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ParisPaulette

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ParisPaulette last won the day on April 3 2014

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  1. If he was mean to you who cares what else he may or may not have felt towards anyone else. From your description of the guy the only one he seems to truly love is himself. He enjoys lots of female attention and Amy was only one more page in that book, but as far as anything else goes she just probably got more air time with him, because she played along. Right now block and delete him, therapy is an excellent road to take to find out why you'd stay with someone who was horrible to you, and heal. Learn to pay attention to red flags at the first sign and not the thousandth one. Not judging, but it's definitely something you need to address, because telling someone they picture every new woman they meet naked is NOT normal conversation to the person you claim to love or be a partner to. In fact, come to think of it, it's not normal conversation for anyone. Also, ewwww. Really? Do you go around picturing every guy you meet naked? I don't know how the creep sirens didn't start blaring when he told you that. It was your cue to run then and not look back. Be glad you're done and be done for good. The guy's relationships with every woman including you were not normal. And you need to work on yourself before you ever enter into another relationship in order to figure out what normal is or isn't. And I'm not trying to be mean here, I've been where you are with a sociopath that wrapped me round the bend for six years. A fact I will forever be not happy about, but will use as a warning to others. When you see the first sign of "Hey, this doesn't feel/look/sound right," that's because it isn't. And you should pay attention to that. Bottom line you are fine to have broken up with him. But you would be fine whether he was an angel or a devil, because your choice matters and you do have a voice in what you find acceptable or not with a partner regardless of what anyone else thinks. I can't tell if you're still married to someone else or were married when you began with this guy, but that's another issue and one you need to address separately. It may very well be that it's a great idea to end all relationships and stay single while you get your life together. And I mean that sincerely, not to be mean, but to tell you to wake up to your own actions in all of this and to decide what you, not someone else, should be doing.
  2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzNRl6emK90&list=RDyZIummTz9mM&index=14
  3. I'm glad to leave 2017 behind. Ironic a favorite band would lose one of its own, a favorite singer of mine and his songs would be the ones I play when I think about my mother. RIP, may you both find peace and happiness wherever you are.
  4. The only advice I can give you is if you have to act like their mother trying to keep them from going to a party or hanging out with bad friends then you should dump them and find someone you don't have to do that with. This is so toxic. Yeah, he's probably cheating, and you are nagging and treating him like a jailer instead of being the woman who has so much going on her life that he and you understand there are plenty of other people out there to provide what he won't, if he wants to go that route. it's time to take the focus off of him completely, find something you always wanted to do, make new friends, go out without him and show him that if he's not interested in being trustworthy and someone you can count on there are other people who want to maybe take up that spot instead. Either he or you will have the realization that really he's not the only game in town and things will be better for you.
  5. Ghost ONLY if things seem weird or way off or they are sending up red flags of a serious nature. Otherwise, a simple text, "I don't see this going anywhere, thanks. Good luck in your endeavors" is fine. Then blocking and deleting and moving on is the way to go. I think it's a waste of time to draw it out and let the person "argue" their point or keep trying beyond the point where you know you aren't interested. No is a complete sentence and it should be said more often. That said sometimes abusive or people with serious red flags can turn violent if they are told no, so for safety's sake if anyone feels there is something wrong in those cases I advocate ghosting after a single text, "Not interested, thanks." One or two dates in a single text then never responding or letting them have a way to try and reach you to argue is probably the quickest and most decisive way to let someone go, so you can both move on to greener pastures.
  6. A single text, not a biggie. But this guy has serious red flags of the "my ex is crazy" "can I borrow your car" "I am going to pull our kids into this as quickly as possible to make you feel closer to me" "I need a favor" etc. etc. And the minute someone trots out "peace bond" and it's all just a giant ol' misunderstanding - or anything to do with court cases ongoing - it's time to bounce, OP. Also, this woman frankly didn't sound like someone who typically wants to chase off competition. They will usually be a whole lot more nasty and vitirolic and accuse the guy of cheating or insult you or name call. She didn't do that. She just told you in a rather friendly way to watch your back and not get so invested in this guy emotionally so fast without some wide open eyes. Also, here's another thing. How in hell did she get your number if she's not in contact with the guy and he "doesn't know her." Plus yeah, you are letting him have access to things like your car and child and life way too fast. Six months from now on the kids, maybe. A car, pffft, you are seriously leading with your chin if you let anyone else drive it and you have just opened yourself up to being used. If your'e married and together then sure let them drive your car once in a while since your'e both on the insurance and hopefully by that time you know you can trust this guy not to wreck it and leave you holding the bag, as you can drive theirs. But men or who women who start acting like "what's yours is mine" before you've even moved in together let alone dated for less than six months? Yeah, good luck with that. I've never seen a user who didn't pull that one and yes, I've dated a lot of men before marrying a good one. Overly charming? Check. Exes all crazy/out to get me. Check. "Oh hey, can I borrow that/have you pay for me/I'm just a big ol misunderstood good guy." Check, check, and triple check. Flattery, flattery, gosh I never felt like this before with anyone, the court system is out to get me, and we add more checks to that red flag list. Sorry OP, I know I'm dissenting from some others here, but there are just too many red flags showing up for someone you barely know. And you need to take a step back and ask yourself what's going on in your life that you are so hungry to believe this guy and try to quell the little voice in your head that made you post this in the first place. Personally I think it's too much drama, too fast and too many weird things. And your refusal to see it even though you know something is wrong or you would not have reached out in the first place is equally worrying.
  7. All the thing aside about "is he still in love with his ex-girlfriend" I see two major red flags with this guy. a) He is jealous and controlling of you and accuses you of things, which you haven't done - either from a guilty conscience or emotional/mental issues of being a controlling person with potentially worse behaviors on the way (Neither of these scenarios is a good thing BTW) AND b) he is obsessively trying to track down and monitor women that were in his life on a repeated, even obsessive degree. I mean, yeah I'm pretty sure most of the planet looks at their exes social media occasionally. I do, more out of morbid curiosity AND making sure a couple of them haven't purchased a house close to me recently (only half joking, one of them has stalking tendencies and still tries to contact me regularly). And I maybe do that I don't know, once every few years - usually if I run into someone or the one ex says something cryptic and I get paranoid he'll show up so let's say once a year for the sake of him taking the lion's share of that activity. I have exes I have never felt the need to look up at all either. BUT to repeatedly try checking someone's social media AFTER that person has made it private - presumably to stop their ex (your boyfriend) from continuing to creep them? That is a whole other kettle of fish to me and I'd end things right there and be ready with the restraining order if I had to. The scenarios you describe paint of picture of someone who is controlling and can't let go of people that were in his life and he should have moved on by now. And that is never a good thing. You can draw your own conclusions, but I'd be really on high alert that he continues to try to dig for information on an ex who set her social media on privacy. That's not about love. It's about control. And yes, you should walk not because of what he's doing to her or already did to her, but because unreasoning jealousy and false accusations against a partner is a clear red flag of a potentially abusive relationship. So stop another moment and take a look then yeah go review things online for how to spot you're in a potentially red flag relationship and should get out as soon as possible. Either way it's not good he's doing that, but I see worse behaviors and think you're focusing on the wrong issue here.
  8. So you called your ex out for lining up another woman and paying so much attention to her while hiding it from you. Of course he left, he was already looking for an excuse and feeding her the narrative that you are the problem. And probably this is not the first time this guy has done this, either to you or relationships before you. I know it hurts right now, but you just dodged a massive cheating bullet. And you need to remember that when he comes crawling back after he finds out that pursuing someone who would cheat on her boyfriend with his friend isn't going to be someone who will be a great partner for him. So send his stuff to him, tell him it's done and he's more than welcome to her, and block and delete him. You already knew what was up, because he was acting so obvious it's unbelievable. There's no one quite so stupid as a cheater who thinks they're being clever. And none quite so angry as they are when they realize they weren't quite as smart as they thought they were. You looked because he wasn't coming clean, but what in the hell did he expect? That you'd just look the other way until he dumped you anyways or cheated on you continuously. I'm sorry, but it's done. Tell him he's out of your life and to never come back and gather your support group or find a new group and don't look back. Six months down the road you will look at this and realize there were other serious red flags, because no one who is a good person and long-term relationship material pulls this kind of crap. Voice of experience.
  9. Subliminal hell, he out and out asked. Meme or not, yeah he was fishing all right. He's definitely a candidate for the CreepyPMs forum on another popular forum that I've seen. Also, gross. Block and delete, he hit that backpedal cycle fast to try and cover up his faux pas, but more are on the way if you keep in contact. This guy is looking for "fun" which is fine, but asking someone to expose themselves with no regard for a person's privacy or how those photos could be misused by a near stranger is not something I think is okay to do. Regardless.
  10. Well, I think you have your answer. You cut out the sex, he's no longer interested although he says just enough to make you "hope" he wasn't just interested in sex and nothing else. If you want a booty call he's there, cool. If you want more I'd look elsewhere. He doesn't want to spend time with you unless sex is involved, so what's the point? You can't make someone want to be with you in any way they don't want to be and as long as you keep hoping he'll somehow magically change to what you want, you are that much further from finding someone who would really want to be with you.
  11. In the midst of all this back and forth over whether snooping is okay or not, OP, one thing stands out to me. You are with a man whose character and morals are such that he thought nothing of sexting a married coworker. Let that sink in. His ranting about you snooping being as bad as an "affair" is pure psychological projection on his part as he is or has been having an affair or at the very least (yeah, like there's any least in that) he's been leaning awfully, awfully strong towards an affair with her. DTMFA and accept that when you snoop and you find out your partner has no boundaries and no respect for others relationships they likely won't for yours either. This is the point where you need to tell him that it's done and over with and you walk away. You will get over someone toxic like that in your life a whole lot faster than you will when he feels it's okay to cheat with her or another married or taken woman down the line, because whether or not you two were together if he's sexting a married woman at ANY time he's as big a cheat as she is. He's angry he got caught is all. P.S. Snooping is usually a pretty big sign it's over anyways, so it's time to pack things up and go home OP. It's done. Snooping to find the dead body does not make you as bad as the murderer. Snooping to find a cheater cheating doesn't either. But it is a clear indication you need to walk away and not look back, because heck I get why you can't trust the guy. But that's where you just don't let them come back into your life or you show them the door the minute you find it out in the first place. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. I'm sorry.
  12. You need to put the brakes on this fast. As in telling him, "Look, this is starting to walk to territory I'm not okay with. I am going back to being professional and a coworker only, you need to do the same. I will not change my mind and I expect you to respect my wishes about that." Then you block and delete him in all but office and work-related ways, treat him like a coworker, and if he persists go to HR and file a complaint. Also get the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker and read it, so you understand you need to be very clear in your "no" to this guy and expect him to respect that "no" and accept it. And that there is no negotiating or let's be friends or anything but, "I am saying no and you will respect that or suffer the consequences." Because not to scare you, but this is at best a massively uncomfortable situation that will make you both the fodder of water cooler gossip. At worst, there'll be sexual harassment which might spill out of the workplace into your personal life and beyond. Some will call me paranoid, but really all one has to do is watch the 6:00 o'clock news and you know it can get really ugly with people who already aren't that stable. Since a married coworker hitting on another coworker isn't exactly the picture of stability to begin with. So pump the brakes hard. Don't care if you hurt his feelings. He is old enough to know better and married, so end it and expect him to respect it and not try to control you or the situation. Get the book, look up his lectures on YouTube. Understand being clear and direct is the way to go on this one.
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