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majord23

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Everything posted by majord23

  1. majord23
  2. majord23
    I don't think the message of the thread is to replace your ex with someone new, but to refill the space they left in your life with other things - whether it be friends, family a new hobby or sport etc. Good advice IMHO
  3. majord23
    Agreed. Reel it in, let it run, reel it in a bit more, let it run again...... Nice analogy pal, I especially like the ending lol One question though mate: Are you saying that if we employ this method that the longer that it takes to 'land' an ex, the larger they become? God help me - I might need to reinforce my floorboards!!
  4. majord23
    Start a new thread Nevruz - you'll get more advice and your post won't be missed. To answer your question, turn your phone off. Your ex not knowing whether you have someone new is a good thing....it will make her wonder what you are up to and keep her intrigued. If it *is* her calling, the best thing you can do is not give her any security...and that means keeping her 'in the dark' in regards to what you're up to.
  5. majord23
    Expect nothing DC - and I mean *nothing*. Don't even expect to know where this is leading (closure or reconciliation) because you may end up with more questions than answers. See it for what it is at this stage - a meeting with an old aquaintance. Approach the evening as you would any night with a friend. You're going to see a movie with a friend, and have a fun evening. No questions, no interpretation of her behaviour - nothing. At the end of the night you part ways and keep moving on. Your bit will be done - showing her a confident, fun guy....the rest is up to her. Good luck mate.
  6. majord23
    This situation is so wrong on so many levels. Did you consider just asking him if he has feelings for you? OR just cutting him out of your life all together? You are playing games with his feelings. He may very well be healing and moving on, and your 'little lie' will have him regressing and actually make the whole scenario worse. It might have been a good idea to post a thread and get input *before* you took this action.
  7. majord23
    I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through byates, this is the situation that I was hoping you would avoid by cutting ties with her a couple of months back. You've cut contact now, now really stick to it. Actions vs Words mate: Your actions have to show her that you won't be treated like a doormat, no amount of words will be able to achieve that. Likewise, her words (telling you that she loves you) are not reflected in her actions (sleeping with someone else). So ignore her words. Hang in there bro - sometimes it takes something like this to get us on the road to recovery. Take comfort in the fact that you did everything you could to make it work.
  8. majord23
    ....but cancer isn't parasitic. Cancer = abnormal cell division. We all produce cells that are potentially cancerous but that are 'taken care of' by various means ('eaten' by macrophages etc.) So, for me the comparison is valid. All relationships have aspects that could potentially become 'cancerous' but don't - because the individuals, together, are able to ensure that the healthy parts of the relationships are the ones that triumph over any 'abnormal cells'. But often this process breaks down. Cancer basically equals 'good cells gone bad'...like I said, a valid comparison. A degree of 'cancer' exists in almost all relationships, just as it exists in all of our bodies - some are able to keep it at bay, many are not.
  9. majord23
    BUT, think about this mate - what difference would it truly make if people were to attempt to shed some light re: what's going on inside her head? Some may say it's positive...giving you hope, that in reality could be false hope. Others may say that it's negative...dashing any hope that you may have unnecssarily. That's the only two ways it could go mate - and neither of them are guarantees....just people speculating. It's alot to risk (your emotional stability) on pure speculation mate. Think about the outcome of such pondering before beginning the process pal Pikey - I haven't had a chance to say it before, but welcome back babes - good to see you back
  10. majord23
    enol, again mate - your job isn't to worry about the motivation for her words or actions. Just deal with what comes your way - keep your emotions out of it and if you perceive that you're getting nowhere, withdraw for a while. I would be very tempted to go NC for a while now mate - progress (with her) seems to be an uphill battle at the moment and maybe withdrawing completely might give her food for thought. It will also help you move on as well.
  11. majord23
    She wanted to get a reaction from you...and she got it. Ex: 1 You: 0 She now has an idea how to get 'a rise' out of you when she wants/needs it. Learn from this mate.
  12. majord23
    To put it simply, if my spouse started an affair *before* she left me, then she would have no avenue back - I would make her choose: "Me as a guarantee or risk losing me for the unknown" (it probably wouldn't get to that stage mind you). If she didn't choose me, then it would be over - forever. Fullstop. No negotiation. Is it easy to think this way? Hell no. BUT (and believe me when I say this to you)....in a couple of years, you'll be sitting in a chair with a friend or your next wife, wondering why the heck you tolereted such behaviour from the woman you're currently tolerating (yes, you are tolerating her - you aint 'with' her mate...not at all - tolerance is all you have, not love) The most valuable thing you can salvage right now is your self respect...it may not seem like it now, but when push comes to shove - self respect (or lack thereof) is the often the thing that 'decides' whether we move on from a relationship or whether we remain 'stuck in it' for longer than we should. Be a man and make a stand while you still have some of her heart - the alternative is that you live your life wondering 'what might've been' if you had have said something sooner. Not tomorrow, stand up for yourself NOW.
  13. majord23
    I'm concerned about this statement mate. This speaks volumes about your self-esteem. What *would* make you feel like second choice? She is actively seeking another relationship, and if it doesn't work out...then you will be there happy to forgive her and continue to be with her. That, by definition, is 'second choice'....whether you feel like it or not. There is not alot stopping her from doing this to you again, you do realise that? C'mon buddy - you can do better!
  14. majord23
    I wouldn't be putting your faith (or anything else for that matter) in her. She is so out of line it aint funny - and you're hanging in there and letting her. You are hoping that things don't work out between them so that you can take second prize. Rest assured, if this situation (between her and her new man) doesn't work out - it won't belong before she moves on to someone else. Take care of yourself first and foremost - and cut her out of your life *now*.
  15. majord23
    Agreed. Having 'stayed friends', 'gone LC' and 'employed NC' all at different times of my life, and with different break-ups....NC is the only course of action that has made me feel better. On reflection, it also became obvious that if I had instigated NC alot earlier in most of the break-ups, reconciliation may have been a possibility. NC rules
  16. majord23
    NC is usually advised here after it is obvious that all other avenues have been exhausted (discussing/reasoning and begging/pleading). And as SD quite rightly said - it is then employed for YOURSELF. That is simply because entering or re-entering a relationship at that time would simply not be healthy and would (more than likely) fail without some personal growth and independence. A period of NC to 'Get yourself back together' (thanks again SD ), will actually improve the chances of reconciliation - the alternative is to stay in contact, act needy and drive the person away. You will also see some threads where advice is given not to employ NC - because the 'advisors' can see that there may be hope via communication. That advice *does* exist, but it is for situations where we genuinely believe that communication will aid, rather than hinder progress. If you want a thread aimed specifically at getting back together, you can always check this out - it doesn't apply to all situations, but certainly some: It is based on push/pull and 'you want what you can't have', so possibly not the healthiest method to seek a second chance with...but still a method.
  17. majord23
    That's about it Sobo. And if you *genuinely* want to be friends with her and aren't doing it as a way to reconcile, then i would inform her of your need to cut contact for a while. Explain to her that you really value her in your life but you have to be completely over her before resuming contact - if she wants friendship as much as you then I'm sure she'll understand and be willing to wait until you're ready.
  18. majord23
    I could be wrong mate, but I think the reason you asked her out when you knew she had plans because you (consciously or subconsciously) wanted to find out whether she would change those plans to meet with you. I guess as a way to gauge how strongly she feels for you - not sure if that sounds right to you? Drinking - *definitely* cut down, if not cut it out altogether. My worst days would be 1 and 2 days after a session - it happened to me a few times before I made th link. Mondays are always bad days anyway...but when you throw in the lingering effects of a Saturday night hangover as well, they become almost unbearable. As for your ex giving you compliments - I know that they are great to hear and difficult not to read into to - but remember that she has cut you loose and I have absolutely no doubt whasoever that she is as insecure as hell about losing you completely. I know that she is genuine in her affection for you, but the compliments are also a 'tool' to keep you around and keep her feeling a little safe. Not a problem if it doesn't affect you - but when it hinders your progress, you have to start taking them with a grain of salt (even if she's sincere). Keep getting out there and meeting girls byates - it's always difficult because we crave the closeness we had with an ex. That intimacy won't come immediately with someone else, so you have to be patient...firstly to find the right girl and then to give it time to develop. It's a lot easier to do when you know exactly where you stand with an ex - and to do that, you have to give up the hope of getting her back...and just move on. If she truly wants a second chance she'll come after you mate - but don't keep looking over your shoulder for her.
  19. majord23
    I would be inclined not to respond, but if you feel that you must reply then go with a short text saying that you need some time by yourself and will be in touch if/when you feel ready....and then see if that day comes. If it doesn't, stay in NC.
  20. majord23
    Ok, I'm glad to hear that you're doing better - I really am mate, good stuff I think at times though you are your own worst enemy...almost like you knowingly put yourself in a position to get hurt further. Let me explain: You know that seeing her won't be good for your progess (as you said, she is still treating you the same). So, you stay strong....and avoid committing yourself to meeting up with her when she asks (Good move!) BUT, you then contact her and ask her to meet you *knowing* that she is busy that day (in effect *ensuring* rejection - why do that??). This then: 1) Makes you feel bad and rejected and 2) Means that she has the impression that you are willing to meet with her. (Neither one of those is good, I'm sure you'll agree) Added to that, if you now change your mind, she will attempt to lay guilt on you by stating (quite rightly) that it was *you* that suggested meeting up. The result: You meet her, she treats you the same, you feel bad. OR: You don't meet her, she makes you feel guilty for changing your mind, you feel bad. ALL of this could have been avoided in one move bro - ignoring her original text. I understand that you felt bad for the way things turned out with the other girl - it was probably a blow to your self-esteem but you have got to STOP looking to your ex to boost that self-esteem....because the situation you now find yourself in is (potentially) more damaging. You are looking for contact with your ex to make you feel better - and perhaps it does, but that feeling is only momentary - it is holding you back. If you feel that you aren't strong enough to implement NC at the moment, then do it in small steps. First step: Stop meeting up with her. It's as simple as that. Tell her that you can't see her....and as I said 2 months ago mate - *Stick to it*. You'll get there byates - I just worry how much longer you are going to bang your head against this brick wall for.
  21. majord23
    You ignore her calls...but then return them. You tell her that you shouldn't spend time with her...but then she asks you out and you say 'maybe'. Your words and actions aren't consistent and she knows that when you say "We can't stay in touch", that all she has to do is call you and you'll agree to meet up. It's time to take a stand byates - whatever that may be - and then STICK to it. That's advice I gave you over 2 months ago mate. Since then: What has changed with the way she is treating you? What has changed with the way you react to her? What has changed with the way you feel (better/worse/same)?? It seems that you are stuck in a rut, doing the same thing but expecting a different outcome (that's just the way your posts sound). Have you moved on at all in 2 months? I'm not attacking you byates, I'm just trying to get a handle on why you seem stuck.
  22. majord23
    Not wasted at all - great post Mike. The above quote is exactly why implementing NC as soon as possible is the best course of action - you retain your self-respect and don't end up beating yourself up over behaviour that you'll view as pathetic years down the track.
  23. majord23
    I think you're being a bit hard on yourself here kate. There are lots of events in my life (not just relationships) that I consider myself 'over' and healed from. But having said that, sometimes I will be reminded of them (it could be a person, a song, a place etc) and I'll get a pang of pain. I don't think that means you've progressed less than what you thought you had - it's just that him contacting you has reminded you of a time that you were in pain....it's natural for that to stir some emotions and perhaps even have you revisiting that time. An ex of mine is getting married in a couple of months - I have no desire to be with her, have forgiven her, am not upset that she's getting married and could happily have a conversation if she called. That's how over it I am. BUT if she contacted me and apologised for the way she ended the relationship, I think it would certainly stir some emotions - and I would certainly be questioning her motives for doing so, so long after it ended. It's natural IMHO.
  24. majord23
    Please do! I can't identify anything in my past that would make this trait inherent (good childhood, affectionate parents etc.) but I do know that I have always sought women who were 'unavailable' (to a degree) and then I would go about attempting to acquire their validation. It would then go one of two ways: I would gain validation, they would become less desirable....I would back off, they would pursue and I would end it. OR I would push and push, not receiving what I wanted...until I pushed them away. There were 'healthy' moments in these relationships mind you....but you get the picture Apologies for hijacking OP, I'll bow out - you're receiving some great insight here and it looks like you're taking it on board too.
  25. majord23
    Thanks Scout, that post has helped me more than you realise.
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