emma

I had the same concerns and wonders when I went out for the first time with my ex-boyfriend after the break up. I got good advise from people on this forum, it went really well (and is still going well, I just don't know what's going to happen next because I want to take it easy, I don't want to mess up). You can just go very relaxed, and if he stars talking about relationship stuffs you can just smile and tell him nicely that you are really happy to see him, that you were looking forward to relax with him, so you'd rather not talk about relationship stuffs that might bring some shadow on this nice evening, or something like that. You know him, you can think ahead of some things to talk about (mainly about him! but I'm sure after a while once you will both feel comfortable conversation topics will come by themselves. My advise though (it's just based on my personal experience) would be not to keep it short, but not too long... I know it sounds weird, what I mean is that you don't have to run away after 1 hour, but after a while, when you will have been having a good time together, it might be a good idea (just my own little advise once again to "cut it", so that it wwould create some sort of anticipation, so that he will keep such a nice taste of your evening that he might be a bit frustrated that it's ending when it's so nice, and he will probably looking forward to the next time you two go out together. It worked really well for me. However, if you do end up proposing to watch a movie at your place, keep some physical distance (so that to make him miss this contact actually), and just cut it short at the end of the movie (something like "I had such a good time tonight, I think I should go to bed now"?). Hope this helps, good luck!

If you are not sure whether you want to get back with her or not, you might not trust her and her will not to what she did to you ever again, so if you're doing ok right now, I would just recommend to wait before getting back with her if you still want to in some time. Just consider how your life is right now, if it is better or not than what it was when you were with her. I'm not saying you should never get back with her, but if you can't trust her right now, juts wait and try to see if you together can rebuild this mutual trust, and tell her that. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you, she will wait and she will accept it because it's for the best for the two of you (and if she knows that she will be true and honnest to you from now, she will have confidence in the outcome of this situation, this waiting period). Cheating happens, not only in young couples, maybe more easily in young couples but not only. It doesn't mean however that it's a 'precondition' for knowing what you really want in life. It doesn't mean that it cannot be forgiven, but it takes time, because it hurts. I never experienced it myself (not from what I know at least), but I saw it around me, it happened to some of my friends, and I saw the pain and the difficulty to rebuild trust after this. What doesn't hurt at least in relationship is patience and taking time, in order to avoid hurting yourself purposelessly, and to avoid hurting the one you love or at least the one you once loved with all your heart. Good luck, you can pm me if you want.

Same advise as Sarah01.... Go for it, go to her workplace with a beautiful bunch of flowers and your biggest smile, make her the biggest surprise ever, she will get emotional anyway, as well as everybody around who will be celebrating Valentine... The environment will play in your favor... Keep us updated... Best of luck!

The more 'space' you will give him (i.e. no contact initiated by you... and keep it short and just polite when he calls you), the faster he will come back to you, if that's what you want... but it seems that you're not even sure you want him back even though you love him, which I do understand if he is the kind of guy who doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. It seems that it is something that really bothers you. You cannot tell him what he wants in life, he has to figure this out by himself, but you cannot wait forever until he finally decides to make clear choices in his life and take responsibility for them. Good luck with that, and don't forget to think about yourself and what is best for you. PM me if you want to talk more about your story and life.

I will give my advise as a girl, as if I was kind of in her shoes... and it might sound weird but I would advise you not to send her flowers. Here is why: if I was her, I would be expecting those flowers from you, but I would not appreciate them at their right value, I would interpret this as a 'he is so in love with me, well, I can take my time then, I can live my life he will wait for me anyway'... which means that I would have no incentive to really sort out my feelings, I would postpone and live my life in some sort of confort thinking you're all mine anyway and always will..... That's not what you want, believe me... Girls need to desire their loved one, they don't want to take him for granted, unconsciously it turns our desire down. If you don't send the flowers, she will probably be disappointed, she will even probably be upset, maybe she will think that you don't love her as much as what she thought.... and that's why after few days she will be really missing you and think of you as somebody she can't take for granted, and that she will start thinking that she was lucky that you loved her the way you did (for sure you still love her, but she shouldn't be so sure of this, or at least she should realize that it might always be the case, and that maybe somebody else will still your heart some day and this other person is the one you will be happy to send flowers to). If you really really really can't help doing something for Valentine, just send her a very very short e-mail, just saying something like 'hi, just wanted to say hi... hope you're doing well' (don't ask her questions, not even 'how are you doing' because you don't want her to contact her just because you're asking for news from her).... But this is only if you really can't help doing something on this day.

I don't think the no contact rule can be harmful... If she doesn't want to be with you at all, if she has no more feelings (which is apparently not the case since she keeps contacting you), she will not come back anyway, so the no contact rule will only help you moving on faster. You don't want her back if she is not sure and happy to be with you as The Morrigan said. The no contact rule is actually the fastest way to sort things out in your relationship, if you're not around, she will see much faster if she really misses you and wants to be with you... and you will know it much faster too.

If i has only be 2 weeks and she already attempting to make contact with you again, maybe the damage is not so big... I would also recommend that you make a quick contact with her to check if she testing you or realizing that she didn't really want to break up. Give her a quick polite phone call and see what's up with her, if she is not sending some more signals that she wants to get back with you, then you can apply the no contact rule. See what she wants first before telling her what you want. Hope this helps.

Can you avoid returning her phone calls and text messages for a while, like few days, and if she asks why can you tell her that you need your own time as well now, and that as per her request you do not want to be hoping for anything from her part, which means that you need to start to move on as soon as you can so that you can heal and keep going on with your life? That would be my advise.... so that true she will miss you, she will see how it is not to be sure that she can get you back whenever....

I do understand that people need space and time sometimes, because after a while together the relationship gets serious, and people kind of freak out (I did freak out, my ex is freaking out right now, I've been there, on both sides of the fence).... BUT, she is not doing it in the right way. She is not taking time and space to sort out her feelings and fears if she is dating somebody else. If this can help you, believe me, this will probably not last. My ex did this the first time we broke up, with 3 girls, and even one year apart, he still didn't feel really good about it... It never worked because very few people can jump in another relationship after 2 years with somebody. If you want to get her back, give her even more space than she is asking for: do not contact her, think about yourself for now, don't hurt yourself thinking of what she is doing, who she is hanging out with, if she is the arms of this other guy or not...etc. I know it's hard not to imagine those stuffs, but force yourself... You say you care for her more than for yourself basically....I'm sorry to say this, but that's maybe what drove her away from you for now. Do not buy her gifts, do not call her to check if she needs anything, don't tell her you would do anything for her (even if you would). I did the same as you did, and it destroyed my whole relationship... My ex boyfriend is the first one to tell me how devoted and nice I am, but he couldn't be with somebody who did not set her own life and well-being as her main priority. At first I told him that he was so selfish to think this way, but now I understand, and I have to admit that he was right .... I don't know if we will ever get back together, I hope so, but what I've learned is that I will never be as devoted as I was before, to him or to anybody else.... I will never be selfish either, but I will always think of what is the best balance. As so many people tell you on this forum, the best thing is 'no contact' for now... Let her miss you, and miss all what you were for her... If she keeps contacting you, be there, be friendly, but don't be 100% available... keep the conversations or/and meetings short, don't call, let her come to you, and concentrate on your well-being..... No matter how much you love her, always keep in mind that she is the one who decided to break up and went for another guy.... I'm not saying that you should not forgive her sometimes, but now you have to face this pain and fight against it. As the previous post advises you, act as if you were not getting back together, try to move on as much as you can, and no matter if you get back together or not eventually, you will have achieved a lot on a personal level. Hope this helps.

You should read the posts about the 'no contact' rule... It's just the best thing to do... Give her time, for herself, for missing you, for sorting out her feelings...etc. If she wants to see you, be casual (that's what I'm planning to do next weekend when I'll see my ex-boyfriend after no contact for a month... he contacted me and asked me out after few short chats on the web), try to seem as happy as you can, avoid talking about the relationship, if she does, let her talk, just listen, if she asks you to reply, make it short. Then let her call you back if she wants to, don't contact her... Let her go through this by herself, that's maybe what she is looking for, especially of she feels like you that you've been living like teenagers.... Good luck... and if you feel like calling her, call a friend instead, go out, do something, tell yourself 'not today, maybe tomorrow', and do the same the next day.... It works, believe me.....

Thanks for the reply SunnyScott, That's true that I was kind of thinking of getting men's responses. I know him very well, I know wht to talk about, I know what not to talk about.... I've also learned not to expect anything specific from him.. He is at the same time predictible and unpredictible, that's why I fell in love with him... Argh! Love.... That's the problem, I've never loved any other guy (I'm 25, don't know it's that's weird or not). I want to see him because we both love spending time together, but it's been 2.5 months since we haven't gone out together, that's why I feel weird. I guess my situation is desesperately common Apart from the fact that a huge part of our on/off relationship comes from big cultural and religious differences (that I'm ready to overcome but not him and his family, however, I'm not willing to give as much as I did in the past anymore.... he is even the first one to admit that I've given so much in this relationship......hum, maybe I really gave too much.... I know this actually ). If anybody has some time to answer to one: if it goes well next weekend, shall I call him after some days or not? If so, should I just say 'it was nice, hope we can do it some othe time'?

Hi, I don't understand why you are wondering about this one yeat after this happened? Do you feel guilty about it? If so, have you felt guilty about it since then or did it pop up in your mind recently, as a result of the relationship between you and your boyfriend going bad again?

I've read posts from many different people on this forum, and I've decided to post my own.. Maybe somebody will have some time for replying. I'll try to make a long (3 years and a half of on-and-off relationship) story short. In brief, we met, we fell in love, after one year I had to be away for almost a year, we broke up, we got back together when we ended up being physically in the same place again (after some very troubled weeks, and a first 'no attempt' behavior, with the true will to move on a this time from my part). Since then, we have been on and off, for different reasons, the main one is that he is freaked out bu the idea of having a relationship (i.e. a serious one), even though we've lived together already (which was not a good idea by the way, my mistake, it was a really wrong time in both our life for starting out sharing an appartment). Anyway, the 'no contact' rule works, for sure, mainly for healing, which is paradoxically why the loved ones come back, because they are attracted to who they are about to lose and who are strong enough to keep going on with their lives, even though it hurts and they know it. It worked for me as well as for anybody I know who did it, but you have to keep going on with your life at the same time, not wait for the day he or she will call you back. It is very very hard at the beginning, after 10 days or so it gets much easier. Anyway, I should come to my point now... I had no contact with him for a while, after few events we got back in touch 2 weeks ago, he asked me to go out, just something casual, but I didn't want to cancel my plans at the last minute to go out with him, even though it could have been nice. Anyway, we are probably going out next weekend, and .... I don't know what to do. It's weird, I went through this before (with him!). My question is as simple at this: do you guys have some tips for me to make this an opportunity for a good new start? (we both know we have deep feelings for each other, but whenever it goes well for a while, he just freaks out and wants to break up). Thank you