Is he just not into me after all?

[catfeeder]

And wouldn’t it be easy to jump to a conclusion that there is someone else if he receives a text in the middle of the night like that?

 

Nope. That wouldn't even make my radar. My phone takes bot messages from my accounts and messages from people in other time zones all the time--not to mention wrong numbers.

 

Frankly, if a guy was also seeing someone who'd deliberately message him at 2 AM, I'd consider her a dimwit, and if he preferred her, they'd deserve one another.

 

Consider ways to use your intelligence in favor of enjoying this time and appreciating what you have rather than spinning it against yourself. Otherwise, the spin buys you nothing but a sour stomach, and what's the point in that? If the guy is going to hurt you, he's going to do it anyway regardless of how much you torture yourself, and then you've accomplished nothing but living through the pain twice. If he turns out to be a keeper who will not hurt you, then you've tortured yourself with the pain anyway.

 

Does this make any sense to you?

 

Head high, and enjOy.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you're a secret and he's giving you a script of "even family tell me I'm cold and aloof" to cover his tracks for only acknowledging you when there's a night-morning date. Even mutual coworkers have be told "just had a few dates with her". Why is he ashamed of or hiding you?

I continue to date him because I LOVE spending time with him.

I haven’t been brought around anyone.

only allows us early evening visits until the morning. And I want to just enjoy my time with him for now.

but we don’t see each other very often.

I just want to be acknowledged and feel like I’m important enough for him to just want to say hello to.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you're a secret and he's giving you a script of "even family tell me I'm cold and aloof" to cover his tracks for only acknowledging you when there's a night-morning date. Even mutual coworkers have be told "just had a few dates with her". Why is he ashamed of or hiding you?

 

I know many people who don't want to share about their dating relationships at work so that if it doesn't work out they don't have to deal with the questions.

[bluecastle]

Lex, I really feel for you.

 

But I think you're going to have to start asking a different question than what are the "rules" about asking "what are we," and start really asking if you're okay with being in a relationship in which "dread" is around every corner, a relationship in which you'll feel secure only in flashes, a relationship in which no amount of assurance will be assuring. Is that a theme, with you, in general? Maybe that's just how you operate, inside romance and out—no judgement—but in 23 pages on here that's the main theme.

 

For your sake, I keep waiting for this thread to fade into the background, knowing it would mean you're just relaxing and enjoying things and/or have decided you can't relax and enjoy things with this guy. But alas...

 

Let's say that you have the "dreaded" talk tomorrow. And he let's you know what this is: a relationship he's excited to keep pursuing, at what sounds like a pretty healthy pace, and the only romantic relationship in his life.

 

From what you've written, that seems to be the case. But also from what you've written? That seems, for some reason, to be something you're incapable of accepting from this man (or—for the therapists—men you find compelling in general). My gut says that, even if he were to say verbatim what you'd like him to say, that you'd be soothed for a maximum of 48 hours. My gut says, a year or two from now, if this continued, we'd be telling you that when he said "I do" at the alter that, well, he meant it.

 

Try to relax, we'd say. Try to enjoy it, we'd say.

 

I literally can't imagine coming to that conclusion about a 2am text. It's the single most paranoid and apocalyptic read. It's actively searching for pain instead of security. I suspect he is sensing this in you, and that the "cold and aloof" comment was a sideways attempt to soothe you by "explaining" himself to you under the auspice of revealing more layers of himself. Try to relax, he's saying. Try to enjoy it.

 

I get the jitters, I do, and I certainly get the frustrating bind of being made to feel insecure by someone you find compelling. I've been there, quite recently, as have most. But as someone who operates from a place of security and confidence I can't help but see these moments as signs that something isn't working, for whatever reason. If I'm not feeling confident, I can't continue, no matter how intrigued I am by someone, and the same goes if they're not capable of feeling confident around me.

 

I get that, at least on the surface, you're playing it cool with this guy. But the scrutiny he is under, two months in, makes me anxious on his behalf just reading this I can't help but get a contact high off your own anxiety. At some point, if this becomes a real relationship, he is actually going to do something that hurts you and disappoints you—not cheating, not ghosting, but just something small and human.

 

What happens then, if when he's present, driving 50 miles to see you, and so on, you seem to feel more unnerved than calm? Wherever this goes—and I wish you only the best—I think you want to explore this stuff in a more general capacity and find ways to self-soothe.

[boltnrun]

Lex, I really feel for you.

 

But I think you're going to have to start asking a different question than what are the "rules" about asking "what are we," and start really asking if you're okay with being in a relationship in which "dread" is around every corner, a relationship in which you'll feel secure only in flashes, a relationship in which no amount of assurance will be assuring. Is that a theme, with you, in general? Maybe that's just how you operate, inside romance and out—no judgement—but in 23 pages on here that's the main theme.

 

For your sake, I keep waiting for this thread to fade into the background, knowing it would mean you're just relaxing and enjoying things and/or have decided you can't relax and enjoy things with this guy. But alas...

 

Let's say that you have the "dreaded" talk tomorrow. And he let's you know what this is: a relationship he's excited to keep pursuing, at what sounds like a pretty healthy pace, and the only romantic relationship in his life.

 

From what you've written, that seems to be the case. But also from what you've written? That seems, for some reason, to be something you're incapable of accepting from this man (or—for the therapists—men you find compelling in general). My gut says that, even if he were to say verbatim what you'd like him to say, that you'd be soothed for a maximum of 48 hours. My gut says, a year or two from now, if this continued, we'd be telling you that when he said "I do" at the alter that, well, he meant it.

 

Try to relax, we'd say. Try to enjoy it, we'd say.

 

I literally can't imagine coming to that conclusion about a 2am text. It's the single most paranoid and apocalyptic read. It's actively searching for pain instead of security. I suspect he is sensing this in you, and that the "cold and aloof" comment was a sideways attempt to soothe you by "explaining" himself to you under the auspice of revealing more layers of himself. Try to relax, he's saying. Try to enjoy it.

 

I get the jitters, I do, and I certainly get the frustrating bind of being made to feel insecure by someone you find compelling. I've been there, quite recently, as have most. But as someone who operates from a place of security and confidence I can't help but see these moments as signs that something isn't working, for whatever reason. If I'm not feeling confident, I can't continue, no matter how intrigued I am by someone, and the same goes if they're not capable of feeling confident around me.

 

I get that, at least on the surface, you're playing it cool with this guy. But the scrutiny he is under, two months in, makes me anxious on his behalf just reading this I can't help but get a contact high off your own anxiety. At some point, if this becomes a real relationship, he is actually going to do something that hurts you and disappoints you—not cheating, not ghosting, but just something small and human.

 

What happens then, if when he's present, driving 50 miles to see you, and so on, you seem to feel more unnerved than calm? Wherever this goes—and I wish you only the best—I think you want to explore this stuff in a more general capacity and find ways to self-soothe.

 

I agree 110% with this assessment.

 

Lex, you keep saying you are really enjoying this man, you enjoy the in person interactions, you feel good in his presence.

 

But...and there is ALWAYS a "but".

 

It's like you cannot tolerate the idea that things might be just fine. You have an overwhelming need to "but" yourself into anxiety.

 

Maybe you think anxiety is a sign of true love, of passion, of investment, of having feelings for someone. However, it isn't healthy.

 

If this is the way you prefer to operate, it's fine until you drag someone else into your anxiety ball. Sooner or later you are going to start dumping your anxiety onto him, hoping (or expecting) him to soothe it for you. But he can't because it's something YOU invented.

 

Do you want to keep doing this? Or not?

[Lex00]

No, I don’t want to keep doing this, but it’s hard because I like him so much.

 

I know some of you are saying I’m too anxious and find a problem with every little thing. Trust me, I really would love to stop posting but I’m still having a tough time. Can I ask you all... you say I’m finding “buts” in every situation. I still haven’t heard from him since Thursday morning after he left my house. Would you all not think twice about that? Three days now of no contact?

 

I guess I’m just trying to understand and really think if there is something to me having some ridiculous expectations. Him telling me he’s introverted... I know he’s had his kids since Thursday afternoon. Friday, they had a wedding rehearsal in which his kids are involved in, yesterday was the wedding, today he will drop off his kids in the afternoon then free for the next couple of days. So I’ve given him this space. But I’ve had my kids too, granted we are not having to deal with events but wouldn’t anyone who is interested in a relationship WANT to reach out even just 10 seconds to say hello?

 

And I’m sure you will all say not to reach out to him anymore and wait for him. I’m almost sure he will as we get closer to next weekend as we both have that weekend free.

 

Do you think this avoidance is acceptable? Would you all be ok and not think twice about 3 days so far of not hearing from him? And would it sound demanding if, when he finally reaches out, that I just tell him I am looking for something more meaningful and not a casual situation. And that I feel like we’re so disconnected when not with each other cause I just don’t hear from him for days at a time and feel like he wants something different and I just can’t be wasting his time? Like direct it towards him so I’m not saying I’m wasting MY time?

 

I really would love to get Katrina’s opinion as well because Katrina, I really like how you see the positives where I don’t see them. Do you see any negatives now with regards to him not reaching out in 3 days and counting?

[Starlight925]

So it's been.....9-10 weeks? Is that about correct?

 

Did he ever answer why he was still on the dating sites?

 

Have you ever discussed exclusivity?

 

Have you met each other's friends or families?

 

If the answer to these questions is no, then my guess is, he's still enjoying your company but to him, it's not an actual relationship. Nothing wrong with that, but yeah, around now is when I'd want to start defining the relationship.

 

That doesn't mean it's a huge sit-down, major discussion, but more of a "I'm not interested in seeing anyone else" type of statement, where you see how he responds.

 

I, too, get anxious in the silences between communications early on. But you are having sex, seeing each other regularly. This would bother me too.

 

But instead of looking at it as a negative, it's a great way to open up the doors of communication and tell him how much you enjoy hearing from him, and how it makes you smile when you see a text, and how you'd love increased communication from him between dates. His response, and his further action/inaction, will tell you all you need to know.

[Lex00]

So it's been.....9-10 weeks? Is that about correct?

 

Did he ever answer why he was still on the dating sites?

 

Have you ever discussed exclusivity?

 

Have you met each other's friends or families?

 

He claimed he deleted it after I brought it up and I just have to believe him. He said he wasn’t looking anymore.

 

We’ve discussed exclusivity in a very vague way. I just sort of mentioned I wasn’t looking to multidate, not wanting to be with anyone else, etc. and he said he felt the same way. He said he was content in what he had.

 

We haven’t met any friends or family members yet. This to me is concerning because I guess I keep comparing our relationship to others at this point in time and others have progressed more. It’s been 9 weeks... certainly feels much longer.

[katrina1980]

Hi Lex, sorry to hear you're still struggling.

 

Re him not contacting you for 3 days, had he not had his kids and a full jam-packed activity planned weekend with them, I might feel a bit anxious, but since he did, then no I would not be feeling anxious about that.

 

I'd be keeping myself busy and looking forward to our next date!

 

When you're dating a man with kids, it's important to understand his time constraints and not take it personally.

 

Time constraints meaning mentally and physically. In short, his focus is 100% on his kids this weekend, as well it should be this early in.

 

I mentioned this in earlier post, but for me whenever I start feeling anxious, I focus on our last date and how special it was and how connected we felt and were.

 

When I focus on that, my anxiety flies out the window because why would a man with whom there is such a strong and beautiful (and rare) connection on our dates suddenly lose interest and disappear?

 

This makes no sense, which is when I realize my anxiety is my own issue and nothing that he's doing or not doing.

 

Clearly, his need for space in between dates differs from yours, it does not mean he cares less than you, he just has a different nature!

 

That said, if you want to talk to him, I think you should make it about you. Making it about him saying "I don't want to waste your time" is presumptuous. Whether or not you're wasting his time is for him to decide, not you.

 

Own how you feel Lex. You can convey your feelings in a non clingy and demanding way, just state how you feel using words like "I feel "this", I feel "that" and gauge his response..

 

Do not assume to know how he feels or accuse him of not caring, or only wanting casual or even not wanting what you want!

 

He's him, you're you, two different people with different natures, different styles, different needs attempting to come together and build something special and solid.

 

Hopefully you can meet each other someplace in the middle and make it work.

[Batya33]

I never was seriously involved with a man with kids but my serious boyfriends were all extremely busy including with family responsibilities. And after dating that long and not dating others I'd expect daily contact unless he told me he'd be out of pocket for __amount of time (whether business trip or visiting family, etc). And this was before texting. If we were still casually dating then I'd only expect to hear to plan or confirm a date and maybe once a week otherwise just to chat.

[Wiseman2]

He seems to like the status quo, that has been the same from the beginning. You don't find it acceptable but he does and doesn't know you're not ok with it. You both enjoy the routine of him spending overnight on your child free weekends. But then he heads back, low contact, you get upset and the same cycle over and over week after week because you've both agreed to it through silence and actions. No one has shown him otherwise, so he's fine with it. And you are afraid to upset things for fear of losing this child free weekend thing.

Three days now of no contact? I’m almost sure he will as we get closer to next weekend as we both have that weekend free.

[Lex00]

Hi Lex, sorry to hear you're still struggling.

 

Re him not contacting you for 3 days, had he not had his kids and a full jam-packed activity planned weekend with them, I might feel a bit anxious, but since he did, then no I would not be feeling anxious about that.

 

I'd be keeping myself busy and looking forward to our next date!

 

When you're dating a man with kids, it's important to understand his time constraints and not take it personally.

 

Time constraints meaning mentally and physically. In short, his focus is 100% on his kids this weekend, as well it should be this early in.

 

I mentioned this in earlier post, but for me whenever I start feeling anxious, I focus on our last date and how special it was and how connected we felt and were.

 

When I focus on that, my anxiety flies out the window because why would a man with whom there is such a strong and beautiful (and rare) connection on our dates suddenly lose interest and disappear?

 

This makes no sense, which is when I realize my anxiety is my own issue and nothing that he's doing or not doing.

 

Clearly, his need for space in between dates differs from yours, it does not mean he cares less than you, he just has a different nature!

 

That said, if you want to talk to him, I think you should make it about you. Making it about him saying "I don't want to waste your time" is presumptuous. Whether or not you're wasting his time is for him to decide, not you.

 

Own how you feel Lex. You can convey your feelings in a non clingy and demanding way, just state how you feel using words like "I feel "this", I feel "that" and gauge his response..

 

Do not assume to know how he feels or accuse him of not caring, or only wanting casual or even not wanting what you want!

 

He's him, you're you, two different people with different natures, different styles, different needs attempting to come together and build something special and solid.

 

Hopefully you can meet each other someplace in the middle and make it work.

 

Thank you so much, Katrina. I think I’m mostly struggling with the fact that he’s obviously not thinking about me or that I’m not as important to him as he is to me cause of this 3 days of silence.

 

I’m comparing my situation- I have kids too, a little younger than his and while I know my time with them is most important, I’m focused on them, and it’s more difficult for me to communicate with others while I’m with them, that doesn’t mean I disappear. I’ve been able to send a quick hello to girlfriends, family members, I’ve sent him texts before just to let him know I’m thinking of him. I’m interpreting this as I’m nothing to him to put forth effort into composing a 5 second text.

 

You mentioned you would be thinking about, and excited about the next date. Unfortunately, we didn’t discuss a next date this time. Tomorrow night, our schedule will align- no kids for either one of us. And I haven’t heard anything about getting together. I want more than every other weekend, with a weeknight thrown in here and there. I feel like if he cherished me so much as you mentioned in your other post (gosh how I wish it were true)... he would jump at the opportunity to say “hey, we don’t have our kids Monday evening, want to get together after work?” I can’t help but feel so unwanted.

[katrina1980]

Lex, I think it's a mistake to project how you would act or respond in any given situation (like this weekend) on to him or any man.

 

For the simple reason, he's not you! He is a different person from you, with a different nature, different style, different needs.

 

Gosh I wish you could understand that, and stop projecting and making assumptions about how he feels and what it means, based on what you would do.

 

Again, he's not you.. And there is no universal "one size fits all" re how all people act or are 'supposed' to act in their relationships.

 

You're not comfortable with the pace of things, then communicate that to him in a non-accusatory way, per my last post.

 

It makes no sense to keep this in, it will only continue to eat at you and fester, until it blows up and you end up saying things you might later regret.

[bluecastle]

Sorry you're still swimming around in choppy currents.

 

I like Katrina's advice two posts ago, per usual, especially as a general means of managing romance-induced anxiety, finding a way to call yourself out, get centered, refocus on the excitement of the butterflies and not the anxiety of the jitters. In this case, though, I think we're past that stage. I can kind of see you reading that, feeling momentarily calm, then reverting back to your questions and concerns and deeper feelings of unrest about this whole thing. (Edit—I wrote that before your recent post, so, yeah, here we are...)

 

Truth be told, I'd probably be a bit unnerved in your current shoes. I like my space, am not a huge texter, can admittedly be a little hot/cold on that front, but I generally don't let days pass in silence with someone I'm regularly having sex with, be it a week, three months, or two years. Is that because I'm so into them, thinking about them constantly? Sometimes. Is it because personally, much as I like my space, I enjoy some digital banter to compliment romance? Often. Is it because I think it's polite, pretty standard dating protocol? Always.

 

Now, I don't say that to freak you out or hint that he's not feeling you. I'm not this guy. I have no children, no access to his emotional mainframe, not to mention I've got my own nature that is soothing to some women, frustrating to others, somewhere in between for most.

 

But having access to your emotional mainframe, here, I'd say a talk is in order, because frankly you don't seem very into it. Into what it could be, without question. Into it when he's in bed next to you, or when someone here writes something that makes you exhale.

 

But the day to day? When I read a sentence like "So I've given him this space" I can't help but cringe and want to give you a hug—or a Xanax—as it seems that you're stomaching an unneeded amount of discomfort. It also seems like you're kind of scared of him, as if sneezing at the wrong hour could cause him to vanish. Like, you want to see him on whatever day? Why not just ask? You should be able to do that at this stage, and be fine with him being available or not.

 

As Katrina said, he can't tell you if you're wasting your time, so don't go there, and try to avoid the hyperbolic language of "meaningful" vs "casual." Simply tell him how you feel, what you'd like to see a little more of, what you're a little confused about, and then, as Katrina said, gauge how you feel from his response—what he says in the immediate, how he acts over the next week, and so on. That's how you see if you can find that middle spot, not by cowering in a corner and hoping for a text message. And if you can't find that middle spot—well, that's okay too.

 

Big picture thoughts here, to apply to this and life. I think you need to get comfortable with the reality not just that people have different natures, but different feelings at different junctures. And I don't mean learning to grit and bear that reality the way a Civil War solider grits and bears gangrene in the trenches, but to soften into it, get cozy with it. Like, you might be a little more "into" it right now than he is—is that really so bad? There's a way to be fine with that, and I think you'd feel a lot better if you can cultivate that.

 

Otherwise, I think you need to be dating super-effusive types, not super-aloof types. At this point the question of how he feels is really secondary to how you feel and whether you can handle exploring this.

[purplepaisley]

No, I don’t want to keep doing this, but it’s hard because I like him so much.

 

I know some of you are saying I’m too anxious and find a problem with every little thing. Trust me, I really would love to stop posting but I’m still having a tough time. Can I ask you all... you say I’m finding “buts” in every situation. I still haven’t heard from him since Thursday morning after he left my house. Would you all not think twice about that? Three days now of no contact?

I guess I’m just trying to understand and really think if there is something to me having some ridiculous expectations. Him telling me he’s introverted... I know he’s had his kids since Thursday afternoon. Friday, they had a wedding rehearsal in which his kids are involved in, yesterday was the wedding, today he will drop off his kids in the afternoon then free for the next couple of days. So I’ve given him this space. But I’ve had my kids too, granted we are not having to deal with events but wouldn’t anyone who is interested in a relationship WANT to reach out even just 10 seconds to say hello?

And I’m sure you will all say not to reach out to him anymore and wait for him. I’m almost sure he will as we get closer to next weekend as we both have that weekend free.

 

Do you think this avoidance is acceptable? Would you all be ok and not think twice about 3 days so far of not hearing from him? And would it sound demanding if, when he finally reaches out, that I just tell him I am looking for something more meaningful and not a casual situation. And that I feel like we’re so disconnected when not with each other cause I just don’t hear from him for days at a time and feel like he wants something different and I just can’t be wasting his time? Like direct it towards him so I’m not saying I’m wasting MY time?

 

I really would love to get Katrina’s opinion as well because Katrina, I really like how you see the positives where I don’t see them. Do you see any negatives now with regards to him not reaching out in 3 days and counting?

 

No, I would not find this acceptable. No, three days of no contact would not be acceptable to me AT ALL. I'm not a huge texter and I don't want to have to obligate my evenings to a phone call, every day, let alone all-day texting, but this silence between dates, then having to fish for dates...I think it might be time to cut the rope, OP. Sorry to say this, but let's be realistic.

 

I think it's time to really think long and hard about what YOU WANT and what you want for your kids. Is this 1-1/2 hour away boyfriend who has his own kids and little time as he juggles his job and his kids and his family worth it, and you are...an afterthought? Is it worth it? Is this what you want? Is there any potential to change? How long do you wait? How long before you can blend families and spend a little more time together?

 

A week could go by before he even reaches out to you, and I'm not sure that is a realistic timeline because you always cave in and reach out first.

 

Is it worth it, OP? Is this anxiety worth it?

 

What do YOU want?

 

This is what you need to consider. You need to seriously consider if his lifestyle is going to work for you. Even with a blended family, his absence and aloofness is going to be problematic...this won't go away.

 

I'm not clear on if you know what you want. I do know you are all over the place with this guy while he goes about his daily life, and you're worried about appearing too clingy and too needy...all the while you're putting up with his absence and blowing you off because...well...his kids, job, family...as if you don't have the same burdens.

 

Figure out what you want and settle for nothing less than that. This is the big picture, OP, is whether or not his personality and lifestyle work FOR YOU, and how long do you wait? I mean, you have to be able to bring up the topics and see if change takes place. If you don't know it's broken, you can't fix it, so I do think it's important to bring up the issues that are bothering you. The question is when, and how long do you wait, and of course, the biggest issue is if this lifestyle ultimately works for you. Are you willing to pack up you and your kids to live an hour and a half away from work and family and friends and the kids' father who might put a wrench in this move for a guy that pulls the lackadaisical, "see ya' maybe" card often?

[Lex00]

Purple paisley, thank you. I do not plan to contact him first this time around. I think I have more anger involved this time. I do believe he will contact though, perhaps tomorrow, maybe middle of the week, or closer to Saturday when we usually see each other. Usually it’s just a quick, generic “hi! Hope you’re having a good day so far”. Then just maybe responding by telling him I took his silence as him not interested in wanting to see or spend anymore time with me, and I’m just not ok with that anymore. And I prefer to have more communication with someone I’m “talking to” as he describes us to his coworker. That I want more from someone at this point in time. And see what he says, if he’s willing to give a little more, or if he just ghosts me.

 

I know he’s free now, so the thought crossed my mind to be the one to reach out and ask how his weekend went. To feel him out. But yeah... probably not the best idea so I’ll wait.

[Wiseman2]

For someone who recoils from even pleasant texting why can't you wait until you see him?

closer to Saturday when we usually see each other.

[Lex00]

For someone who recoils from even pleasant texting why can't you wait until you see him?

 

Because wouldn’t it be better to address this before I see him (if I actually DO see him)?

[katrina1980]

 

Then just maybe responding by telling him I took his silence as him not interested in wanting to see or spend anymore time with me, . and I’m just not ok with that anymore. And I prefer to have more communication with someone I’m “talking to” as he describes us to his coworker. That I want more from someone at this point in time. And see what he says, if he’s willing to give a little more, or if he just ghosts me.

 

Is the bolded really necessary Lex? It's coming from a place of anger and insecurity versus a place of strength and can almost guaranty it will not go down well.

 

Would not a better way be to simply tell him after 2.5 months, you need a bit more commmunication in between dates, more interaction?

 

That in between dates, you feel a sense of disconnection?

 

Instead of making the outrageous presumption that he doesn't want to spend time with you or doesn't care as much as you, despite how awesome he treats you on your actual dates and your strong connection?

 

What are you hoping to accomplish by accusing him of not giving a s***?

[bluecastle]

Because wouldn’t it be better to address this before I see him (if I actually DO see him)?

 

Ugh. Lex, you've been seeing this guy regularly for months, being intimate with him. Wherever your feelings may or may not align, where's the paranoia come from that you'll never see him again? That's self-generated, not him-generated.

 

You'll bring this up however you see fit. But I'd really, really try to avoid the accusations. When (if) you say to him that you "took his silence as him not interested in wanting to see or spend time with me" that's accusatory. It's a quick pivot from Chill Lex to Angry Lex, and it would put most people on the defensive. I promise you that, whatever his intentions, wounding you is not one of them. If you come to him with the assumption—well, it's hard to have a productive talk.

[katrina1980]

Agree with bc, not to mention on your last date, did he not take the huge step of opening up to you about himself, his life, giving you a peek into his world?

 

Do you not realize how difficult that is for some men? And what a huge step that was to becoming closer and building intimacy and trust?

 

Yet here you are allowing your insecurities and as bc said paranoia to drive the ship, forgetting about all that, and instead assuming he no longer wants to spend time with you?

 

My goodness Lex, he's with his kids. A jam-packed activity filled weekend.

 

This is still very early stages and he's focused on them.

 

And how is this any different from the other times he's been silent? Which he thinks you've been okay with since you've said nothing to indicate you weren't.

 

But now suddenly, you presume he no longer wants to see or spend time with you.

 

I'm sorry I just don't understand Lex, forgive me.

[Lex00]

Ok I should probably rephrase- not that he doesn’t want to spend time with me at all, but I feel like he only wants to spend very little time with me, out of convenience.

 

It’s almost like he’s doing the absolute minimum to keep me at arm’s length so when he feels like it, he can see me. But no need to be courteous in between because I’m not worth that much for him to reach out.

 

Yes, his weekend was jam packed. If he had any feelings at all, however, what about a nice text after his kids are asleep? What about now? I know he dropped his kids off a couple of hours ago. Why still nothing? I know he opened up to me, maybe he feels comfortable doing so because we do have deep conversation when we’re together. And maybe since I’m his “secret” and not around his friends and family, I’m a convenient person to tell these things to because he knows it won’t get out to anyone.

 

Still a negative outlook, yes. But I’m sad and angry at the same time that he thinks it’s ok to disappear for days. And my fault too for accepting that dynamic because it gives him the idea that it’s perfectly fine to act as if I don’t exist in between our dates.

 

I hope you’re right, Katrina. And that this is all just just BS I’ve cultivated in my own warped mind. I truly adore every other thing about him but it just doesn’t sit well with me when he disappears.

[katrina1980]

 

I truly adore every other thing about him but it just doesn’t sit well with me when he disappears.

 

Lex, are you familiar with John Gray? He wrote the Mars/Venus series, among other books and articles, much of which is a great assessment of many of the problems men and women experience in their relationships.

 

Anyway, he's written many men need a certain amount of distance to maintain their attraction and connection (whereas for women it's the opposite); my own dad was like this, even with my step mom who was the absolute love of his life..

 

And that it's wrong to presume that just because he doesn't ''need" to talk to you as often as you do, it means he cares less than you.

 

In fact he may care more! But just needs a certain amount of space.

 

I do understand why you feel unsettled about this, so talk to him. As of now, he thinks you're okay with the distance.

 

Would you feel comfortable telling him what I suggested earlier? That after 2.5 months, you need more communication in between dates, more interaction? That you feel disconnected in between dates?

 

He gave you a peek into his world, time to give him a peek into yours, don't you think?

 

No accusations, just communicate openly and honestly from your heart what you need.

 

All that said, it may just come down to different needs, different expectations and incompatibility.

[Capricorn3]

I have to say I can't believe this thread has reached 248 replies, but having said that, to answer the title question: Is he just not into me after all? I would say NO, he's not into you after all. The real question here should be "WHY do I keep chasing after someone who really isn't into me?"

 

OP, seriously, just move on already as this is going nowhere fast (imo).

[Lex00]

Lex, are you familiar with John Gray? He wrote the Mars/Venus series, among other books and articles, much of which is a great assessment of many of the problems men and women experience in their relationships.

 

Anyway, he's written many men need a certain amount of distance to maintain their attraction and connection (whereas for women it's the opposite), my own dad was like this, even with my step mom who was the absolute love of his life..

 

And that it's wrong to presume that just because he doesn't ''need" to talk to you as often as you do, it means he cares less than you.

 

In fact he may care more! But just needs a certain amount of space.

 

I do understand why you feel unsettled about this, so talk to him. As of now, he thinks you're okay with the distance.

 

Would you feel comfortable telling him what I suggested earlier? That after 2.5 months, you need more communication in between dates, more interaction? That you feel disconnected in between dates?

 

He gave you a peek into his world, time to give him a peek into yours, don't you think?

 

No accusations, just communicate openly and honestly from your heart what you need.

 

I think it’s because even though you mentioned John Gray writing about men needing a certain amount of time away from women to maintain that attraction, I look at all of the relationships around me, old and new, and I’ve never heard of a guy who is truly interested doing that and allowing 3 days and counting, to pass. Especially that honeymoon phase you always hear about where the communication should actually be frequent this early on.

 

Honestly I can’t say I feel comfortable telling him I need more, it gives me the jitters, but I will do it. Just like I didn’t feel comfortable a month ago telling him how I felt about the dating site situation, but I felt like I had to. I’ll make it very informal so it doesn’t sound demanding and not ask questions so it sounds like an interrogation. But yes, if he reaches out this week, I’ll tell him something to the effect that it was nice hearing from him, and I truly do enjoy my time with him but would really love to hear from him more often when we’re not seeing each other. Hopefully he won’t freak out about it.