Jump to content

dnozzle

Bronze Member
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    226

  • Joined

 Content Type 

Everything posted by dnozzle

  1. dnozzle
    day ??? I can't even remember. Guessing 2 weeks. Things are great here. I have my life back again. I have been working out, getting back into my job, and going out and having fun again. I have met 2 very interesting women that I think I could like a lot, but I am taking things slow on purpose and just having fun with it. In fact, I am being more myself with these 2 than I ever have in the past. One of them wanted to come over to watch movies the other night. Ordinarily I would have said no, because my house was a mess at the time. But I realized I really didn't care so I told her to come on over. She did and we had a great time, and she commented on how nice my house was. I think I used to put too much pressure on myself....trying to be something I'm not. I am much more comfortable just being me. As for the ex, it's funny. Almost the same day that I finally gave up and let her go for good, she started trying to contact me. She started emailing these notes asking if I was ok, if I wanted to talk, etc. I didn't respond. In truth, I was too busy to and decided I would respond later. But then she started calling. She didn't leave messages at first, but after a week of me not answering, she finally started to leave messages. I waited several days before listening to them, and they were quite pathetic. She would flip between telling me she missed me and wanted me back to asking me how I could throw her away like this, which is really hilarious, since she is the one who dumped me. Anyway, the truth is, I have no desire to talk to her anymore. It seems obvious that she was playing a game with me, and only pushing me away while I was trying to get her back. As soon as I stopped that, it freaked her out and she realized she had lost me for real, and all of a sudden wanted me back. Too late though. I really do like the place I am in right now. I feel very in touch with myself, my needs, and my life. I don't ever want to lose that again.
  2. dnozzle
    I haven't been posting my daily updates because I fell off the challenge. My ex contacted me about a week ago, and after thinking about it for 2 days, I responded. We have been talking daily since then. The reason I went ahead and responded was that I realized I really was over the relationship at that point. When we talk now, she is the one who initiates it and I only communicate with her on my terms. I have no expectations of a reconciliation, and very little desire for one. One thing that talking to her did was give me a lot of closure. She has changed drastically in the last couple months and is not the same person I first met and fell in love with. There is very little of that person left anymore, and I have no desire to be with the person she is now. Since the breakup, I did a lot to work on me. I joined a gym and have lost 20 lbs. I started pursuing some old hobbies again. I met some new friends. I even started dating again a little bit. I basically learned to be happy again on my own, without the support of a relationship. I think my ex sees this in me, and that is why SHE is now the one having trouble letting go.
  3. dnozzle
    Day 3. Easy peasy. No desire to contact or talk to her at all. I am starting to move on with my life. Thinking about hobbies I want to pursue, places I want to go, people I want to meet. It's scary, but freeing at the same time.
  4. dnozzle
    Day 2. A very good day. Not even tempted to contact her in any way. Not because I resent her or want to hurt her, but because I know it wouldn't be good for her, or for me. If I do nothing, I can't make any mistakes.
  5. dnozzle
    She emailed me tonight to tell me she is going to be a grandmother. Her 16 year old son knocked up his GF. I think this could have a lot to do with what happened, but I am maintaining NC for now other than to say "congratulations." It doesn't seem like a good time for us to be talking about anything right now.
  6. dnozzle
    LC = limited contact As for hope, isn't it amazing what we will do to hold onto it? We lie to ourselves by ignoring the truth that is staring us right in the face. My NCex stopped talking to me for 2 weeks until I begged and pleaded her into it. Then she was completely cold to me, "but I could tell that wasn't the real her. She is just hurting." Then she tells me she doesn't love me anymore and can't think of any happy thoughts about the last 5 months we have spent together. None. Yet "oh she is just confused. She will come around when she feels better." It's all bullcrap. The truth is, if they wanted to be with you, then they would be with you. The questions to ask yourself is not "why don't they want me?" but rather "why do *I* want someone who does not want me?" That is the question I struggle with. The honest truth is that I was not happy in this relationship either. I felt very ignored and lonely in the relationship. I had even considered ending it myself a time or two over the past few months. Yet, as soon as SHE left, I fought like hell to get her to give me another chance. Why? Things weren't that great anyway. The answer is obvious. We want most what we can't have. Think back to when you were a kid in the toy ailse. You would pick any random toy from a sea of shelves filled with toys, and ask your mom to buy it for you. If she said no, that one specific toy became your entire purpose for life. If you couldn't have that one toy, the world would stop spinning and all life would end. But guess what? The world did not stop spinning, all life did not end, and there was still a sea of shelves filled with OTHER toys that might have been more right for us, had we only taken the time to look. Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I am on day 1. She told me she doesn't love me anymore last night. * * * * *.
  7. dnozzle
    Don't I dare what? Leave her alone? I thought that was the whole point. I am not going to contact her if that is what you mean. Every time I do it just makes me feel worse. I don't need another lesson in that. Coping with it is another story though...
  8. dnozzle
    Day 4 She contacted me yesterday and we exchanged a couple emails. It was not good. At first she was very short and cold. Then she started pouring out these diatribes about what I did wrong and that she will give me another chance even though she doesn't want to. I've realized she is setting me up for failure. She is going through the motions of getting back together in the hopes that it will be too difficult and I will give up and leave her alone. You know what? I don't need to go through a fake makeup/breakup to leaver her alone. She can have that right now.
  9. dnozzle
    Day 3 Last night I got mad. Mad at myself. I have been giving in to my need for control by attempting to contact her. Then I got mad at her. She knows that this is hard for me, and she told me for the past 5 months that she loved me, yet now she has tossed me aside for god knows what. I am better than that. I deserve and demand better than that. Once I realized this, and I don't mean I just thought the words but that I actually FELT the words, I immediately felt better. I was able to release her from my heart and stop holding on to false hopes. If she really loved me, she would be with me. She said she is confused, and she is right. She is the one that is confused. I know exactly what I want and have never waivered in that at all. If her idea of love is this fickle, then she is obviously not the one for me.
  10. dnozzle
    Well I heard back from her. She is not mad. She is out of town for the weekend with her dad. I am thinking that she will probably be ready to talk when she gets back early next week, but I am not holding out hope for that either. I do feel better that she responded and actually told me what was going on.
  11. dnozzle
    Day 1 again. *sigh* I realized some things yesterday that seemed like breakthroughs to me that made everything seem so very clear to me. I wanted to share it with her so bad, but decided to sleep on it instead. A very restless night and very little sleep. This morning I sent her an email telling her the things I had figured out and what I realize I had done wrong. She has not responded and I feel 10 times worse than I did before sending it. It was a huge mistake to contact her again.
  12. dnozzle
    Day 7. Wow. A whole week. I have to say it was the easiest day so far. Yesterday, when I realized that my desire to contact her was nothing more than my desire to control her into talking before she is ready, it was like a cloud lifted from around my head. I could suddenly see it all so clearly. I don't need to contact her because I have nothing to say that she hasn't heard before. She has said she will talk to me when she is ready. Any attempt by me to rush that is only an attempt at control, which is what our fight has been about all along. When and if she does contact me, I may or may not read it, depending on how I feel about it at the time. If my heart leaps out of my chest when I see it, I will close it and save it for later when I am feeling more calm and in control of my life. The best part of today was that I did not for one second expect to hear from her today. That was the first time that has happened all week and it felt so good.
  13. dnozzle
    WaterIsLife, You DO know what to do. You just don't want to do it. Leave her be and let her think.
  14. dnozzle
    Day 6. Today started out rough. I woke up at 5am thinking about her and feeling very isolated and alone. I had all the old urges to call her, write to her, or somehow try to contact her. Instead, I sat down and purposely turned the focus of my thoughts back to myself. I remembered that the only thing contacting her would do is cause me more pain and push her further away. I realized that all of my attempts to get her to talk before she is ready are nothing more than my attempts to control her behavior. There is nothing that I can say to her that will make her want to talk before she is ready. The only thing it will do is make her pull farther away and make me feel worse.
  15. dnozzle
    Day 5 here. It is a good day. I have thought about her, but have not thought about contacting her. I did catch myself wanting to check up on her online, just to see if she was on, but then stopped. I thought back to all the times I had done that over the past few days, and I realized that the only one of 2 things ever happened. If I saw her online, I would try to contact her. When she wouldn't respond, then I would KNOW that she was ignoring me. Or, if I didn't see her on, then my mind would start working on where she is, who she is with, what she is doing. Checking in on her like that is nothing but detrimental to ME. So I just won't do it anymore. I feel like I am one step closer to taking back control of my life.
  16. dnozzle
    Oh I do. I decided not to wallow too much. I happen to have a very good female friend who I have known for many years. She is not interested in relationships, but is always available for "comfort" and companionship. I decided to head this one off real fast and called her up the other night. We are getting together on Friday for some movies, drinks, and the rest. I know it is just a bandaid, but it helps. It helps to know there are still others out there and it helps to feel them next to you. I am still feeling like this was the only one real person I was meant to be with, so I am trying real hard to kill those feelings and get back to having fun again. I just hope it works.
  17. dnozzle
    Bad day today. I fluctuate between not thinking about it and obsessing over it. I am trying to stay occupied to keep myself distracted, but as soon as I am done with what I am doing, my mind immediately goes back where it shouldn't be. I've got to let this go.
  18. dnozzle
    I didn't do well at all today. She sent me a message in a game we play relating some info about the game. I responded and asked when she thought she would be ready to talk. She said maybe later this week. I realize that I have given her all the power here. She knows that I will continue to want to talk to her, and that everytime she sends me game info it makes me want to talk even more. She is playing with me. So I blocked her. I do feel terrible for responding. I realize I was only asking for a timeframe to put my own mind at ease, and instead, I got an answer I did not like at all. I went looking for comfort and found only coldness.
  19. dnozzle
    Infrared, You are worrying way too much about this. The fact that you are still thinking about her reaction to things like your myspace page being public just prove that you have not let her go yet. Go back and read the original post of this thread. It specifically mentions not looking at their myspace pages. No good can ever come from that. The best thing you will find is heartache when you see a new boyfriend being talked about there. Instead, use this time to work on you and get back to feeling good about yourself. Hope this helps.
  20. dnozzle
    I am having a tough time today as well. This is the time we would normally talk or play a game online and we can't do that. I am trying to find other ways to occupy my mind, but I keep drifting back to thinking about her.
  21. dnozzle
    So did I. Turned out to be the same one in a different skin.
  22. dnozzle
    I'm in on the challenge. 2 days for me so far.
  23. dnozzle
    Yes, you should do something. You should finally let her go, and above all else DO NOT send her a card or anything for her birthday. You are not her BF anymore, so why act like one? Move on and be free. Make her realize that she DIDN'T get anything from you for her birthday. That will have way more impact than anything you could possibly send her.
  24. dnozzle
    I would say we are back to NC. I guess it could be LC, but very very limited. It left me feeling very good about things. I was good to hear what was going on with her, where she was mentally, and just to establish some form of communication. Like I said, I have no expectations or desires to get back together at all, but I also don't want to continue hating her either. Talking to her helped me move from hate to indifference. It was also great to be able to get some things said that I needed to say to her, and she was ready to hear them and understood them. I do know that I would not have been ready for this a few weeks ago, but the timing was just right last night to get it over with, and I feel really great about it. No regrets at all. I guess if there was advice for me to offer as a result of this it would be: do not even entertain the idea of talking to an ex until you are sure you are over it, and that you are able to hear and accept any news they give you. I was finally ready for that, and it went well.
  25. dnozzle
    She kept emailing me yesterday. I finally replied to one of them and told her I was not interested in responding to her, because it always turned into a one-sided conversation of me giving her info and her giving none in return. She said she was willing to talk to me that night, so we did. It was great. Very awkward at first. We talked about the weather for about 15 minutes. Then we talked about life a bit. What we have been doing and what's new. We talked a lot about our depressions, our symptoms, our histories, etc. And we talked about our mutual friends, and the message boards we both still like to visit, and laid out some ground rules for that in the future. All in all it was an awesome conversation. There was no mention of getting back together, or even talking again. It was just an air-clearing that I think we were both wanting. I do think she wants to try again with me at some point in the distant future when she is over her depression, but I am still sure that I do not want that. Never even had a moment of weakness when talking to her...so I think that is a great sign that I have truly moved on. It was good to talk again, and get some answers to questions that were still unanswered, and it is good to be on cordial terms, even though I do not consider her a friend, love, or anything else. I don't want to hate her anymore, and last night did a lot toward that. Anyway, I figured I should post about this, just to be honest about things.
×
×
  • Create New...