cantexplain

What if you just don't want to waste time (or take the risks of communicating without real-time discourse, intonation, etc.) and just go ahead and talk over the phone? I have met many interesting people on e-harmony - but have benefitted the most by talking on the phone as soon as possible. And if she gives out a number quickly, does that change one another's ability to make good judgement and choices - beyond wondering if she does this to all the guys?

Well, I wasn't concerned about romance novels. I was talking about romance between two real people. The word romance can have many meanings, depending on the person's understanding of it ... and their romantic desires. I was only using one of my interpretations of romance, and not at all using romance novels as an example of anything - except affirming your contention that addiction to romance novels is possible. I agree. That is judgemental. These people themselves could be wrong. I respect your ability to be so public about this proclivity you and your gal share. Please suggest a porn flick which does not objectify people as sexual objects...I'll check it out!! No, I was quite clear when I said "I suspect" - just a theory. But yes I do believe now that the mind does work that way. These images and behavior and our attraction to it can change or deepen personality characteristics. Just like repetitive advertising has the effect of promoting a previously unwanted purchase. So some people use, or even need, porn to masturbate ... I know that. Others don't need porn to masturbate. Some people connect with their own physical being ... others fantasize about being with fantasy people ... some others fantasize about real people in their lives ... still others fantasize about pleasing real people in their lives. Based on my idea of neural programming, I know what programming would serve me and my partner best. I'm not judging what serves you and your partner best. The original point of this thread is what serves the OP and her partner best - which seems to not be for him to watch a bunch of porn. Never lumped them together save my suspicion that the long term effects of both behavior were deleterious to the ability to be deeply intimate with another being. I'd say both, all, are basically human. Who said they shouldn't? I said that I suspected it was harmful. I will maintain that suspicion, thanks. We know it is harmful on the OP's feelings. Agreed 100%.

In your post above you seem to equate previous poster's points of watching any porn as an addiction. I think the point should be, as I think you are getting at, is that watching "Friends", reading romance novels, or watching porn can become an addiction. But my big response here is that romance is not evil sex and porn is not romance. I should leave my response at that .. but for the benefit of others ... Romance is, among other things, doing what is good for the other despite your own needs and wants. Superfreak you are apparently not addicted to porn. I also respect your freedom to view porn and your freedom to use it as a prelude to your real-life experiences with your girlfriend. I do not judge you. And if you were a gal I'd take this as a sign you have a style of character not appropriate for mine. So good for both of us there are many kinds. As for me I still feel that porn is an objectification, making the other an object of sex. Love works differently. Love is a selfless place where the subject loving is concerned for the needs and wants of the object loved. Love makes the object the subject. Watching porn is about the viewers pleasure, not the TV's or the actors and actresses. They are objects. The risk, in my opinion, in the continued objectification of the other like this, is a change in character, or a neural-programming if you will, generating toward a loss of an ability to be truly intimate and deeply focused toward the other (as subject). I've seen this happen to people becoming more and more promiscuous. In my observation they simply lose that ability to be deeply intimate the more partners they have. Intimacy becomes harder and harder for them! I suspect that the use of porn has the same effect. Just my theory. Addiction, to me, is marked by many things, including that the use of the thing one is addicted to is causing problems. The point of this thread is that someone's boyfriend use of porn is causing problems for her, and I'd say him, too, if he doesn't want to risk losing her. Others of you can watch all the porn you want!! 5 minutes, 'eh? I suggest focusing on the other and see that you can last for hours!!

No I would not feel comfortable doing the same thing. I would recognize it as a slippery slope and try to stay on path, not allowing myself to lose footing. I'd keep my good behavior for my own sake. I would be at a real loss about how to approach this dishonesty and what other behaviors it might be cloaking. My idea would be wait for a time until a moment when you are getting along well and this topic is in the background. Ask why did he do this and what was going on that made him be dishonest. If he didn't take full responsibility (not blame you or the relationship) and show true remorse and embarrassment, I'd worry.

hehe I know that feeling!! so I see, you do like him, 'eh? Lucky guy!!

ahh, if you are really his friend and he is a good guy this won't risk his friendship with you - we already know how he used to feel - probably still does. I think you got a good chance here.

Since you asked, I'd say make a plan to get together with him - and go ahead and take the risk that as your friendship has grown you do feel like he is the type of person you'd like to date. Sure its a risk ... but if you don't make this move one of those other gals will. Funny, now that I think about it the same thing was told to me by my highschool sweetheart (I was interested in her and her only through 7th and 8th grades. I got to be her friend while she was dating upperclassmen!! - ugh) Anyways, one night during a dance she took me accross the street from school and just kissed me!! It took a few more months but we were then committed to one another for another 7 years. So, another thing, you could just kiss him and see what happens!! Love can be risky to the ego - rejection is always on the table. In fact, the possibility of rejection probably keeps us more passionate about our love interests!!

Interesting. Yes. I think that all the people who dumped me, save one, are not happy in their current relationships. They weren't happy with theirs with me. So should this really be any surprise?! I've only dumped once and she was hands down the greatest. I even knew it at the time. My own self-esteem issues mixed with the wondering of being with other people led me to break it with her and start "experimenting" with people who just were not good relationship types. What a foppery!! All in a life.

Emily, I know you from an earlier thread and know you to be someone who is very important and has good thinking. You are very important to cantexplain!! I care for you and do not like this idea of you cutting yourself. So PLEASE don't do that!!! The less you do it the easier it will be to keep not doing it. Can you help me to think of some thoughts (positive NOW) about yourself you can always have ready to substitute for these self-destructive ones? You've just come through a BIG SCARE that has tested your character and you came through it resoundingly!!! Many of us are quite proud!! And you are likely going through a process of unwinding, maybe even blaming!!? But don't. Please don't. Let's start by reaching over your shoulder and patting yourself on the back for your successes as well as your ability to make mistakes and forgive yourself. This universe loves you and needs you and you are a vital part of its machine!! Lots of people, especially young people, make mistakes! That's how we learn and get better. Life gets better. I promise!!!!! Who knows what your mom's thinking is - but if you made a mistake and she needs to protect her wallet ( or you!! ) by not letting you drive her car - then, well, that's what she needs to do!! There are many options for you to get around and/or work toward your own transportation solution - independently of your mom!! Can you think of some ideas? My car blew-up several years back when I was first starting a job. So I took public transportation and I walked. I learned that by driving everywhere I was missing so much of the world around me. So there are options with rewards you may not recognize until you try them. I know about self-esteem, or lack thereof, and about self-destructive behavior. I've had suicidal thoughts before and I think a lot of people do. It is the acting on these self-destructive ideas that makes life worse!! We need to work toward making our lives better!! I'm disappointed that you were yelled at because you don't feel good. You have every right not to feel good if that's the way you feel and yelling at you about this just ain't nice. I'm sure you know this because you are a good person. My advice is just don't engage with her and don't let her problem with your feelings become your problem, too. Because it shouldn't be. That's your problem and you've come to a good place here where I hope many will help you to get through these bad feelings about yourself and learn some new skills of substituting happy, positive thoughts about yourself. It never happens overnight, but over time things inside your soul and mind there, as well as things in your surrounding life will change and your life will get better, I Promise!! I know!! I've been there. I still am there! Life is hard, dear!! Think of life like river water, hitting a rock and then smoothing off downstream, okay? Please try not to let life hit you - be it school, your recent scare, your parents, and then create a turbulence inside you that remains or even gets more wavy. I'm telling you that is not you!! You are that quiet little wonderful being that has nothing to do with all these situations and tests of life. I like your idea of starting again. You know my favorite time of day is the dawn. It is in the dawn that I can be me and me anew. I can see the sun's first light - a reflection in my (your) eyes that is no one's but mine. I (you) are our power. We, and only us by our lonesome, have access to this magic of being alive, and new with each day. And a day can last a thousand years if we want it to!! Its all yours! Embrace it and don't ( I know its hard) and don't let life's challenges get you down. Now I don't understand self-mutiliation but I do understand being self-destructive and doing things that are not in my own best interest, even when I am, witting. I remember when I was your age my life was sooooo hard - and yet there was many great things going on, too. My family was severely verbally abusive. I was bullied, left vulnerable, and unprotected. Life was very hard. I still have to work on these things and my self-esteem daily. Its the human condition. Its the flipside that keeps us moving toward our own light and the wonders of living!! Very few of us are so lucky to not have to work through these things. So can you help me to list some positive and happy thoughts about the you that no one can touch, but you?? Also, how about some ideas toward getting your own transportation someday?? I should be online most of the afternoon - it is 11:43 here and I am hoping to hear more from you!! _______________________________________ Worry is like paying interest on a debt we don't owe.

Emily I am proud of you coming to this realization on your own. This is so important, especially if you are the type to be 100% against abortion as you earlier said.

then stop. you'll need some distance from this pattern before you'll attract a different kind of woman.

At your age your bones are adding minerals that you will need later in life when your body does not add minerals to your bones as well. Its important to feed yourself well. Use activity to shape the rest. I can't explain the correlation of iron supplementation with weight gain. Is there anything else that you are doing at the same time which may account for this? I guess it could be slowing metabolism in some way. I just don't know. Take care of that bod!

Sure, one recognizes fear and thus can listen to that. Recognizing the fear, then one can make adjustments.

Here's something new I am running with - I will share. If a relationship is based on fear in one, the other, or both - things must be fixed in someone or both. If based on mutual affection which is not fear-based, keep going with the flow. So listen for the fear?! Add to the list: fear?

Good to hear from you!!

Okay then. I suggest you ask your boyfriend to write down ALONE what he wants out of this counseling - and fold the paper over and take it with him to your first session together. You do the same. Tell your counselor you've done this and then let she/he take it from there. And remember, once you get these things out of the counseling situation, then get out and deal head-on with life again. Remember you are doing this for yourself first - your relationship second. Both of you seem to feel you deserve this chance at love. Good luck darkpumpkin!! This will be tough.

Agree 100%

P.S. At the very least it could be a learning opportunity for your next potential romance.

I don't know. I think you could go ahead and try counseling -- just both of you separately write down what you want out of this counseling - and once you both get the "answers" to your goals, go ahead and get out of counseling. I'm like you - kind of hurt from past, failed relationships and mapping these hurts over present, unrelated opportunities. If someone believed in me to go into counseling after just 4 months - I'd be flattered, and reassured.

Relationships should be based on affection, not fear. When something seems right I am not as afraid, and behave much better. But when things don't seem right I am insecure and act in a whirl of foppery. So your gut (which I'd trust) makes you fearful and insecure and the whole thing is awry. Notable in your case is both want to go to counseling. So do you think your goal in counseling should be: a) to get answers about whether this is right? b) to make it work no matter what? c) to make it work under certain given parameters that both identify in counseling?

Dear Rhonda, Sorry for all the details I just don't know which to ignore .. Last year I asked a very good friend (of two years) out romantically and she came back and said (wrote actually) "I don't do romance for lack of a better word perhaps if we can better friends I can tell you what this means. Believe me I 've tried its just not in me. But by all means let's go out ... no expectations, no strings attached .. I tell all the guys this." I came back and said there are other more devoted people out there who are looking for a devoted type of person like me and who has only been involved in committed, sexual relationships and that at the very least she had saved our friendship. She came back and said that there other men in her life, too and that she liked and trusted me more. After our final "calendared" outing she immediately (within 24 hours) got back together with her old boyfriend gone for two years. This was a quick affair - during which she invited me out to dinner and wine and reminded me of "no romance." I put this off. But a few weeks later she alluded to the fact that her boyfriend was gone and I was again invited to dinner - this time at her house. While there she spoke of their blow-up. This turned me off as if she was on the bounce or using he or I to play one another off - not only did I not make a move but also did not discuss what needed to be discussed - what does this "no romance" thing mean. After three hours we ended our casual talk, I hugged her and left. She said let's get together that week. But after that dinner she stopped talking to me and responding to my calls and e-mail. After some time I got a bit angry and e-mailed her I thought it unfair to have left me, as a friend, who had expressed interest in greater intimacy, in this lurch of not knowing what "no romance" means. I said I respected her more than I respected myself and I shouldn't have waited until we become "better friends" to find out what this meant. She said she had already told me more than what she tells other guys and what she really means is "no relationships -- just friends." She added that she'd been engaged twice and that should really be all that I needed to know. Rhonda, I am confused if this is just where she needs to start OR if I am dealing with someone who a) really just wants nothing but friendship from me, b) has an emotional obstacle to committed relationships, in particular with me. At this time she knows my heart is confused and broken and I am distancing myself. She has not contacted me since I made this clear. Thanks for your time and insight, cantexplain

If this is the case you will have to show an unusual level of compassion and patience about this issue. I know it is very hard. I've been there. My thinking is go ahead and make a sacrifice relating to your conversation about your need for sex - this imbalance between her current drive and yours. Take the advice of one of the above posters and show romantic, friendly, respectful, and intimate feelings but not sexual. Do this as long as it takes. You see, when she was abused she had no choice. She needs to have the choice. So back off, show love, and I bet the affection will slowly build. And let her build it in a way that works for both of you. Stop talking sex.

Yes, in these stories it sounds like the interest was real - the girl was scared.

P.S. If she had cheated once I'd say work on this. But twice means she is very likely an incurable cheat. I am very sorry this has happened to you -- but rest assuredly you are not alone. What really adds to your story is that she doesn't sound too remorseful and expects you to just "forgettaboutit." She has blown it with you and will likely blow it with others she tries to commit to down the road. Please don't blame yourself.

secure your and your child's interests and fly away, I say.