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Lex00

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  1. I really loved reading your story, thank you so much for sharing. I think it’s wonderful you both got through that and still going strong. Soulmates :)
  2. Not sure if this matters, FIO- I did not start dating him less than a year after my divorce, I meant that I began to date. So I’ve had relationships where I did not have this level of anxiety. I met him over 2 years post divorce. The dynamic is certainly different with him than the others.
  3. Hi everyone, I really appreciate the time you took to respond. It really made me think of so much, and I do believe this all boils down to the fact that this is mostly me, doing this to myself. My boyfriend is an amazing guy. Sure, he doesn’t send mushy texts, he doesn’t sweet talk me, but he makes up for it when we are together. He’s certainly not a cold person towards me. I believe he just deals with stress, and just life in general, differently than I do. To answer the questions about myself, no, I’ve never had this level of anxiety in a relationship. I think it’s because my ex bfs have always been there, and needed a lot of communication like I do. And I have only had two other serious relationships in my life. My first serious boyfriend out of high school that lasted 6 years, then soon after that relationship ended, I met my ex- husband. We were together 11 years before we got married, married for 7 years. We divorced because he became untrustworthy and I found out he was hiding a lot from me with regards to a “secret” job, was very shady, I no longer trusted him. After the divorce, I did not jump right into the dating pool. It was almost a year before I started dating again. Besides those serious relationships, I had short relationships after the divorce. Some just very casual. I was ok with not seeing some very often and did not felt the need to even talk to them every day. Which is why I’m a bit surprised I am this way towards my current bf. Maybe it’s because I truly have feelings for him and this is the first time I am serious about someone after having kids. And the fact that having kids would limit my time with him, living that distance will limit time, our careers limit our time. So now it’s something I have to worry about when in the past, I never had to. I don’t know... But to update you all, he did in fact call me when he was on his way home on Saturday night, and talked to me for about an hour until he arrived home. Poor guy went to work early that morning, worked a few hours and took off fishing early. Went back so the cousin’s place and grilled up his catch. As some of you mentioned, he just wanted to disconnect I guess, he obviously saw I had called, but understandably just wanted to enjoy his time, then talk to me when the night was over. I actually did not nag, didn’t complain, didn’t even mention my text and call being ignored. I was upbeat, asked him how his day was, we laughed, shared stories, etc. I know he tentatively has another family affair Wed/Thurs so I’m not betting on seeing him, which means this time, it will be almost two weeks. And I need to understand this is just a one off due to work, kids, family commitments, and things should revert back to how they were. My constant need of reaffirmation is what’s killing me here. He’s not great with expressing emotion with words, but my goodness he does when we’re together. And I have to remember that. For example, this morning we were texting and I wrote that I couldn’t wait until the next time I see him and that I miss him (guys, please don’t say that’s clingy because we have both said that to each other before), and he did not respond to that. I felt a little crappy but realized he’s done this before, but Saturday when he called me on his way home, I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. So, I should not place so much weight on whether or not he texts something back. Fast forward to tonight... he initiated, just wanted to tell me about an accident that had happened and we were both joking around about it. All in all, I need to realize that most of this is just me getting in my own head and I’m creating this. He’s never going to be warm and fuzzy over the phone, and there may be other times he is going to want to crawl into his cave, I just need to learn how to deal with it better than I have been.
  4. I thought he was disappearing in December because he was not reaching out to me. Not ignoring my texts or calls, just wasn’t around. This time it’s different because I have texted and called. And he is ignoring that and has not responded.
  5. Boltnrun, you are absolutely right, and I did accept the way he acts, realized communication styles were different, etc. But after I accepted it, things somehow shifted... for the good. And I had not even brought anything up to him. He was very consistent, texted me, called me daily, planned dates, completely opened up, brought me around his friends, actually showed how much he cared and wanted to see me that all of my insecurities went away. It was like this for the past couple of months, so I got used to it and was very happy with how things were progressing. So now this happens, and that’s why I’m surprised. Because there is a shift yet again. And this time, he has completely disappeared so clearly I’m beside myself. Itsallgrand, perhaps you’re right that he wants me to leave him alone for the weekend, but why not even a text to just tell me that? Instead, he is fine with leaving me to wonder if he is gone for good. I’m sure if he really did go fishing, they are done by now, and if things were ok between us, even if he wants space, he would have texted me by now just to let me know things are fine and/or he would talk to me tomorrow, etc. And I have not heard anything which leads me to believe that this may not just be a weekend thing, and he may have just decided to take the cowardly way out and disappear on me for good.
  6. My anxiety is through the roof now... he’s still MIA. And I know it’s best I leave him alone for now, but if he is really pulling a disappearing act, I will eventually want an explanation. We haven’t been on just a couple of dates, so I do deserve an explanation on why he decided to do this. He is taking the p*ssy way out. How long should I wait until I reach out to him? Not to talk to him anymore about salvaging the relationship, but to see if at some point he will be ready to grow some balls and tell me why he’s dumped me the way he did? A couple of days?
  7. Yes, I have stopped reaching out. It was just that text in the morning and the one phone call during lunch time. I have not tried again.
  8. Milly, I completely agree with you, that if he is not pulling a disappearing act, he will in fact use the whole “no reception” thing as an excuse. I don’t know how I would respond to that, however, because he typically works Saturdays (half day), and told me that he was working today, then leaving in the afternoon. So I texted him early this morning asking him to please call me, assuming he was at work and would call me on his break, lunch time, on his way home, etc. And since I did not hear anything from him, 5 hours later at noon, I just decided to call him. Still nothing. So I’m not sure what type of excuse he would have since supposedly he wasn’t even out fishing yet.
  9. Hi Holly, we have been exclusive (only seeing each other) for 6 months, but we had the conversation a couple of months ago regarding what we want and if we were really bf/gf. He said it was definitely what he wanted and what he assumed we already were. If he is truly fading away or has ghosted me, it shows how much of a POS coward he is. I’m still confused as to why I’m all of a sudden being thrown away without explanation.
  10. Hi everyone, it’s me again. I’m hoping to get some suggestions on how to address my concerns with my bf (maybe ex) because I feel like he’s dumped me without telling me. Please take it easy on me, I already feel crappy enough and just want to figure out a way to tell him how I’m feeling without coming off the wrong way. If he is in fact disappearing on me, I just want to know the best way to express things with him and have a graceful exit. Since my last thread, we have had the relationship talk, been exclusive from the beginning (almost 6 months now), and officially in a committed relationship, bf/gf now. My concerns back then disappeared and I’ve been so happy with him. Great communication, he’s been so attentive, the texts have turned into phone calls, we see each other 2-3x a week now. I’ve met his friends, he includes me... I have not worried about anything and have felt secure in the relationship. But now it changed again. So besides the couple of days during the week, we have that standing date every other Saturday, it’s always assumed we would see each other. Last Wednesday, he was near my work and asked me if I wanted to have lunch so we did. Everything was normal, he hugged and kissed me goodbye, nothing was different. Later that night, I’m thinking of ideas for our assumed date today and wanted to do something nice for him. We both had our kids that evening so we usually text to communicate or set something up, it’s no biggie, so I texted him and asked him what he thought of a spa day and dinner at his favorite place- it was going to be my treat. He texted back saying that it sounded absolutely amazing but he had literally just got off the phone with his cousin and they had not went fishing in months, so they planned to do that in the afternoon. Although a little bummed, I completely understood these are his only Saturdays to do anything and he needed to go have his guy time. I replied saying that I was glad he is able to see his cousin again and go fishing because I knew he loved doing that and it had been a while. Told him it sounded like a blast, then mentioned since I won’t be seeing him, it may be a while before the next time. So he mentions Friday (last night), might be an option. I know that Friday nights, he is exhausted from the long work week and typically works half the day Saturdays so I don’t ask him to do anything Fridays. So he mentions it and I’m good with it. Next Wed was also mentioned (we usually do Wed too), and he texts “oh, that might be better than Fri”. Well, we usually do Sat and Wed so I was surprised it was just one or the other this time. I told him it was up to him, but suggested we can do both since that’s what we usually do. He was busy with his kids, so I didn’t hear back from him until the next morning (Thursday). He just put “yeah, I’ll let you know how Friday goes.” I have learned that I need to communicate my needs or express my concerns, and he even told me to. So I texted him saying that I just sensed hesitation with Friday, with next Wednesday... and I did not want to overwhelm him so we would just see each other when we can. He said that he just didn’t want to feel like I was wasting my time given the fact that he is usually tired early on Fridays and wouldn’t be good company. I had to reiterate that I never feel that way. So here comes Friday. I don’t hear from him all day, assuming I would to at least let me know if I would see him since I won’t be seeing him today, and probably for at least a week. I’m a bit upset at this point so last night I texted him saying that I felt like something was just off and would like to know if perhaps me asking for his time was too overwhelming. He called me, and I told him I assumed he would let me know about Friday and never heard from him. No explanation, just “oh I’m sorry.” Then I couldn’t even address my concerns I texted him about because he started talking about work and other problems, I was sidetracked. This morning, I still wanted to talk to him before he took off and honestly just wanted a better understanding of things because I’m still not feeling right. I knew... or thought he was at work, so I texted him that I still wanted to talk about my text to him last night and also just to chat before he left and asked that he please call me when he had the chance. That was at 7am- he’s usually at work by 6:30. I got no call, not even a text, so I wait until noon as I’m assuming it’s his lunch break, and I call him. No answer, and no sign of him since. This can’t possibly be too much, I have only attempted to contact him twice and haven’t since. And I won’t. I just find it odd and unlike him to completely ignore me because he has been so different than before (in a good way), and now this. Silence. I don’t know if he’s out fishing, if he said it was in the afternoon but lied and left very early this morning. And he would lie because I think he usually works Saturdays before he sees me and maybe there’s a reason for this? No hurtful comments please, I’m having a tough time thinking I’ve been dumped already without him saying the words. Does it sound like that? And mainly my question is, if I do hear from him, what is the best way I can communicate my concerns without sounding like I’m nagging? Try not to put blame and tell him what I feel like he’s done wrong, correct? And just tell him what I need? What’s the best approach?
  11. I truly appreciate the time you all took to try and knock some sense into me. I understand he’s not right for me and it’s something I’ll have to accept. Will let him go and I’ll start working on my insecurities so I won’t be so anxious next time.
  12. The frequency!!! Or lack thereof. That’s what I’m complaining about. I was only referring a post from Batya earlier when she said he wasn’t interested in trading stories with me.
  13. Batya, I get what you’re saying, but it seems like I’m all your responses, you intentionally are putting me down and beating it into my head that this guy thinks so low of me- that yes, he’ll see me once a week but doesn’t see me worthy, not into me, doesn’t want to call me, essentially saying it doesn’t give him “pleasure” to contact me, not motivated to see me, etc. Not sure why it gives you so much pleasure to keep putting me down here but I’m already feeling down. There are other factors to consider here, and I haven’t gotten into all of the details of our “relationship”, but I will at least say, I know he doesn’t see me as low as you think he does. You don’t really know how he acts when he’s with me, sometimes when he’s not with me. I’ve only included the negatives here because that’s what I’m trying to get advice/thoughts about. And actually, he DOES care about hearing about my day and the things I do. He texts me asking me about it. I do get phone calls from him as well, just because I did not mention it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. And he does ask about things. He tells me about his family, the issues he’s having, he shares photos all the time of his kids. A few days ago, he was baking with them and sent me photos of it and told me the next time he saw me, which was originally planned for this weekend, that he would have some goodies for me. So it’s not all as bad as it is. I just wanted more communication, that’s all, a little more motivation. And for some people, his level of motivation might be just fine.
  14. Jman, thank you so much for giving a male’s perspective on this. Do hear a lot that 3 months in really isn’t a long time at all, and some people just like to see where things go. Yes, I do feel disconnected sometimes when I don’t hear from him all day, that’s MY problem. And honestly, I doubt he has any idea I’m taking it the wrong way. I don’t think I’ve mentioned before though, that I also drive about half the time to him- the last few times actually. I also don’t like to make it seem that I expect him to pay for all the dates- I pick up the tab too about half the time. My problem is not hearing from him as much as I’d like to, which makes me feel unimportant. And maybe he thinks I am... maybe he’s not thinking that at all but just doesn’t feel the need to check in every now and then. Another issue is I feel I’m asking him about his plans, if he would like to do xyz on this day... I feel like I’ve been doing that, and he will gladly accept right away. There have been a coupe of times when he couldn’t do said plan, not to cancel, but just to change location, but he would immediately ask to still see me, but at a different location. Usually between my city or his. As a matter of fact, last time, sex wasn’t even involved. I stayed over his place, we went grocery shopping, walked his dog, watched TV, then grabbed a quick breakfast in the morning before I left. I feel like I need to mention this because it’s not just a purely sexual relationship. Also, Jman, his potluck he threw, it was originally going to be a bunch of his buddies, some of their wives, kids, etc. So it wasn’t his family, that’s why I was surprised he mentioned it to me but I wasn’t invited. We were only seeing each other just a bit over 2 months at the time he mentioned it to me. Fast forward to when the party was about to happen. It was rescheduled to the day after the original. And he had his kids that day, so yes, I completely understood why I wouldn’t be invited. But just the initial plan... it didn’t feel too good. But now I understand a lot of men may still see this early, whether it’s family or just friends. So thank you for that. Another example of his communication style... last week when he was in my area, he asked me to lunch. Towards the end of the lunch break, he walked me to my car, I mentioned the event we had been excited about this coming Saturday. I reminded him saying we should definitely still watch it, maybe order the event, get takeout, or watch it at a sports bar. He seemed excited and said he’d definitely like to see it with me. A few days after that, we were having a text conversation, I mentioned that event... he was at work, but somehow the conversation stopped after that. Hours later when he got home, he texted me but didn’t even mention Saturday. So I feel like he was dodging it. Or maybe I’m just over analyzing. Nonetheless, nothing has even been discussed about the weekend so it has led me to believe he didn’t really want to go in the first place. It’s just things like that, sometimes aloof. Otherwise, he always replies to my texts. He’s never ignored one. I’ll receive a response within minutes except for maybe 3-4 times when he was at work which is completely understandable.
  15. This is exactly why I was hopeful. That perhaps he just moved at a slower pace, and he’s quite the introvert, always reminded me of his nature. While his actions show he’s really not into me, I guess there was just that small glimmer of hope that if we continued, perhaps there is still the possibility of it evolving and at that point, he would begin to feel more comfortable bringing me around his friend, and WANT to have more contact with me. It took me and my ex a little over a year before we moved into a committed relationship. And I was ok with that- no insecurities, no anxiety. Maybe because I was much younger.
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