majord23
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Everything posted by majord23
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Good morning to you! ....the above quote holds your answer GeeCee. It's simple really: It usually turns sexual. What would surprise him?....if it didn't.
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Geecee: 8 days was a great effort babes (proud of ya!) Particularly considering that sex was involved on your last meeting with your ex. You be the ice-woman!!! Beec alluded to (and I forget his exact words) attacking from a different angle. I agree completely. Something has to change in your situation...I don't know what it is yet, but something has to break the mini-cycle that your situation is either in, or heading for. It sounds like you had a great phonecall with him....but what has changed? Hmmm...a bombshell needs to be dropped or perhaps something more subtle (stealth weapon!) - your ex needs a surprise (and no, I don't mean more sex!!! ) Speak soon
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spatz, It's getting closer to your ex arriving and naturally you are anxious, but don't let that affect the way you act. You know when she arrives, and you are worrying about when she will contact you....so much so, that you will feel sick with worry if you haven't heard from her within 24 hours of her arriving - am I right? Think about it for a minute mate. *She* was the one that suggested meeting up when she came back - it will happen, she wants to see you and she *will* contact you. Don't force it mate and don't act on anxiety or worry....you'll appear over-keen and you will consider anything that doesn't go 'quite to plan' as a major set-back: It's easy to blow things out of proportion when you are where you are right now. You have to remain cool and calm spatz...you've come so far and you've done so well. Don't lose the plot now!! I repeat: She wants to see you (she said it!!). Just relax, stop focussing on Sunday as D-Day and play it cool. spatz-------> 8)
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Can't believe I missed this! Great Stuff determined! You sound like you are living the highlife The more I hear about your situation, the more confident I become that ultimately the decision will be *yours* mate. If what your friend says is true, it won't be long before the 'honeymoon' is over and she will try to increase her presense in your life.....just to test the waters. You will then have to decide which way you want to react....to get her back, or to tell her that she has missed her chance. Whichever decision you make will be the right one. I (again) cannot say how much I admire your strength mate....you have taken actions within weeks, that some (myself included) could not have take in months. Well done. Geez...it's 2am!! ......................................
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To all non-believers, there is hope. She's back back!!!!!!!!
majord23 replied to danimal77's topic in Getting Back Together
Congrats danimal, That really is fantastic news. I've followed your story and it seems that after trying no contact for a while, you decided that you were strong enough to have contact while not making yourself appear at all vulnerable....and indeed almost indifferent to your ex's behaviour. Definitely a brilliant way of winning someone back if you have the strength to do so.....always keep them guessing! Well done my friend, enjoy! -
Rich, In order for this to have any chance of working, you *both* have to let go of the past. If either of you hold resentment it isn't going to work. No, you shouldn't be looking at setting conditions....you shouldn't even be considering taking such action at the moment. My suggestion would be to view this as a *completely* fresh start (tell her so if you feel the need) otherwise the underlying frustration will boil to the surface and it won't be pretty. I know you're fed up and I know that you feel that you are being strung along. I don't blame you at all as I would feel exactly the same. The simple fact is that if the 'anti-ex' feelings are going to rule your behaviour and are showing no signs of subsiding then you have to ask yourself if she is really the woman you want. If you're willing to do anything to get her back, then do anything to get her back. If you're not, walk away....no-one could blame you bro.
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spatz, ....and you thought Niemi had a blinder? You've played twice as well mate A couple of points to focus on: She responded immediately She asked questions, when there wasn't really a need to That is fantastic! I would leave it now bro, but things are looking really good - you have every right to be happy BUT (and only trying to keep you grounded) don't let this affect your behaviour too much and don't try to rush things....just keep 'playing it cool' as you have been doing and let her make the next move. I would say that you'll hear from hear on Sunday (possibly enquiring about the match) if not before. I've got very little advice mate....(it's hard to advise a man that's smiling from ear to ear...which you *should* be!)
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Hey spatz, Just on my way out, so sorry for the quick reply. It's completely your call bro. As long as you can remain aloof there shouldn't be a problem at all. Always take the worst-case-scenario into consideration before taking action though mate. How will you react if she takes a few hours to reply? Or a day? Or not at all? You don't feel too bad at the moment and you are risking losing that sense of security. If you are truly ready to face that prospect, then go for it!
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GeeCee, You are not mad, you are normal….it is the situation that is mad. It's a bit of a vicious circle too. You go out on weekends to make yourself feel better, inevitably end up missing your ex, wake up tired and hungover which makes you feel worse….probably don't sleep the best that night and then wake up even more tired and more emotional on a Monday morning with the prospect of facing another week at work. I'm guessing that you're probably feeling a bit run down at the moment and that will always affect the way you feel emotionally. d up, huh? It will get better, but you have to allow time to pass in order for that to happen. You may feel as though you are half-way down a slippery-slide to oblivion but if you re-start the cycle (contacting him), then all you are doing is taking yourself back to the top of that slide….and it will only be a matter of time before the ride starts again. You're doing well babes, hang in there and he will contact you. You asked where I am at the moment. Well, I'm doing ok. I've been seeing a girl for about a month and things are going well. She is a bit of a commitment-phobe (as am I) so things are moving slowly (emotionally…hell, we all have physical needs! ) which is a new experience, but at the same time a positive one. I am in a bit of an awkward situation in that I am good friends with my ex's family….we all met up on Saturday night and usually on these occasions my ex doesn't come….I haven't seen her in well over a year. Well, right up until the last minute I faced the prospect of her being there with her BF. She (apparently) was apprehensive because she was worried that her siblings would be "all over me" and ignore her BF (they don't like him)….but I was told that she would come along nonetheless. In the end, she pulled out and I assume that it was because she found out that my new girl was tagging along. Such relief!! (would have been quite awkward for all concerned methinks). Ended up having a great night and my new girl got along with everyone (bonus points to her for more than one reason). I suspect that if my ex has only just found out about my situation that I may receive some contact in the not-too-distant future….but she has burnt her bridges as far as I am concerned and I have no desire for any kind of relationship with her – not even friendship. To answer your other question, I didn't really have anyone help me through my situation….I just lived through it and learnt a lot by looking back and seeing my mistakes. I have also worked in a female-dominated profession for quite a few years and have helped friends through break-ups and in some cases reconciliation's. I've found it really helpful in that I get a female perspective on just about everything….more than any psychology degree could give me that's for sure!
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GeeCee, I am sensing that you are going to contact him shortly…so I want to remind you of something and also set you a (realistic) mini-challenge. Remember this: He has not been able to last more than 10 days without contacting you I suggest you wait until day 11 (you're half-way there already!)…and if you still feel the same then by all means contact him. Contacting him now may make you feel (momentarily) better…but what if he doesn't respond immediately? Or what if he doesn't respond at all? That aint gonna make you feel better at all hunny. On the other hand, imagine how brilliant you are going to feel if *he* contacts *you* first!!!!! 11 days babes….push him beyond his comfort zone….personally I don't think that he'll last that long. C'mon GeeCee – we all know that you can do it, and you know you can do it!! You have to break the cycle GeeCee.
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Hey GeeCee, The opinion I gave yesterday was my honest opinion based on a variety of things….but mainly based on my own experience. I thought I should explain where I'm coming from. I once had a girl break-up with me because her ex began to show interest in her again. Anyway, I went home for Christmas (Australia) and vowed that on my return I would maintain no contact…I did, and within 2 days of arriving back in the UK she had texted, called and emailed so I caved and went to meet her for a drink. We got on like an absolute house on fire, and ended up in bed. Being a naive young lad in a big city I assumed that we were on the path to getting back together (we hadn't discussed 'us' the whole night). The next morning I was shattered to hear her words "This doesn't change anything y'know." Obviously I was devastated but maintained a dignified demeanour, resisted the temptation to push her when she was heading down the stairs and said goodbye. I had been used, BIG time….and not once had she thought about my feelings. It was almost like she had deliberately waited until she got what she wanted before coming clean (I should have pushed her down the stairs!). So, a few weeks goes by and I am feeling better about myself…and I didn't contact her at all (I knew she'd call) – when she *did* call and ask to go for a drink, I agreed. The ensuing night was quite possibly the biggest triumph I have ever had over an ex….it was pretty much the same as the first night (in the pub), but I was far more stand-offish. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I said "Yep, someone I've known for a while actually". She asked who and I refused to tell her (I was lying through my teeth)…and can I just add at this point that I should have pushed her down the stairs a few weeks earlier…..so, she got jealous, asked me all the questions under the sun but I didn't budge. It drove her mad. At the end of the night, she got VERY tactile and suggested that we go back to my place. I told her that I was flattered, but I respected myself too much to sleep with her just to make her feel better about herself…..because at the end of the day "it wouldn't change a thing, y'know" (I loved saying those words to her!) At the end of the night, I wished her the best, said "Take care" and kissed her on the cheek. She must have called me about a dozen times over the 2 weeks…and eventually we got back together BUT it was MY decision. My point is this – you are in the same position that I was in, and you have the power to do this to your ex. He WILL call you hunny, He WILL ask to meet up again….the other night was a learning experience more than anything GeeCee – and quite possibly a learning experience that you needed to have in order to be aware of what you now have to do. You haven't cheapened yourself in my eyes at all - you have done the same thing that I, and countless others have done in the past. What really matters is what you do now. I hate the 'game' too babes, it's f^&*&g horrible….but if wanting our exes back and telling them we love them was the solution, we'd all be with them. Unfortunately it aint that easy. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are ok GeeCee – you are a normal person who reacted in a normal way. If anyone on the board tells you that you made a mistake (like I did), it isn't to rub it in…it's to hopefully prevent it from happening again. We aren't disappointed, we are just trying to keep you from harm. xox Ps I should have pushed her down the stairs
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GeeCee, What are we going to do with you girl?? I need to know how you are *really* coping. You give the impression of someone who is very much in control and very positive about life in general....and you seem to be coping really well with the situation BUT is appearing to cope well a true reflection of how you are actually coping? Just interested. Now, as for your situation....I'll be honest and say that it's a big step backwards, but by no means a step out of the game. In effect what has happened is that he has found out that you still love him and he got laid. On top of that, you have given him the impression that he has enough power over you to make you sleep with him while you are "sort of" seeing someone else. That is what he has gotten out of it....all in all, a pretty good night for him wouldn't you say? Now, what have you gotten out of it? Apart from the physical aspect (which I know you appreciated ), you have probably got more questions now than before, and a lot more heartache. You had a really good opportunity last night….he would have been as jealous as hell when you mentioned seeing someone else AND when you refused to confirm or deny whether you'd slept with anyone else it would have driven him bonkers……so you went from driving him bonkers to bonking him…and losing that advantage. As for his text – he simply beat you to the punch. I'm not sure if it's in this thread or 'Security Tennis' but I remember telling someone when attempting to act aloof to end a text with "Take Care"…..sounds like only a small action to take, but look at the effect it has. Don't read too much into it GeeCee – he's playing the game. I hope this post doesn't sound too critical of you….you know I'm got much love for you babes….I think last night was a big mistake, but you've also *potentially* put yourself in a stronger position. You've proved that you have power over him….now you have to withdraw to take advantage of it, otherwise you're going to end up going around in circles. Be strong GeeCee, now is not the time to act and then say "It's just the way I am"…that's an excuse that is going to dig you a deeper hole.
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Great to hear that you're doing well mate! Once you have a little distance, you gain some perspective and realise that either they *are* the one for you or they *aren't*....it sounds like you are realising that she is someone special, and because you have been strong enough to maintain no contact, you haven't spoiled your chances with her by saying anything inappropriate or harsh. I've had that "I know" feeling as well mate....and 9 times out of 10 it's right - I think you end up taking an objective look at your situation and realise that things could be worse. You treated her well, she cares about you and she is in a rebound with a loser....not too bad a position for an ex to be in from your point of view. As for me....haven't heard from my ex again (since the phonecall) and to be completely honest, hand on heart, I don't care. I think I finally achieved closure after hearing from her and I can honestly say that a week after the call, I stopped missing her competely...so that's cool. I did however look back and wonder if I had missed out on someone special over the past 14 months because of being hung-up on my ex. Thankfully, I can't remember anyone...so that's a relief! I've just started seeing a lovely girl, who I really cannot fault - it's only early days, but we'll see. Thanks for the heads-up determined - keep us posted mate, I often wonder how you're doing....it really is great to hear that you're hanging in there bro!
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*^bump^* What's the latest determined? Hope you're doing ok mate.
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Exactly mate - a few weeks is nothing in the big scheme of things.
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No problem spatz - and the quote above is what you have to focus on and be prepared for. You'll probably have a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride until you do actually meet your ex....and that is completely understandable and natural. Just don't act on any of your feelings, whether positive or negative, until next you hear from/see her.
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Greetings fellow enotaloners! The demands of a hectic work and sex-life have prevented me from posting over the last few days....ok, given that my sex-life is imaginery, my excuse loses *some* credibility, but I have been busy nonetheless! GeeCee - It looks as though you're doing really well....I think that your situation differs to others quite alot in that you still have a quite a bit of overt sexual tension between yourself and your ex....so far, you are playing it perfectly. Definitely keep going the way you are going - and continue your 'anti-sex' mantra....as you know, being flirtatious, appearing available but then withdrawing is your BIG trump card. Proud of you girl! Spatz - great sign that she texted you back, and it appears as though you have definitely made inroads. Don't do anything else at the moment though. You had your heart set on talking to her today, but at the same time - she has texted and you have left a message on her voicemail. Any further contact today from you will appear over-keen. Don't be disheartened if you don't hear from her today though mate....just have a look at the message she sent to you!! "thankyou so much for the CDs and the card. it means a lot to me...hope work is going well. Im back in a couple of weeks so im sure il see you and thank you properly x" You really could not have hoped for a better message my friend - The present meant alot to her and she DOES want to see you! Just focus on that....not speaking to her on the phone today may be disappointing, but in my eyes, that message *more* than makes up for it. Well done mate!
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Oh God!! You sound very much like me GeeCee! I used to have a thought in the morning...about an email or text that I would send - but think "Na, I won't send it". It would usually be a new tactic, or sometjing quite drastic. As the day progressed though, the idea would become more appealing and I would get quite excited by the prospect - I would get to the point where there was no turning back - I was sending it and that was that!!! (Sound familiar? ) Unfortunately for me, my theories were never quite proven in the practical arena, and I was always left disheartened Not to say that that is the case with you.....you have me intrigued! What have you got planned trouble? I have a feeling that this is going to be a wild ride 8)
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Spatz, I agree with determined. Wondering whether she is seeing someone else isn't productive. If you decide that she is, you will be gutted. If you figure that she isn't, you will be hopeful....but also frustrated by the fact that she is single when she could be with you. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to assume the worst, and work your way up from there. As always, the best thing is to concentrate on yourself...keep following your plan (no contact etc.) and try not to let her behaviour (or potential behaviour) deviate you from it.
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Glad to hear that you sound positive GeeCee...and yes, a few drinks always clears the cobwebs (I think I may partake in more than my share this evening! ) As for the above statement. It's all about *degrees* of honesty. If we were all to be *completely* honest, we would contact our exes far too much, tell them we love them and want them back...so it could be argued that the 'game' isn't in fact about honesty at all....and that it's quite the opposite. It's about portraying the image of someone who doesn't feel as much for their ex as much as they actually do....in order to coerce the ex to divulge more about *their* feelings....and maybe act on them. In essense, that is what I feel it is about. There are 2 ways to go about it - either withdrawing contact, or being more aloof when in contact. Both have their merits and both are effective in my honest opinion....I am not 'anti' your actions at all....it's a different path that will ultimately (and I have my fingers crossed for you babes x) arrive at the same destination 8)
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I'd disagree with that though GeeCee...slight modifications quite often go unnoticed, believe me.
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Great post spatz I'm not saying that it's true in this case, but we are definitely more inclined to follow advice that is closest to what we *want* to hear.....I know I did GeeCee, No problem at all. The beauty of this board is that there are different opinions available to you...and you can follow the advice that you feel is most appropriate to your situation. How boring would it be, if we all had the same views on what was the 'right' thing to do? If you have decided to contact him, I would advise that you keep it quite platonic. Furthermore, prepare yourself for every eventuality in regards to the consequences of sending a text. ie Prepare yourself not to get a reply......Prepare yourself for a flirtatious response, or a platonic 'straight down the line' one....and think about how you will react to any of these situations. The one piece of advice I would strongly advise you to follow though is this: Don't lose the ball!! It will leave you feeling worse than you are now ....and he will have regained the upperhand. If you do get into a bit of 'banter' with your ex, make sure YOU end the texting....say something like: "Well, I'm off to the pub - have a great weekend!" It will suggest to him that he won't be hearing from you over the weekend...an he will wonder why. Become a bit of a mystery woman.
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I almost fell off my chair bro I agree with the concept that you are talking about in the case of when you first start dating someone....absolutely. If I'd just met someone, sent them a text and they ignored it, of course I would lose interest. But in my eyes and my experience, when a couple have already been together and have already established strong feelings...the rules change. GeeCee's ex will start question why someone who loves him and has been flirtatious with him up until a few days ago...now doesn't feel the need to even respond to a text. GeeCee isn't some girl he has just met....she is his ex, and the prospect of an ex that you thought you 'had it over' no longer being under your power is a daunting one. Case in point - my ex. I responded to EVERY bit of contact she initiated for 10 months, and I initiated my fair share of it as well. Eventually I got sick of making the effort and getting very little back in return....so I ignored one of her emails. After not hearing from her through any other medium other than emails for those 10 months.....she called me. Why did she call? Because she wondered why I hadn't replied to her email....she rang me, and she was completely transparent....all she wanted to know was whether she still had control over my emotions, because me not replying to her email indicated to her that she didn't. GeeCee, you have replied to his texts before, you have tried this approach and it hasn't got you very far...I just think that you need to make him wonder about *why*, on this occasion, you haven't. Your call.
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I'm grinning from ear to ear GeeCee...that is fan-*^&ing-tastic!!! Wasting time? Tell me about it! If I had £1 for every opportunity I missed out on because I was so focussed on my ex, I'd have an extra £4!! ....ok £4 doesn't sound like much, but that's worth about £7 in todays' money
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Determined, Just to reiterate the point that has already been made.....get on with your life mate. That doesn't mean you should give up on this working out nor should you spend all of your time hoping that it does. Don't analyse *anything* that you have heard about your ex, don't try to double-guess why she hasn't called or why she spent the weekend in Newcastle with her bf. It's a vicious circle mate.... 1. You'll analyse 2. You'll get depressed 3. You'll get angry 4. You'll contact her 5. You'll regret contacting her 6. You'll want to retract what you said ...and then you'll either go back to step 1 to analyse her reaction to your contact...or you'll skip a step and jump straight into depression. She WILL contact you determined - I know it and you know it - you just have to be patient and be prepared for it. As I have said before mate, this is a slow process - it aint gonna happen quickly.....no matter how much you want it too. You have proven that you are strong enough to last the distance mate, you really have. This is probably the toughest part - when you feel like you are getting nothing back for all the hard work that you have put in (except for hurtful stories about what she is up to now)...and this is the time when you will be most inclined to contact her in order to get a reaction and make yourself feel (slightly) more secure about the situation. Don't do it mate....for every ounce of security that contacting her may give you, it will give her double.