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majord23

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Everything posted by majord23

  1. majord23
    Hang in there buddy.
  2. majord23
    Good to hear hjc. I think it's sometimes very hard to 'make a stand' against someone, particularly when we have looked at that person through rose-coloured glasses for so long. You did so though mate...and it probably took her a bit by surprise. ps It didn't turn unpleasant because you didn't *allow* it to mate - you told her that she was out of order, she apologised and then you announced that the matter was closed. No blowing it out of proportion or using it as a catalyst to unleash some of the frustration you may have felt with her in the past. Give yourself some credit
  3. majord23
    Ugh. I remember those days little. A year ago I was going through the same thing and I couldn't understand why. There was nothing external that I was reacting to - my moods would change almost instantly - from anger, to depression, to hopefullness, to philosphical and acceptance...all within an episode of Buzzcocks. Working out is often touted as a good way to combat the tough times, and to be completely honest it is what worked for me alot of the time. When I was working out, I felt good...probably serotonin related, but effective nonetheless. Just know that although I viewed my ex as the solution to my problem, not once did I contact her. As much as I wanted to, either to yell at her or to plead for her to come back, or just to let her know that I missed her. Gradually though, I felt better - it was then that I realised that if I had started to feel better without contacting her then it was obvious that she was *not* the solution afterall. Time was, time and allowing myself to grieve without distracting myself by involving her in the process. There is no easy way through this - no magic words, thoughts or actions that will get you through this. Just time mate...as much as I wish I could give you something more.
  4. majord23
    You have every right to be angry hjc, what she did was unreasonable. The question remains whether you act on your anger, or let it go. Personally, I'd have a very hard time not saying anything - but I'd wait a few days until I had calmed down. Then I would probably do it via email - and keep the tone 'down' but not angry. Something along the lines of "In future, if you find any items that belong to me, I'd appreciate more than one hours notice to retrieve them. I was extremely disappointed to find that you'd left it in a place as unsafe as you did. Quite frankly, the way you have dealt with this is completely unacceptable. ps You can pick your things up from mine in 35 seconds, if you can't make it you'll find them at the bottom of the Thames."
  5. majord23
  6. majord23
    So if he dumps her, will they put screens up around her and put her out of her misery? Or maybe she'll be turned into glue......
  7. majord23
    That depends. You said that neither of you is ready to get back together at the moment - is that really true? If he were to phone you right now and say "Let's give it another go...", would you tell him, "No, I want to take it slow"? If that is where you're at, then you are doing just fine. If however, you would jump at the chance to be with him right now but *he* is the one that wants to take it really slowly...then take things *very* slow and protect your heart.
  8. majord23
    I used to get a sense of satisfaction thinking about an ex spending nights alone with nothing to do. It's only when I'd realise that even if they *were* lonely, miserable and missing me...they still preferred being that way than being with me. Sometimes it's not always the confidence boost that it appears to be
  9. majord23
    And it's natural that it will cloud your vision sam - don't worry, that will change with time. I can be the most irrational man on the planet when 'blinded' by heartache. Just keep posting here, and there'll always be an objective set of eyes to give a different perspective.
  10. majord23
    sam, Just relax mate - you are analysing something that, in the big scheme of things, is trivial. You sent an email that she may or may not have received yet, and you are trying to figure out what is going on with her. Try to stop yourself from doing that pal - you are worrying over something that you have absolutely no control over. And what is the point of worrying over things that we can't control? Imagine all the things in your life that you have no power over - now imagine how much of a mess you would be if you spent your day mulling them over.... That would take up an awful lot of time, huh? But just what would it change?....nothing. I know you're stressed mate, just do you best to stop sweating the small things and concentrate on that which you CAN control - starting with *you*.
  11. majord23
    littlebylittle - you strike me as someone who is walking the tightrope that hangs between insight and impulse. Most people would be swaying towards (and acting upon) impulse right now. However, you are counting to 10, posting here, receiving (and considering) advice - as long as you maintain that level head and keep posting, you'll take the right path - and it will be the path that you choose, not that which someone has suggested. It all comes down to self realisation and obtaining a sense of objectivity - something that you are well on the way to achieving. You really are doing great mate - and should be proud. Hang in there.
  12. majord23
    Then be untrue to yourself. Littlebylittle - what if I told you that you keep choosing the wrong kind of women? OR if I told you that your haircut was atrocious OR if I told you that your fashion-sense was out of date? What would be your first reaction? You'd get defensive - no matter how many people had told you previously, and no matter who those people were - you'd get defensive. True change comes with personal realisation, not from others 'informing' us of our 'faults'. If your ex is exhibiting destructive behaviour, NOTHING that you can say will make her see the light or change her ways. You might feel satisfied with what you'e said...she will feel nothing but resentment. And to be honest - if I was your ex, I would view it as advice coming from someone with an ulterior motive - even if that wasn't the case.
  13. majord23
    It will be mate, it will be. I have had my heartbroken a few times over the years, but each one has turned into a positive experience - both because I learnt alot about myself and alot about how a relationship *should* work - and what role I had to play in that. If you are starting to see that this *could* be a good thing already, then you are way ahead of the game littlebylittle...way ahead. It's tough, and you will have countless questions that you may never get answers to - in all honesty, you don't need the answers pal. All that matters is that you learn about YOU...because you can't make her grow, you can only make yourself grow. Hang in there mate and keep posting.
  14. majord23
    Wow kath, what a horrible position to be in. :sad: This is my opinion: Any relationship runs the risk of 'failing'. No matter who we are with, there is always a chance that something will happen - a change of feelings, growing apart, a third party - that will unravel the relationship. So firstly you have to realise this - no matter if you are with your ex, or with someone new...there is a chance that you will have your heart broken. Every relationship is a gamble (God, how I wish it wasn't.) Having said that, I understand that the length of your relationship and the fact that you have kids together with your ex raises the stakes in regards to what you are putting 'on the line'. And I can certainly identify with you being reluctant to put yourself in a position to be hurt again by the same man. There is often a line used on the boards (I think it may have been DN that posted it) that is: "Make sure that the issues that lead to the break-up no longer apply". Never has there been a case where this is more appropriate than yours. I think you *need* to find the reason why the relationship fell apart, and see if it is 'fixable'. Then you have to decide if you *want* to fix it. What reasons were there for the break-up: Was it boredom? Did you get together at a young age and he now wants to spread his wings? Did you focus on being parents and not pay as much attention to being a couple? I'm not asking you for answers, I'm just throwing things out there - it is up to you and your ex to identify why your relationship ended, and then decide what to do to avoid it happening again. THAT is the best chance you have of making it work - but as I said, there are no guarantees with any relationship. So it really does come down to whether you are willing to risk it. That risk will always be there, no matter what. I do want to say that the fact that your ex is being honest and letting you know that he is apprehensive is admirable on his part - I know of many that would make all sorts of promises (no matter how unrealistic) just to get the chance. He, on the other hand, is taking your feelings into consideration and is not jumping at the selfish option. Likewise, I think you are handling yourself superbly - you aren't rushing into anything (as much as your heart probably wants you to) and are taking a logical, sensible approach - you may feel weak...but believe me, you are anything but. There is no right answer here kath - it is still about you weighing up the pros and cons and the risk versus the reward. If you go back to him then yes, you run the risk of going through hell again...but if you don't go back, would you be able to cope with wondering "What if?"..... Either way, this is a big decision - and I'm sure I don't have to tell you to take your time. Take care.
  15. majord23
    She will contact you again mate - she is trying to make you feel "punished" for ignoring her...so that you don't do it again. I believe that she now expects you to come crawling back....don't do it. Don't fall into the trap of feeling like the bad guy here: She left you and went back to her ex - nuff said. If she senses that you want her more than she wants you then she will attempt to exploit it for all that she can. And it looks like she has made her first attempt at doing just that.
  16. majord23
    I have very little doubt that she is "playing the same game" mate. Whenever you pull away via NC, she gets angry (or pretends to) in order to have you defending yourself or comforting her. It is the security she seeks, and is going to great lengths to get a reaction from you. She is aware, or at least has to learn, that you cannot be a shoulder for her at the moment - she has made the choice to be with her ex and yes, you are right, she should be leaning on him. As for why she doesn't...well, that's anyone's guess. But my suspicion is that she doesn't feel secure with her ex (yet at least) and so seeks security from the last person that gave it to her - you. So far, she has been able to attain it from you - but once she realises that you are fast becoming a 'non-option' she will then have to make a decision: Stay with her ex, knowing that if it fails that she ends up alone OR make an attempt to reconcile with you before she loses you all together. I can't tell you which way it will turn out here HH - but I can guarantee you that you haven't heard the last from her...and that your actions (or lackthereof) are holding you in good stead for the future - both in terms of healing *and* in terms of possibly having the final say on whether you get back together with her.
  17. majord23
    Dan, You received a huge blow on Sunday - your ex told you that she didn't want any contact with you. Anyone on this forum would find that hard to deal with. Some of your posts suggested that as much as it hurt...you *were* going to deal with it and respect your ex's wishes. That was a new leaf for you mate - and I really thought you were going to see it through. However, what I see now is a guy who is trying to avoid dealing with the pain he felt on the weekend. I think you are looking for a way of erasing Sunday from history and attempting to start again (in terms of reintroducing yourself into your ex's life). I think that you are thinking "If only I didn't push so hard on Sunday, I wouldn't be in this position"...so are trying to rectify it. Understandable mate, but not necessarily the right thing to do. You are definitely reverting to some "Old Dan" behaviours here and I think that you are going to find that unless you give your ex what she wants (letting her go) that you are going to find yourself in the same position you were in on Sunday - your ex telling you that she doesn't want you to contact her. You are delaying the inevitable mate - at some stage you are going to have to grieve for this relationship. You either do it now, or you do it later....the difference being that 'later' delays your healing and also runs the risk of your ex being pushed even further away (something that you probably didn't think could happen after Sunday, but something that is now looking like a distinct possibility). You are analysing, re-analysing and over-analysing here. My guess is that after you send the boots you will wait for her to send you a "Thankyou" text or email - if you don't receive one, you will contact her to "make sure she got them"...and thus will begin your attempt to remain in contact. Likewise, if she *does* thank you, you will see it as her wishing to remain in contact....and so will pursue her on that pre-text. Ask yourself this: What response from your ex, or lack thereof, would be the sign that tells you to let her go? (Given that she explicitly told you to do that on the weekend)
  18. majord23
    Dan, I'm worried here mate - what are your thoughts?
  19. majord23
    You don't need to explain it any other way, all you have to do is look at the bigger picture. Unless we all marry the first person that we fall in love with, or we end all of our relationships mutually...then every relationship leading to marriage (and sometimes beyond) ends with someone walking away from another. That doesn't mean that the person being left behind is worthless, it just means that the two people in the relationship were looking for different things at different times. Sometimes it is circumstance, sometimes it is compatability...and sometimes it is because of the inconsiderate actions of one or both parties. Let's start from scratch here - forget your ex for a moment and ask yourself this: Do you consider yourself to be a better, bigger, stronger person than someone who cheats? Yes or no?....
  20. majord23
    HH, Hang in there pal - it does get easier with time. There aren't many people that find the early stages of NC anything but gut-wrenching....but give yourself some time and you *will* start to see the benefits. As for your post, you need to take a step back when your ex "attacks" you like that mate. You have been ignoring her contact, so she made an 'extra special' effort to get a reaction out of you...and guess what? She succeeded. Nothng wrong with that HH - but learn from it. Next time, don't take her words to heart...and instead think about *why* she is saying them, not the words that she uses. Don't react on emotion - take a deep breath, think about her motivation....and then continue with NC. I suspect that she was getting worried that she was losing you as an option, and was desperate to reassure herself that you were still there for her. So she attacks you, then starts sobbing, gets you over to her place...and wham, bam - she has her security back. From your past posts, it seems that she is returning (or already has returned) to her ex. I dare say that she is unsure if that relationship will be successful, so would love nothing more to have you waiting in the wings if it fails. Do yourself a favour and work on yourself, so that you'll be able to view her with objective eyes if/when she comes looking for you. At the moment all that she is interested in is what is best for her - how about you adopt the same attitude that she has, and start looking out for "Number One". Stay strong mate.
  21. majord23
    ...I was thinking exactly the same thing.
  22. majord23
    GFI, I'm sorry to hear how this has panned out mate, I really am. What do you do from here? It's the simplest, yet hardest thing to do - you let her go completely. You have to respect her decision and leave her alone. What went through her head yesterday, and what is going through her head right now is anyone's guess. One thing that I can tell you for a fact is that there is no point speculating - it will have you chasing your tail and attempting to solve a problem that you cannot solve. She may contact you somewhere down the track, or she may not. Don't hold on to any assumption that she will however - that will just hold you back and prevent you from truly moving on. Do not, under any circumstances contact her. just leave her be - if she does change her mind somewhere down the track, she will let you know. I don't think that there is a "right amount of time to wait" in this situation - she has made herself crystal clear. There is no plan here regarding her GFI - the only plan you have to focus on now is getting yourself through this. Keep posting and keep strong. Sadk's post is excellent btw GFI, print it out bro.
  23. majord23
    I've bolded the key word from your post above..."again. " Why do you want to do it again? How will doing it again change your situation? How will doing it again make a difference to your ex's position? You have said all you can say, saying it again isn't going to make it sound any different to your ex. All the pain that you have experienced through the break-up, all of the torment you felt when your ex rejected you despite your proclaimations of love....are you telling me you want to go through that again? Because that is what it sounds like you're setting yourself up for. She cannot provide you with happiness at the moment - that has to come from within you. How about you stop doing things again and start doing something new? C'mon pal - stay strong and back way from the phone nice and slowly.
  24. majord23
    Don't expect too much here GFI. I get a feeling that you're still looking to 'resolve' this situation quickly - and could end up disappointed if it doesn't pan out that way. Don't forget to work on *yourself* mate. Remember the feeling you had when your ex didn't reply to your email for a few days? You felt as though you 'deserved' more than that? You can use that experience to learn and grow GFI: Your ex goes to the spa next week. Let's say that she thanks you very much...and then you don't hear from her for a few weeks. You need to imagine how that might feel, and how you would deal with it. You may feel as though you 'deserve' more considering how much it cost you etc. I'm not saying that that is what will happen - but predict the worst and prepare for it. This weekends worst case scenario: She turns up this Sunday, says Hi, stays for 2 minutes, exchanges goods and leaves. Prepare for that - hope for more by all means....but prepare for the above. Anything else that happens is a bonus.
  25. majord23
    Hey Tony, I'm sorry to hear about this mate. Don't beat yourself up for breaking NC - it's better to have done it than not done it and prolonged your healing by wondering. Years ago, a great friend of mine told me something after I had done something similar to what you did. She said to me: "Sometimes when life slams a door in your face, you've got to knock on it one more time just to see if it will open again." Consider that your knock. Chin up pal.
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