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cantexplain last won the day on November 29 2009

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About cantexplain

  • Birthday 05/28/1963

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  1. What if you just don't want to waste time (or take the risks of communicating without real-time discourse, intonation, etc.) and just go ahead and talk over the phone? I have met many interesting people on e-harmony - but have benefitted the most by talking on the phone as soon as possible. And if she gives out a number quickly, does that change one another's ability to make good judgement and choices - beyond wondering if she does this to all the guys?
  2. Well, I wasn't concerned about romance novels. I was talking about romance between two real people. The word romance can have many meanings, depending on the person's understanding of it ... and their romantic desires. I was only using one of my interpretations of romance, and not at all using romance novels as an example of anything - except affirming your contention that addiction to romance novels is possible. I agree. That is judgemental. These people themselves could be wrong. I respect your ability to be so public about this proclivity you and your gal share. Please suggest a porn flick which does not objectify people as sexual objects...I'll check it out!! No, I was quite clear when I said "I suspect" - just a theory. But yes I do believe now that the mind does work that way. These images and behavior and our attraction to it can change or deepen personality characteristics. Just like repetitive advertising has the effect of promoting a previously unwanted purchase. So some people use, or even need, porn to masturbate ... I know that. Others don't need porn to masturbate. Some people connect with their own physical being ... others fantasize about being with fantasy people ... some others fantasize about real people in their lives ... still others fantasize about pleasing real people in their lives. Based on my idea of neural programming, I know what programming would serve me and my partner best. I'm not judging what serves you and your partner best. The original point of this thread is what serves the OP and her partner best - which seems to not be for him to watch a bunch of porn. Never lumped them together save my suspicion that the long term effects of both behavior were deleterious to the ability to be deeply intimate with another being. I'd say both, all, are basically human. Who said they shouldn't? I said that I suspected it was harmful. I will maintain that suspicion, thanks. We know it is harmful on the OP's feelings. Agreed 100%.
  3. In your post above you seem to equate previous poster's points of watching any porn as an addiction. I think the point should be, as I think you are getting at, is that watching "Friends", reading romance novels, or watching porn can become an addiction. But my big response here is that romance is not evil sex and porn is not romance. I should leave my response at that .. but for the benefit of others ... Romance is, among other things, doing what is good for the other despite your own needs and wants. Superfreak you are apparently not addicted to porn. I also respect your freedom to view porn and your freedom to use it as a prelude to your real-life experiences with your girlfriend. I do not judge you. And if you were a gal I'd take this as a sign you have a style of character not appropriate for mine. So good for both of us there are many kinds. As for me I still feel that porn is an objectification, making the other an object of sex. Love works differently. Love is a selfless place where the subject loving is concerned for the needs and wants of the object loved. Love makes the object the subject. Watching porn is about the viewers pleasure, not the TV's or the actors and actresses. They are objects. The risk, in my opinion, in the continued objectification of the other like this, is a change in character, or a neural-programming if you will, generating toward a loss of an ability to be truly intimate and deeply focused toward the other (as subject). I've seen this happen to people becoming more and more promiscuous. In my observation they simply lose that ability to be deeply intimate the more partners they have. Intimacy becomes harder and harder for them! I suspect that the use of porn has the same effect. Just my theory. Addiction, to me, is marked by many things, including that the use of the thing one is addicted to is causing problems. The point of this thread is that someone's boyfriend use of porn is causing problems for her, and I'd say him, too, if he doesn't want to risk losing her. Others of you can watch all the porn you want!! 5 minutes, 'eh? I suggest focusing on the other and see that you can last for hours!!
  4. No I would not feel comfortable doing the same thing. I would recognize it as a slippery slope and try to stay on path, not allowing myself to lose footing. I'd keep my good behavior for my own sake. I would be at a real loss about how to approach this dishonesty and what other behaviors it might be cloaking. My idea would be wait for a time until a moment when you are getting along well and this topic is in the background. Ask why did he do this and what was going on that made him be dishonest. If he didn't take full responsibility (not blame you or the relationship) and show true remorse and embarrassment, I'd worry.
  5. hehe I know that feeling!! so I see, you do like him, 'eh? Lucky guy!!
  6. ahh, if you are really his friend and he is a good guy this won't risk his friendship with you - we already know how he used to feel - probably still does. I think you got a good chance here.
  7. Since you asked, I'd say make a plan to get together with him - and go ahead and take the risk that as your friendship has grown you do feel like he is the type of person you'd like to date. Sure its a risk ... but if you don't make this move one of those other gals will. Funny, now that I think about it the same thing was told to me by my highschool sweetheart (I was interested in her and her only through 7th and 8th grades. I got to be her friend while she was dating upperclassmen!! - ugh) Anyways, one night during a dance she took me accross the street from school and just kissed me!! It took a few more months but we were then committed to one another for another 7 years. So, another thing, you could just kiss him and see what happens!! Love can be risky to the ego - rejection is always on the table. In fact, the possibility of rejection probably keeps us more passionate about our love interests!!
  8. Interesting. Yes. I think that all the people who dumped me, save one, are not happy in their current relationships. They weren't happy with theirs with me. So should this really be any surprise?! I've only dumped once and she was hands down the greatest. I even knew it at the time. My own self-esteem issues mixed with the wondering of being with other people led me to break it with her and start "experimenting" with people who just were not good relationship types. What a foppery!! All in a life.
  9. Emily, I know you from an earlier thread and know you to be someone who is very important and has good thinking. You are very important to cantexplain!! I care for you and do not like this idea of you cutting yourself. So PLEASE don't do that!!! The less you do it the easier it will be to keep not doing it. Can you help me to think of some thoughts (positive NOW) about yourself you can always have ready to substitute for these self-destructive ones? You've just come through a BIG SCARE that has tested your character and you came through it resoundingly!!! Many of us are quite proud!! And you are likely going through a process of unwinding, maybe even blaming!!? But don't. Please don't. Let's start by reaching over your shoulder and patting yourself on the back for your successes as well as your ability to make mistakes and forgive yourself. This universe loves you and needs you and you are a vital part of its machine!! Lots of people, especially young people, make mistakes! That's how we learn and get better. Life gets better. I promise!!!!! Who knows what your mom's thinking is - but if you made a mistake and she needs to protect her wallet ( or you!! ) by not letting you drive her car - then, well, that's what she needs to do!! There are many options for you to get around and/or work toward your own transportation solution - independently of your mom!! Can you think of some ideas? My car blew-up several years back when I was first starting a job. So I took public transportation and I walked. I learned that by driving everywhere I was missing so much of the world around me. So there are options with rewards you may not recognize until you try them. I know about self-esteem, or lack thereof, and about self-destructive behavior. I've had suicidal thoughts before and I think a lot of people do. It is the acting on these self-destructive ideas that makes life worse!! We need to work toward making our lives better!! I'm disappointed that you were yelled at because you don't feel good. You have every right not to feel good if that's the way you feel and yelling at you about this just ain't nice. I'm sure you know this because you are a good person. My advice is just don't engage with her and don't let her problem with your feelings become your problem, too. Because it shouldn't be. That's your problem and you've come to a good place here where I hope many will help you to get through these bad feelings about yourself and learn some new skills of substituting happy, positive thoughts about yourself. It never happens overnight, but over time things inside your soul and mind there, as well as things in your surrounding life will change and your life will get better, I Promise!! I know!! I've been there. I still am there! Life is hard, dear!! Think of life like river water, hitting a rock and then smoothing off downstream, okay? Please try not to let life hit you - be it school, your recent scare, your parents, and then create a turbulence inside you that remains or even gets more wavy. I'm telling you that is not you!! You are that quiet little wonderful being that has nothing to do with all these situations and tests of life. I like your idea of starting again. You know my favorite time of day is the dawn. It is in the dawn that I can be me and me anew. I can see the sun's first light - a reflection in my (your) eyes that is no one's but mine. I (you) are our power. We, and only us by our lonesome, have access to this magic of being alive, and new with each day. And a day can last a thousand years if we want it to!! Its all yours! Embrace it and don't ( I know its hard) and don't let life's challenges get you down. Now I don't understand self-mutiliation but I do understand being self-destructive and doing things that are not in my own best interest, even when I am, witting. I remember when I was your age my life was sooooo hard - and yet there was many great things going on, too. My family was severely verbally abusive. I was bullied, left vulnerable, and unprotected. Life was very hard. I still have to work on these things and my self-esteem daily. Its the human condition. Its the flipside that keeps us moving toward our own light and the wonders of living!! Very few of us are so lucky to not have to work through these things. So can you help me to list some positive and happy thoughts about the you that no one can touch, but you?? Also, how about some ideas toward getting your own transportation someday?? I should be online most of the afternoon - it is 11:43 here and I am hoping to hear more from you!! _______________________________________ Worry is like paying interest on a debt we don't owe.
  10. Emily I am proud of you coming to this realization on your own. This is so important, especially if you are the type to be 100% against abortion as you earlier said.
  11. then stop. you'll need some distance from this pattern before you'll attract a different kind of woman.
  12. At your age your bones are adding minerals that you will need later in life when your body does not add minerals to your bones as well. Its important to feed yourself well. Use activity to shape the rest. I can't explain the correlation of iron supplementation with weight gain. Is there anything else that you are doing at the same time which may account for this? I guess it could be slowing metabolism in some way. I just don't know. Take care of that bod!
  13. Sure, one recognizes fear and thus can listen to that. Recognizing the fear, then one can make adjustments.
  14. Here's something new I am running with - I will share. If a relationship is based on fear in one, the other, or both - things must be fixed in someone or both. If based on mutual affection which is not fear-based, keep going with the flow. So listen for the fear?! Add to the list: fear?
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