PaulMn

We did. We both felt comforted by the idea of being a family again, but we both had doubts that we would be happy together. I think it's very unlikely. I think she has started a new life (she is not seeing anybody). But the only way to be sure is to ask for one more try. We had no counselling until October 2006, when we were talking about getting back together. The counselling really hurt my wife, making her live through the pain of the separation again. When I went to see her in October, she seemed positive about the idea about getting back together. After the visit, she said the idea of getting back together made her feel sick, and she had to have time off work because she was upset. She has had almost zero contact with me since then, trying to focus on her work and recovering. We have no kids. The rest of the family is our dog, Jessie. I have still been seeing her - she talks to me, which my wife did not do. My wife knows I have been seeing her. It's hard to cut off contact with somebody who talks to me. I have been really isolated. I think we are already out. I just wonder if I should make one more try, because we should not have split up. We should have seen a counsellor when we stopped talking and sleeping together. I didn't really know anything about relationships, even though I had been in one for 14 years. And she didn't want to talk about our relationship at all. I still feel that what I did was wrong, meeting somebody else, instead of making a better effort to fix the relationship with my wife. Knowing that makes it hard for me to move on. If my wife wanted to give us another chance to be together I would take it, and I would do everything I could to make it work this time. But I don't want to to make her so sad again, if she needs me out of her life.

I was with my wife and family for 14 years. We split up in March 2006 I am wondering if I should try to re-unite my family? Lots of people talk seem to encourage others to move on. There seems to be a lot less encouragement to try to put things back together. I'm worried that if I move on without having given us another chance, that I will keep feeling bad. We had communication problems, (I talk, she prefers not to) but we didn't hate each other when we split up. I had been lonely, even within the marriage, because we did not feel like a couple anymore. So I started seeing somebody else. But I didn't want to lose my family. (I know that makes no sense). I went to stay with my family for a few days in October, to see if we wanted to get back together. For the first couple of days it seemed like we could. But then we both had doubts, and thought we might not be happy together. I think she has moved on, assuming it's all over. She is talking about divorce now. We were together for so long, so I want to know I gave us a real chance for the family to continue. What to do? Paul

I used to sleep over with other students where people did that. I chose to sleep on the sofa instead (I'm English) even though I knew it was perfectly innocent. These were students I knew well, and trusted. I think you could ask her about it, without implying you are condemning it. You could even say, honestly, that you did not know people did that. Then she has a chance to re-assure you. Paul

I felt that I had done enough living. I did not feel hopeless and unable to go on, just that I had had the life I wanted and that those 41 years were enough. But people I trust tell me that things get better, and I can see that with one friend who thought about killing himself but didn't give up. Not long after, he met a brilliant woman and they are now the happiest couple I know. Stick around. See how the movie plays out. And let us know too.

I have had to say goodbye to two dogs. The older one was a wonderful companion and had a full life but had to be euthanised to avoid him suffering. That was nearly three years ago. As time has gone by, I find that the memories I have of him are happy memories that make me feel better. I still miss him, but I know he would not want me to be sad, so I enjoy those happy memories. The younger one was a brilliant dog, and died back in the spring this year after fighting cancer for over three years. When I remember him it still makes me sad sometimes. At some point we accept that they have gone, and then we can remember them without feeling sad, even though we still miss them. With both of them, I know that they had happy lives and that I looked after them, and that helps.

Yes definitely. We had some really good times, and I learned a lot.

I assume it's quite common for people to have doubts about a new relationship (after the initial infatuation wears off)? For example, the relationship is working now while we are dating, but I am not sure whether the relationship will work in the long term. Not because there is some obvious problem, more just because we can't know in advance how things will work out. So if there are doubts, how do we avoid the doubts damaging the relationship, especially with a woman who wants to feel that you are committed to the relationship?

Yeah I know, but those aren't the answers I wanted...

When I was 30 I had a partner, a house, a career and 2 little ones (OK, they were dogs, not kids). I thought I was setup for life. Now I am 41, I am renting a single room, and my partner left with the dogs. I have a completely different career. The whole marriage was built on sand. We both wanted to have a partner, and we had the same interests, but we had very different personalities and we could not communicate when we really needed to. When things went wrong, it fell to pieces so fast we couldn't do anything to save it. On a more positive note, it's encouraging that some of so called "older" folks seem to be more relaxed about how long it takes to find a partner. It also sounds like it doesn't matter how long it takes - we can use that time to meet people, to enjoy life, and to learn. In another 11 years, I'm sure things will be different again. I don't know how things will turn out, but I bet I have another dog by then...

My girlfriend does not want to see me until I am divorced from my wife. My wife and I separated 7 months ago. Because that was my first relationship, I did not know how to move on. I was concerned about what would happen to my ex, and felt responsible for her. So I went to see her about a month ago, to see if she wanted me back. I don't think I really wanted to get back with her. She said no, and I am OK with that. But not surprisingly, this upset my girlfriend. I know it seems like an odd way to try to move on, but it did allow me to accept that my ex will be OK without me, so now I feel ready to move on with my girl friend. If this sounds hopelessly clueless, it is. Although I was married for over ten years, that was my first relationship and I feel very inexperienced at starting a relationship. So my girlfriend now says she will not see me until I am divorced, but at the moment my ex has said that she can't deal with that at this time, because she recently started a new job. Any suggestions?

I meant how many months or years were people actually looking for a suitable partner before they found one? I'm not looking at the moment. I was lucky - neither of us was actually looking to find somebody else.

I would like to know how long people here were looking before they found a partner that they are happy with (I know some of us haven't found one yet...)

A lot of people want to believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe they are right, and maybe they are wrong. I hope they're right. What we can try to do, is to make sure that the things that we do happen for a reason, for some worthwhile purpose. Then we can look back and say "that happened for a reason - because it was the right thing to do and I chose to do it".

I was thinking the same thing recently: When you are choosing a partner, you can put your own needs first. Once you are in a relationship, you can't. Is it that simple? I settled. I don't mean she wasn't good enough, but she was not the kind of person I really wanted, and I knew it at the time. That difference gradually pushed us apart, and over ten years later it ended the relationship. For me, the difficulty is how to know if you are settling, as opposed to being realistic about the kind of partner you want, and who would want actually want you.

#1 is not really available. #2 sounds like what you want, but you have to find out if your personalities match, not just your interests. #3 seems more familiar, but I know I have more in common with some people from the other side of the planet than I do with people from 'home', so don't let ethnic or cultural similarities be the deciding factor.