dnozzle

You cna have closure anytime you want it. Just let her go and move on. Really. It is that simple. I promise, you will feel better as soon as you do it. The longer you hold onto your old feelings for her, the worse you will feel. Get mad at her for making you feel this way if that helps. Try to remember what was bad about your relationship. Stop focusing on wanting her back, and you will start to wonder if you even want her back.

And just like clockwork, the ex emailed me again. To one of my old email accounts I didn't block her on. Asking if I am ok. Heh. Yep, I am better than ok. I am free. Naturally, I did not respond. And won't. FREEDOM!

Superdave speaks the truth. His advice got me through my breakup, and he was 110% correct in everything he said. Letting go is really the only way to move on and maintain your sanity. Superdave, I owe you. Bigtime.

She is fun. We talked about 3 times before meeting without really learning a whole lot about each other. It was just fun, funny, sarcastic banter with each other. She is pretty hot, but I am not moving things too fast with her. I am just keeping it light and fun and following her lead on things. Funny note: when she invited me over to watch a movie, she told me to "bring a suit." I questioned her on this, and asked what color tie to wear. She said "not that kind of suit, you tard. A bathing suit. But then again....ties can be fun too." I think Christmas might be looking up a bit this year after all.

News? No news. She didn't call back. I haven't even considered calling her. I'm over it and have let go. In fact, I have date 2 tonight with a really cool woman who likes to watch TV in her living room hot tub. This breakup could have been the best thing that ever happened to me.

Me too! I was just wondering what others thought about it. Sorry. I did not mean to imply that women were not interested in or capable of having things like this on their own.

No, I met her through a mutual friend. She is single, stable, gainfully employed, funny as hell, and was just fun to be with. It just seemed very strange to me for some reason, although she seemed very comfortable with it.

So...if a single woman has a big screen tv with satellite tv (compelte sports package too) AND a HOT TUB in her living room, is she just really really fun, or trying way too hard to attract a man? (The big screen was a nice touch, but the hot tub freaked me out just a little bit....but only at first.)

Great post, Ripples. What you said is true. I have realized it is over, and have let it go. Since doing that, since that very moment that I made the decision to let it go, I have felt better. Each new day gets better and better. I have new insights into why things were not good between us, and new reasons why they never would be again. In addition to that, I am rediscovering who I am as a person. I was entrenched so deeply in this relationship that I lost myself for a while. But I am back now. I am in school, meeting interesting people, and even signed up for a painting class I have always thought about taking. I went there just to have fun, but met some really nice people there too, including one very nice lady who flirted with me twice last week, and is going out with me tonight. So yes, things do get easier once you let go. But you have to let go for real. Abandon all hope of ever hearing from them again, and then you may be ready to finally move on.

When those times hit you, come here instead. Or you can email me or someone else privately if you prefer. There are people here who know what you are going through and are willing to help you. That is one reason I am here so much in the evenings, because this was "our time" to talk. It was hard at first to fill that void. Now I have a pretty active life, but there are still moments where I think "gee, I wonder if..." and then I stop and come here and read about someone else like you who is just now starting to go through what I have been working through, and I try to help if I can. Anything at all we can do to help you, we will. Hang in there.

Good song, but I have really had my fill of the whole "no one's to blame" or "it's no one's fault" stuff. Usually it IS someone's fault, and when we say it isn't, we are just trying to spare them the guilt. I'm done with that in my situation, and it has really helped me a LOT to move on. It WAS her fault. SHE chose this. I fought it like hell and offered every compromise I could think of, but her mind was already made up before she even told me about it. It is her fault. She once told her ex that "some mistakes are permanent" when he tried to get her back. If I ever hear from her again, she will be hearing her own words again....from me.

Do not beat yourself up for this. He is responsible for his own behavior, and you are responsible for yours. You did not contribute to his situation. He allowed it to happen. I would continue NC and try to move on with your life. You cannot love an addict out of addiction, and you cannot love someone out of their depression. To try to do so is a warning sign of codependence. You have to stop worrying about him and start taking care of you. Do something good for yourself. Schedule something fun that you haven't had time to do lately. When you find yourself thinking about him or wanting to contact him, stop and ask yourself "are the dishes done? is the laundry done? have I eaten today? did I clean the shower today? have I called my family lately?" Find something to distract you, something constructive that is more important than worrying about him. Often you will find that accomplishing these small tasks will divert your attention long enough for you to not slip into a funk over it. I hope this helps, and wish you well.

Ponder this first: link removed

I say stick with NC. The very fact that you want to wish her a Merry Xmas just shows that you haven't let her go yet. You are not ready to talk to her yet if she did respond, so why bother?

I don't find it hard at all. That is called intimacy. Saying what you really feel, even if it hurts, because you care so much that you just NEED them to know how you really feel. The intimacy I felt with my ex was the very reason I thought I could tell her that I felt like she had been pulling away from me lately. It was obviously happening. We went from talking 2 hours a night to less than 15 minutes for those last 2 months, her emails were down to 2 or 3 lines, and the phone calls all but dried up. She made excuses, like being too busy or too tired, but those excuses never applied when there was an all night party with her friends. It was obviously a problem with us, and I (stupidly) thought that our relationship was strong enough for us to honestly discuss an issue like this, and work through it. Instead, she chose to cut me loose. Completely and totally cut me loose. Not 1 week prior to that she had sent me a CD with "I LOVE YOU!" written on it, and it had the most wonderful collection of thoughtful love songs I have ever heard. She had also confirmed that same day that she felt so lucky to have me in her life, and could not wait until we could finally be married. Yet one week later, she walked away and cut me off completely. She was obviously just lying to me those last few months, or lying to herself. Trying to talk herself into staying in love with me, when she obviously wasn't. All I am saying it, it would have hurt a hell of a lot less to just hear her say "I don't love you anymore" than to put me through this period of not knowing what the hell she was thinking and doing only to find out a month later that she really is breaking up with me forever and wants me to move on. Honesty, and imtimacy, is always the best path, because then you are being honest with yourself, and your partner. If you continue lying to them, and to yourself, you will get more unhappy, they will get more unhappy as you continue to die on the inside, and in the end, feelings will be hurt more than if you had just said what needed to be said in the first place.

HA! She just called, didn't leave a message, and hung up. I was so busy writing that last message that I just glanced at the caller ID, saw it was her, and said to myself "whatever" and went back to writing. Yep, a free mind is a wonderful thing.

*sigh* NC is not meant to get them back. It is meant to give you time to heal. If you DON'T do NC, and remain friends, you leave yourself in his life. Be honest with yourself. Do you really want to know if he is seeing someone else? Really? Do you want to feel that "punched in the gut" feeling when he tells you about his new girl? Do you really want to be his shoulder to cry on when he breaks up with her? Do you want to be his rebound from that? I know that for me, the brief period of little contact only drug out my pain. She would drop short little email updates to me, giving me just enough info to wonder what the hell she was up to. When i would respond, I would go nuts until I finally got a reply, if any came at all. I KNOW that this was nothing more than a game to her, because she was always good about returning emails within a few hours, but sometimes it would be 2-3 days with no response. I literally broke my heart open all over again each time. Since I decided to go NC, and to let her go (which are really the same thing), I have not had any of those moments at all. I have felt myself pulling away more and more from the feelings I was clinging to, and found that I have begun to see our relationship for what it really was: doomed. I realized that I had spent the first 3 weeks of limited contact so worried about getting her back, that I never once honestly questioned if wanted her back. Once I managed to answer that question, everything else had been a breeze. I got rid of any reminder of her. I boxed up all her stuff, toiletries, cards, mementos, presents... and stuffed it back in the closet (I really should have just mailed it to her). I took her number off my phone, I deleted all her emails, I put her on my spam list so I wouldn't get any emails until I was ready to look for them, I removed her from my messengers, and I quit the message boards where we met. Drastic measures, perhaps. But since then I feel GREAT! I have my life back. I have my mind back. I am no longer dwelling on the dream of a future we were planning together and how that will never be. I have new dreams now. So please do not think that NC is going to magically fix your relationship. Best case scenario is that you may get back together someday, and have some very major issues to work out. But that is a rare thing. NC is for you. It is for you to heal. It is not to trick them into missing you so they come back. Someone here used to say "give them the best gift of all...the gift of missing you" but I say "give yourself the best gift of all....FREEDOM!"

I wouldn't call her hun, or any other endearing terms. It still smacks of missing her just a tad.

I don't think mine was trying to screw with me at all. I do think her feelings were changing and she was having some doubts about our relationship. Her doubts were mostly centered around her depression, feeling inadeuqte, and her busy schedule. Yet, even when I asked her point blank why she was pulling away from me, she denied doing so when she initiated NC, and only admitted to it 3 weeks later after I had suffered with trying to hold on to a love that had been pulled away completely. She lied to me about her reasons, and never did admit her true feelings to me. I only found out what she was really saying about it through a mutual friend, who told me the real story. All I ever wanted from her was her love and her honesty. She promised me both, but gave neither one in the end. That is what finally allowed me to let it go.

rsxguy, You are welcome. When I was new here last month, many posters tried to give me that same advice. It took me a month to finally HEAR them, and to understand. Once I did, almost the exact moment that I did, I felt better. I realized that one way or the other, she was playing me. She was in total control (as was the usual case in our relationship) and was not allowing me any say so in the situation at all. That was totally unacceptible to me. The difference was that I decided this time to not try to talk, reason, beg, plead, or communicate with her. Instead, I decided I was worth more than this. She always used to tell me I was too good for her, and I thought she was blowing smoke up my butt (and probably was). But I realized she was right. I AM too good for her. I DESERVE so much more than she ever able or willing to give. I deserve to not feel guilty for missing the person I love and wanting to talk to her more or see her more. Letting go really was the only possible way for me to begin healing. I felt better within minutes, and have continued to feel better with each day that passes. Before, I would sink farther down into my hole of depression every day that I didn't hear from her. But now that I am focused on me and not her, each day I take one more step up out of that hole, and realize that it is never a place I want to be again.

Just use condoms and plenty of lube.

You can expect to feel many things over the next days, weeks, and months. How fast or slow it goes it up to you, and how long you hold on to hope for reconciliation, or hearing from her. First, you will feel what you are feeling now. Loss. You will miss her. You will have a void in your schedule where you used to spend time with her or talk to her. You will not know what to do with yourself during those times, and will probably start to dread them hours before they arrive. You will be temped to contact her many many times. Don't do that. Plan something you ordinarily would not do. Do something fun for yourself during those times. Shake things up and do something new. Don't just sit there and wallow in pity. Next, you will probably start to feel anger. Why hasn't she called? Doesn't she miss me like I miss her? Did she not really love me? None of that matters. This is time for you, not her. Don't get too caught up in this part. Anger is good, and can help you to let go, but it can also consume you. You will have the urge to write long emails detailing exactly how she hurt you and what she did to you. I found it theraputic to actully write those emails, but never send them. I got to say what I had to say, without the pain of waiting for a reply that would never come. Allow yourself to be angry with her. Express that anger to anyone BUT her. Tell a close friend of yours how she screwed you over. Write it in a journal. Whatever works for you. Once you are able to let go of the hope of hearing from her, you will finally begin to heal. You will realize (much like I did this week) that you no longer EXPECT to hear from her. You no longer wait for the phone to ring. When you get email, you don't immediately think it is from her. You will also stop thinking about her so much, because you are living YOUR life again. When you do think about her, you will start remembering what was wrong with your relationship, and not just the rosey memories that are currently consuming you. You will begin to take a real, honest look at the relationship from the outside, and you will discover issues that you did not even notice until you had a mind clear enough to see them. Throughout all of these stages, your ex may contact you. Personally, I would not even read or listen to any contact during those stages. It will not help you to let go if you stay in touch with her. If she does contact you, DO NOT RESPOND. Just let her go. Once YOU are in a place where you can honestly say you do not care what news she has, or what is happening in her life, only then are you ready to even consider talking to her again.

That is really spooky. Mine was 27 with 2 kids, and I am 35. So many similarities there.

why not just delete her from your list so you don't see if she is on or not, and then not worry about if she sees you there? That's what I did, and it was very liberating. I don't have to sit there seeing her NOT online and wondering where she is and with whom. I don't have to see her log in and NOT talk to me, and the sign off and feel my heart sink. Most of the time I sign on as invisible anyway. Not to hide from her, but because then I can talk to who I want to without all our mutual friends nagging me for info. It really is freeing to retake control of your life back from that other person. Do it....and enjoy it.

I wouldn't be worried, but I would be watchful. They have been friends all their lives, and her life has just been turned upside down. Of course she is going to need to talk to her best friend about it. She needs that support system right now. She needs his shoulder to cry on. The thing to be watchful for is if he starts to withdraw too much emotionally. I think that some withdrawl is natural, because he is talking with her about some very unpleasant stuff. But if he starts to disappear for periods of time, or loses interest in sex, or stops showing any form of affection, that would be a red flag to me. I do think that your question about who he would choose was unfair, and I wouldn't have answered it either. He knew her long before he met you, and you knew this before you married him. It is not fair for you to ask him to give up a friendship like that, in my opinion. I am very good friends with a woman I dated briefly before we decided we were not good together. She is my very best friend, has been for years, and always will be. She is part of the package with me. We only see each other about once a year, in public places, with our significant others. I talk to her via email or chat at least twice a month, and we talk about many different things, including our relationships. We are a support system to each other, and keep each other grounded when we lose our heads in a relationship, or in life. I love her dearly, as a friend. Yet through all these years, I have never once, not once, ever considered getting back together with her or even sleeping with her again, even when we were both single and available. We were just much better as friends, and we both know it. I hope this helps.