TonyMar75

Wise as always, Dako. This an interesting thread for me because I got dumped just before Christmas, then found out last week that she ran into the arms of another guy immediately and is now practically living with him. Me? This weekend I'm going on my first date since the breakup and am going to tape this quote from Dako on a little card to take along with me.

Well put. Between reading, practicing guitar and interacting with people here, I can say I don't watch much TV. Even considered giving up cable, but I've got a wicked Scrubs/Daily Show/Colbert habit that I'm not ready to kick.

Mind if I ask what age range you're in? Or, if you'd rather, how long have you been at the dating thing? I shudder to think it, much less type it, but I'm starting to feel that urge to...c'mon Tony...settle...You can DO it, Tony!...down. Ahhh. And so the prospect of dating for me is now framed by that, and I'm realizing that it can become a weight if we let it. Perhaps that's where you are right now. Just remember it's only a weight if we let it be. If we want it to be, we use it as motivation to meet as many people as we can in this short life so we can appreciate that journey -- including the detours, potholes and out-and-out ghastly wrecks -- all the more when we've reached the destination.

First, my friend, consider yourself lucky you're with a woman who wants to please you in this way. Then, be thankful you're with one, as Mythical said, who is so good at it. Finally, my bet is she's thankful that it happens so fast, because she KNOWS she's pleasing you, and let's face it, that action gets tiring after a while. Are having actual intercourse with her? I get the feeling the answer is no, but if so, do you climax that soon? That might be a little more of an issue, because it means she's probably not being fulfilled. If not, don't worry about it! Enjoy the pleasure, then ask her what you could do to make HER happy. And by the way, don't cut down on that pleasure by thinking about your grandma. That takes all the fun and purpose out of sex, as far as I'm concerned. Let it be completely blissful, no matter how soon you climax...

There you go, my friend. Way to work it out with the help of the amazing people here. But I have another suggestion for you, and please, don't laugh. My ex broke up with me just after Christmas. I was shocked, then devastated. Amazing what time can do, though. I work with her every day and it was tortuous. Suddenly, though, now it's annoying than painful, though pain is still there. I'm over it -- or, as some here prefer -- THROUGH IT. Sorry, I digress. It wasn't just time that helped. After the shock wore off, (about two weeks), I hit the dating sites. Wait, wait, wait--here me out, everyone. I know there were a lot of people on this thread who say wait to date. I agree--to a point. Which brings me back to the suggestion for all of you reading this thread who are now where I was a month ago. Go to link removed and look around. You don't have to pay to look at what's out there. But there are SO MANY amazing people in this world, and there are some in your area, and you'll see them online. Sure, you'll compare them to your ex, and at first, no one will seem like they could possibly compare. Trust me, that will fade. Time varies for everyone, but it will happen. After looking around, join. Email people. I have already found two amazing connections that really put my recent relationship in perspective. I consider myself self-aware enough to know I'm not ready for a relationship (I wish I could say the same thing for my ex, but I digress once more). However, I've met a couple of amazing people in the past few weeks, and one who I do see as relationship material. So many people are skeptical or downright cynical about online dating. I was. But it was one of the life rafts I use to escape the pull of despair. Try it, and feel free to report back.

Thanks, Annie. I've made up my mind--I'm taking that advice. And thanks to all.

Ouch, that’s painful, Orlander, but true. Thanks for the reminder. I am doing my best to make decisions based on what’s best for me. However, I don’t want to burn this bridge with her. I want to make it a positive experience for both of us. There might be some kind of relationship in the future—a friendship, perhaps, when I’m ready and if she wants that. And I really must admit this or I wouldn’t be truthful with myself or you guys: I don’t want to do anything to squash any feelings she might still have for me, or any glimmer of a notion in her mind that perhaps she made a mistake. That’s not necessarily healthy, I know, but once she’s out of the office for good, I really think I will be free of this and I will really let her go, once and for all. Thanks again.

Thanks Numb. And Orlander, a special thank you to you. You've been so helpful and wise, it's really made this easier for me. You offer some great ideas. You're right, in the end it's just another day at work. But it's also a big milestone in our relationship, and I can't stop thinking about that. And that's why I need to defocus, just like you said...

Thanks, P Fred and Friend. And thanks for checking in, Pisces. I'm literally changing my mind every half hour. Everyone has made such great points, but I know in the end that I have to base my decision on what I know of my own situation. Orlander made a great argument--be strong, be classy, be kind: go in, hold my head up high, wish her luck, and leave it at that. He mentioned telling her how much I enjoyed our time together, but no, I've already done that. If I do go in, I'm not going to pull her aside. I'll tell her good luck if the opportunity arises, but she has hurt me, and chose to be cold to me and tell me she wanted professional contact only. Still, there is part of me that is angry and wants to avoid the whole situation altogether. Why should I care what she thinks about me not showing up on her last day? Well, I do. I love her. I'm still in love with her. I want to do something to show her I AM strong and classy, not a weak coward who has to hide because she still has power over me. Not to get her back, and not for HER, but as Orlander said, for ME, so I can always look back and know that I WAS strong and retained my dignity. We'll see how I feel in an hour! Still open to suggestions from the ena crew. You guys are amazing. Thanks again. Tony

Thanks so much to all. I have a lot of thinking to do, and need to figure it out soon so I can give notice if I do decide to take the day off. I'll keep you posted! Tony

Thanks again, Jayar. You and 4answers have provided two different perspectives and I see the merits in each one. I’m still so very torn. I really want to take the high road and your card idea really sounds like a good one. Maybe I could do both—leave the card on her desk the night before her last day and take the next day off? Any other opinions, anyone? Thanks again.

Thanks to you both! Jayar, it was a nine month relationship.

Hello, all. I need some input, please. Short synopsis. My ex broke up with me a few days after Christmas. I was devastated. I told her I could change (she said I was too selfish). She said she felt like she made the right decision. We work together and see each other five days a week. Last week, I broke down after a month of low contact (just polite exchanges) and asked her to have lunch with me. I told I still wanted to be with her. She didn’t. She sent me an email saying she didn’t want to talk about it anymore and that we should stick with professional contact only. That hurt me more than I can say. It was just so cold. Work has been tortuous, to say the least. I’ve been healing some, but every morning when I see her is like setback. Now I have reason to believe she’s seeing someone else. I really am ready to move on. She obviously has. But it’s so hard when I see her everyday. But here’s my question: Her last day is coming up – it’s Tuesday the 20th. I’m so thankful for it. I don’t think I could have stuck around here much longer. I have a strong urge to take a vacation day that day. I just can’t decide if that’s cowardly or just something that would be good for self-preservation. I’m trying not to consider how she might react to me making that choice. If I do it, I know it needs to be for me. I don’t really feel like I owe her anything except to be civil to her. So many people here on ena have said that about dumpers – they left. We dumpees don’t owe them. We need to move on. BUT--I don’t want to seem like a coward or weak or a jerk in her eyes, so that really makes me feel like I should put on a happy face, come into work that day, wish her the best and be thankful that I can then start the next phase of my healing. I would like to be friends with her eventually, but that’s going to take some time. I know it will be the last time we’ll see each for a while. Then again, she’ll still be working locally and I imagine she’ll be in here occasionally to visit the staff – or in an official capacity for her new job, because she’s going to be doing PR for a non-profit organization and will need to work with our newspaper in that capacity. I know I shouldn’t have any expectations, but I just can’t bear the thought of her walking out the door at the end of her last day without saying any sort of meaningful, private goodbye to me. If I do work that day, I feel like I could be strong and not try to initiate anything like that. If she doesn’t, it will really, really hurt, but maybe it could be another action on her part that helps me get over her for good. Thanks to all for taking the time to read and give some feedback.

Hey, Pisces. So good to hear from you! Thanks for the uplifting words. You're right, it shouldn't matter, but it's funny how it can seem like the most important thing in the world. It really is a Zen trick to push the thoughts out of my mind...

Hey, Breeze. I had to reply when I read your post. My girlfriend dumped me just after Christmas. Within a week, after the initial shock gave way to the realization that this was for real, I was on the dating sites. I didn't necessarily have an intention of running out and dating. But it kept me from going crazy with grief over this woman. I was and still am in love with her, told her so, told her how I could change to make things work. She wasn't having it and now I have reason to believe she may be seeing someone already. So, getting online and checking out the dating sites reminded me that there are TONS of amazing women out there and that, hey, a couple of them might just be interested in me, too. So often us dumpees see our exes as the best thing that has or ever will come our way, and that now we're going to have to settle for someone who is not nearly as good. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Now, six weeks later, I'm still hurting, and honestly, still want to be with her. But I've been corresponding with a few sweet, pretty women I met on the dating sites. Of course I compare them all to my ex and so far none has measured up (in my mind), which says to me that I'm still not healed and need to give it more time before I date. But the sites really have been a lifesaver to help get my mind off of my ex, and I have a feeling with a little more time and patience I'll meet someone who will make me realize that as great as my ex was, there's someone even better for me. I really agree with Frisco. It sounds like as much as you loved him, you knew it wouldn't work. I think my ex feels the same way, and I understand it's very hard for her, too, as it is for you. But after two years, you start to look at things through rose-colored glasses because you're lonely and mourning the loss of someone so close to you -- and the hopes and expectations of what could have been. Now is the time to find yourself again and the new hopes and expectations that come along with it. Be excited about that! I know you can do it.