majord23

Paul, that was the most concerning part of your post for me. I'm not sure if that *is* your motivation for wanting to be in a relationship - but if it is, you need to re-evaluate how you truly feel about both of these women. If I ignore your comment quoted above, my advice would be to sit down and really think about who you want to be with. Imagine if they were both available to you, who you would choose. Your current girlfriend is justified in feeling like she is a consolation prize - because your post certainly reflects that that's the way you are viewing her. I don't mean that in a mean way - it just seems that you would go back to your ex if the opportunity presented itself....regardless of your current relationship. If that is the case - end it with your current girlfriend and pursue your ex. If you are unsuccessful and end up single, then it will be probably be for the best - because I think that you NEED to spend some time alone to heal...so this type of 'dilemma' doesn'r raise its ugly head again in the future.

missmebaby, This guy is controlling, manipulative, immature and selfish. I have, as have others, tried to give you the healthiest advice possible: move on. Faced with your "Get him back at all costs" outlook however, I will give you some *unhealthy* advice that will give you the best chance of getting back together with him. You are making your bed though, so when this relationship turns sour again - you will only have yourself to blame. Right, here you go. Your ex is insecure and jealous, right? Every time he hears or even suspects that you are talking or hanging out with other guys, he gets angry with you and makes you feel guilty (something that he has NO RIGHT to do btw). The mistake you are making at this point is apologising to him - you reassure him, kiss him more etc etc. to *prove* that you still love him and are not seeing anyone else. This is the *biggest* mistake you could possibly make with someone like him....what you need to do is exploit his jealousy. You need to say "Yeah, I ws hanging out with guys...and some of them were really nice - hell, you don't want to be with me, so I am going to find someone who DOES want to be with me". This will make him angry - don't give in. Anger is his tool to manipulate you. He gets angry so that you will reassure him...and then he doesn't have to worry about you and other guys any more. He plays you like a fiddle (as I have said before). It may also make him sad - again, another tool that he uses to manipulate you. You see him sad, and again you reassure him - DO NOT DO THIS. If he gets sad, tell him again the statement in bold above....and follow it up with: "You've got no reason to be sad anyway, this is *your* decision." He may also tell you: "But I DO want to be with you". AGAIN, this is ANOTHER tool he uses to manipulate you....and you fall for it. So when he pulls this BS, you say: "Well, that's all fine and dandy - but we're not together and until we are I am going to continue to look for someone who *will* be with me, not just talk about it". THAT is how you can get your ex back missmebaby. You are doing the exact opposite of what you should be - and the most worrying part about that is that I believe the reason that you have not realised this is that your ex is an *expert* at manipulating you and has been doing so for a long time. If you follow my advice above, there is a very very big chance that your ex will start chasing you. Do NOT give him security though - once he senses that he can have you, he will run in the opposite direction. Indeed, even if you get back together with him - you still cannot make him too secure. That is why this relationship is unhealthy and doomed to fail...but you want him back, so there you go - I have given you your best chance. Your ex is a control freak - so take the control away from him and he will run after you like there is no tomorrow. The boards will be here for you if he dumps you again.

Indeed it does, people don't like to be upset and grieve over something that was a lie. I'm not angry with Leah, but feel sorry for her. I searched the bbc news website during the days surrounding her 'death'. There was a short piece about a teenage boy (15 years old) from Dundee that had been killed in a car accident. At the time I thought it strange that her accident wasn't mentioned whatsoever. Every fatality on Scotland's roads was reported over that week....and no mention of anyone matching Leah's profile. I assumed it was an oversight (which again, I thought was strange...especially considering the fact that they reported *every* accident), but it looks like I was wrong.

Fallout, I know you are angry but taking it out on other posters is not the solution. The nice things said about Leah were sincere at the time because they were about the girl that was known on the board. The reality (seemingly) is that either her whole persona was an illusion or at least the end of her stay on the board was a lie. People being upset/angry about her behaviour now is not hypocrisy - it's just that their opinons on the situation have changed, because the information available to them has changed.

Not only that...but if you read the sequence of events again, you'll notice that she called twice: Once to inform Indi of the accident and secondly (12 minutes later) to inform Indi of her death. Calling once? A minute possibility. Calling twice? Not a chance.

Guys, Everyone needs to chill here. I'm certain that avman would not have posted this thread on a whim.

I agree, but that doesn't make her behaviour acceptable or provide a valid excuse for it - so to absolve of her of *any* blame is not justifiable. goodguy, you have to remove yourself from this situation ASAP - you are into her way more than she is into you. She is keeping her options open because *you* are allowing her to. Let her go and sort out her love-life without your support - because although you may feel you are doing the right thing to get her back, all you ar doing is setting yourself up for more and more heartache.

missmebaby, You have started numerous threads on your ex and have received some good advice in each of them. Instead of taking that advice on board however, you seemingly ignore it and then start another thread asking the same questions. I suggest you go back to some of your other posts and re-read the advice given. I know that some of what is written is not what you want to hear - but if enough people are saying it, then don't you think that you should consider listening to it? This guy is bad news for you at the moment and YOU need to stop the cycle that you are stuck in. Ironically, cutting your ex out of your life will probably get you what you want (him coming back to you) but my advice will remain the same - you need to move on without him.

Yep, especially considering that NC has been well and truly established. It's like telling the dumper that despite time having passed, that the dumpee wil still take them back...and that the NC hasn't actually help them move on that much at all. I also think that the email sets the tone of your meeting with her before seeing her hjc. Keep her guessing as to what seeing you will be like - and then surprise her by being yourself, not an emotional version of someone she used to know.

hjc, I wouldn't send the email mate. She broke NC a few weeks ago and you responded in kind which would have given her a very good indication that you're not angry with her. You say that you have to meet her soon to exchange some things anyway - so how about instead of telling her that you're not angry with her, that you *show* her when you meet up. Meet her and be fun - make her laugh and make the experience of seeing you a positive one for her....*that* would be far more effective than any email you could send in the meantime mate. There's nothing wrong with your email, but I just think that if you're going to be seeing her anyway then you should make the most of that opportunity.

Ditto

missmebaby, It's time for you to wake up to yourself girl. Your ex is playing you like a fiddle and you are allowing him to. He is successfully making you feel guilty for things that you should not feel guilty for. He says that he wants to get back together, puts the onus on your behaviour as having to be 'acceptable' before he will consider it and then changes his mind when he feels like it. You need to grow yourself a backbone and stop pandering to his tantrums. When you initiate NC - stick to it!! Ignore his phonecalls, texts etc. Do not cave in and resume contact - that has got you nowhere up to this point and it will continue to get you nowhere unless you change your behaviour. It is abundantly clear that your ex has no intention of getting back together with you - I know that hurts to hear, but that is the crux of the matter. He has listed excuse after excuse, and when things don't go his way he pulls the old 'guilt trip' on you and you lap it up. He seems to enjoy making you feel bad, which quite frankly is messed up. He is immature and is palming repsonsibility for this mess onto you instead of taking responsibility himself and dealing with the consequences of his decision to end the relationship. He is a game-player. You are waiting for someone to give you an answer as to how to 'get him back' without taking on board the posters who are telling you what is best for you - letting this jerk go. What has changed in your situation over the past month? Nothing - because you have done nothing to make it change, you have continued doing the same thing over and over....is it any wonder the result remains the same?

Hey Deserted Like everyone else, I'm glad to hear that you've gained something from this site - and thanks for the mention.

I can only speak from my perspective, but if *I* said to someone the same thing that your ex has said to you - it would be an excuse. Essentially I wouldn't want to be with the person that I was speaking to and would be trying to say it in the least hurful way possible. We spend too much time analysing the statements that come after the: "I don't want to/can't be with you because..." instead of focussing on the first part.

It means that she may come back. If you are able to view the situation objectively and logically at the moment, babypink is right on the money.

No need to mention anything to her - tell her outright. There is no need for her to make a decision as long as you are meeting up with, and having sex with, her. Tell her to call you once she is over her 'confusion' and knows what she wants - and then stay out of her life until her decision is made. At the moment she has the 'luxury' of holding all the cards. She *knows* that she can 'choose' between you and the other guy (as she said in her text to her friend). So, she is in the position of 'power' (for want of a better word). Remove that safety-net from the equation. Explain to her that you want to be with her and that you are sure about that - and that until she is just as sure about wanting to be with you that she should stay out of your life. If she truly loves you, and the other guy is just a rebound....she may just come-a-runnin'.

Yes, it is.

So you could happily stay at your ex's (who you're not over yet) new boyfriend's house while they are upstairs having sex? ......the only soldier in line, huh?

Nick, I literally felt a twang of pain when I read your post mate - ouch. You cannot put yourself in these situations any more. Stay away from her when socialising and give her as wide a berth as possible any other time.

Absolutely mate - the quandry will come, I'm sure, if she asks a direct question. But until she does that, ignore her. As for responding to the question....well, that depends what she asks and let's cross that bridge when you come to it.

Then I think you're mind is made up mate - *and* (I will say this now)...I think it is the right thing to do. If she wants to communicate with you, she should be sending more than 'hey' for a start. I mean, how the hell are you meant to respond to that anyway?? Responding to her validates her behaviour - it says to her: "Despite the fact that I have told you that I cannot stay in contact with you, I am willing to compromise my decision when you send me a one-worded text". Ignore her and you not only send her a clear message, but you also maintain your integrity and your pride. If she genuinely wants to communicate, or she misses your friendship, or she wants to reconcile...then she will have to do more than sending a pathetic, short text. Staying NC tells her that mate - *loud* and *clear* - without you having to say a word. Good to see that you're looking at this logically pal, and protecting yourself - for that, you should be proud.

Hey enol, I'm sure you know that I received a 'nothing' text from my ex about a month ago that had me feeling and thinking the same things as you. Ultimately I ended up pursuing it...and I got closure, and also learnt a lesson as to what to do next time (ignore). That's not to say that *you* should ignore it though mate - every person and every situation is different. I did what I thought was best for me, and it turned out that it actually did turn out best for me. BUT, I also know that it could have gone the other way - I gambled and got lucky. If *you* think that you should respond and you are prepared for the possibility that her intentions have nothing to do with reconciliation, then it can do no harm to contact her back. Do what is best for you and consider *every* eventuality before you act - if you expect the worst, then you are well prepared to deal with anything less than the worst. The thing that does stick out is the fact that she didn't ask any questions...I mean not even a "how are you?". She may be seeing if the lines of communication are open with her one-worded text - only she knows why she sent it, and only you know what will be best for you to do (ignoring or reacting).

...definitely the type I'm susceptible to

I think manipulation is a strong word, and while I don't agree with it in the 'textbook' sense, it certainly has a part in any relationship. Again, forgive the word 'manipulation' because it possibly isn't the most accurate to use. But waiting to call someone for a few days, having a life apart from a partner, keeping your emotions close to your chest at times....all these behaviours (and many more) when 'performed' against our natural instincts are a form of manipulation. They keep a relationship fresh, and in some cases (ie having a life away from a partner) are indeed healthy...but they also 'manipulate' the other party's feelings in our favour. The word manipulate automatically conjures up negative connotations....and justifiably so. But the majority of posts I read on these boards are refer to a manipulation of sorts - any behaviour performed by someone (usually the dumpee) in order to ilicit a reaction from another (the dumper) to benefit onself (the dumpee again...attempting to achieve reconciliation) is a form of manipulation.

Some good points raised in your post HD, and alot of it I agree with. It's a shame however that (again) you've resorted to generalisations about the people who post here.....which dilutes the valid argument that you've made.