emma

I'm sorry to say this, but you haven't moved on at all, and in order to start mocing on you have to acknowledge this, and you have to do your best for getting out of this prison you have locked yourself in. First you have to understand that you don't need her, you want her, or you want the image you have of her. Neediness is a push factor, it prevents people, including her, to be willing to get involved with you. It's the same for anyone. No matter how much you have loved her and still do, you have to realize that she has been insulting you by making fun of you like this after the break-up. This new guy has nothing to do with that. It's between you and her, and she has deliberately attempted to bring you down, and this is anything but love. People change, and you have to accept this, you will not change her, unless she wants to change herself. My ex-boyfriend was a very sweet person when we met and after, people like him a lot, he had his little defaults, like anybody, but overall he was a very good guy that I appreciated so much, that people he met liked a lot, very friendly, available, caring, funny, enjoying little pleasures and always trying to please people, to make people happy, including me. He was like this until one year ago when he dramatically changed in such a short period of time, and now he is the total opposite of who he used to be. I tried to change him back, I tried to convince myself that it was just a crisis, that he would show is nice side again, that he would 'get back to normal'. I talked and talked and talked with him, then I had no contact with him, until the day he contacted me again and after few days he told me he was missing talking to me, and we had a conversation about him and his life now. It was really good, and for few days I had the illusion that he was becoming 'himself again', i.e. the guy I met and fell in love with. But it was an illusion, I had to admit that he was just a different person now, a person that I can't be willing to be with if I'm caring for myself. I still love him, but I don't want to see the person he is now. That's what made me start to move on. I still have a long way to go before healing, but I'm getting better day after day, although I miss him. But at some point you have to give up on hurting yourself by looking for something that you will not find. Maybe in some time, but it will take a long time. Now, think about your ex-girlfriend, would you ever have fallen in love with somebody who acts the way she does right now? I'm sure the answer is negative. Don't wait for her to be again the one you fell in love with, it will probably take a long time, and you never know if it will happen. So it's better to move on, to force yourself to forget about it, and if you do it as much as you can, it will come. Many people went though this, and after some time they realized that they were worth much more than being in this waiting situation that prevent them from having good self-esteem, to meet noew people, to enjoy life...etc. But you have to commit yourself to do your best for moving on, and to understand that you will not change her. Maybe in few months, in few years she will realize what a mean person she has been and she will have some regrets that might drive her back to being the nice person she was when you met her. But dont' wait for that, it might also never happen, she might just be satisfied with who she is now, and there's nothing you can do about that. Actually, the more you will try to change it, the less likely it will be to happen. Good luck, Emma.

Hi Brit, Just be patient and keep doing the good work on self-improvement, it's really good for yourself anyway, and whatever is doing good to you will show outside in some ways anyway. Let him have the best image of you ever, and let him appreciate those positive changes in you. Others will appreciate it too, and don't forget to appreciate it yourself too. Do it for yourself first, be driven by building your happiness by yourself, and other will join you in this, hopefully he will too. I don't know much about your story, I just wanted to send some encouragements... Take care, Emma.

Do you have any clear idea about her intentions towards you? I mean, if she is still seeing this guy and/or talking about him, maybe you should consider just being friend with her for now... I mean without physical contact, and see if she really wants to be with you in an exclusive dating relationship, if this is what you want of course.

The Morrigan is (once again providing very very important advise, that I would recommend you to follow. I have not thought too much about what the Morrigan said before, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Being a dad might not be something he is dealing very well at a personal level right now, but if you give him the opportunity to do so by leaving the house when he comes to visit, it will be good for him, it will be good for the baby, and it will be good for you because you will not be tempted to have intimate contacts with him and you will get few hours for yourself which is very precious for a new mother. It will also give him time to sort out his feelings towards you and his position towards the relationship. Maybe all what he needs is this ooportunity to become a father on his own. As far as you're concerned, you need to take time away when he is visiting. He does know anyway how much you love him, so it will not hurt more the relationship anyway I believe. You need to take some time to relax, to see other people. Take great care of yourself, and get as much support from your friends as you can, and from the wonderful people on this forum.

Hi, I'm really sorry for what happened to you. It might be so hard for you who just got a baby, I know how emotional women are for few months after having a baby. I'm sure you're going to receive a lot of supportive words from people on this forum. Your situation is extremely tricky, due to the baby and the fact that he is coming everyday. This thing with getting initimate is understandable in this situation, it is really hard to fight your physical attraction for both of you, especially if you love each other and still see each other everyday. Being intimate makes it really hard to really sort out other things. I would advise you for now to avoid as much as you can those physical contacts, because it makes you extremely confused, and I'm sure it makes him confused too, so he cannot really sort out his feelings and what he really wants. Since there's a baby involved, you cannot cut loose with him anyway. You too have to think about the baby first, and that's what you're doing anyway. But I would just advise you to fight any temptation of getting intimate with him for now, and to fight any attempt from him. I know it's really hard, but I believe it would be much better eventually. Try your best for not discussing the relationship with him for a while when he comes and sees his son. Try to keep it very casual (I know, it's easier said than done), try to relax and take great care of yourself. I hope you have friends you can see and talk with too, that you have people around to chat with. Wish you all the best, take care.

You can send her a very quick note saying 'I just thought of saying happy birthday. Take care', that's it, something pretty unpersonal, without emotions, in an e-mail preferably. It's hard to understand why she will miss you when you don't contact her, but that's how it is, that's simply how it is. That's human nature, even if she is with a new guy. Humans are like this, they miss what they don't have and what they're losing, the less you are around for now, the more she will miss you. Why not trying, since anything else has failed? You have nothing to lose in doing so... Oh, and go clubbing if you feel like it, but do it for yourself, but I don't think that hooking up with a girl in front of her right now would be very credible, and I don't think that it's fait to the other girl. Why not just going with your friends and this girl and just have fun without hooking up with her on purpose?

I would advise to you not to contact her for a while. As you said there's some power game in here. You care for her and for her children, but what about you? Do you want to maintain the situation like that? If you're suffering I would advise you to think deeply about whether or not it's worth it to pursue this game. I understand it's a difficult situation, but whether she is stubborn or not will not matter if she truly loves you. If so, she will come back. If not she should move on and think about your own life. If this can help you, my ex-boyfriend is the most stubborn person I know, he didn't keep contacting me when he saw that I was not returning his calls. After one month of no contact he came back to me, when I showed him that I was doing ok, that he didn't want to be with me I was not pursuing him and the relationship anymore. Hope this helps, Emma.

I agree with Mar. Being there, not pushing, but making it clear that you care for her and for this baby is the right thing to do. If you get to talk to her, just make it clear that you're not calling to have an argument nor to blame her, nor to hurt her, but because you really care, and you wanted to know if she was doing ok, if you could do anything for her, and if the baby is doing ok. You might not ask her too specific question though about whether or not she did this and that about the baby, at least for now, as she might think that you don't think she can handle that, that she is not being responsible. However, I would also advise you to talk to a lawyer about the situation, without letting people and her know that you did so. It's just a matter to guarantee your future rights as far as the baby is concerned, to make sure that those rights are going to be protected. But don't let anybody know, in case it comes to her hears and she takes this as an attack. She might be very emotional right now. Good luck, I can imagine that this is a very tricky and difficult situation.

I totally agree with the post by lisaria, do not send this letter unless you want to widen the gap that already exists between you and her. She will take this as sign a weakness, she might dismiss it as soon as she will have read it. Sending this letter is chasing her, you're basically telling her that you would do anything for her, that you're all hers... You're not giving her any incentive to miss you. In this letter you're trying to convince her that you love her... she already knows this. You're trying to convince her that you too will get back together, and that when it will happen you will do whatever it takes to keep her. That's not what she wants. Very few girls want this. Very few guys want this either. It is actually human nature to want what we don't have, what is a challenge to get. Humans never care for things/persons as much as when they feel they have lost them.

Hey, Don't feel too bad about it, but don't call back. If he wants to hear from you he knows how to reach you. So let him call you back if he wants. You already called twice, he knows you tried to get a hold of him. You might call him back in one week or so, and if he doesn't pick up, leave another message just saying you wanted to say hi, but don't say you will call back. But for now don't call, it will make you feel worse. Don't worry too much about this, just get back to focusing on yourself. There's nothing that is so irreversible, just forget about it for now.

Hey, I replied to your pm. But once again I would tell you not to answer the phone, to remain strong, it will help you building up again your self-esteem, you will be proud of you, and she will feel it. You will not push her away this way, you will just make it clear that you don't take this kind of behavior from her, that you have some higher expectations as far as what you should be treated. Whe sill never miss you a much as if you don't reply her phone calls. She might already be freaking out about your changing attitude, because she was so sure to have total control over you until now. Remember, if she truly loves you, she will not give up like this, she might stop calling you, and this will be the big test. If you call her back as soon as she stops calling you, she will know that nothing has changed, she will know she still has total control over you... so why changing anything, she will still be in a confortable situation.

I completely agree with the previous two posts. I would hate myself for doing what you ex is doing. In this whole thing, you're the only one to get hurt, maybe the othe guy too, but certainly not her. She had all the comfort she wants, she always has a back up plan apparently. Do you really want to be a back up plan? Nobody would, it's not healthy, it really harms your self-esteem and your chances to ever meet somebody who will love you and respect you as it should be the case in a relationship. The only way she will respect you is if you just cut loose with her, if you cut any contact and make her understand this way what she has lost, especially when she will break up again with this guy. Why not trying to forget about her and concentrate on your new girlfriend and see how much you can share with her wihtout your ex in the back of your mind? Doesn't this new girl deserve a chance to gain your heart? Be careful not to hurt this girl the same way your ex hurt you, you know how it feels, and don't do to her the same thing, don't stay with her just waiting for your ex to get back to you and then dump her the same way your ex dumped you, you're better than this.

As far as I'm concerned, I read, I go out, I see my friends for coffee, I go dancing (I force myself to do so, and once I have managed to go, I feel so much better), and I exercise (people have told me to do so for long, and it's only when I have started to do so that I understood why it was such a good piece of advise). Basically, as most people might advise you on this forum, just do anything that keeps you busy, very busy, up to the point that you had such a busy day doing your stuffs that you are so tired that you sleep like a baby (of course, if you're like me, for a while you might still wake up thinking of him, but in this case you get up and start doing something right away... for example, in your shower force yourself to plan your day and think about the people you're going to see, what you're going to wear, anything you can think about that is not related to him). If you discipline yourself this way, it will get easier and easier not to think about him and move on. Ok, here is another advise that sounds crazy but worked for me in those times I was alone and had plenty of time to think about him: keep telling yourself 'no, no, no' when you started thinking of him and you and him...etc. I know, it sounds a bit crazy, but it worked for me, so why not sharing with others . Hope this helps, Emma.

Hey, do not anwser the phone no matter what, you're never going to do any progress if you do so... and you will chase away more and more any chance to get back with her actually. Just keep faith on what people told you yo do on this website... Remember: you don't want to be abused, you don't want to remain in this situation that makes you suffer. It is hard not to pick up, I know this, I went through this. And then it is hard when they get it and stop calling, but eventually it's for the best. Now, if you want to write this letter, don't tell her stuffs like 'I can't stand seeing you with another guy anymore', if you say this you're once again giving her total control over you. She shouldn't be the reason why you don't want to have contact with her (or at least she shouldn't know this), as contradictory as this might sound. You should be the reason why you're doing this. She will be very surprised to see that you're becoming more independent from her, she will freak out for sure, because she is not used to it, she is so used to be able to control you and obtain whatever she wants from you (back to the impossibility for her under such circumstances to have 100% respect for you). Anyway, why don't you write a short letter, remaining polite but not emotional, telling her that you have cared for her a lot, and you still do, but it's time for you to focus on yourself and your well-being, and you prefer not having contact with her for a while, and that you would appreciate if she respects this. If I were you though, I would not write this note, you're way too emotional right now. Or, you can just not answer her phone-calls for 10 more days, let's say 10 days, and then after those ten days (which would be 2 weeks of no contact for you if I'm right), you can send her a short e-mail, not telling her that you don't want any contact, but just a 'hi' e-mail, just saying that you're doing fine, and that you hope that things are going well in her life. Something very short. I'm just saying this because I know that not even explaining to her why you don't really want contact with her right now would be much more powerful in striking her and make her realize what she is losing. In ten days you will also have got used not to talk to her and see that you are doing ok despite that. Then, sending her a short casual message would also be much more powerful than any long writing, because if it's long it means that you still feel you have to justify everything to her, which means that she still has control over you. Once again, as long as she will know she has contral over you, she will never be afraid of losing you and will keep the situation the way it is, i.e. a painful situation for you, which will get harder and harder for you. Hope this help, and remember to think twice before sending this letter, very often not doing anything is more powerful than doing things... I know, it sounds weird, but it's true.

Hi, I'm glad to see that you seem to advance in your understanding of the situation. I would advise you to keep those posts from me and Francis, and Spatzcolumbo (sorry I forgot your exact nickname again ) and to re-read them whenever you feel down and you feel like calling her and answer contacts initiated by her. At this point, you have to trust people who truly want to help you out... Look, on this forum, people don't know you personaly, they are just genuinely interested in helping each other out. That is the greatness of the thing. So since you don't have the emotional distance to know exactly what is the best for yourself, you have to rely on this forum, on your friends, on your family, whoever truly cares for you and is not emotionally involved with her. You should be proud of holding yourself from picking up her phone call tonight, you should see this a sign that you can be strong and stand for yourself. Still, it's going to be tough in the next few days, and you will have to be even stronger and keep up with the no contact rule, keeping in mind that you will see the benefits of it only later. If she wants to get back with you, she will have to work on it, because you don't want to be with somebody who doesn't respect you as much as you respect her. As far as sending her a letter is concerned, I would wait a little bit, like few more days of no contact before sending it. If you do write this letter, it will have to be short, straighforward but polite, just a clear statement of you willing to stand for yourself, without bringing her down, but making it clear that you do respect her but you respect yourself enough too for feeling the need to heal by yourself and not havong contact with her for now. Don't set up a time-line, don't tell her 'I want to have no contact for this or that amount of time'. Let her wonder about things, stop conforting her in everything, stop fulfilling her emotional need wihtout anything in return but pain and suffering. If she truly loves you, she will sort out her stuffs and work hard on getting back with you for the right reason.

The first thing you need to do is to concentrate on yourself, to stop analyzing what she does/doesn't do, what she says/doesn't say...etc. The situation between you too is really unhealthy right now, you don't seem to see that it's pretty destructive for you. You can have respect for her, but you also have to open your eyes. If you keep telling her 'it's ok, you cheated on me, you're still with this guy, you say you love...etc, and all this is ok', well, she will do it again, she will keep abusing your respect. What do you think would happen if you were saying 'enough, that's not what I want, I don't want to be fooled like this anymore, I give up and I want to move on', and if you were acting this way, i.e. no contact at all? Believe me or not, she will start questioning herself (she is not at all right now, she just want the comfort of having your approval of her behavior, which makes her feel like she can do whatever she wants), and she might start thinking that she liked being with you. But you will never know if you don't start doing it. Approving and forgiving everything she does is not an evidence of your love for her. You're not helping her at all and you're destroying yourself. It's hard to understand that somebody you love and says she/he loves you is abusing you, but it's the case in your situation. As harsh as this may sound, she show no respect at all for you. But she cannot be blamed entirely for that: you're telling her it's totally ok to disrespect you, so why should she stop? No matter what kind of excuses you're blinding yourself with. I'm sorry to tell you this, but she will never get back to you under those circumstances. Now it's up to you whether or not you want to keep suffering and killing any chance to ever get back with her.... and it's also up to you to start wondering if you really want to be with such a girl. PS: 4 days of no contact is only the beginning... If you want to rule to work for you you will have to be much more patient... It's tough, but with time it gets easier. It makes it harder if she keeps contacting you, but in this case you have to make it clear that you don't want to have contact with her, event though she might play with your feelings and guilt telling you that she trusted you and now you're turning her trust down...blablabla... That's unfortunately a typical situation. On this forum, people are there to help each other move on in their life, which is the only way to get back with an ex indeed. People are not going to give you excuses...

Francis and Spartzcolumbo (sorry if this is the wrong spelling, I don't have your nickname in front of me right now both gave you the best and most friendly advise ever. They are both sooooo right, and willing to help you by being a bit harsh but at the same time so realistic. Trust them, they are out there to help you. I will just emphasize some important points to my mind: 1/ even though she loves you, she is (maybe unconsciously) playing a terrible mind-game with you. As long as you will play her game, she will play it it, and, believe me, you're the one who is going to suffer so much in this situation. 2/ if you want to have a single real chance to get back together, you have to apply strictly the no contact rule. As long as you will tell her that you will always be there, and that she should get back with you, and that you will wait for her, she will never take it seriously. You have to understand that she is not in such an uncomfortacle situation, na matter what she says, she can go around, sleep with another guy, and know that whenever she needs some true support, to feel important, to talk about personal things, she can just call you and you're all hers. Isn't this an abusive way to relate to somebody she supposedly loves? She has a total grip on you, she cannot have 100% respect for you, which is the aboslute basis for a love relationship. Do you really want to prolongate this situation? If not, well, you have to stick to the no contact rule, no matter what. Once again, your situation is not unique, even if it hurts because we all believe at some point that our relationship is soooo unique. It's not the case. As Francis told you, you might not understand now why it is important to have absolutely no contact, but you will in some time... It is harsh, it is really painful, but we can all do it. If she keeps calling you, well, sending her a short letter stating that you don't want to be in touch for now with her is not a bad idea (no 'I love you', no 'I miss you'.... nothing emotional). Believe me or not, if you keep acting the way you are acting now, if you keep being there whenever she wants/needs, you will never never never get her back.... maybe for a couple of days, of weeks, and then the same old story and pain will start again. The people who are giving you advise on this forum, like Spartzcolumbo or Francis know what they are talking about, and because they care and want to help you out, to help you feel better and maybe get back with her eventually, they will not give you some kind of silly sympathy and encourage you yo keep doing everything that harm your chances to get her back. One last thing: loving her doens't mean that you have to accept everything she does, being angry doesn't mean that you don't love her. Indeed, being angry and not accepting her disrespectful behavior towards you and letting her know is a big love present you can make to her... i.e. helping her realize how she is wrong in what she is doing. Hope this helps (and please keep posting in the same place, it creates a certain mess for people who want to help you and for other people who are posting on their own story... Thanks Emma.

Also, it's been a short relationship from what I understood, so you also have to wonder if it's worth pursuing something with somebody who seems to be very confused and acting pretty unstable with girls, especially since his break-up with this girl he stayed with for 2 years. He might just be in a cycle of rebound relationships. If it's the case, believe me, the last thing you want for yourself is to be a 'rebound girl'.

Hi, I'm a bit confused. So you gyus broke up very recently? If it's the case, and if you feel the reason is that he is not seduced by you anymore, and if you want to get him back attracted to you, you have to start by not contacting him for a while. Then you can think of some kind of 'strategy'. But for now you should just work on your self-esteem and 'attractiveness potential'. From what I understand with my own experience and discussing with my guy-friends, what is the most attractive in a girl is her potential to be independent and aloof. Hope this helps a little bit.

Gary, You don't have to give up on thinking that one day you might get back together. If you think that you will that's fine, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't take some distance and take some time. You're under a lot of pressure obviously right now, and what I was trying to explain is that if you don't want to be in this horrible situation again, you have to do everything to set solid foundations for your future relationship, whether it will be with her or another girl. And to do this you have to work on yourself and to let her do the same by staying apart from her for a while. You both seem to have issues with neediness towards each other, I mean emotional neediness (which I suffered from for long, I'm still in the process of getting rid of this neediness, and I screwed up badly in the recent past by believing to early that I was done with this process whereas I was not, and my close friends warned me about it. I don't want this to happen again, so I'm disciplining myself day after day, and believe me it's a struggle of every day). You have to find something interesting to do every single day, you have to tell yourself when you wake up in the morning 'ok, today I'm going to spend half and hour thinking only about myself and enjoy my own time (I don't mean analyzing youself, this process of rebuilding your confidence ans self-esteem has to be unconscious to a certain extent)'. After few days, it will be one hour, and then two hours...etc when you will force yourself to only think about yourself, about doing what you like in your life, about spending time with your family and friend and being a good friend/relative by being really present in your loved ones' life (not your ex-girlfriend's life though for now) i.e. by focusing on the time you spend with them and not having your ex in mind and thus not being totally yourself. It's a hard process to initiate, the beginning is extremely painful and requires a lot of efforts. But day after day it gets easier, and you feel stronger, happier, more in harmony with your true self. It's the same for your ex-girlfriend. She needs to find herself again by herself. You have to give her this opportunity by being apart from her for a while. She will love you evne more after some time, she will be very thanksful, but only after a while, because it will take her some time to realize that it is a true love gift from you. Don't be afraid of doing this, of not being in contact for a while. She will not forget about you, she will miss you for much healthier reasons that have nothing to do with addiction, addiction to you, addiction to your love and caring. She will start appreciating it instead of being addicted to it. Same for you. Always keep in mind this suffering you have been going through as a way to think about the fact that you don't want this to happen again. And it might happen again if you too get back together too fast. It might, believe me. For now you have to heal from this breaking up, it doesn't mean at all that you can't think that you'll get back together, but first you have to heal from this break-up, to heal from this relationship in order to prepare the foundations for a new start. Hope this helps. Emma.

Daedalus's post is of great advise and support (Daedalus, you've achieved so much in terms of healing in a couple of weeks! Congrats! Same for Luckystar, amazing discipline!), and of course the Morrigan's posts are as good as always... I seriously don't know how you manage to give the best advise always! Anyway, I would suggest to you to follow those advise, to stick to them exactly, not to try to give yourself excuses for breaking the no contact rule here and there. I did this before, and when we do this ('oh, I'll call her/him but I'll keep it short... in my case I need to do it because such or such, it's a bit different than for other people...Etc'), we only lie to ourselves. Be strong, stick to the no contact rule day after day... It works!

Hi, I've alreaday posted a reply to your original post, but I've been reading the next ones, along with the other replies to your message (by the way, I believe the other replies you got are of great value, dana makes a really good synthesis of what makes a relationship work: two balanced people who have high self-esteem, as I would say). Once again, you have to take it easy and to take it slow, even though I know it's easier said than done. Believe me, I know what it produces when people rush into getting back together in such an 'in and out' relationship... 'In and out', that's what my relationship has been, breking up, getting back together because of our feelings being strong, but nothing deep has ever been solved. Now I wish I had taken more time, even when I got so happy the first time he reacted to my 'no contact' behavior and I just jumped into his arms again, and then after a couple of months the same problems came up, a new breaking up, a new 'getting back together' ...etc. Even though I stuck to my 'no contact' rule each time, as soon as he couldn't take it anymore and got back with me, I went for it, I said 'ok'. What did this tell him about me over the years? That he could get back with me whenever, that I was all his. Is this attractive? Believe me, it's not. Now I've taken some distance and I've thought 'what if he was acting like I do with me, would I desire being with him?'. The answer is no. No matter how much I love him. As Dana said, love is not enough for building up a healthy relationship, it's a necessary condition for a healthy long-lasting and fullfilling relationship, but it's not enough. For sure she loves you, otherwise she would not be confused like this. Of course you love her. But do you really want to get back with her right now when nothing is solved? 5 weeks apart is unfortunately nothing when sorting out things that happened over 6 years. If you really want to get back with her (and once again you have to take time for asking this to yourself, time apart from her), the best thing you can do is to focus on yourself first, and she will have to do the same. Do you really want to take the risk to go through this whole same pain in some months when she will get confused again? You say if you get back together a lot of change will happen... you cannot force change unless you start those changes by yourself, changes in your own life. Don't be afraid of taking time, it's the best thing you can ever do. If you don't you're taking the big risk to go through the same painful things again. Also, if this can give you some motivation, do it for her too, it would be a veyr big proof of love in action, not in words (the song 'more than words' has helped me understand this, as silly as this might seem). Remember: you don't want to be with somebody who does not want to be with you as much as you do. Eventually bitterness and anger will chase away the positive feelings between you two. If you're wondering why she wants to get back with you, obviously you know there're chances that it's not for the 'right' reasons, no matter what she tells you. Remember that she is extremely confused and lost. And remember not to idealize everything of your relationship: there is much in it, there are wonderful things in it I'm sure, but don't forget the painful moments. Aknowledging them help a lot in getting stronger in the relationship and in life. The advise given by Dana are very good, following them is the best thing you can do... even though you might not see why they are so good right now, because you're in pain and the thing that you want more than anything else is to get back with her. The people who give those advise, including me, know what they are talking about, even though it took them a lot to apply them in the first place and to believe that it works. A main goal in life is to reach happiness, in order to reach happiness to have to get to know yourself, to go through a process of self-awareness, so as to be happy with your life and to be able to bring happiness in other people's life. Hope this will help. Emma.

Hi, I've read your post, you seem to love her very much, and I understand it's painful to be with somebidy who switches her/his mood all the time. I had this problem in my past relationship. I'm not going to give her excuses for acting like that, but I believe that you made the same mistake that I did: asking her 'why' she loves you. I finally understood after a long time that you don't love somebody because of this or that. You can't analyse love. Love is a feeling that cannot be explained like that. You might say that you like this and this in her, you might want her to tell her all the good things about you you believe you deserve to heat, but overall you can't explain why you love somebody. My own ex-boyfriend, there are so many reason why I 'shouldn't love him' as some of my friend explained to me, but despite all those bad things I did and all those bad features of his personality, I still love him (I doesn't mean that I would forgive him anything, I'm actually really mad at him right now, and I'm avoiding talking to him, but that's a different story). Anyway, my point is that the more you ask somebody 'why they love you', the more reasons you're giving them to think about why should they love you (which has no answer, but people think they come up with answers, at least for a while), and the more you chase them away. If you do want her back in her life, you have to answer some questions to yourself first: are you willing to take this uncertainty again (by the way, marriage does not solve anything in this case)? do you fell she loves you? do you feel that you're getting what you deserve? ...etc. Then you have to let her know what you're willing to take or not, but don't go through tortuous ways such as 'why do you love me'! Anybody who would ask me this would make me freak out, and for sure I would run away, because it's always much easier to find reasons to 'why shouldn't I be with this person'. As you said, you are always analyzing things, situations, conversations...etc. It's time for you maybe to stop interpreting and overinterpreting things. She is lost, she is confused, she loves you but doesn't know if she should be with you...etc. Well, after thinking about what you want, if you still want to be with her, let her come to you, take it slow and don't chase her away with all those questions. It's good from you (and for you) that you ask her to think about what she wants herslef, what she really wants, but don't go into things like 'why do you love me'. Hope this helps.

Best of luck, and let us know how it went 8) .

I agree with the previous post, in that sense that maybe he was planning to move away before and freaked out about having to tell you and discuss it with you. You have to find out in some way if that was the case. I'm pretty much in favor of the no contact rule, but if he is moving away you might want to talk to him about this. A lighthearted e-mail to get in touch would be the best and see how he responds to this. If you get to talk to him, be friendly, that's the only way to have a chance to know what's going on in his mind, what he wants to do in life and if you can deal with that. If you talk to him, at first keep it friendly, talk about him, about how he feels, don't show your own emotions (don't be heartless though, but put the focus on him without putting pressure, so as to know first what's going on). Keep using this forum as a support tool, it helped me a lot in terms of taking it easy and not doing as many mistakes as I might have made without reading the posts on this forum where everybody has been or/and is going through very difficult time in their personal life. People in here share their experience and it helps a lot because most people know what they are talking about... and the most important thing I believe is that some experimented people in here have this ability to make you understand that there're hard times in life but eventually we all go through, heal, get stronger and move on. Be strong, think about what's best for you too, and keep posting (you can pm me too if you want).