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majord23

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Everything posted by majord23

  1. majord23
  2. majord23
    Guys, this thread was started in 2002. I don't think the OP is still around nor looking for advice any more
  3. majord23
    This thread was started in 2002
  4. majord23
    Shameless bump. Someone might get something out of it.
  5. majord23
    Not for the faint-hearted....but very effective for an unhealthy, short-term reconciliation
  6. majord23
    Vespar - it depends on who you're talking about. If it's the person that we both know, then let the situation go, stay NC and move on. If it's someone different....then I'm gonna need more details girl
  7. majord23
    Exactly mike. Letting go pretty much means putting your hands up and saying: "There's nothing more I can do." And then leaving the situation to 'fate' if you like. There shouldn't be any hope pinned to it however, just reservation or acceptance.
  8. majord23
    The terms "Letting go" and "in the hope of" do not belong in the same sentence. Let go because it frees you from the situation and the pain, do not 'let go' to get a reaction.
  9. majord23
    You know what they say Ash - lies, damn lies and statistics. I think any figures related to any illness (when looked at on a global scale) have HUGE margins for error.
  10. majord23
    sarge, with all due respect mate - I have studied (and indeed looked after) people with the very disorders you are advocating we learn about, for quite a number of years. The posts in the breaking up forum are from one point of view...and whilst I am not saying they are exaggerated, they are still from *one* point of view. And on that basis alone, we cannot assume anything about whether they have a PD or not. Yes it's a possibilty, but so are many things. There is a big distinction to be made between someone being unable to feel empathy, intimacy or have a conscience in *one* relationship...as opposed to having a PD. For example, I know a girl that I would swear to you (from my POV) had a PD - I would swear that she was incapable of sympathy, love or indeed had a conscience. I witnessed her treating some men atrociously. BUT she's now married and has an incredibly loving relationship - do you think her husband would agree with my original opinion? She just hadn't met someone that she connected with. That's what I mean by only getting one side of the story - it's may be accurate but it is by no means holistic.
  11. majord23
    And you will feel fine again tomorrow or the next day buddy. Hang in there. Do NOT act on emotion, and do not think that contacting her will make you feel better. You don't sound ready to deal with the worst case scenario when you contact her - I'd advise you to wait until you are. It doesn't sound like she is someone that is going to give you much comfort at the moment.
  12. majord23
    In reality, the percentage is slightly higher...but that figure includes those who are institutionalised (hospital or prison), so the real number lies somewhere between around 2 - 6% in society. I agree that PDs are very difficult to diagnose, as are just about every Mental Illness (in terms of distinctions between various disorders). To the OP: Yes, there may be those who have exes, or may be in a relationship with someone who has a PD - but remember that as someone who has emotional investment in that person, your 'diagnosis' is coming from a biased standpoint....and PDs are subjective at the best of times. I know what you are saying with your post, but think it would apply to a very small number of people - and I'd hate to have people diagnosing a problem with an ex/partner and absolving themselves from *any* blame for problems in a relationship.
  13. majord23
    To answer this: I ditto what frisco has said. Yes, it has brought an ex back for me....but we ended again, because none of the issues had been worked through (individually or as a couple). Not a good place to be...let me tell you. AND It has worked in that I had an ex come back....but by that time (because I had been in NC for a considerable period of time), I had no interest in reconciliation. I consider the second scenario the 'working' one - because at the end of the day, I came out of the situation relatively unscathed.
  14. majord23
    NC can certainly bring someone back - but anyone who utilizes it as a 'tool' to bring someone back will inevitably end up disappointed. When you employ any 'tactic', you are always awaiting a result, and thus are putting yourself in limbo for an indefinite period of time. I have yet to see anyone use NC as a method to get an ex back...and then stick to it when the ex hasn't reappeared after a couple of months. Usually at that point the 'dumpee' starts to look at other 'tactics', and the downward spiral continues. That's why I always say that if you are entering NC - be prepared to do it forever, and do not rely on any reaction from your ex - because you may never ever see one. It's not a decision to be taken lightly.
  15. majord23
    If you are ready to open up the lines of communication and just be his friend, then reply. If you want him back and know that staying in touch with him will hurt you - then either ignore the email, or reply telling him that you can't keep in touch. The above statement of his that I quoted explicitly states that he doesn't want to try again - most people aren't that direct and alot of the time leave things open for interpretation by the reader. He hasn't done that though - you know exactly what he is thinking. Are you ready for 'just' friendship with him?
  16. majord23
    Agreed, but I'll add something else into the mix: *Successful* reconciliation very much depends on why people *desire* to get back together. Pity, familiarity, insecurity, the "grass not being greener" and jealousy may very well be the catalyst for reconciliation...but in my experience, those reunions rarely last once things return to 'normal'.
  17. majord23
    It will be cold comfort to you sam - but I, and numerous, others have been exactly where you are right now mate...and have made it through. It will get better - you have to believe that. I know how it feels to feel sick to your stomach, totally consumed by the thoughts of what 'might have been' and what is currently happening now. There is no easy way through it, you really do have to tough it out and stay strong pal. As an old Irish woman used to say to me: "When you're in a hole, look up." I think time away from the band is probably the best thing for you at the moment mate. Keep posting...and I will say a prayer for you buddy.
  18. majord23
    Hi Master T, I completely understand your motivation for wanting to take such an action -and I think it is only the 'execution' that is perhaps questionable. Relationships always require the efforts of two people to be successful, but your plan was putting the onus entirely on your ex. I think perhaps a better way of going about it, if the situation were ever to arise, would be to sit down with her and have a frank and honest talk - both of you sharing your thoughts as to why the relationship 'failed' and what you would *both* do to ensure that it didn't happen again. Then, if you are *both* satisfied with that discussion, you move forward. Just my thoughts buddy.
  19. majord23
    Wow, thank you so much for the replies - I wish I could reply to you all individually. I have talked to him (via email) this morning and it seems that the crisis is over - he was a bit emotional last night (after a couple of beers) and now realises that getting things off his chest would be a mistake. His exact words (and I quote): "Sorry for speaking a load of crap last night mate, I was being an idiot". I think I've accurately extracted the sentiment from his statement though I think the quote above from BeStrongBeHappy sums it up perfectly. He regrets not having said what he had to say *at the time*, and now wants to make amends. I personally think that he walked away with his pride intact (he was dignified during the break-up).....but that feeling of being 'above it all' has turned (momentarily at least) to a feeling of being walked over. He thinks (or thought last night) that he had let her get away without so much as a harsh word - in relation to how she treated him during the break-up. I have to admit that I lost a bit of objectivity last night - I have handled my last break-up similar to the way he has handled his....and the more angry he got about his situation last night, the more angry I became about mine. This thread was as much about calming myself down as it was getting him some advice Thanks again for all the thoughtful posts, from both points of view - I really appreciate them and I've passed on the website address to my friend, so hopefully he'll read it.
  20. majord23
    Wow, great post Frisco (when isn't one of your posts great? ). And I guess from your post I am getting a view from HIS point of view rather than from hers. He assures me that he does not expect a reply, recognition or indeed reconciliation from his actions (words). I suppose that the cynical side of me doesn't believe this to be true - maybe that is a reflection on how *I* did things in the past...looking for a reaction, despite convincing others (and myself) that I wasn't after one. If I were to take him at 'face value' and believe his motivations, and his self-predicted reaction to anything coming his way as a result, I'd probably be his number 1 cheerleader. Maybe it's my own outlook/cynicism that is moulding my opinion, instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt in deciding what is best for him. If he can say his piece and walk away feeling less 'burdened' because of it, then I'm all for it. Something won't allow me to see it turning out that way though....I see him either prolonging or reigniting pain. I'm a kill-joy, huh?
  21. majord23
    Thanks CB! Agreed as well - if I had an ex resurface from my past and tell me my faults, I would hardly view them as someone "doing me a favour"...regardless of their intentions, there are some things you will on,y accept from certain people (and exes aren't always on that list ) If I can tell him that "9 outta 10 people on enotalone think it's a stupid idea", then maybe I can talk some sense into him haha
  22. majord23
    Agreed mate, and thankyou. I did tell him that what he had to say may have had some 'impact' 18 months ago, but would now be completely out of the blue (from his ex's perspective). I think he is underestimating the effect that his ex saying "What the?" or "Are you still hung up on this?", will have on him. He couldn't tell me what a 'positive outcome' would be (from his perspective)....which has me slighlty concerned.
  23. majord23
    I chatted to a friend tonight who had been hurt a couple of years ago because of a break-up. (they were together for just under 12 months, and she 'dumped' him). He told me that he has no desire for reconciliation, and no feelings towards his ex other than pity (he thinks that she is fantastic but involved in behaviour that is self-destructive). Anyway, my mate is leaving the country in a few weeks and says that his ex has no idea how much she hurt him through the break-up...and now he has an overwhelming feeling that he should make his thoughts/feelings known. I asked him a few times this evening if his true motivation was to get a reaction from her, but he assured me it was not. He said that he felt as though he had played the 'nice guy' throughout, but now that it had got to the point that he would never see her again - he felt that he could be (brutally) honest with her, without having to deal with the emotional consequences. I told him that he should just leave it...but he insists that he will feel better once he says what he has to say. Now, I've been in a situation similar to his...and erred on the side of caution (ie saying nothing). While there are times that I am happy that I 'took things on the chin', there are other times that I have regretted not 'speaking my mind' when I had the chance. Y'know when you lay awake at night and think: "If only I'd stood up for myself and said....." So I can see his point of view, but can also see my point of view (the one that I acted on). I can also see regrets resulting from either action - I guess my question is this: Which is easier to deal with....regret from saying what you actually think, and leaving a 'bad impression'...OR regret for NOT saying what you actually think, and feeling like a bit of a doormat? I'm all ears
  24. majord23
    Is your husband counselling this woman? (in a professional sense). That's the impression that I'm getting from this post that he met her whilst he was helping her in a professional capacity....which means that their relationship is obviously highly inappropriate. This could open a whole can of worms if that's the case...but I won't post any advice until you clarify just what you mean by 'client'.
  25. majord23
    D4G, I think the most important thing for you here is to realise that *nothing* that her Mother can say should make any difference to you and your exes situation. Even anything that comes from your ex must not be given too much credence - unless she has a way of showing/guaranteeing that she won't break your heart a *third* time mate. Not trying to be harsh bro, I've always followed your story and been very impressed by the way that you've handled things - so don't let yourself be dragged back into a situation whereby you give control of your feelings back to 'possibilities'. You've come too far to allow that to happen.
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