majord23

James, your situation isn't that different....and the principle behind dealing with yours is the same. I have said it to you before, and I will say it again - No contact. This may sound harsh, but I get the impression that I'm going to have to be harsh to get through to you bro....You are becoming her doormat. She dumped you, she has a new BF...and you're running around to her place to do favours for her? Mate...get a grip - she is using you to make herself feel secure. You may feel that seeing her actually increases your chances of getting her back...bzzzz....wrong....it does the opposite. How is she going to miss you if you stay in her life? Not only that, but her respect for you is going to diminish James...she has treated you absolutely atrociously....yet you set up her DVD and TV for her?....she is going to start sensing that you have little self-respect....and how can she respect you when you are displaying a lack of respect for yourself? I'm not trying to offend/upset you James...but you've got to get yourself a *little* but angry with her, so that you can stop being her safety net. You are heading down a path that has 'destination regret' written all over it. If you don't make some changes to your behaviour, you are going to be kicking yourself in a few months. I know you aren't going to like what I've said...but I'm saying it because I do know how you feel and I do want to help. Sometimes being blunt is the only way to get a point through.

Of course I don't mind you asking mate. We were apart for 8 months...after being together for 3. She ended up going back to her ex BF, who had dumped her 6 months before we hooked up...he was the proverbial 'dog in a manger' (found out about me, got jealous and wanted her back...). Anyway, she went back to him despite having telling me that he was a low-life. I wanted to stay with her...but just said, "Fine - do what you want, I'm not sticking around". She contacted me 4 months later....he had broken her heart again. It then took *her* about 4 months to convince *me* to forgive her (the irony, huh?). But when we eventually got together I just found that I couldn't forgive her for making me her 'second choice'....so I ended it 3 months later. This happened about 4 years ago....I ran into one of her friends about half-way through last year - Apparently she is single...and still pining for the ex that broke up with her twice. Silly girl.

Oddjob, I've just read your story and (for what it's worth), my opinion is thus: If you don't do this, you are going to regret it....take a chance mate

jgryl05 (definitely a unique username ), My heart goes out to you because you are in such a difficult situation...having to see your ex at school all of the time. The answer to your question: "How can I be friends with him if I want him back??" is simple: You can't. You aren't able to view him as a friend because your feelings run much deeper. You have to do what's best for you. I'm not sure if you are able to avoid him at school? If you are, do it. If you aren't, you are going to have to be extremely strong...try to maintain a "Hi, Bye" relationship, without spending any time with him outside of school. I know you are hurting and I know you want him back....at the moment however, you should concentrate on healing and easing the pain (without him)...and then deciding if you *truly* want him back. Good luck

Excellent post. Some people *do* get back together...and others don't. If they *do* get back together, sometimes it lasts...and sometimes it doesn't. There are lots of stories - happy stories and not-so-happy stories....the point is, no matter what has happened in others' relationships, it won't affect yours....everyone's situation is unique. I once got an ex back using no contact...and it ended (for good) 3 months later....it doesn't mean that next time I'm in that situation that the same fate awaits me. There is no set formula, no set rules...but there are some things you can do to maximise your chances (no contact etc.). Even then though, that isn't a guarantee....as 'spaceandtime' said "Concentrate on yourself". Good luck lonely heart....I truly hope that one day you can start a thread telling us a happy ending to your story.

Vfunkera, thanks for your input bro- I'm really hoping that, at some stage, this thread can be used as "exhibit a" in relation as to how 'no contact' can work. From determineds' posts, I know just how hurt he is and exactly how he feels....which makes the fact that almost 2 weeks have passed, and he hasn't even taken a small backward step (contact wise) - truly remarkable. Determined...again, you deserve much praise mate! Awesome strength. To put your mind at ease...there is no way that she isn't thinking of you! As I've said before - Although you may not agree, I do think that she will be expecting some form of contact on V day. She will see it as a perfect 'excuse' for you to contact her. If you can stay strong, I wouldn't be surprised if she contacts you next week....because she won't know what the heck is going on. Always try to see things from her point of view...how do you think she is going to feel?.... You tell her that you love her, she knows that you want her back...and THEN a mere 2 weeks later, on the (supposedly) most romantic day of the year....not so much as a text from you. Her thought processes will be something like this mate: "Why hasn't determined even texted me on V day? I can justify not contacting him, because I have a BF....but he doesn't have a GF, so....whoa....wait a minute!!!!" I guarantee that she will be wondering if you have hooked up with someone.....why else would you not contact her, right? Don't even think about pushing her further towards her new BF.....contacting her, and making her aware that you love her and want her back *will* do that. Simply because she will be thinking that there is no rush...you'll *always* be there for her....so she can stay with the new BF knowing that if it doesn't work out, good ol' determined is there waiting as a safety net. Remember...learn from my mistakes! Don't try to get into her head too much though....you'll start reading too much into alot of insignifcant events/conversations. If you want to attempt to figure out what she is thinking, post it here mate...and let some of the board members do the hard work for you - afterall, we will be far more objective in our analysis because we aren't in the middle of the situation. Bottom line of that is - you can only control your own actions determined. Concentrate on staying strong and not contacting her....and the rest will fall into place One last thing - I think you're doing the right thing with the new girl in your life. It would be easy to try and ease the pain by jumping straight into another r/s...but you're showing her respect for her and being honest with her...kudos!

James, I'm going to be blunt - "No Contact" means exactly that - NO contact. In your initial post, you indicated that you think that dropping some flowers off for her still constitutes 'No Contact' because you wouldn't have spoken to her. That's not the way it works bro. The whole rationale of not being visible in your ex's life (in ANY way) is so that they aren't aware of how you feel and don't know what you're doing in your life. The mind left to it's own devices is a dangerous thing....and that's what you have to do...allow your ex's mind to *imagine* what you're up to and who you're hanging out with. Believe me, she will be imagining the worst case scenario (ie you moving on)...and it will have her more than a little worried. And that's what you want. Sending flowers defeats the purpose of maintaining no contact....you may as well call her, tell her you love her and that you want her back....it'd be cheaper for a start All jokes aside James, she is probably *expecting* you to send her a card/flowers or even just call her...but at the moment, you shouldn't be giving her what she expects...you have to do the opposite. She knows you love her, she knows you want her back....repeating it over and over, whether through words or gestures (flowers), won't make her change her mind....making her insecure just might.

Again determined - well done for not contacting her. I know that I've said it a few times, and you may think that I am *just saying it*...but I'm not - you are doing so well during such a tough time. I'm in awe bro. Remember I said a couple of days ago that you may start feeling angry mate? It's natural....the important thing is not to make any rash decisions or take any action on the spur of the moment. If you feel like telling her exactly how you feel, write a letter...and don't send it. Tell yourself that you'll send it in a week if you still feel the same way - I guarantee that after a week you'll feel differently. At the moment you are going through a range of feelings - anger, hurt, despair...and even moments of feeling happy (although those 'happy' moments may be few and far between). So to act on how you're feeling *at this very moment* is not the best thing to do when you can't be 100% certain about how you'll feel in a couple of days. I acted out of anger...and it's the worst thing I could have done. So definitely avoid (as tempting as it may seem) giving her a good serve. As to what happens if you get back together? Well, that is entirely up to you. I'm someone who finds it quiet easy to forgive....but very hard to forget and thus, there would always be some friction if a reconciliation was to eventuate in my situation. If you are able to let go of the past and start 'fresh', then do it. Pretend that it is the first time you are going out...she will have to do her part though, and that means cutting contact with her now BF (hopefully ex)...and committing herself completely to you. Bottom line - it has to be a new start for BOTH of you. Valentines is a definite no go. Now I am not promising anything here...and I have no way of knowing for sure....BUT, I suspect that your ex may see Valentine's as a milestone (as far as you're concerned). She may think that you aren't contacting her....but that there is NO WAY that you can let Valentine's pass without contacting her. I'm going out on a limb, but she may very well *expect* you to contact her on Saturday. For that reason, it is imperative that you don't. Keep her waiting mate...keep her guessing. Valentine's day will come and go...and I can say with almost complete certainty that she will wonder why you didn't say 'Boo'. You are in the box seat determined (although you may not feel like it). You have all the power in the world at the moment - she doesn't know why you haven't called, she doesn't know what you did last weekend....and remember, she has a distraction (BF)....she will wonder how you can be so strong without one. Chin up bro....I really am proud of you (in a manly way of course mate )

More a vent than anything else here guys….although any opinions would be appreciated. I will attempt to keep this as short as possible as it is a long, long story. So point form will suffice initially. - Went out with a girl for year - She broke up with me 14 months ago (December 2002) - She started seeing someone 1 month later (despite 'needing to be single') - 2 weeks later, her brother informs me that the whole family (of 7) don't like the guy, but her parents are supportive of her decision in that it's *her* decision. - During this time, we are in contact….and she kept me 'in the game' (so to speak) by playing down her new relationship - April 2003: I have a brain explosion, verbally abuse her and call her on her games….we lose touch lol - September 2003: I resume email contact…superficial, but mostly friendly (she is still with her BF) - November 2003: I realise I'm getting nowhere, so decide to forget it - December 2003: She resumes contact…again, I feel like I am making more of an effort, so forget about it (again) in January 2004 - February 2004: I send a group email, she responds and I am 'short' with her in my reply…..she calls me the next day. During the conversation, it comes to light that she is still with her BF, they are planning on buying a house together…and (I assume) an engagement is imminent (her brother still informs me that the family aren't thrilled, but will go along with any decision she makes). She peppers our phone conversation with statements (in relation to buying a house with the BF etc.) such as "…but it's only early days" and "…but it's a long way off". There were other comments about 'arguing all of the time' as well. I sensed that she was trying to rope me back into being a safety net for her…something that I am doing my best to steer clear of. For that reason I sent her an email yesterday. I guess I wanted to make it clear to her that I had disregarded her 'semi-negative' comments about her relationship and I wanted to make it crystal clear what *I* had taken from the conversation. I also wanted to indicate that this was, in a way, 'goodbye'. An excerpt from the email is below: "Hey, Just wanted to say that it was really nice hearing from you the other night. You sound really happy and everything sounds like it's going brilliantly…plus you'll soon be a homeowner!!! I'm really happy for you babes." As far as I'm concerned, that is the last time I will contact her (I ended the email with "Good luck with everything, take care". But there is a big part of me that is mourning. I feel that I have finally reached the end of a 14 month journey and I have lost. There are parts of me that want to believe that her relationship won't work out, that she will realise what she is missing out on and that perhaps her family will finally express their concerns to her. I want to believe that she called me because she missed me, that things aren't that great with her BF and that there is a part of her deep-down that wonders if she made the right decision. I want to believe it….but I can't. I also realise that there has been so much that has happened between us that it would make getting back together a futile exercise. I guess I realise that my fight is over, that she will more than likely marry the guy she is with…and it will be *me* and not *her* who travels through life wondering 'what if?' I feel down, I feel frustrated and I feel a sense of loss just as strong as the one I felt the day we broke up. I know that this feeling will (eventually) subside, but there is a big part of me that doesn't want to stop feeling this way…because to do so means admitting that I was wrong about her, wrong about me….wrong about 'us' the whole time. Dayum.

Just a quick note in relation to this statement. I have felt intense feelings for someone after they broke up with me. All the problems we had, all the arguments and screaming matches seemed to disappear to nothing when I lost her....she all of a sudden became "The One" in my mind....even though deep-down I knew that she wasn't. It was a case of me wanting (more than ever...until it hurt) something I couldn't have. I would have (and did) deny it to anyone who challenged me on it though. Now I'm not saying that this is the case in your situation at all...please don't think that. But I'd advise you to have a good hard think about *exactly* why you want her back...is it because she is with someone else? Is it because you're scared of being single? What would be different if you *were* to get back together? Only you can answer those questions...it was just that sentence you posted that made me think "Hmmmm...."

James, I agree with spiderman with regards to the 'consolation prize' situation. Maintaining no contact restores self-pride and gives you the feeling of having more control over the situation. Don't be anyone's doormat....and now is the time that you have to do what's best for YOU, not for her. When you start putting yourself first and not pandering to her wants, her behaviour toward you will change...watch and see. And as I said before, no contact helps you to move on *as well* as making you more attractive to your ex. Thanks for clarifying the point in relation to you being friends before going out. That definitely leaves you in a reasonable position to resume a friendship somewhere down the line. The main obstacle to this at the moment however, is that there are some strong feelings involved (from both sides) and it's not clear to define exactly what constitutes 'friendship' and what constitutes 'ex behaviour' (for want of a better term). By all means, be her friend if that's what you genuinely want to do and if you truly think you can handle it....but keep in mind the potential heart-break you leave yourself vulnerable to if she starts seeing someone....and it's not you.

Hi James, Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about the situation you're in - it's a horrible feeling I know. Now to clarify a few things. It is impossible for your ex to want you as a friend right now....no matter what she says. We all go through a period of mourning after a relationship - whether *we* are the one who ended it, or the one on the receiving end. The reason she says she wants to be friends is because she wants to remain in contact with you....not as a friend, but as some means of security. That doesn't mean she is intentionally using you, it is a natural human reaction. After any significant relationship ends (and yours was 2 years long), there is a gap in each life that is difficult to fill...although at times, we try - which can explain your ex's new BF. You may find that your ex contacts you quite regularly at the moment....but *if* she becomes more comfortable in her current relationship, that contact will dwindle and you will be left scratching your head. You concluded your post by stating that you want her back more than anything in the world and you are no doubt wondering how to go about it. The irony is that the answer is actually in your own post. To give yourself the best chance of getting her back: Give up, move on and maintain 'no contact'. All of these actions are actually related. Firstly - No contact is *essential*! Giving up and moving on? They are obviously the best and most healthy option for you in regards to healing...but remarkably, they are also the 2 things that will make you most attractive to your ex. If you don't feel like giving up just yet, and don't feel like moving on....you at least have to give your ex the impression that that is what you are doing. Remarkably (again)...no contact is the 'tool' that you use to demonstrate this to her...and if she contacts you - continue to give her the impression that you are moving on. It sounds easy, but it has to be done just right. Saying things to get a reaction (ie "I've got 6 girls after me....I dunno what to do") is just too obvious and she'll see straight through it. Being subtle....being vague about what you did with your weekend etc. is the best way to handle it. Good luck James - keep us posted, and stay strong

Hey determined. Mate, well done! You are showing real strength my friend. I'm happy to hear that you had a good weekend and that it seemed to distract you a bit...keep busy! It's natural for you to feel down at the moment bro....you've had a great weekend, and then after all of that activity and being surrounded by your friends, you find yourself back into your usual routine. I always found Sunday evenings/Monday mornings the worst. Coming home to an empty flat, feeling tired and nothing to occupy my time except thoughts of my ex. You mentioned that you're tired...you'll find that how you feel emotionally will mirror the way you feel physically. When you're tired or stressed, you'll feel more depressed. Whenever you start to feel down, always think about how you feel physically as well - if you don't feel the best, chances are that it is contributing more than a little to your mental state. This week will be a long one determined. I'm not going to sugar-coat it for you - I won't ever do that, I'll always be honest. You'll find yourself wondering more than ever why she hasn't called and your urge to contact her will feel almost uncontrollable...but you have to control it. You may even feel yourself getting really angry...that's more related to the ol' 'fight or flight' response. You either want to run as far away from the thing (or person) causing you pain, or you'll want to fight it (ie hurt her back). Under no circumstamces (while you want her back) should you ever act on that anger - you'll say something you'll regret and want to retract it immediately....and without even realising it, you find yourself back in the submissive role (also known as 'square one'). To answer your question: Yes, sit tight. Use this time to prepare yourself for when she nexts calls (she will call....don't think she won't....she definitely will)....think of questions she may ask you (you know her well, so you probably can guess what she will ask) and prepare your answers. Remember, your answers shouldn't give too much away, you have to remain aloof and definitely give her the impression that you're doing ok without her. I once shocked my ex with a simple answer - I had been an emotional wreck for weeks and she had complete control over the situation. Anyway, we didn't speak for a couple of weeks....when she did call, she asked me how I was. All I said was "Better than what I thought I would be actually". It really took her by surprise and she proceeded to follow it up with about 20 more questions lol. Of course, I faltered during those '20 questions' and made her feel secure. I literally assured her (by the end of the conversation) that I hadn't met anyone, that I did miss her and that I would take her back in a second. At the end of the day determined, there's an old saying about learning from your mistakes...you have the opportunity now to learn from mine Stay strong mate - I really admire the way you are handling this!

luxe, I agree with the advice given thusfar - definitely don't contact him before you go. I'm an Australian living overseas (London) and I have to say that I came over here with a broken heart, but had such a fantastic time and met so many people that I found it alot easier to move on. Contacting him now won't achieve alot to be honest....it will make you feel worse, and you'll find yourself dreading leaving home for 5 months instead of looking forward to it (I know of what I speak ). Go overseas, see how you feel and then if you still feel the need...send an email or a postcard. If I was you, I'd pick a date.....a deadline if you like....and on that day, decide if you want to go ahead and contact him. As drea said, if/when you do contact him...keep it superficial...keep your cards close to your chest and by no means tell him you miss/love him - just send something that you would send to any other friend. Keep your chin up, I know it's hard!

Exactly Beec. I apologise if you made that point earlier and I missed it....this thread has got so many words in it Cheers 8)

In my experience, being completely honest (direct) is not always the best poilicy. I would personally have tried to be non-commital. It is a very awkward question to have been asked and has obviously made you feel unsure as to what answer would bring her closer to you. I would have texted back saying "I really don't think this is the type of question we should be asking each other...it just makes things awkward." By sending it, you haven't said yes or no and you have told her how being asked the question makes you feel. I know you've already replied, and to me, there wasn't anything wrong with the way you responded. If she asks further down the track though, I'd ask her not to ask that question again. If you want this girl back, maintain an air of mystery...don't appear to be completely available....it'll just make her feel safe.

Firstly, thanks for your response and encouraging words Michael...and you made a very good point! determined, You are doing really well mate. I know it's hard to do at the moment...but you have really got to try to look at the big picture and once you see it, keep focussed on it. I think you are starting to realise that. Weekends may come and go...and this whole process may take longer than you would like it to. But at the end of the day, as long as you have 'the ball', you the have power.(BTW, I love the title of this thread....great analogy bro! ). Always try to remember how it feels to be without 'the ball', and how easy it is to lose it. You have already said that usually you would have contacted her on Wednesday or Thursday...that's brilliant that you didn't! You should be proud of yourself, because I know how much effort it takes to stop sending even a "How are you?" text. It sounds harmless….but what she will read into it (as you would read into it if she sent the same text) is…"Oh, they're thinking of me"….but at the end of the day, you don't want her to know what you're thinking. The next thing I'm about to say is probably what you'll hear hundreds of other people say...and it's not something that you want to hear (nor did I). But (hear it comes...) Move on with your life and keep busy! Now the reason *most* people will tell you that is because they don't want you to get stuck and they want you to just forget about your ex ("more fish in the sea" and all that). But I know that forgetting about your ex and meeting someone else is the last thing you're thinking about...just how I felt in the same situation. The reason I am saying it to you is this: When you spend time by yourself, nights in and alone...days DRAG! Weeks feel like an eternity and you can't even begin to imagine a whole month passing. When you have time to dwell on the situation, it will consume you and you will ultimately feel terrible. By getting out and about, catching up with friends that you haven't seen for a while or just doing things that you enjoy (even if you don't feel like it)…time will go by quicker and it's not as hard to maintain 'no contact'. Force yourself to go out, and in the end…you won't have to….you will want to. I know for me that when I was in a relationship, spending a night in alone was fine….the week after we broke-up, it was a complete nightmare and the last thing I felt like doing. As for how I felt when my ex called – well, she called on the landline so I didn't know it was her. It took me completely by surprise to be honest. It has opened my eyes quite a lot. I had built her up to almost 'celebrity-like' status because I hadn't spoken to her for ages….and it was almost a reality check to actually talk to her. She hasn't changed much. Still with the BF…said that they are planning to buy a house at the end of the year….and then added '...but it's only early days…"…and "…but it's a long way off…". That actually amazed me. Here we are, over a year down the track, she is planning on buying a house with him...and she is still playing their relationship down. Contradictions aplenty…and I can only assume it's some kind of effort to illicit an internal response from me (ie throw me a little bit of bait to keep me interested.) To be completely honest, the phone-call was good – I feel better for having spoken to her (not worse), I don't have any hope of a reconciliation and I got exactly what I wanted…my long-lost ball!!

determined, I thought I'd share this with you. The reason I started visiting this board is because I was going through a bit of an emotional time. My ex and I lost contact after having a BIG falling out over her new BF last April. The reason we fell out is because she strung me along for months, and when I couldn't take it anymore, when she had started to 'discard me' if you like...when I literally had hurt as much as a man could for 5 months, I told her exactly what I thought of her. I called her on all of her emotional games...told her how predictable her behaviour was, how she had used me until she didn't need me and I also let rip about the new BF....I'd never met him, but was able to use the info she had given to me about him as ammunition. I made it easier for her to walk away…because she was able to blame me; she was able to use anger as an incentive to walk away. Ironically, for all the she had put me through…I turned out to be the bad guy. That was April. Anyway, a few months went by...and I knew that there was no turning back - I'd said stuff that I couldn't take back, so I just got on with it. Believe it or not, I eventually felt relief that the drama had ended...but at the same time, I missed her. So, September arrived........I still thought about her and decided to email her - a very superficial email, just asking how things were. She made me wait 2 weeks for a reply, but she replied. She got a few low-blows in mind you....she dropped names of places she was planning holidays (with the BF) etc. We exchanged a few emails…and the tennis ball was left with her (I replied last). So, in October, I sent another superficial email…I figured I would slowly try to build bridges. The same result as September….without the low blows…..but the ball was once again left with her. At the start of November (noticing a pattern here lol), I emailed again…this time, the emails were much more friendly….the ball was in her possession once more however. So I decided to give up. I thought 'Leave it...this isn't getting anywhere'. I also realised that some of her emails had been quite short (short but friendly) and I just felt that I was making more of an effort than her. So I continued with my life….then, in the middle of December, out of the blue, she emailed me. I realised that even though it had only been an occasional email, I had got into her head a little. Stupidly I replied in my normal happy-go-lucky, friendly manner……and the ball stayed…guess where? lol January…I emailed again…same story as November. Damn I was starting to miss that ball So I made a conscious decision to wrestle it from her possession. Yesterday I sent a group email (to 60 people)…just an email about what I'd been up to…a few funny stories etc. She was the first to reply. I saw my chance and jumped at it. I didn't reply in my friendly manner…I sent a one-line email…she replied….I sent another one-line email…she replied….I didn't…..and I got that ball. Right, to be honest I felt better than what I should have…all I'd done was been a bit short with her and not replied to her email, right?….but I still considered it a victory. Well tonight, after almost 10 months of not hearing her voice, 10 months of missing her and 5 months of me making a big effort to be sweet, friendly and supportive in emails to no avail…..she called. Why did she call? Because she thought I was pissed off with her. And that my friend, is why you have to be strong and keep your cards close to your chest. Now I don't know where I'm heading at the moment…I've made a break-through, and the ONLY reason I made that break-through is because I got hold of the ball. If you get it…which you will….never give it up.

determined, Firstly, it won't push her away. You have 2 options if she calls...say yes you'll see her....or no you're busy. In effect she has 2 options as well....she will call you....or she won't. Now tell me this honestly - which one of HER actions will make you hurt more, and make you want her more? Answer: If she doesn't call. Why? Because she has given you an indication that maybe she doesn't need you as much as you would like her to. I will say it again - that is how you have to make her feel!! When she seems unavaliable, you miss her more. When she hurts you, you want her more. And when she does this, it can lead to you taking action....action that WILL push her away (ie feeding her hunger for security). And one very important thing: What is this "no-hope land" garbage mate? You can't look at it that way at all. It's a weekend determined, that's all it is. On Monday she was crying, telling you she loves you....and you're going to overlook that and give up hope if you don't hear from her before the weekend? This is what I'm talking about determined...when you're hurting as much as you are, it is very easy to lose perspective and it's very easy to weaken and do something silly. If you don't hear from her before the weekend, I guarantee that you'll start planning to call her next week. You'll start thinking of reasons/excuses to call her. You'll start thinking of the 'perfect thing to say' that just may change her mind (you may already be thinking about it now). Like I've said - I've been there mate and I know EXACTLY how you feel and I'm guessing that I am pretty close on my prediction of what you're thinking as well. I'm not trying to be mean, I hope it doesn't come accross that way mate. You really do have to trust me on this determined....which is alot to ask of you when you don't really know me....but do it anyway.

And this is where you have to be strong determined. Look at the sentence you wrote. "if this doesn't come about"....No my friend - go out with the other girl on Friday NO MATTER WHAT. What message does it send to your ex if you have kept Friday night free for her....or even worse, that you are willing to CANCEL PLANS to see her? If she phones, simply tell her "Sorry, I've already got plans - if you'd called me earlier in the week I may have been able to make it." I know how it feels to desperately want to see her...I know that you are actually willing her to call you and ask you to go to Newcastle....but NOW is where your actions matter most. Look at it this way...if she calls, then she obviosuly wants to see you. Remember....you are not meant to give her what she wants! As Beec has already said - she will want what she can't have. If you tell her you're busy, you have attained the upperhand. You have placed doubt in her mind about the power she has over you. Seriously bro. Do this and she will be thinking "Whoa...what's happened here?" Believe me and trust me mate. No matter how much you may think that seeing her is a good thing....it aint.

determined, Likewise mate....I read your posts and could see my story from a year ago. Almost identical. Amazing really. Firstly, no you definitely haven't gone too far. So relax....it was only a matter of days ago that she told you she loved you. You haven't pushed her away and she is still as insecure as ever about losing you. As I said earlier - it's that insecurity that you have to exploit in order to get her back. You asked how I messed up? I didn't commit to 'no contact'...simple as that. I swung like a pendulum - one day telling her that I couldn't speak to her anymore - the next re-commencing contact. A couple of times I had my mind completely set on not contacting her....I actually told her that I didn't think I could ever speak to her again and I knew I could do it. (I'd actually set myself a goal of 2 months). BOTH times I attempted it, she texted me within 3 days....and I crumbled. I slipped back into the submissive role....being there for her...until eventually she didn't need me. In a nutshell, she strung me along (BF isn't great...still love you...miss our chats....etc etc) and I kept telling her how I felt - she KNEW that she could have me if she wanted me or if things didn't work out with her new BF. Once she felt secure in the new relationship however, her behaviour towards me changed….she felt secure with him, so didn't need me as a safety-net anymore. Looking back, I really kick myself. If I hadn't crumbled and resumed contact, she would have come back - I'm actually friends with her brother, who has told me as much. Basically your ex's new BF is an unknown quantity to her....she's not sure whether it will work out and so needs some reassurance that you are available if it doesn't. She will keep you there as long as she needs to…and then back right off when she feels more comfortable with him. So obviously the key is to not let her become too comfortable in her new relationship. How do you do that? Make her worry about losing you. She is worried already…..make her worry more. If you decide to cut off contact….do it calmly and use a matter-of-fact approach. Even write it down before you say it. Simply state that you feel as though you are being held back and aren't able to move on because of the way things are. Even tell her that you've got your eye on a girl, but you want to be 'completely free' before you act on it. So it's probably for the best if you don't speak for a while. Now be ready for 2 things: One- her reaction (as I've already said…crying…telling her she loves you…she doesn't want to lose you etc)…but give NOTHING away. Tell her it's for the best and you both have to stay strong. Don't tell her you love her, don't tell her you want to be with her….just tell her that this is something you have to do in order to 'move on'. The number 2 thing you should be ready for is YOUR reaction. You'll feel guilty, you'll feel as though you've pushed her away. You'll have the urge to phone her and tell her that the girl you spoke about 'isn't anything serious'….but DON'T. That makes her feel secure….and remember – her security is the enemy. Imagine how she'll feel….you've cut off contact, you've got your eye on a girl, and she is left (alone) with a guy that she isn't sure about. How do you think she's going to spend her evenings? She'll be wondering where you are…who you're with….how you can be so strong and not call her….she will be an insecure mess determined, believe me. And it won't be long before she comes running. But even then....you aren't on safe ground. IF she comes running back...she will play the same game. She'll call you, tell you she's missed you and that she loves you. It's at that point that you have to have REAL strength. Ask her what's changed? Is she still with her BF? If she is...politely tell her that you can't stay in contact with her...stick to your plan. When that phonecall ends, she will be more insecure than ever...and then she may actually take some action. When myself and my ex first broke up (our second weekend apart)….I mentioned to her that I had gone clubbing (something I hadn't done for ages). Anyway she asked how my night had gone and I innocently said "Really good thanks, just had a few drinks and a laugh". She called me 3 days in a row after that…..it was only on the third call that she said "Why are you being evasive about Saturday night? Have you met someone??". I laughed and reassured her that I hadn't. It was then I realised just how insecure I could make her by being vague (and it wasn't even intentional!). If only I'd stuck to it mate… Keep me posted bro

Precisely Beec, It always amuses me (well...frustrates me) to hear about an ex telling someone that they love them, that they miss them....actually crying about it - like they have no darn choice in the matter!!! If they are THAT miserable....get out! As for asking her to drop the new BF, I disagree. Ultimatums aren't much good...backing someone into a corner and *forcing* them to choose can cause resentment. My advice would be for 'determined' to take the high moral ground....along the lines of: "Listen *insert ex's name*, if I was in your BF's position, I wouldn't be too happy about you and I staying in contact. I think it just confuses the situation and I think we should stop contact....of course it'll hurt and I don't want to lose contact with you - but at the same time, it's the right thing to do" In a way, it's an ultimatum - she then knows that she can't have both in her life....to stay with her BF means losing 'determined'. Unwittingly 'determined' has forced her to make a decision without her even realising it.

determined, I've been following your story quite closely….as it has incredible similarities to mine. (my ex started going out with someone her family disapproves of within weeks of us breaking up). That was a year ago….they're still together and her family still disapproves. I would love to be in the position you are in right now – I was once, but I blew it….and if you're not careful you'll blow it as well. Mate, it's hard….it feels damn near impossible at times – but you can win her back. I won an ex back once (years ago) because of the way I acted after our break-up. With my last girlfriend (a year ago), I didn't play it right and I lost her….simply because my feelings were much stronger for the 2nd girl than the first, and I lost perspective and objectivity. Look at the facts of your situation: She says she loves you She is with someone else Firstly, with all due respect – those 2 facts don't go together…in ANY situation….especially when it is HER choice to be with the other guy over you. One is fact (her having a boyfriend) and one is merely words (ie she SAYS she loves you….but what are her actions saying?). Your biggest ally in this situation is insecurity – HER insecurity. She is doing everything in her power (just as my ex did) to keep you interested. She badmouths her boyfriend, she tells you she loves you, she entices you to reciprocate…and then when you overstep the mark (ie asking to meet up etc)…she all of a sudden backs off. My ex used to dis her new BF to me…tell me she loved me….say that she didn't think her new BF was her type….and that she thought I was a far better BF than her would ever be. Like I said earlier – one year later and she is still with the guy that she painted as a 'loser'. Ask yourself a question: What does she do at the moment that hurts you most? I bet the answers are things like this: When she mentions her new BF, when she doesn't call, when she acts a bit distant. Another question: What does she do that makes you feel most secure? Answers: Tells you she loves you (although it hurts you, it gives you hope), she talks down about her new BF etc. Making sense so far? Right, so the KEY here is to mirror her behaviour (the behaviour that hurts you most)…in order to make HER feel insecure. Don't call….if she asks why…tell her that you were busy….she'll ask 'Doing what?'…you say that you were out with a friend….she'll ask "Who?" and…you tell her it's just a girl that you know. Refuse to answer any more questions and stay vague. Imagine yourself in her shoes – how would that make you feel? HURT AND INSECURE!….remember, that's the way you want her to feel. If you do get into a deep conversation about each other, tell her "I made a decision a little while ago to not waste my time loving someone I can't be with……so I'm moving on." I guarantee that she will end up telling you that she loves you…she will cry…all in an attempt to gain some security for herself. If you cave a little…she will back off. So THIS is when it is most important to stay strong….and stick to your original statement. At times you'll have to be harsh, you'll feel like you saying things that are mean and you'll feel scared that your 'pushing her away'. Ignore those feelings mate….trust me. To illustrate my point…ask yourself this: How has she treated you? She is with another guy, she says things that hurt you, she says she's going to call and doesn't. Pretty mean, huh? And just how far has her 'mean' behaviour pushed you away?….not at all, in fact it's probably drawn you further in. Feel free to ask questions bro.