of bonding. Also because he doesn't want to - he is sorry he hurt your feelings and he's still with the lame gender-based excuses.