majord23

Hang in there deejay, you're doing ok mate. Don't read too much into the fact that your ex sounded happy in her message - you're taking the analysing too far my friend (doesn't mean it's not normal, it's what we *all* tend to do). Besides that, despite the fact that I has miserable days a few weeks ago, I think I would have been incredibly excited to be heading abroad for a month....so your ex sounding happy in her message is understandable. Also, in regards to the length of your relationship - the hardest relationships for me to get over have been the shorter ones. It's because I felt that they hadn't run their course and there was so much left to find out about each other (good and bad) that would never be discovered. The honeymoon period hadn't ended so the majority of memories are great ones, and there are very few arguments and faults to focus on...which can make letting go harder. 'Unfinished business' if you will. You aint 'abnormal' bro - anything but (unless of course we're *both* abnormal )

Roxari, that is hilarious I can imagine it's quite healthy too - drawing the line under a lost relationship. It sounds like you've got an excellent support system there - great stuff.

Couldn't have said it better. Anything other than: "I want to be with you" means "I don't want to be with you". Confusion = keeping you around until she moves on. Get out now.

Right on the money.

There's more than one lesson to be learnt here. First, the obvious one about how breaking NC doesn't always bring us the response we crave. Secondly, the 'unaffected' way your ex replied should also be used as an example as to how we, the 'dumpees', should reply to any contact from the 'dumper'. Short, to the point and not giving them any comfort. It works both ways. Hang in there Lion-Guy.

Don't count your chickens just yet - but yes, it could be this easy daregveda. In the past I've had heartache disappear very quickly after seemingly spending an eternity in the doldrums. Why, I don't know - there didn't seem to be a trigger I could identify, or any specific event. All I know is that one day I woke up fine - it was almost as if my heart got tired of the pain and said "ENOUGH". Maybe it was physiological (the body not being able to cope with that level of stress for a prolonged period) or maybe it was psychological....but it was like flicking off a lightswitch over night. Even if this is only a passing feeling, you are well on the way to a more peaceful life mate and you should be proud.

There ya go

Enol, Your last couple of posts indicate that when you *thought* she was annoyed with you, you pursued an answer from her until you found out that she wasn't. THAT is a big sign to her bro, the fact that you would be *that* affected by *her* mood tells/shows her how much you are affected by what she does and how she acts. You shouldn't care, or you shouldn't give her *any* indication that you care. No matter how indifferent you are to her (and it could be for months), if she sees how much her 'tantrum' plays with your head, then you are back to being 'there for her' in her eyes mate.

See how it feels when you are unsure where you stand with her enol? If you are going to stay in touch with her, then *THAT'S* how you have to make *her* feel about *you*. I am guessing that, despite your best intentions, she still knows that she can have you if she wants you mate, you have to stop her thinking that way.

That's completely understandable mate, don't beat yourself up about it. You are in a very tough situation enol, and one that many (myself included) could not tolerate. I tried it with my current ex (for a short, short period) but when it became apparent that I would be putting myself in harms way, I bailed (in a nice way). When it starts to prevent you from moving on, and actually has you moving backwards you have to ask yourself if it's worth it mate. Only you know what's in your best interests at the moment bro...and only you can decide what action to take.

I'm going to be blunt mate. First mistake enol - she didn't invite you...so don't call to 'find out' about how it went. Don't even mention it. At this point you keep the interaction light and if her mood doesn't lift, you terminate....seemingly oblivious to her 'sour mood'. Don't buy into it...especially if you can't lift her out of it. This part concerns me mate. The 'finally' part. How many times did you attempt to contact her? One call....if she misses it, she knows that you phoned...and then you leave it. Any other attempt comes accross as needy. Maybe you only tried once, but the way it reads it looks like it was more than once. You call her, she's in a sour mood and then you keep trying to ascertain why...you're meant to be making her feel good mate, remember? That doesn't mean that you have to know *what* is wrong....it just means that you make her laugh, and if you can't, you terminate the call. It sounds like you were pushing her to share information that she didn't want to share....probably making her mood worse. And the contact bro - you contacted her and she ignored it, so DON'T contact her again....leave it with her. You know this enol, this is what the thread is about mate - keeping emotions and urges to contact under control. No mate, if you're honest with yourself, you were trying to find out if she was pissed with you. THAT shouldn't bother you bro. YOU are the prize here mate - don't forget that! YOU are the guy that is doing HER a favour by keeping in touch, if she is annoyed with you then YOU don't care because you don't need her or her validation. You go along your merry away and let her come to you. Like I've said mate - I'll be blunt, not to offend you, but to get you back on track: In summary: You contacted her and asked about something that was a 'touchy' subject. She didn't want to talk about it, but you persisted. You also contacted her, and when she ignored it you kept making the effort....thus making yourself appear needy and also (because of your interaction the previous day) she wasn't 'looking forward' to your next conversation. Now you leave it - you don't worry about why she is upset, or if she is upset by you. Don't worry about not asking to go to her graduation, it wasn't your place to ask....and it would appear needy. Leave her be for a while and if you haven't heard from her in a few weeks, fire off a brief email. Enol: Your goal here is to make her feel good about herself, and associate that feeling with you. That's what you focus on. You are not here to fix her problems....you breeze in and out and make her feel good. If you can't do that on a particular day (such as the above) then you terminate the conversation early and continue as planned a few weeks down the track. I hope this helps mate.

Tropigal has given perfect advice and I can't add a thing to it. Make yourself less available/unavailable and move on - if he chases, he chases....if he doesn't, then you're moving on.

Haha....yeah, like you weren't waiting for that at all Good thread mate.

Last night I made an effigy of my ex and christened it 'Jane'. I took Jane for a romantic walk by a river and told her that I loved her - I came home, cuddled up on the couch with Jane and watched some TV. Just as I was feeling comfortable, I reached into the Jane's chest, ripped out what was there, covered it in petrol and set it alight. I then sat back down next to Jane and told her that I loved her. Tonight, I think I'll take her out for dinner....and maybe a movie. Me bitter? Nope.

Great post. I particularly like the one above. One of my pet hates is when someone says "I can't be with you...AT THE MOMENT" or "I can see myself being with you IN THE FUTURE but not right now". Dangling carrots of hope.... I used to fall for those a few years back...but haven't for some time.

I'm not following you mate?

lostheart, you do seem reluctant to answer questions regarding how long you have known the new guy, or whether he was around when you were discussing reconciling with your ex. The reasons for this aren't apparent but it's only natural that people will then assume that perhaps this is a 'rebound'. Posters who are saying 'rebound' are not accusing you (rebound is not a dirty word), but are merely attempting to get you to analyse the relationship you have with the new man before embarking on anything major, or casting your ex aside for good. Keep in mind that we are all working with the very limited amount of information you have given us surrounding your new relationship.

Yeah mate, thanks for asking - all is good. No news with regards to the ex. I sent a friendly email wishing her the best a few weeks ago and left it at that (a short 'goodbye' email if you will). It felt right at the time and still does. I didn't get a reply (didn't expect one) and I'd like to think the chapter is closed. The reason I say that I'd 'like to think' it's over is because I still have days that are quite intense - although they've become far less frequent. As long as I keep NC, I'll be fine. Planning and plotting is my downfall - even now, there are moments when I think "I'll just do this"...once i start thinking like that, the anxiety increases and I take a step back. I had a couple of days like that - which was the catalyst for this thread. I needed some 'tough love' from myself lol.

There's no set time at all, it's all about how *you* feel. If you can maintain a 'friendly manner' without mentioning the relationship, whilst potentially hearing painful information (your ex being with someone else) then go for it. Don't put a time limit on it though - just go through every potentially negative scenario in your head, and when you feel ready to deal with ALL eventualities then maintain some contact. Some people will reach that stage, others won't. Remember, do what is best for YOU and don't worry about what your ex wants for the moment. It's similar to the decision they made when initiating the break-up (I'm assuming you're the 'dumpee'). You should be your number one concern.

I understand that, but how long have you known him and when did he come onto the scene? (was it when you were discussing getting back with your ex?).

You haven't said much about the new guy. How long have you known him/been together? You were having talks with your ex about getting back together - how long ago? Was the new guy on the scene then? Or did he arrive while these discussions were taking place? It would help if you could elaborate a bit. Your feelings for the new guy are the issue here - is it going somewhere? Or do you like him because it's all so 'new'? If you're sure about the new guy - tell the truth. If not, then you have to decide if calling things off with your ex is the right course of action - and if you spring this 'out of the blue', then you are running the risk of losing your ex forever.

Thanks HSA, Your words aren't lost on me mate - I am a huge advocate for learning from break-ups and analysing our *own* behaviour in regards to what may have contributed to the downfall of a relationship. This post isn't about relinquishing that responsibility at all. I am not proportioning any more blame on my ex for the relationship's downfall than I do on myself. My situation certainly opens itself to allowing that to happen however...trust me But this post was more about me getting to a stage where I realise that any more action on my part (in terms of breaking NC and seeking reconciliation) is futile. I needed to remind myself of that in no uncertain terms - that's why it is 'angry' in it's nature. I needed to tell myself just what I would be risking in breaking NC - losing my self respect and banging my head against a wall. It is about realising that my fight for reconciliation is over and any quest for a second chance should come from her - not from me. I have my pride, I have my dignity, and I have grown. I just don't have her - I am realising that is a pretty good swap. Having her, with the risk of losing the other three, is pointless. The pain that I feel now is related to me 'planning' and 'plotting' my next move. That is something that is completely self-inflicted...and as a good friend of mine reminded me the other night (echoing an old post of mine) "She's out of your life - she can't hurt you". I am growing and learning HSA - don't be deceived by the content of one post

This is a bit of a 'pep talk' I penned to myself when I was feeling weak. I was considering all sorts of actions to re-appear in my ex's life and to be honest, I needed a kick in the 'A' to snap me out of it. When I tell people that they need to get a little angry, rather than be submissive - this is what I mean. Step back, and see the situation for what it is, not what you *want* it to be. I hope this helps someone....it helped me, and I'm now back on track Rant: My ex dumped ME without a second thought, she didn't want to 'work on things' for a few weeks despite her feelings having seemingly changed so suddenly She knows how much fun we have together, how much her friends like me, how good I treat her. She knows that I am good for her...and most importantly - she knew all that, YET she still let me go without a second thought. SO, why the f*** should I be planning ANY sort of action to get her back? Why should I be drafting emails to ask her to meet up? Why should I be planning to appear at her work to remind her of what I'm like? Why should *I* be making ANY effort at all? Quite simply - I shouldn't. I didn't put a foot wrong in the relationship...so what exactly am I trying to prove? She's had the best of me, and she threw it away. Why should I feel like I have to make amends for something? Amends for what? For being too good to her? F*** that. This shouldn't be my battle to fight...I shouldn't have to prove to her that I deserve a second chance, she should be fighting to prove to me that SHE deserves one. Having looked back at what we had - if she doesn't miss it and want it back without any 'prompting' from me, then is she really worth the effort? Is it worth the risk of making myself look submissive and clingy? Is it worth the risk of having my heart ripped out...when there is absolutely NO need to put myself at risk again in the first place? Shouldn't *I* be the one that decides whether I want to give her a second chance? So why should I feel like it is up to ME to ask if SHE wants to try again? This should be MY decision, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give her a chance to make it again. Do I want to lose my self respect? No f*****g chance.

Those moments will come jojean, and they will not disappear when you implement NC. Your ex is not the solution to the pain however, remember - him being in your life is the *cause* of the pain. Remove him, and eventually the pain will subside - as long as you stay strong, tough it out and resist the urge to contact him (and believe me, those urges will be strong). It's good that you're not looking forward to seeing him, that may mean that subconsciously you're starting to recognise that keeping in contact is futile at the moment and is delaying your healing. Just one more time jojean....you only have to see him one more time, and then you can get yourself on the road to recovery and a much, much better place. Hang in there girl, you can do this.