Seeking advice for boyfriends texts

[caseys2]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years are are engaged to be married in a year. I'm 26 and he's 36. Besides what I'm writing about, things have been great. We are super compatible for each other, have a great sex life, enjoy spending time together and are in love.

 

A couple of months ago I woke up in the middle of the night not knowing where my phone is. I grabbed his from the bedside table. What came up on his phone was a sex chat room.

He was sexting a girl from a chat room , getting her to send photos of her, sending photos of his abs, a video clip of him cuming. They talked for a day and a half, while I was sleeping and when he was at work. The whole convo was about a daddy/daughter fetish. He was calling her baby girl and she was calling him daddy. I noticed he had a new e-mail that had a touch pad lock on it as well. Now completely blind sided and upset I went through his text messages and he was calling a girl he worked with pet names like "cutie". As soon as I confronted him he deleted everything.

 

We ended up sorting it out. He said that he didn't consider that cheating because it was a person anywhere in the world. He would never meet up with someone and never would physically cheat. He said he was drunk and compared that to interactive porn. He was getting ideas on how to spice our sex life up. He admitted he took it way too far with talking to a real person. He promised he would never do it again. He promised to only call me pet names. He promised he would never delete anything again, so if he was going to say something he thought I wouldn't like, he just wouldn't say it or know that I might see it. He told me I can spot check his phone whenever to gain back my trust.

 

I've done a couple spot checks, and nothing. Except for yesterday I found messages with one of his good girlfriend that has moved across the country. Background : They worked together and would work out together. Since she moved they constantly message. She's recently married (unhappily) and just had a baby. She's pretty and in great shape. She helped him pick out my engagement ring. She always asks about me in an unthreatening way. Josh wants to move out there eventually. Not because of her but I'm originally from there and want to move back too. Never felt overly threatened because I think people in a relationship should have opposite-sex friends.

 

In his texts he sent her a photo of a menicinal weed with a jar with her name on it. He says " I wonder what you taste like ? Wink " she says hahah heavenly better be the answer .... he says " I can only imagine" "your so great haha".

 

I confronted him and he says I'm over reacting, that it was a dirty joke with one of his best friends, that I need to get over it because he isn't apologizing. That i should know his sense of humour. He doesn't understand how I think that is inappropriate and disrespectful to me. He msged me today FYI : Arn't you glad I didn't delete that? Thats what you wanted wasn't it? Well from now on I'm deleting every text I get." ...When I got home everything was deleted.

 

We had talked about couples counselling before when the first incident, but it never happened. Now he's making calls to make an appointment because "he wants to make this work".

 

Sorry for the book.... I would love to get some opinions on this. Am I overreacting and should get over it? Or is the sick feeling in my stomach justified??

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this is happening. On many levels you know it's inappropriate. You only know what you came across. So he's giving you a little truth mixed with a lot of bull.

 

You also know that not only will it not stop, it will escalate. And that he will hide it much better. Unfortunately what you see is what you will get. You can go to therapy but it will be the same sham as "doing it for you to spice up our sex life".

He was sexting a girl from a chat room , getting her to send photos of her, sending photos of his abs, a video clip of him cuming. He was getting ideas on how to spice our sex life up.

[indea08]

You're not overreacting, I'd have beat the living sh*t out of my husband. Stans up for yourself. You know what's acceptable and what's not, so trust yourself!

[MissCanuck]

You know what he's doing isn't right. And he knows it too.

 

Given his history of shady behaviour, he should have known a hell of a lot better than to make a "joke" like that to another woman. No. Just no.

 

As Wiseman says, there is probably more you have never discovered. Your guy gets off on being inappropriate with other women, and he didn't stop. He's just got better at covering his tracks, or so he thought.

 

Don't let him turn this around on you. Lay down the law and think very carefully before you marry a man who is this sneaky.

[itsallgrand]

My thoughts are dump this creep. Then try dating a guy close to your age. Wonder how young this guy goes...

[used2blue]

You are not over reacting.

He was caught. This is who he is.

This will not stop. He has no respect for women is what he is saying and doing.

Apparently he doesn't respect or care enough about you or his job.

This is NOT about you!

Trust your judgement.

Respect yourself.

[positivelife]

You're not over reacting.

It seems he doesn't respect you or your relationship.

He seems to be selfish and you are still so young and do not need to be waiting for a grown man to figure it out and grow up.

You have given 4 years of your life but don't waste any more on a situation where you can't trust and makes you feel inadequate.

[Clio]

I am with the 'dump the creep' camp. This guy should have known better. It sounds like he never grew up. Do you really want such a person to become the father of your children? What kind of values would he pass on to them? He has shown you who he is : a cheater you can't trust. From now on, staying is an informed choice...

[abitbroken]

Another vote for ending it. This man is engaged and he should be excited about his bride to be, not trolling forums and sending shots of his nude body parts to women. This isn't an innocent situation of a coworker who normally just sent very brief work texts suddenly sending more than business related and your guy texting back "to not be rude." This is deleted and *YES* sending another woman pictures of body parts, masturbating while communicating with her, etc, *IS* cheating big time. The friend he may not be doing anything with BUT an unhappy marriage, the feelings of being isolated at home with a baby *are* ripe oppurtunities for him to "comfort Her".

 

I really think this guy is nor remorseful and this has been going on longer but this is the first time he's been caught. He is making excuses. If he did something stupid like ONE questionable joke to a friend and said after you caught him "you know, i didn't think about it that way, you are right, that was out of line." and never did it again.

 

I think if you marry him you will find he strays even more.

[HeartGoesOn]

His stupidity should be an insult to your intelligence. Send this clown packing...

[Capricorn3]

His stupidity should be an insult to your intelligence. Send this clown packing...

 

Totally agree.

[Hollyj]

He cheated on you! Not only that, but he is disrespecting you by treating you like you are a complete idiot. He is a manipulative, lying cheater!

 

Honestly, I can't believe you took this creep back after the first incident. The video is over the top.

 

Where is your self respect, and how can you trust this jerk!!!! Skip the counseling, and save yourself money and time!

[Hollyj]

"I confronted him and he says I'm over reacting, that it was a dirty joke with one of his best friends, that I need to get over it because he isn't apologizing. That i should know his sense of humour. He doesn't understand how I think that is inappropriate and disrespectful to me. He msged me today FYI : Arn't you glad I didn't delete that? Thats what you wanted wasn't it? Well from now on I'm deleting every text I get." ...When I got home everything was deleted."

 

His arrogance is over the top. This will get worse, as he thinks that you are a doormat, who will stay, no matter what. I would bet money that he has slept with others.

[ParisPaulette]

You need to nope the elf out of there and dump him. I went through that crap for six years, thank god I never married the guy.

 

Look, it is one thing (and I am not condoning this, trust me) when say two people have been married and they drift apart or something bad happens like the death of a child and one of them falls to an affair with another person - those can be recovered from if both people love each other and want to stay together and they do the hard work of fixing what they had back to its previous level of commitment. And in those cases the cheating partner admits they screwed up and they are gong to do all the hard work they can to win back their partner's trust and love. And that is the type of issue I believe and have seen fixed as far as cheating goes. Not without a lot of work and yes therapy on both parts, but it can be repaired.

 

BUT what you are talking about here is a guy who is doing this when there is no apparent trouble in your relationship or his life, he's not fully coming clean with you, he feels justified in what he did, and yet he's cadging for sex with strangers or getting off on sexual contact with strangers while holding out that he's in a fully monogamous relationship with you. That type of behavior signals serious dysfunction of the "I cannot be faithful," type and it doesn't get better. It only gets worse. I know because I've been through that and all the excuses and "I'm gonnas" in the world didn't change the fact that yeah, he wanted to have me and sex with strangers too. He liked the idea of cheating, it got him off.

 

And this is what you're facing. This and worse will happen again, not to mention his putting you at risk for STDs and eroding your self-esteem and confidence and making you have to be suspicious of him and never quite trusting him. This is not a love that will make you happy, far from it. I am going to tell you to walk and I wish sincerely to this day I had done so the first six months of my last relationship and not the six years of being gaslighted and cheated on that followed.

 

The type of behavior you describe doesn't get better. And his lack of concern, his excuses for why he did it show he isn't remorseful. He will always have a reason why it's okay. What it's okay he went to that strip club. Why it's okay he only had a coworker send naked pics, but they didn't do anything. Why it's okay he's giving Lorraine from the office a ride home again at 3:00 am. so isn't there when the baby is sick and you're at your wits end.

 

This is your future if you stick with this guy. And I really can't be any more blunt than that.

 

P.S. I also got told it was a "joke," that his friends hacked his accounts, that he was doing "research" to understand women better, so he would be a better husband, that I was paranoid and it was no different than walking into a room with a sex scene on the telly, that it was no big deal, oh you name it, he had an excuse for it. And that's the kicker, it was always an excuse, never an apology or a reason and he always acted like a little boy angry they got caught - NOT that he feared losing me. So yeah, I see a clear pattern. I'm sorry, but you need to wake up and toss him out the door. His disrespect and contempt for you alone is mind-boggling and borderline abusive.

[Knight2001]

here's another vote for dump him. move on, you can do better than this. think of your self worth.

good luck.

[nutbrownhare]

I can't add to the rest of the advice on here, apart from saying that the sick feeling in your stomach is telling you everything you need to know. Don't ignore it.

 

You have a choice. You can either go through the painful experience of letting this guy go, but to emerge with the rest of your life ahead of you, and open to the possibilities of new relationships. Or you can go ahead, get married and ensure the sick feeling stays with you for ever.

 

So sorry you're going through this. He sounds a total s**t.

[Heart of gold]

If u accept it now, he will only get worse. He's a grown man, engaged to be married and he's sleeping next to his fiancé, why oh why does he need to chat to another woman? Just pathetic.

You need to create some space between u and decide if this is the guy you want to spend your life with...

[thealchemist]

I do a lot of research about sex and trying different things. You don't do that chatting and/or reciprocating inappropriate pics with anyone not in the relationship. It is just a lame excuse. If someone is watching videos and masterbating that is one thing. But back and forth inappropriate interactions with another person is cheating in my opinion. It also sounds like he thinks he is totally in the right. This behavior will not change and will most likely get worse. Next he will try to convince you its not cheating if he used a condom or some other such nonsense. Cut your losses and walk.