Is he just not into me after all?

[j.man]

Yeah I still don't get it. The guy said he'll try to *get off work early to see her for dinner* during the week and I think on Tuesday made confirmed plans with her on the weekend. What's she done? Complain he isn't the first to shoot the **** over SMS with her? She complains about him seeming "unenthusiastic" or "hesitant" to mention the weekend. But I'd love to hear exactly what justifies those inferences. Particularly given her pretty vast insecurities, I'm not quite willing to simply take it at face value.

 

It looks like her and he have differing inclinations, and it seems perfectly fair to me if he wants to go on dates and takes initiative on that while she wants to keep her thumbs busy on her phone, so she takes initiative with that. The guy, despite not being a big texter, has by the OP's admission been responsive when she does want to chat over text. It'd be one thing if they were just texting buddies and he were responding to her whenever he happened to be on the toilet. But it's not. He's been actively making plans t to see her. I don't see how complementing efforts implies some big discrepancy wherein the guy is shady or uninterested.

[katrina1980]

 

Later on, the subject of next weekend came up. He didn’t ask to do anything but he asked where I’d be watching an event. I told him at home, and he said “ok, that’s where I’ll be watching it too.” Then said he would try to get off work early and come over to take me to dinner... it wasn’t enthusiastic by any means, at first, because he seemed hesitant to even bring up hanging out next weekend. But he’s always sort of been a mellow talker. His personality is just so reserved, almost monotone, robotic... maybe that’s just him and how he is.

 

 

I had initially misread this^ to mean that you (Lex) would be watching the event at yours, and he would be watching at his, and that he would try to get off work early to take you out.

 

Apologies my bad.

 

I think I may also be projecting my own feelings on to OP.

 

I could never date a man like him, nothing to do with not texting in between, there's just something about him and this whole situatuon that isn't sitting quite right. Call it a gut feeling or whatever.

 

But I am not the one dating him, Lex is, so Lex if you could somehow scale back your expectations and simply enjoy your dates and what this man does give you, it could work.

 

He's not an in between dates texter and never will be. He's also reserved with his emotions, which may or may not change with time, it's still early stages.

 

He's not gonna change his basic nature, so you either have to accept his limitations or walk away.

 

Have fun this weekend, and fingers crossed it all works out.

[MAXX]

He's not gonna change his basic nature, so you either have to accept his limitations or walk away.

 

There has been a lot of great advice in this thread, but THIS, as far as I'm concerned is what the bottom line is...

[Batya33]

I had initially misread this^ to mean that you (Lex) would be watching the event at yours, and he would be watching at his, and that he would try to get off work early to take you out.

 

Apologies my bad.

 

I think I may also be projecting my own feelings on to OP.

 

I could never date a man like him, nothing to do with not texting in between, there's just something about him and this whole situatuon that isn't sitting quite right. Call it a gut feeling or whatever.

 

But I am not the one dating him, Lex is, so Lex if you could somehow scale back your expectations and simply enjoy your dates and what this man does give you, it could work.

 

He's not an in between dates texter and never will be. He's also reserved with his emotions, which may or may not change with time, it's still early stages.

 

He's not gonna change his basic nature, so you either have to accept his limitations or walk away.

 

Have fun this weekend, and fingers crossed it all works out.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong. They're just incompatible as far as what they are looking for right now. Many years ago I was just out of an LTR. I met a guy through a print personal ad. We were both in our late 20s. He was a really good person and I wasn't that attracted to him (he was attracted to me from all I could tell). It just wasn't on my radar that I needed to be with someone who knocked my socks off -we went on nice dates that he mostly planned, about once a week. Back then no cell phones or internet so he would call me once a week to ask me out, and sometimes one other time to just chat/confirm. I had no idea whether he was dating other people. I was but nothing serious. I was fine with the amount of communication. After about 4 months he started to act a bit more serious -calling more often, calling me long distance from overseas when he was on a business trip, sent me lovely roses for valentines day, etc. He started introducing me to his friends and I did the same. Here's the bottom line - we were both fine with the level of contact at all times until about the 6 months mark. At that point we had a "where is this going" talk because we'd had a really unfortunate miscommunication that was sexually-related even though we never had sex and really never did more than make out. That prompted a talk where we both decided that it really wasn't going anywhere and we needed to move on. No drama involved. A few months later he met his future wife. Not sure how I found out about that.

 

Long story, too many details, sorry. Point is that casual dating is totally fine when you're both on the same page. Limited contact between dates is totally fine when you're both on the same page. More than fine - it's healthy to interact however is comfortable ..... as long as you're on the same page. It's only a problem when you're not. And you two probably have never been on the same page it's just that you never brought it up until you realized he was still active on dating sites after you started having sex. Now you know. I agree with Katrina that it is not going to change. You will never be happy with the status quo no matter how much you rationalize or look for "signs" that things are changing. IMO.

[reinventmyself]

Well it was definitive when we spoke- that we will be seeing each other Saturday. Him trying to get off work early was just him trying to get to me earlier because we see each other late afternoon. I’m guessing he will be trying to leave earlier so he can come by earlier. You are correct that nothing has been mentioned about this weekend since that conversation.

 

I did, however, receive a text from him this morning, which was surprising, wishing me a good morning and that he hopes I have a wonderful day. I responded with the same but did not ask about this weekend. And I won’t.

He didn’t mention it either. But I didn’t expect it because he has never cancelled, always makes it so I’m actually used to not hearing from him about it until the day of, saying he just got off work and has to do xyz then he will be on his way.

 

 

If I can recall, he's never cancelled a date? He asked to see on Saturday and is going to try to get off early to see you earlier. That's perfect! Yet, you point out in this mornings text that he didn't mention the weekend. Should he have? It's already been set, right?

 

You have a date, your dates are good. You seek more reassurance for something that's already been set and when you don't get it, you slide into anxious negativity.

 

He has given no reason to not trust him, yet you are already setting up your preemptive strike by lining up a back plan for pizza with the girls?

 

It's this very mindset that will be your undoing.

[Lex00]

You’re right, he has never cancelled a date, but the problem I have is that he seems less enthusiastic now to even make one with me. It’s almost like I have to bring up things for it to almost click in his mind, then he mentions seeing each other. It’s not with excitement or sounding like he wants to like before. Before I wouldn’t have to even say anything and at the very beginning of a date, he is already making plans for the next. He’s not doing that anymore. Yes, he eventually mentions it, but it feel to me like he is reluctant.

 

I’m just still confused why he acts like the perfect man when we are together, is very into it, into me, sweet, takes me out, always wanting to touch and hold me when we are together, but is a very detached person when he’s not. For example... again, I know he was in the next building over during work either yesterday or possibly today. Have I received even a simple, hi? Given the distance and how we don’t get to see each other often, when he’s literally next door, if he’s interested, would a guy text a simple hello? Even if he’s busy or has other plans for lunch, I would expect a “hey, want to meet outside so I can see you for a couple of minutes.”

 

A couple of weeks ago when he was around, I posted about this. We smiled at each other but I never received anything until I reached out, and THEN that’s when he said when he leaves, he would like me to come outside and sit with him to talk and kiss him goodbye. And we did that. It took all but 3 minutes so it feels like crap to be avoided.

[Honeycomb8]

Please refer to the last few pages. We've already answered the questions.

 

 

Being affectionate does not indicate actual caring. There is such thing as fwb remember.

[Wiseman2]

Because you are dating, not in a relationship.

I’m just still confused why he acts like the perfect man when we are together, is very into it, into me, sweet, takes me out, always wanting to touch and hold me when we are together, but is a very detached person when he’s not.

[katrina1980]

Please refer to the last few pages. We've already answered the questions.

 

 

Being affectionate does not indicate actual caring. There is such thing as fwb remember.

 

Agree and many women get confused by this – how attentive and affectionate, passionate, even romantic a guy can be, and they assume it means they care, have feelings and want a RL.

 

In fact there was a thread a while back from a man who behaved this way with a woman he was dating and he admitted he did NOT have feelings for her, that he actually planned to end the RL after the summer.

 

He said he enjoyed spending time and being romantic, etc it actually had nothing to do with her, although he liked her enough as a person, but never developed feelings beyond that. And of course he enjoyed sex.

 

We all advised him to STOP leading her on, but he insisted he wasn’t, he was careful not to say or do anything to suggest he was looking for something long term, with her. He was careful to keep her at the proper distance.

 

He also said if she wanted to know exactly where she stood with him, it was up to her to ask. He felt no guilt about what he was doing.

 

I can't say that is the MO of this guy, but something to consider because let's face it, he IS keeping you at arm's length, both emotionally and physically and it sounds intentional, imo.

[MAXX]

You’re right, he has never cancelled a date, but the problem I have is that he seems less enthusiastic now to even make one with me. It’s almost like I have to bring up things for it to almost click in his mind, then he mentions seeing each other. It’s not with excitement or sounding like he wants to like before. Before I wouldn’t have to even say anything and at the very beginning of a date, he is already making plans for the next. He’s not doing that anymore. Yes, he eventually mentions it, but it feel to me like he is reluctant.

 

I’m just still confused why he acts like the perfect man when we are together, is very into it, into me, sweet, takes me out, always wanting to touch and hold me when we are together, but is a very detached person when he’s not. For example... again, I know he was in the next building over during work either yesterday or possibly today. Have I received even a simple, hi? Given the distance and how we don’t get to see each other often, when he’s literally next door, if he’s interested, would a guy text a simple hello? Even if he’s busy or has other plans for lunch, I would expect a “hey, want to meet outside so I can see you for a couple of minutes.”

 

A couple of weeks ago when he was around, I posted about this. We smiled at each other but I never received anything until I reached out, and THEN that’s when he said when he leaves, he would like me to come outside and sit with him to talk and kiss him goodbye. And we did that. It took all but 3 minutes so it feels like crap to be avoided.

 

Lex,

 

I know it may be hard, but forget the way "he was" and look at how he is NOW. He is scaling back, and so should you. Only give what he gives, but he needs to be the one to engage, and if he doesn't then so be it. You are more invested then he is, and the power in the relationship will always lie with the one who needs it the least! As stated, you want to build that attraction then you need to take a step back and look at him with indifference. You should also be aware, and as stated many times is that he many not change, and what you see is what you get (I think it's BS though) and you either accept it at face value, or find someone else who give you what you're looking for.

[MAXX]

Agree and many women get confused by this – how attentive and affectionate, passionate, even romantic a guy can be, and they assume it means they care, have feelings and want a RL.

 

In fact there was a thread a while back from a man who behaved this way with a woman he was dating and he admitted he did NOT have feelings for her, that he actually planned to end the RL after the summer.

 

He said he enjoyed spending time and being romantic, etc it actually had nothing to do with her, although he liked her enough as a person, but never developed feelings beyond that. And of course he enjoyed sex.

 

We all advised him to STOP leading her on, but he insisted he wasn’t, he was careful not to say or do anything to suggest he was looking for something long term, with her. He was careful to keep her at the proper distance.

 

He also said if she wanted to know exactly where she stood with him, it was up to her to ask. He felt no guilt about what he was doing.

 

I can't say that is the MO of this guy, but something to consider because let's face it, he IS keeping you at arm's length, both emotionally and physically and it sounds intentional, imo.

 

That's called a sociopath...

[katrina1980]

That's called a sociopath...

 

Yeah I am trying to find the thread cause it was pretty shocking actually, this guy's thought process.

 

I am not one to label, but in thinking back while reading it, the thought did cross my mind that he might be (a sociopath).

 

It may have been on another forum though, it was awhile ago.

[Lex00]

Ok, so I’m assuming this weekend is still on. How do I put in words that we should just cancel, so we can free up our day? Obviously I should give him a reason and say I don’t feel it going anywhere and don’t want him to feel “obligated” in a sense to hang out with me, just because it was mentioned. And wish him well?

[MAXX]

Yeah I am trying to find the thread cause it was pretty shocking actually, this guy's thought process.

 

I am not one to label, but in thinking back while reading it, the thought did cross my mind that he might be (a sociopath).

 

It may have been on another forum though, it was awhile ago.

 

There is a difference between someone who is a "dog" vs someone as described above. I have a co-worker who is exactly as described. He goes beyond being a dog, he just enjoys reeling their emotions in, and has absolutely no intentions of moving forward with any of his victims (thats what I call it) and he never takes any responsibility when they call him out on his actions, he just turns it around and blames them saying their relationship was never discussed. It's actually brilliant how he does it. Once common factor though is the women he is able to accomplish this with...it is usually women with daddy issues, or vulnerable in one for or another such as recently broken up, etc...Anyhow, don't want to muddy this thread, but let it be said their are real prize winners out there.

[reinventmyself]

Ok, so I’m assuming this weekend is still on. How do I put in words that we should just cancel, so we can free up our day? Obviously I should give him a reason and say I don’t feel it going anywhere and don’t want him to feel “obligated” in a sense to hang out with me, just because it was mentioned. And wish him well?

 

I am not convinced that you are prepared to let this go.

 

My spidey senses tell me that you are considering saying this so he'll be forced to reassure you that he is indeed interested.

 

There is no easy way to say it and if you are truly committed to cutting this loose, then you just say it.

It's that easy.

 

The fact that you are hedging your words suggests you are considering what his response might be.

 

If you are really committed to ending it, his response wouldn't matter.

 

And suggesting that you are generously letting him go so he won't feel obligated comes from an insecure, almost martyr like place. This should come from a place of mutual and self respect. That this isn't working for you and are looking for something different.

 

Thank him for his time and wish him well.

[katrina1980]

Ok, so I’m assuming this weekend is still on. How do I put in words that we should just cancel, so we can free up our day? Obviously I should give him a reason and say I don’t feel it going anywhere and don’t want him to feel “obligated” in a sense to hang out with me, just because it was mentioned. And wish him well?

 

Lex honestly if it were me, I would not be saying all that, like some of said earlier it's presumptuous and accusatory, you have NO idea what he's feeling or not feeling, or whether he's feeling obligated or not.

 

This is about you. YOU are not comfortable dating him any longer and that's all you should say, you don't owe him a reason why you feel that way, although if he has two brain cells to rub together, I am sure he will figure it out, he's not stupid.

 

And yes wish him well.

 

Edit: And yeah agree with reinvent, saying what you propose saying sounds like you're looking for a reaction of some sort, some reassurance from him that NO he really likes you and NOT dating you out of obligation.

 

DON'T go there, that isn't what this should be about, imo.

[Wiseman2]

Why do you suddenly want to cancel? Isn't he leaving work early to be with you? Why not wait and see when he texts confirms the date plan?

I’m assuming this weekend is still on. How do I put in words that we should just cancel

[reinventmyself]

don’t want him to feel “obligated” in a sense to hang out with me, just because it was mentioned.

 

Where and when was the obligation to see you mentioned?

[MAXX]

Ok, so I’m assuming this weekend is still on. How do I put in words that we should just cancel, so we can free up our day? Obviously I should give him a reason and say I don’t feel it going anywhere and don’t want him to feel “obligated” in a sense to hang out with me, just because it was mentioned. And wish him well?

 

I am not convinced that you are prepared to let this go.

 

My spidey senses tell me that you are considering saying this so he'll be forced to reassure you that he is indeed interested.

 

There is no easy way to say it and if you are truly committed to cutting this loose, then you just say it.

It's that easy.

 

The fact that you are hedging your words suggests you are considering what his response might be.

 

If you are really committed to ending it, his response wouldn't matter.

 

Agreed.

 

A

If you are going to pull the trigger and end it, then do just that and see how he reacts to it. Will he fight for you, or agree with you? No need to give him an excuse and tell him that he doesn't need to feel obligated to hang out in hopes that he will tell you otherwise.

 

B

Or you cancel and make an excuse and pull wayyy back and let him be the one to reach out to you.

 

C

or you go on the date, have fun then pull back afterwards and let him chase (if he does)

 

With your last post it seems you sense that he is not as enthusiastic as he once was, this can be a sign of things to come

[katrina1980]

I could be wrong but it sounds like Lex is looking at the totality of all his actions and non-actions, from beginning to now, and no longer happy or comfortable moving forward which is her right.

 

Frankly I wouldn't be either, it's too casual and I don't do casual. It doesn't appear Lex does either. Heck they haven't even seen each other in two weeks and there is virtually no contact in between, other than when she reaches out.

 

I seriously have no idea how you could even maintain the connection with so little time spent together and contact. After awhile it just gets old.

 

Again Lex you do not owe him an explanation.

 

"[Name], got to thinking and I'm gonna break our date this weekend. As much as I've enjoyed spending time, I'm just not comfortable with it anymore. I wish you the best of luck, take care."

 

Then BLOCK and be done with it.

 

You should not be ending it to gauge his reaction! It's manipulative.

 

You end it because after almost 3 months, it's not what you're looking for and that's OKAY!

[reinventmyself]

 

With your last post it seems you sense that he is not as enthusiastic as he once was, this can be a sign of things to come, if so you have your option A, and B...just my opinion.

 

Lex,

Does it get through to you on some level that your anxiety and over eagerness is the very thing that is lessening his enthusiasm?

 

It's been asked of you over and over if you can reign in your expectations and anxiety to see if you have a different outcome. From where I sit, this is not a lost cause.

 

You may very well have the power to turn this around. I see you sneaking up on doing things differently, but your heart just needs a moment to catch up with it to learn something by having done so. It's great you are holding off a little, but if you don't make the efforts view it differently, all the efforts are for nothing.

 

But instead you would choose to kill it, rather than try to learn something from it.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Have the date if you want. But don't play games. Why suggest he pities you?

My spidey senses tell me that you are considering saying this so he'll be forced to reassure you that he is indeed interested. And suggesting that you are generously letting him go so he won't feel obligated comes from an insecure, almost martyr like place.

[Lex00]

I could be wrong but it sounds like Lex is looking at the totality of all his actions and non-actions, from beginning to now, and no longer happy or comfortable moving forward which is her right.

 

Frankly I wouldn't be either, it's too casual and I don't do casual. It doesn't appear Lex does either. Heck they haven't even seen each other in two weeks and there is virtually no contact in between, other than when she reaches out.

 

I seriously have no idea how you could even maintain the connection with so little time spent together and contact. After awhile it just gets old.

 

Again Lex you do not owe him an explanation.

 

"[Name], got to thinking and I'm gonna break our date this weekend. As much as I've enjoyed spending time, I'm just not comfortable with it anymore. I wish you the best of luck, take care."

 

Then BLOCK and be done with it.

 

You should not be ending it to gauge his reaction! It's manipulative.

 

You end it because after almost 3 months, it's not what you're looking for and that's OKAY!

 

Thank you Katrina, appreciate it. For what it’s worth, it’s been one week since we’ve seen each other, and the plan was to see each other Saturday. Last time was when he was over the day before Thanksgiving and stayed the night, before he had to go get his kids. There were a few text exchanges, one sent from him yesterday just to say good morning and wished me a good day. Then that phone conversation.

 

But all that doesn’t matter so much, it’s just the overall big picture of the situation. I’m very hurt, I certainly don’t want to end it and you’re all right about that. I do in fact still want to see him Saturday. But my thoughts on not going through with it doesn’t come from me wanting a reaction. It’s more so how things will feel when he’s with me. It won’t feel warm and fuzzy because I’ll have these thoughts, I might not be all there.

[Lex00]

Lex,

Does it get through to you on some level that your anxiety and over eagerness is the very thing that is lessening his enthusiasm?

 

It's been asked of you over and over if you can reign in your expectations and anxiety to see if you have a different outcome. From where I sit, this is not a lost cause.

 

You may very well have the power to turn this around. I see you sneaking up on doing things differently, but your heart just needs a moment to catch up with it to learn something by having done so. It's great you are holding off a little, but if you don't make the efforts view it differently, all the efforts are for nothing.

 

But instead you would choose to kill it, rather than try to learn something from it.

 

I do know I have a lot of anxiety over this, but I’m not sure he sees it because as much as I express it in this thread, I’m truly not expressing it that way towards him. I have not been the one to initiate conversation in 3 days, he just texted a generic one to me yesterday and I replied with another pretty generic one. That was it. As much as I want to text him now, I won’t. I won’t do it tomorrow either, not even to ask if we are still on for Saturday, because I know him- he will text Saturday when he’s off work to tell me he’s leaving and will be on his way. He doesn’t feel the need to confirm prior to that anymore as he has been doing that the past several times.

 

I just don’t know how the vibe is going to be on Saturday, that’s why I hesitate now and thinking about canceling. Nothing to do with his reaction. I love the feeling I have when I’m with him, but things have changed in me this past week since I’ve opened up via text and phone call with very little reassurance.

[reinventmyself]

Are things different or just more of the same?

It's an important question and one you need to be honest with yourself about.