dnozzle

No contact is not meant to get them back! No contact allows you the time and space to heal, and detach from the situation. Once you have done that, you will see your relationship for what it was, a pack of lies and cheating. Once you have truly let go and analyzed this relationship, you won't want it back.

There is a magic wand for your pain. It is called "letting her go." It really is the only way to get over it.

I'd throw her back. If the makeup sex is bad, it ain't gonna get much better.

You know, I have been thinking a lot about this lately. One thing NC gives you is plenty of time to think. I am starting to think that I don't want to reconcile with her. This whole thing came about because she was slipping into a depression and was unwilling to deal with it, and because I wasn't, and still wanted to plan a future with her. Instead of getting help, or even telling me she didn't want to discuss the future right now until she felt better, she tossed me out with the trash. And she did that knowing full well how much it hurts, since that is exactly what her ex did to her. She wouldn't even talk to me about it. She broke up with me in an email, and added that it was her final decision and that nothing I could do or say would change her mind. Also during my time of thinking, I am realizing that we were just not that great together. She treated me like crap pretty much the whole time, taking all I had to give but giving very little except excuses and hostility in return. I didn't even see it at the time because I was so wrapped up in the relationship, but now I see it crystal clear. I am also realizing that she is just way too immature for me. She is very mature intellectually, moreso than I am in many ways, but emotionally she is still very much a child. She is way more interested in drowning her problems in alcohol than facing it and dealing with her issues. She has surrounded herself with a group of "friends" who are a very bad influence on her, and I think they are behind a lot of this. Most of them are either divorced or in the middle of a divorce, and they go out every weekend drinking until dawn, until they can barely stand, and badmouthing the men in their lives and actually throw divorce parties when one of them gets un-hitched. I think she was right in what she wrote to me in the breakup email. She is stupid. She is throwing away the best thing she has going for her, and her future. If she ever does come back, I really don't know how I will handle it. But lately I am thinking that I won't be too open to the idea of reconciliation. I am worth more than she was willing to give, and I suspect that I am worth more than she will ever be willing to give. So I guess some of that will be up to her, should that day ever come. I'm not waiting for that day anymore though. I am moving on with my life. I am working on me and putting my life back together. I am done worrying or caring about what she wants or needs. This is about me now.

SNORT. That is just really choice. I guess she doesn't realize that "Neanderthal behavior" comes from having your heart broken. Some people never do get that.

Have you suggested blowjobs?

Mine didn't. No card. No gift. Nothing. She did tell a mutual friend that she was blown away by my thoughtful, caring, and undeserved presents that I sent her and her family after the breakup (they were already purchased, non-refundable, and useless to me). But I got nothing. Personally, as the dumpee, I would never again do that. Although she did contact me today, she never even thanked me for the gifts, and I feel like more of a jerk for buying them in the first place, but even more so for sending them and then getting nothing in return.

Well I replied that I was on meds now (in the spirit of disclosure) and that they are helping me a lot...and not to worry about me. That's all.

For it to be a true rebound, he will have to develop real feelings for you at some point. There has to be an emotional investment on his part, so watch for talks of a future together or pushing for things to get serious way too fast. Once he realizes that he doesn't really have those feelings for you (which can take a long time) he will start to pull away and be distant.

She replied: I am better. Considering some meds to even things out, but overall okay. I worry and care about you deeply. Should I respond? I want to say I don't want her care or worry. Just her love.

Yeah she is in serious denial right now. She has had a December depression for at least the last 4 years, and has steps she uses to fight it (diet, exercise, sun lamps, etc) but this year it isn't working for her. Depression runs in her family, and she was medicated once many years ago for it and will only go back to that as a last resort. I thought about sending her one last email, pointing out to her that she is in one of her depressive cycles and should seek help, but that wouldn't do any good. She isn't hearing anything I say. So I will let it go. I also thought about sending a short email saying "do not contact me again until you are ready to have a two way conversation" but that would also just be more contact. So I am initiating NC on my own now. It is for ME. Not for HER.

You should really take this time to work on your own issues. It sounds to me like you have some issues with codependancy. You might want to read some books on that, or look for a support group like Al-Anon or CoDA. Your place in a relationship is not to "take care of" someone. A relationship is 2 people who are happy and healthy being together.

Yes, I am sure she read it. She works with computers all day and can hardly stay off them at night. She obsessively checks her email, so I am sure she got it. Not that it matters. The fact that I SENT it at all is the problem. When a response didn't come within minutes like it used to, I felt all the old pain creeping back up again. She was still in control, and I hated it. The hardest part for me in letting go was never getting any sort of explanation or closure. She never did give any sort of reason for breaking up, other than not being ready to be entrenched in a relationship and that she is currently depressed and in denial about that fact. If she would just come on out and tell me that she doesn't love me anymore, I could take that and deal with it. But she keeps throwing out these signals that it is just an issue of timing, and that she does still have feelings for me. That is why it is just no good for me to have any contact with her at all right now. I figure if she really did love me, she wouldn't have thrown me out like trash in the first place, or at least would not have done so without an explanation.

You cannot make her feel anything. She is in charge of her feelings, and you are in charge of yours. You need to work on you right now and not worry so much about her and how she feels. You need to detach from the relationship for your own well-being.

...and I fell for it. She emailed me to tell me that she was very proud of my grades. Like an idiot, I replied with "thank you. How are you doing?" Since then, nothing. I am putting this here as a reminder to myself not to fall for this again. I have moved her email address to my spam list, and will not check that folder AT ALL until I am completely over her. I am setting a date of July 1 for that, just as an arbitrary date. To anyone in a similar situation, DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP! I was feeling good about myself before this happened. I was letting go. And now I am right back at square 1. Thinking about her. Wondering how she is. Wanting to plead with her to talk to me. It is just not worth that. If someone has broke it off with you, let them go for real. Put them out of your heart and out of your life. It really is the only way to get through this.

She has moved on and let go of the relationship you had. It sounds like you haven't though. If you had, you would not still be hurt by what she said. I say give it another 6 months...at least.

Personally, I'd say RUN AWAY!

You mentioned "intimacy" but what I think you mean is sex. Real intimacy is an emotional state, not a physical one, and you don't have it with her at all. Intimacy is being able to say the things that you need to say, because it is just too hard NOT to say them, and knowing and accepting that saying them is for the good of the relationship, even if that means the relationship must end because of it. You owe it to yourself, and to her, to talk to her about how you are feeling. A real, honest, talk. If you don't, then you are lying to her, and to yourself, and you are not being truly intimate with her. Best wishes.

she does not hate you. She is saying that to provoke a reaction, any reaction out of you. Don't fall for it. Keep NC.

She is just trying to bait you into contacting her. She is confused and lashing out. She doesn't hate you, but does feel confused and hurt right now. Give her time to heal and think things through. The hate you part is probably just her looking for you to say something nasty back so she can get some closure. I went through that phase too. Just don't respond. Let it go. Let her go.

....don't have to hear her say she feels "entrenched" in a relationship. ....don't have to hear her tell me she feels a small amount of pressure to get back with me, since...you know....we were talking about marriage. ....don't have to hear her tell me that things she does or decisions she makes do not concern me. ....don't have to hear her complain about what a jerk her ex is. ....don't have to hear her tell me about her boring day at work. ....don't have to listen to sigh at me in the phone. ....don't have to worry about moving to be with her. ....don't have to find a new job there. ....don't have to wonder when I will hear from her again. ....don't have to wonder how many times she will want to visit next year. ....don't have to wonder if her crazy ex will come after me, or keep trying to get her back. ....don't have to help raise her kids.

Poor you. You got your own game turned back on you. I can't say I am sympathetic at all. Learn from this. Remember how it feels, and stop doing it to the women you date. What goes around, comes around.

No one says "hey i think i will go have a rebound to patch my broken heart." It just doesn't work that way at all. If it does, then it is not a real rebound. By definition, a rebound IS love. Very intense love/feelings/emotions that wrap you up and make you feel good about yourself when you are feeling insecure about losing your last relationship, or just feeling insecure about yourself. The simple fact is that you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else. I even talked to my ex from day 1 about the possibility that she was just seeking a rebound with me. I knew the signs, talked about them with her, and she explained them all away and told me how wonderful I was and how any woman would be lucky to have me. She pumped up my ego, told me all the right things, and got me to believe it. It took a year for her to realize that she didn't have the feelings she thought she had. Actually it probably took her 9 months, and another 3 to admit it to me after I demanded to know why she was pulling away from me. Anyway, rebounds are never intentional. But they are avoidable.

That is a very normal reaction to have. It will probably happen again. You should probably consider some type of treatment for your panic attacks, either therapy, medication, or both, because it could be a very dangerous thing if it happened while driving. The feelings of lonliness and panic will pass with time. Really. The best thing you can do is try to pick up with your life and move on. Get out and meet people and find friends in your new town. Find something you enjoy doing and spend your time focused on that. Get her off your mind and don't worry about the holidays. If you have family somewhere, go visit them and be around the people who truly love you for who you are. My long distance girlfriend broke up with my on an email a month ago, so I know what you are going through. I have had all the same feelings and fears you are dealing with. It does get better though. There are other women out there. You will find one someday when you are ready. Take the time to pull yourself back together first though. You have to get back to loving yourself before you can ever really love anyone else. And whatever you do, DO NOT CONTACT YOU EX FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. Cut her off completely. Erase her from your life, mind, and heart. That is the only way to move past this and heal. My heart goes out to you. If you need someone to talk to, you can contact me privately.

Break it off cold. Tell him you have not emotionally healed yet, and cannot give a broken heart to someone. End it. Period. And when you do, stop dating. Completely. Spend time getting back to yourself and dealing with your pain. Repair the damage and find your own inner happiness again. It won't be easy. But it is a step that must be done or you will continue to repeat your same pattern. Once you are happy with yourself, outside of any relationship, only then will you be ready to consider adding someone else to that picture.