gary79

Emma, Thank you for your advice. I have been thinking about what you said since I read it but was undecided what to do. We had text each other over the weekend and she asked if I wanted to go round there Sunday night. I did and we got on really well. Nothing emotional though as I wanted to keep my distance as I know she still isn't sure about her reasons for getting back. As I left she kissed me on the lips but I didn't really react. I wanted to, but I knew it wasn't the right thing. We finished by me saying 'well, you just keep thinking about what you want'. I received the following text from her today: - Hi, sorry for messing you around but I think we would be making a mistake if we both got back together. We both can't go through all that again and I don't think it would work. I'm sorry but I need time to be on my own and sort out my head cus I'm really messed up at the moment. We'll sell the house and hopefully keep in touch and stay friends...I think you know it's the right thing to do. I couldn't just leave it like this so phoned her at work and briefly talked about the option of having time apart like you said, and that 5 weeks for 6.5 years isn't enough, etc. We couldn't speak for long because of work so I then sent her this text. : - Hi, don't feel bad about messing me about. We've been together for 6.5 years. I'm not just going to drop you because you're having a really tough time. Think about this, I know we both love each other but I also know that you need time alone to sort yourself out, that's why I didn't get close to you on the times we saw each other. What about having as much time apart as required, no timescale for you to do this. We don't need to start seeing other people, it wouldn't be a good idea, especially for you being so confused. If you want to give it another go in a few months, I will be here. If you decide you don't, I understand and will have no regrets or hard feelings towards you. I understand the pain you are going through. You need time alone to be yourself, everything else will sort itself out. Let me know what you think. I know people will think it was a mistake to basically say I'll be here to take her back whenever she wants but this is how I feel and I wanted her to know that there isn't any pressure. Like I said, I don't want to chuck away 6.5 years because she's having a really hard time and is lost and confused. One thing we spoke about on the phone that concerned me was she said we couldn’t stop seeing other people because it's not fair on us or the other people? Who knows what might happen? I don't really get that? I don't need or really think I want another girlfriend for the foreseeable future. Why is she almost saying we have to move on and basically see what happens? Why can't she just sort herself out over the next few months, surely it wouldn't be a good idea to start dating because personally, I would find it almost impossible to take her back knowing she had been with other guys? She has just sent me a reply saying: - I don't really know what I’m thinking at the moment. I can't say what's going to happen over the next few months but you know the situation... Sorry for everything... Where the hell do I go from here? Do I take it it's over and try and move on. Do I move on but have nothing to do with other women incase she comes back? How do I know she wont meet other men, especially when she's so messed up and confused over everything. Please anyone give me some advice. Thanks so much for reading and I hope all you guys in particular Emma sorts themselves out and everything works out for you the way you want it to. All the best, Gary.

Emma, Thanks so much for reply. I have read it several times and what you said seems to make a lot of sense. I have a lot to sort out in selling my house and decided where I'm going to live. I have a dog and 2 cats that would break my heart if I had to give away, so I think to myself maybe it would be a good idea to spend some time apart and just sort myself out?. However, I still think how can you try to move on when you know there is a good chance you will get back together?. I don't think I'd be able to do it. I'd always be wondering if we will get back together or not, would I really be able to do this?. I will think long and hard about your reply. Like I said, a lot of what you said is so true and maybe this is what I need to do. You've got me thinking constructively and that is a good think Thanks again Emma, much appreciated. Gary.

Hi Dana, Thanks very much for your advice, I thought about while walking my dog on the beach. You really got me thinking and I appreciate that so much. Over the last 5 weeks I have been moving on really well. I have being going out with friends lots and really getting myself sorted. I know that I could live my life without my ex and was coping really well. I know that I would find someone else and move on. The problem is, now she wants me back that has changed everything, as although I know I could move on, I never wanted to, I have always only wanted her. We talked about this and she said that she felt the same. She said she knows she could live her life without me and find someone else but she doesn't want anyone else, she only wants me. The issues at the moment are what are her reasons for getting back with?. When we spoke the other day, I said how do you know you're not just wanting to get back out of comfort, because you miss the house, the animals, the way I treated you, all the things I done for you?, etc. This has got her thinking and she isn't 100% sure of her reasons why she wants to get back together now. She doesn't think it's because of any of the reasons I said but she doesn't know for sure. I thought about what you said about I must learn to turn my attention inwards and work on making sure that I have a full, complete life with or without her. The thing is, I think that's easily said if for example you have split up with someone and maybe been apart for 2 - 3 months with no contact and naturally realised that you can live a life without each other, but that's not what you want. The problem is, I don't think you can do that when you know that your living this life to almost test yourself because in the back of your mind you will always be thinking 'I wonder if we will get back together?'. It’s different when you have split and are living your life thinking you will not get back together as appose to living thinking 'maybe we will'. If we do get back together, I know there will be serious change. I have decided that I wouldn't want to rush back in to living with each other so would sell our house and I would probably move back to my parents like she has. We would basically start dating, just seeing each other 2 - 3 times per week and taking it really slow. It would be nice to have some money as well for a change as it has been a struggle managing our house financially over the past 4.5 years and we would make a lot of proffit selling our house. I really appreciate yours and everyone else’s advice. It's great to get a neutral opinion and it's really helping me understand and work things out. Let me know what you think Dana and if anyone else wants to post me his or her views, as before, I would be so great full. Thanks again everyone, Gary.

Hi Emma and Rrisalee, Just wanna say thanks so much for replying to my message. I wasn't expecting any responses really and especially that quick!. I understand what you mean about not being able to describe love. Maybe I'm just more emotional than my ex. If she asked me why I loved her I could probably talk until she told me to stop. I guess what I'm wondering here is does she love me as much as I love her?. If not, should I accept someone who doesn't love me like I love them?. All my friends say I'm crazy for even considering to take her back this time. They said that the last time as well. They just don't understand the situation. I know she is lost and confused and I understand why. There was so much wrong with our relationship. We both have to take responsibilty but it wasn't really anyones fault, it's all a learning curve and like I said, we are each others first real loves. I know I would do anything to try and get it to work, I just cannot quit hence still being here fighting nearly 5 months since it all started. Right now, I don't really know where I stand. The last time I spoke to her was in a text and she said said maybe I was right about her wanting to get back together for the wrong reasons. She said she needed to think about it as it was unfair to keep confusing me. I don't know if that means she's gonna contact me or if it's all over. Earlier in the week she was texting me telling me how much she loved me and that she missed not being able to talk to me whenever she can and waiting for me to get home, etc. It looked really promosing. I can't believe me simply checking the reasons about why she wants to get back has freaked her out so much. Surely she must have thought about this before she decided to put me through this week of hell?. Once again, thanks for your replies and if you are anyone else has any advice, please let me know. Gary.

Hi Everyone, I am new to the Forum so nice to meet you all. I am seriously confused and messed up at the moment and was wondering if anyone could offer any advice, information, comments or help towards my situation. It's gonna be a long thread so thank you from the bottom of my heart in advance for reading. I hope you can offer some advice. Both my Ex and I are 24 and we had been together for 6.5 years. She was my first real Girlfriend and we were each others first lovers. We had been living together in our own home for 4.5 years. In October she told me that things weren't right between us and they hadn't been for ages and that she wanted to leave. She said she loves me but we're just not like we should be. She said she wanted to just be on her own, learn to drive, go away maybe for a couple of months. It was absolutely devastating and we found it really hard. She moved out and went back to her parents the next day I got back home to an empty house but within an hour she was on the phone crying to me. She just couldn't talk, she was incredibly upset. A couple of days later we met up and talked. I blamed myself for everything. Our relationship has been sour for a long time, I know that and I believed it was because of me. I use to analyse things. It started with her past and was mainly this. The first 18 months together I use to think about things and question her all the time. It's wasn't anything other than I wanted to know everything about her, everything she had experienced (and there were a couple of bad experiences). It was only because I loved her and cared for her, it wasn't jealously. Anyway, I have always done the analysing but since we lived together (4.5 years) it hasn't been that extreme although like I said, I blamed myself and said to her it caused me to not be as loving towards her as I should. We decided to give it another go. We had a holiday to Portugal with her family booked for 3 weeks later. It seemed risky but we went. All over the holiday there was nothing between us. I was nicer to her than I ever have been, I done everything for her and was the perfect companion but I could sense from day one it wasn't right. We barely kissed each other the whole 2 weeks. I must have just blanked it out but when we got back I could sense something was right as she didn't phone me much and didn't seem interested in me coming round (she was still living at her parents). It all came to a head and to cut a long story short she told me that she didn't have the right feelings for me. We split up again and I went thought a world of hurt for the second time. We were apart for around 4 weeks but all through that time we had contact. She would phone me for silly things like reminding me I had a dentist’s appointment, etc. We saw each other in the village because we lived close, etc. There was a lot of contact. We ended getting back together. She said she wanted to give it another go and I did to. I have always loved her more than life itself and never ever wanted to split up. We got back together and she moved back in. She told me she loved me more than ever and the we would be together forever. We started talking about having children and before we had even discussed it she was pregnant. I was over the moon. I was concerned about how how quickly it had happened but wanted to be a father. Unfortunately she had a very early miscarriage and lost the baby. We were both upset but tried to move on. Things seemed fine for a few weeks but about a week after Christmas I sensed she wasn't herself. After we had got back together we had a great love life and were texting and calling each other all the time. Suddenly she stopped telling me she loved me. Didn't instigate any texts, nothing. I didn't bring it out into the open as I blamed my analysing again although I was barely doing it. It god bad an I asked her one day if she had any regrets about us getting back together, She said she didn't want to talk about it. The same night we went out for a lovely meal with my parents. She was kissing me, holding my hand, etc, it was great. I thought 'It's going to be ok, we're going to get through this'. The next day I came home to a letter with all her stuff gone. I was devastated. The main part of the letter was 'If you love someone let them go. I do love you but not as a partner anymore, more like a friend. It has been hard because you have been the perfect partner, etc'. 5 weeks passed. (Were getting there - trust me!!) and she phoned me last Saturday at 2.30am, crying on the phone. I said what's happened? I was really worried that something bad had happened. She said she had seen me in my car that night and she has so much going on in her head at the moment. I said we would talk in the morning. I didn't sleep a wink as expected. We talked the next day and basically she said she missed me so much and had done for 2 weeks. We started texting each other lots. She told me she has made a huge mistake and it has taken everything that's happened to realise what she's got and that she loves me loads and would love nothing more than to get back together. I asked all the usual questions like why did you leave me 3 times? etc. She said it was because we had no sexual chemistry and had become like friends. This was very true. Another major factor was that we never talked about stuff. I never wanted to bring anything out in to the open because I always felt I was the sole blame for our problems and that if I could sort out my analysing, it would sort out everything and we would be fine. I even had planned to propose to her in Portugal. As soon as she phoned last Saturday I was thinking about getting back together. I knew I wanted to the moment I thought she did. I always have. We saw each other last Thursday. She made my heart melt but I knew I couldn't get emotionally attached. I needed to try and understand everything that had happened and why she wanted to get back together. My main questions related to why she wanted to give it another go. How do I know it isn't because she has realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, that there a lot of bad blokes out there, that she wasn’t just getting back with me because I treated her so well, out of comfort, etc. She said it wasn't any of these and that she just doesn't want anyone else, she wants me. She said she knows she could find someone else but didn't want to. One thing that bothered me was I said to her 'Why do you love me?’ All she could really say is 'I just do'. If she asked me I would be talking about such deep stuff, I wonder we she didn't? Anyway, yesterday (Friday) I was thinking all day how much I want her back, how much I wanna try again. I knew we would have to have some serious change and take it slow but I really think it could work. I was so tempted to just text her and say lets try again when I got a text from her saying maybe I was right. Maybe she would be getting back with me for all the wrong reasons and that she wasn't sure and that wasn't a good thing. I just couldn't believe it. Surely she should have thought about all the things I asked her and been sure before she contacted me after 5 weeks? I phoned her, we talked, we sent texts and basically the last time we spoke she was saying she needed to think about why she wanted to get back with me and was it for right reasons. I know she feels terrible for how she's messed me around and I guess I should be angry and just wash my hands of her but I can't. I love her so much, more than life. I would die for her right now but I just can't understand everything that's happening. It's such a mess. As an outsider, please tell me what you make of it. I would so appreciate anything that anyone can tell me. I expect there will be negative replies but I handle anything. Just be truthful and tell me what you think. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this huge message. One day when I get through all this I hope to be a regular and try and help other people myself. All the best, Gary.