Out to sea

Jes Spatz, I feel for you man, having all the relationshjip problems bad enough, but being a Portsmouth fan too, god too depressing, how do you cope, I really admire ya.

Me thinks there will be aserious slump in b/card sales this year, ah poor Hallmark!!!!!!! Everyone, do you realise that in life, it is only when you don't want something or aren't bothered that you get it, but when you really need or want something you can often find you can't get your hands on it!!!! Bottom line, even if you want to contact , don't, it'll surely come sooner that way, probably when we all realise we no longer want it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About birthdays, this is still contact, if it is early days of no contact then you are doing more damage than good, it would be saying 'oh yes I'm still here thinking about you' and that will only undermine all your good work to date. It will be way more effective if you don't acknowledge the day at all. However, if you are gone beyond that and are having some delicate contact, there shouldn't be a major problem with it, but it should be done in a way that says 'if only you were back with me now, how happy I'd make your birthday for ya', for that reason I wouldn't consider gifts or anything like that. And Stingseed, don't you dare do anything for your ex, you know I know your situation and you are definitely in the absolute no contact stage!!!!! Hope this helps you all.

Hello all, my girl ended it at the beginning of Febuary. I was all heart broken and after some begging etc decided to give the ' No contact ' a shot. Well all was going fairly well for the past 4-5 weeks, didn't really get much contact from her but more than I thought I'd get. Last Saturday nite was a disaster, I was out enjoying myself and was actually feeling great , when towards the end of the nite I got chatting to a girl who was obviously interested. So as per the getting on with your life side of No Contact i entertained the girl in friendly if not Flirty banter, however, out of the corner of my eye I spotted my ex, staring over at me with a very angry look on her face. I froze for a second cause I hadn't seen her there all night. The club was finished and I lost sight of my ex. I was quiet bothered by the whole thing the next day and at half five in the evening I got the first of a number of very angry spitful messages from her, basicially telling me I would never see her again etc etc. I so wanted to talk to her that night but trying to seem all happy out and enjoying myself i didn't. I will not be contacting her now but I did write a letter trying to explain things to her but will not send it as i doubt if it'll do any good. I this case I think the idea that you should go out and date people to show you are moving on was the wrong idea, if getting her back was my only motive, however as far as doing myself some good 'no contact' has worked very well. So people what do I do now??? Did no contact with all it's benifits scupper any chance I had with this girl? Maybe the dating other people or even talking to other people can be a dangerous thing to do depending on your ex's personality. Any answers appreciated in advance.

Hello there, i feel for your situation and indeed there isn't anything obvious that i can suggest. Where has he gone, are you still in your old life or did you go back to where you guy's were living together? How old are you two? Only he know's why he hasn't contacted you, we all go on and on in this forum about no contact, you have carried it out perfectly and given him the space to sort his head out. Bravo to you for doing this hard hard task, however, you have no idea what's going on right? Is there any way you can find out on the QT? To be honest though a month isn't all that long for a person to try and sort themselves out. Giving him another couple of weeks might not be a bad idea, but you know the guy better than I do. Do you have any worries that he may have found someone else?? I know that that's a rotten question but maybe it need's askin! After this long you really have done well in giving him his space, he couldn't be upset if you called him, if he does get mad with you then i would be worried that there's something going on. Would you be able to continue no contact for another week or so?? If so i'd leave it in case he contact's of his own accord, but if it is really getting to you then call him and try get an idea of where's he's at. I know this hasn't been much help but it is a difficult situation. Let us know what you decide, you've always got someone to listen here. Good luck.

Hello there, sorry about your situation mate, It is hard know what exactly you can do Have you made your self clear as to what you want and feel for her? If you have then I'm afraid there is little else you can do, No Contact is your only option, if she is seeing this guy, you will not gain much from talking to her, I mean, if she meets him tonight and has a great time and then tomorrow night you meet her and start getting on to her about the relationship, that will make things way worse. It really isn't on for her to expect you to be friends after a long relationship. You need to give the both of you time to sort out what has happened, especially for you, it will give you time to rebuild your self esteem, cause even if she came back to you tomorrow, you would be in a right emotional state and that ain't all that attractive, if you are to get her back you will need to be in a healthy level headed state. However all this is worthless if she doesn't want you back so you need to prepare for that and accept it as a possibility. Give the girl time to see how she feels, she is obviously confused about things and you will not help by being there cause she won't get a chance to miss you if you two are friends. Explain why you are doing no contact, that you need time to heal, and then start no contact. I hope this helps.

Am, do your folks know how you have treated this girl since you met her ie. being very casual while she did all the chasing? You know the way some Mom's and Dads see there offspring through rose tinted glasses, naturally!!! Also,your folks worry about you and may not want you to risk going up there only to be rejected, however, you know this girl much better than I do, would she take offence to you heading up there?Or would she think that at least you made the effort? Did she tell you not to travel up there? You will have to decide but remember on this site people including myself have given advice to people as regards No Contact. However in this case I do feel that, that may not be best course of action. As in 'Faint heart never won Fair Lady' If she has already decided that she is moving on, then I would be more worried about the trip, however if she is still ' confused' or that this trouble has only happened quite recently then definitely consider it. No guarentee's mind you! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Am I think that at this point action is the only coarse to take, however about what to do when you get up there is important. I wouldn't land up there and knock at her door, I would book in somewhere then call her and tell her you are going to be there for x days, that you really want to see her etc etc and let her come to you. This way you are avoiding the confrontation that might occur if you land at her door. Also it will give her a chance to think about the effort you have made to see her. I think she will not be able to stop herself from seeing you( unless of coarse you really have messed it up, and she has met someone else). If she meets you , well you have your opportunity to make it up to her, and if she doesn't meet you, well you'll know for sure that you missed your chance and at least she'll know you really did make the effort. However, I would think long and hard Mark before doing any of it, if you don't think you are sure of your feelings then don't put her through it. Often we only miss what we cannot have and remember you did do alot of 'ah I'm not that pushed' when you had her. So be very very honest first. Good luck Buddy.

I found my self in that situation and to be honest once I found out about the other guy, it was sooo much easier than before I knew and was wreckin my head trying to sort it it with her. Believe me you are over the worst, once you realise that she ain't worth your love, and you are right, she WILL regret doing this in time, but it'll be just sooo too late. Grit your teeth and keep on rolling your well on your way now.

AM i pretty much agree with Spatz, except for one thing, I think that you really need to stop completely all contact of any kind for at least a month, simply because she seems so so mixed up, i think you will not be strong enough at this point to be able to handle answering her calls cause she has such a hold on you and it appears that she will only wreck your head even more. For whats it worth, this is what I think you need to do... Sit down and write a non-emotional letter to her. In this letter you need to explain what it is you are about to do, tell her you care about her, but that because of her horrid actions of late( and believe me they have been horrid, by any standards) that you feel that she has no respect for you, and that if she doesn't then you definitely do. Tell her you are not so sad as to be treated like that and for the moment you cannot be there for her because you have to heal yourself first. Try and not get into too much detail so as to make her think about everything she has done to you. Be firm in the letter, do not ask any questions as this will just make her defend her actions, do not tell her you love her( she knows dam well you do), And be very firm about the fact that you have to get away to sort you head out and take care of your needs. I know you feel that your situation is so unique, but it isn't really, it really isn't believe me!!!!! I think in a relationship, you have two people who love each other, who have TOTAL RESPECT for each other, and who fill each others emotional needs and wants. Now you must ask yourself, firstly do you meet your end of the relationship? I bet you pretty much do all things considered. Now honestly ask yourself is she fulfilling her end of the agreement? Well that doesn't even deserve an answer. Just because you love her is not in any way a valid reason to be there, she is totally letting her side of the bargain down, so she has no right to expect you to be there anymore for her. She doesn't deserve it!!!!!!!!! I think you should write this letter so she knows why this 'no contact' is happening, then start no contact and Stringseed, you have to be prepared to stick with it no matter what she does or says and no mater how bad you feel. I promise you in a few month's you'll understand why it has to be done. Get back to us and we'll be here to help you along the way but for your own emotional well being you need to do this for yourself, cause if you don't have love and respect for yourself, no one else will. BEst of luck buddy.

Hello Determined, Spatz and all posting here, I must get my 2 cents in at this point. Determined, I know how you must feel about this 'Irish .......' less of the Irish bit please, guy, the reason you are going along doing good and then feeling like crap when you hear news is because you are holding out for her to come around, now you do want that to happen but when this happened to me and it did, my ex started dating this idiot and I had to see him hanging around our area every day, I had to accept it and face the facts that she was with him for good. Now this was very hard for a week or two but once I'd given up the ghost of her I was a lot happier, even more happy than if I didn't know about him and didn't see them regularly and was waiting for her to come back. It took her six month's to come and say she wanted to get back with me. The reason it was better to accept that you won't get her back is because as long as you are waiting for her, even though you feel that you are doing well, you stop moving on, you are waiting and waiting, if you give it up and accept that she is gone, you really do stop waiting and in a while you will stop wondering what's going on cause you EXPECT her to be happy out with him. If you expect her to be happy out with him, hard and all as it is, you will accept it and finally start living again, and if she does come back to you, as my ex did, you will feel in a much better position to know whats best for you. If I didn't explain myself, please let me know.

I do hear what you are saying about the fact that she can't trust anyone else, but the fact is she was talking to the man who really loves her about the fact that she is having sex with another man is may be pregnant. I will miss you when you are in no contact, she will be lost without you as she has expressed but that is not a good enough reason to stay around. She obviously has a lot to sort out in her head about what and who she wants but if you stay in contact with her while she does this,it will take alot longer to achieve and will cause you untold heart ache, believe me, if you do care for her, let her know that but you must, for your own sanity get away from her, heal the hurt that you MUST be feeling and take it from there. It took my Ex 6 month's from when we broke up, that's eight month's after she got 'confused', before she finally realised it was me she wanted. Now if I had stayed around it probably have never happened, and by the way I loved her very much for month's after the break up, but when she did come back, I told her to go scratch!!!! You are not going to do anyone any good in hanging around, maybe her a little bit, but i thing she needs to experience this no contact tooso as to really know what's going on.

Please look at my reply to you in Gary79's post, hope it is of some help to you.

Hello, God what's going on today HUH? I'm afraid you gotta get away from her right now mate, she is treating you like muck!!!! You are going to get so much more hurt here if you do not start no contact right now and try and get your self respect and heart back. I know that you love her and you want her back, she knows this and what is she doing?? Treating you like dirt. I'm not saying that she is a bad person or anything but it looks from this perspective that she is wholly confused and as a result is treating you horribly, calling you to tell you she is worried that some other guy might have her pregnant, when she knows how painful that is for you to talk about stuff like that, what is she like??? Man you should run from her for at least two or three month's, don't have any contact at all if possible, then maybe you might be in a position to have an honest look at this girl and ask yourself if she is worthy of any bit of your love!!!!! I bet you'll think you're well rid! I sorry for this fairly rough reply but man I feel for your situation, and it reminds me of how blinding love really can be.

Hello Gary, I'm really sorry for your situation, I know what it's like in this situation and I must say that I did pretty much exactly what you did, I told my ex I'd wait for, no pressure, I wasn't going to be with any one etc etc, and I must admit that I couldn't have done things any worse. I know you'll hate to hear this but I'm afraid from your last post it looks like you are going to have to bite the bullet here. She knows you love her, she knows now you'll wait for her, she knows that if she get's lonely or what ever that you'll be there waiting, she doesn't even have to worry about you finding anyone else cause you're a monk now!!!! You have made it all so much easier for her now not to come back in any realistic time span and who is going to go thru hell while this is dragged out? yes you!!!!!!! I'm afraid you are going to have to give up the ghost now, and start living your life as if she is lost forever, I'm not saying that that is what will happen but if you don't start thinking about life as it would be without her then you are in for a really really rough time. She holds all the cards and you need some of them back. My ex said to me she needed time etc to sort her head out and I did get a statement like you did regarding the seeing other people stuff, she proceeded to see plenty of fella's but after about six month's on the other side of life she came crawling back, the exact same night as she saw me out with my new girlfriend!!!!!!! I guarentee you if you get on with your life without her, and in time start seeing other people as she most likely will do, nothing will sort her head out faster, she needs to feel like she can't walk all over you, that you have moved on, that there are other woman out there that you could be happy with. She needs to feel that she is at seroius risk of loosing you for ever. You never miss something as much as when you CAN'T have it. Believe me I understand your feelings when you said you would wait, but you can't do this. I know it's hard but it is the best way. As they say let them go and if they come back!!!!! I really hope you can understand why I'm saying these things and if you would like any more help you can post any time. Best of luck!

Am it appears that this guy doesn't know what he wants right now, he is young too? and is still confused and hurt over his x who cheated on him. My advice is, whether you do get back together or not, is that you need time away from him to heal yourself and take a long hard look at this relationship, I thing in time you will not want to get him back cause of his confusion. If he contacts you in the next few months I would believe little of what he says as it's probably going to be babble coming from his confusion and/or loneliness. Give both of you guys a few month's and see what you're both feeling then. Hope this helps even though it's never easy to do.

Just to let you know, I did get a reply and it was very very frosty so be happy you havent heard anything, as to why she hasn't replied, well it'd only wreck your head to try and figure that one out. C ya.

Hi Determined, you caved this morning and txt, as I did too and same as you no reply !!! Ah balls, anyways I'm not gonna give it any more thought, has anyone else doing this no contact thing got the feeling that as time passes you begin to feel less and less angst about the whole thing? I would still dearly love to get her back but I don't seem as afraid of not getting her back. Saturday morning I actually wondered to myself if I would have her back( that's of course taking that she came crawling!! Highly unlikely). Anyways that's life. enjoy today all.

Hello there, it is one of the worst situations, having all these feelings for someone when they want to be just friends, there is only one thing you can do now me thinks, you have to get away from them for now, this will do two things, firstly it will just make it soooo much harder for you each and every day if you keep seeing him and talking to him, take it that the relationship you had with him is DEAD, even if you start another one with him in the future, you need time and space to heal from this hurt. You will do this so much faster if you avoid him altogether. It is very hard to do this but believe me it is the easiest way right now. You shouldn't speak to him until you are healed enough to not be effected by, you two being just friend, but this will take time at least a couple of months. Secondly, this no contact will give him time to sort out his feelings, he WILL miss you so much more if you are not there as a crutch if he feels lonely or whatever. In time he will know what he wants and if he tells you he wants you back you will have a better idea of what to do. This no contact phase really does level the playing field in your favour as right now he holds all the cards,right! We all know here how crap you are feeling right now but IT WILL GET better with some time, meanwhile try to keep yourself busy, do something new, exercise work on things you might want to improve in yourself, and if you do feel the urge to contact him, don't do it , think about it over at least a few hours, log in here or call a good friend, anything but contact them. If he contacts you don't reply. Read ' luckystars' or ' the Morrigans' posts on the no contact rule, they really are inspiring posts. Anyways , hope this all helps. Good luck!!!!

Hello there, I was in a similiar situation but for different reasons, if you have said all there is to be said,then all you can do is give the girl some time with no contact to figure out what she wants.it is sooo hard to do but it looks like thats all you can do. She is young so maybe you should be prepared for the worst as people I think are still growing and changing at twenty. I know you'll hate me for saying that but all I can do is be honest. I really hope it all works out for you, she is lucky to have you.

Hello again, read your last couple of posts and know axactly where your at. I knew meeting him would only lead to more of the same as i was saying. It's gonna take him a few month's I'm afraid before he's even pleasent to you. I'm sorry for your horrid feelings but you must try and avoid him as best you can, if you give him any chance at the moment to say anything to you it will more than likely be something that will depress you. He feels like a god at the moment cause he is holding all the cards and it's a power trip. All you have to do is take that power away from him. How to do that i hear you ask! Well it's that feeling for him that he has wrecked your world he knows this cause you told him! It's one of the really ugly sides to human nature and i think most people have the ability to show it, by avoiding him entirely and getting yourself stronger you will deny him his power trip and he'll soon realise that his situation ain't that great after all. The opposite of love definitely ain't hate, it's apathy! It's very very hard to fake apathy when you meet someone, but he'll see it straight away when you feel that way about him, and it'll scare the hell out of him. Jodie i think you really need to avoid himal together for a while and cut his power trip. It will do you the most good and do him the most harm. If you can do this it will definitely get easier with a little time. If there is anything i can do to help jodie let me know cause i know all of us ' strangers' here are wishin you better.

Thanx for the reply amilasiu, i definitely agree with what you've said but to be honest I really feel that I have said exactly how i feel in a non pleading manner, it's just with all the x trouble and stuff she seemed to think that it was my fault, like i should be able to stop her doing these things but without talking to her. How was i to do that????? The last year was also a very rough one for me, work health scare etc etc and I felt it was just going to take a bit of time for everything to settle down a bit, I told her this but she maintains that after 9-10 months if it ain't happening now it ain't ever gonna happen,

Hi everyone, Just a few q's on the whole 'no contact' as regards wanting your x to re-consider. My x and i broke up about 2 wks ago, I am i must say doing quite well, the first week or so i did do the begging and pleading bit but after reading 'Luckystars' post on 'No contact' I sent her a txt saying that she was right to want out and i would accept that and i would get on with my life. Problem is in regards to what type of person she is , she hasn't had a long term relationship before, just a couple of months, she is one tough lady as in really not wanting people( includes me now) to see her upset or hurt. She often left me waiting on her to call and i don't think she'd give in and make contact, mainly cause in our 10 month realtionship my x gave us a lot of hassle, always stirring things up lying saying i was sleeping with her etc. and I know she often wondered if i really loved her, sometimes i can be a bit slow to realise how i feel about someone and i think i wasn't there in expressing my love for her before she had decided to give up on us. She is such a different person than anyone I've been with before and it can take a while to feel the relationship out and make comfortable boundries. I have always been very forgiving in realtionships and hasve forgiven infidility on one occasion, I thought that it was showing security in myself not to be always asking questions, but i think my g/f thought that that was a sign of me not caring or something. The problem is that if i continue this no contact thing I'm afraid she'll think ' ha i knew he didn't love me cause he seems to be so happy now being single look at him all happy out'. I'm really not sure about what is best in this situation. One more thing, a few times we argued about things and she said it was a bad sign, her mother had told how when you meet the right person like she did when she met her husband that there'll be no arguments at all. I donno but a row now and then can clear the air i think. I do love this girl was just a bit slow in realising it!!!! Any suggestions or advice greatly appreciated.

Hiya, I went thru a situation that's so similiar to ur's last year. Was living with a girl for 3 years happy out, thought she was the one and only, then literally out of the blue a week before xmas last year she said she needed time by herself, I moved home to my parents house. Had such an awful xmas without her thought I'd die, went drinking alot to numb the pain, the whole nine yards. After xmas we tried to sort it out, but it was heart breaking for me, she started acting so strange and cold, flirting with other men out in clubs, was always busy, always starting fights with me just to storm out. Then one day she was ill, off work, I brought flowers to her and she decided so calmly and coldly to discuss her feeling for this young lad at work who she was mad about. I sat on the bed, didn't get mad but sobbed my eyes out. She didn't seem to give a S... what i felt about it. One day she said she wanted to forget about this guy and give it another go, I was so happy, for 3 days!!!!!!! I took her away for a few days, spent thousands on her. Then found out that she was still talking to him a few times a day even though she had said she erased his no. I stuck with her but a few days later one of my mates calls me from a club explaining that my g/f was literally having sex with a guy in there. I was gutted yet again. She called me that nite at 4am crying and for me to call over. Of coarse i did, that morning when she sobered up i confronted her about the guy in the club, to my shock shge accused me of spying on her which i wasn't and being a psycho,which i aimn't. Then she said it was totally over and to leave her alone. I didn't of coarse, chased after her, pleaded with her, begged her to reconsider. All she did was do more hurtful things. I was willing to forgive all the cheating, lies and hurt all because i loved her. That was Febuary last year, I was such a wreck, the nightmare's every nite about her and all that, but one thing i didn't do was contact her again!!!!!!! In April i met another girl, and the first nite I was out with her my X came over to me claiming undying love for me after 6 months without a word from her, wanting to get married all the whole nine yards. I was so shocked I nearly fell down. I did think about it but what surprised me was I was without emotion for her anymore without even realising it. I didn't get back into that sinking boat with her again and I'm so relieved. She has spent the last god knows how many months sobbing every nite she's out regretting what she did. Why did this girl who was so nice hurt me so much? The green grass on the other side!!!!! She tried to give me all crap reasons why she did it but that's what it amounted too. I have forgiven her for what she did but my love for her is gone and in it's place is apathy. I'm over that chapter now and i have so much more to learn about relationships as i know i can be such an ass. I think sometimes love can make you blind, whether you leave or are left, the only way to get your sight back and see a relationship for what it is/was is with time as the medicine. Jodie23 you hang in there girl, grit your teeth and keep on going, cause it's like getting fit, the first while leaves you sore and exhausted but in no time at all it'll pay you back in spades and spades by making you the healthier person for it. I guarentee it. Pm me and let me know how you're doing won't ya. Bye.

Sorry for posting my tale of woe in with yours Kathy. Really hope things sort themselves out.