charliek

shuz- Your situation is very similar to mine minus me being clingy, and our relationship was 5 years plus. . .but everything else, to the T! We have been broken up for about 2 months now and we have LC to NC. . .In the beginning I hated him b/c of the third party. I was so upset that after 5 yrs this girl could just come in and replace me just like that. . .I was miserable. . .but I worked really hard at focusing on me. . . and taking all that hurt and anger towards him and realized that it's not fair he gets to go out and live his life as if he's not hurting and i'm in bed wasting away, crying, etc. . .to me that was unattractive. So I got my butt up and started to go out. . .even if it was to a book store to try and find a book that would give me answers as to how to take this pain away. . .I stumbled upon one that really helped me. No it wasn't a step by step process BUT it was a reality check for me. The book, "its called a break up b/c it's broken," and many times I closed it and didn't want to admit that that was how my relationship was. . .but I always went back to the book and realized ok, yes that is my relationship and lets see how they delt w/ it. . . I still have my down days, but they are getting farther apart. But when they hit, they hit hard. But i know that is b/c I was in love w/ this man and shared a lot of good times w/ him and miss him. Not necissarily b/c I want him back. . . I did learn and am still learning htat my ex did and is hurting b/c we broke up. But the toughest part for me was he wasn't showing it the same way I do. . .so I couldn't recognize it.But now I separate him from me and realize his emails telling me he's thinking of me, his reactions to me going out w/ others, etc. . .is his way of showing me that he is hurting. But don't dwell on him anymore. This time it's about you! The pain does go away once you start focusing your attention on something you do have control over. . that's you!! Do things for you, not to impress him or try and win him back. . .do things that make you happy!! Thats all you have control over. . .for example, if you had your hand on a bunch of stick pins you would remove your hand right away to remove the pain right. . .well, remove him from your mind. . .every time you start to miss him, right down 5 things you want to accomplish as goals. . .start small each day! Make a goal that you know you will accomplish that day that makes you happy!! It gets better I promise. . . hugs

You have to trust your gut feeling. If something doesn't feel right then it probably isn't. . .whether or not someone is worth a second chance depends on your situation. But always trust your gut and set your own limits as to what you will and will not accept from this person if you do give them a second chance. . .and stick by those limits! Your gut won't lie to you, people do. . . .

i have been in your shoes. . .but my ex only was doing this with one girl and not two. . .if you don't put your foot down now, he will continue this trust me. . .Just saying ok I forgive you. . .Just b/c he's trying, he's trying to distract you and trying to make it seem as if you have no reason to ever check up on him. . . TRUST me. . . I went through this. . I was w/ a guy for 5 years lived w/ him for the last 2+ of our realaitonship and it only got worse. . .Every time I would catch him w/ a new txt msg or email. . .he would tell me he didn't know why she was emailng/txting him or that he'd put a stop to it. . .I'd forgive him and trust that he was telling me the truth b/c for the next few days after he'd get caught he would "try". . . .but every few weeks I'd find something new. . .and another lie, another I'll try etc. . . . Needless to say I couldn't take it anymore. . I could not stand the lies, the feeling that I constantly had of not feeling good enough for him, etc. . .I could not deal w/ it AT ALL ANY MORE. . .I had more self respect, dignity, and pride to let that happen to me anymore. . .And I am passing the same advice onto you. . .put a stop to it. . .b/c as soon as he knows he can dangle a ring, or do a good deed to make you "trust" him again. . .he will dance that dance the whole time you allow it. . . PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE for yourself put an end to it. . .you give them an inch they'll take a mile. . .TRUST ME!! you're strong enough to not put up w/ this. . .to not let anyone do this to you. . . .no one should ever make you feel this way about yourself. . . hugs

This may be hard to hear BUT hear me out. . .He may have given her an answer she didn't want to hear. They may have discussed "them" and he may have told her there is no "them". . . .she may have realized that he is just playing a game w/ her. . tested things w/ her to see if she still wanted him and as soon as she gave in, he had the ego boost he needed and said no thanks to her. . .(People are capable of it, ask my ex) But whatever the reason is that she said she hates him, she has told you this before and you need to discuss this with her. You need to find out what triggered in her mind to A) make her consider him and confuse her about you two and B) what happened to make her hate him all over again. . .Make sure everything was done for reasons that YOU can accept and never settle. . b/c if he ever comes back and says I've changed you need to be sure that she will stand her ground w/ him and show YOU off to HIM!! Good luck! hugs

What should I do now? If she calls later do I pick up? If she doesn't call at all when should I call her? How do I make her actually want to be with me and not want to go back to her ex? In all honesty, I would tell her that she needs to make a decision. It's not fair to either one of you. . .Putting your foot down now is my best advice. I went through this same thing and didn't put my foot down and my ex kept this other girl around for the whole last year of our relationship. I told him not to talk to her and that just caused him to lie about and in the end we are not together b/c I chose for myself to not be second best to anyone. . .to NOT share my bf's attention w/ another girl. I made him choose either her or me and have had NC at all for a week and a half. I will not let my self pride, dignity or respect for myself be belittled by someone who is trying to have their cake and eat it too. . . IF she calls and you want to talk to her about how you feel then do it BUT do not pressure her. . . .lay out what you are choosing for yourself. And if that means telling her to make a choice between you two, then so be it. But lay down the line now. . . If she doesn't call, let her be. She will figure it out on her own. They broke up for a reason AND if she told you she would never go back to this guy, something was defin. wrong in their relationship before and probably is still there. She'll find this out on her own, but DO NOT be that guy that tries to plead his case as to why she should be w/ you. . .SHE WILL figure this out on her own and that's the best way to have it. . .What happened w/ her ex is all new, exciting to her etc. But eventually that all fades and the truth of that relationship will be exposed and that's when it will hit her like a ton of bricks IF she tries to be w/ him again. AND the last question you asked. . .the harsh reality is YOU CAN'T! She needs to figure this out on her own BUT I promise you if you take a step back from her. . .give her her space she will start to wonder about you. She will start to question what to do. . .but IF you pressure her, call her and try to make her see that you are the better choice I promise you this will give her all the reason in the world to not be w/ you... That is the harsh reality.We always want what we can't have and if someone makes it too easy to be with them, if someone is throwing themselves at us and we have another option of someone who is acting as if they don't want to be w/ us. . .WE WILL ALWAYS GO AFTER THE ONE WHO DOESN'T SEEM TO WANT US. . .it's just human nature. . . Play it cool and let her figure things out on her own w/o any pressure from you. Let her know if you want that you have decided for yourself that you need to give her time and space to really figure out what she wants and you are willing to respect that. Give her credit that at least she told you and didn't hide it and pursue it behind your back. That should show you that she does care about you but is confused. . .Take a deep breath and give her time. . .Time is both your worst enemy and your best friend. . .BUT PLEASE I BEG YOU DONT PUSH HER FOR HER DECISION. . . hugs!

Ok I was where you are today about 2 years ago. My bf and I had been together by then 3 yrs, I was graduating college and all of my friends were getting married. BUT our relationship had issues. . .I knew this. but i wanted to be married. . .I did what you did, told him I'm not cleaning his house, I'm not giving it up any more, thinking why should he have all of this and I don't get what I want. . .but see that's where the problem was. He broke up w/ me b/c he didn't want to deal w/ this anymore so I went to go talk w/ someone about my relationship issues. . . come to find out I finally found what I was looking for. . .the truth about a misconception about marriage. . .and I will share it w/ you for free since it cost me money!! 1) Marriage is what I wanted but marriage is not what WE wanted. A marriage is about two people uniting as one, not one person focing the other to be legally bound to them forever. Once the excitement of the wedding is over w/. . .then you have the rest of your life to live w/ the fact that YOU forced him to do this and you will NEVER know if he truly feels/felt that way for you. . . 2) Marriage, an engagement ring, a piece of paper that says we are married DOES NOT solve any issues that are in the relationship prior to the marriage/engagement. None of those things wipes your relationship slate clean. ALL of the problmes that are there now, WILL still be there once that ring is put on your finger. It may make YOUR world seem perfect b/c you got that ring, but in HIS eyes, the issues that were there before ARE still there but now he's just added a debt to the whole scheme by buying you a ring that you forced him to buy . . .resentment may and probably will occur b/c you told him what to do, he's realizing he's losing control of what he is allowed to do w/ his life and money, he starts to second guess what he's doing, and in the end it will back fire on you. . .he will end it!! 3) Just b/c you have a ring or a marriage, does NOT mean that he will change. ALL of the things you feel he does wrong now, are not going away. These are 3 very hard lessons I learned and had to be told very bluntly to my face by someone outside of my circle of friends and him. . .Once I learned these lessons, I was able to build myself back up to WHO I AM W/ OR W/O him and not depend so much on him nor a ring to make me happy. Within a month we got back together and were together for another 2 years and let me tell you we are now no longer dating b/c of WHO HE IS. . . and I am so glad that we never did get married I have had a lot of friends go through divorce and it's way worse then just a break up. . .Trust me. Work on yourself, build up who you are and make sure HE is the one you want to spend the REST of your life w/. . .NOT just someone to have a wedding w/!! Hugs. . .

emotions can be our best friend or our worst enemy. . .during break ups, man I wish they didn't exist!! It's funny how just a brief encounter gets your body and mind to resurface all those feelings you have worked so hard to push away. . .but trust me you're being strong and please if she doesn't respond, let it go and don't waste another minute thinking about it. . .You've done great and by pushing the issue of why she didn't contact you will only make it worse!! Happy new year and what a great time to turn over a new leaf!! Stay strong!!

Take a deep breath and rest assure you ARE NOT ALONE. . .today is just your brick wall day! I am having one as well. . .but you need to know that you have done this for 28 days, and you will have days like today! But as time keeps going on, these days will come far and few. . .my suggestion is write about it on here. . .right ALL of your frustrations even if it's a pm to me. . .getting it out tends to clear the mind and may be that all you need to do. . for example, write to me as if I am here . .. don't hold anything back. Don't sugar coat anything. . .get it all out and send it to me. . . That way you know it's all out, it's been sent (not to her so she will never know) but to me. . .this is a lot more theraputic then you can imagine. You have a lot bottled up in you right now that pertains to her and you just need to release it. . .and when you have these days, that's what it is about. For all of these NC days, you have been doing great and it will get easier I promise. . . .but you have to realize. . .these days happen, it doesnt mean you took any steps back, it's just a day that your mind and body are telling you to take a moment and release. . .So try it and see what happens. . .then go do your hobby charliek

thank you every one! This defin. helps!! As all of you know we can be so strong for so many days and a brick wall smacks in our face one day out of the blue and it's a matter of picking yourself back up. But at least he is not able to see this side of me.To him I am the girl that is moving forward w/ or w/o him and it's easier for him to not deal w/ that and ignore me then to realize that he no longer has control of my emotions and my desires!! I promise myself and you all are my witness that I will never just settle, and although today I am feeling down about myself b/c of what he did, I know deep down inside this will pass w/o him ever knowing that I broke today!! thank you for the words of encouragement and it makes me believe again that there are good people in this world who do hurt and have feelings towards other people and how their actions affect others. Keep your heads up high as I will do the same!! Love ya all!!

thank you to both of you. I just am feeling down today. I think more then anything I feel rejected and have a hard time understanding why he wants to be w/ someone who litterally throws herself at him, when he for so many years has told me he wants someoen who is strong, independent, not needy, not clinging, gives him his space, etc. And I have been witness to how this girl is all of those things. I also don't understand people like her. I don't understand taht she thinks it's a normal behavior to be w/ someone or try for someone who is and has been in a long term relationship, that there's a child involved who knows me and wants us to be a family, etc. . . .I just am hurting right now and may be its more my ego that is crushed. . .I do feel stupid that i gave him so much and she didn't and she gets him. . .UGh!! I fight w/ the heart and mind but usually the heart wins w/ all the hurt that overwhelms the situation. . . thanks for the kind words. . .I want hm to realize his mistake. . LOL

So I was in a relationship for 5 yrs. The past year we have broken up two other times and both times he ran to the same girl and BOTH times he has dumped her to be back w/ me. This other gir has not stepped off at all towards my ex. While we were together she would pour her heart out to him about how she felt about him. . .knowing he was with me. Well he's not innocent in this, he let her do this, called her just as much, emailed her just as much, kept her on a string all along. Well this last time we broke up (for the 3rd time) it was b/c he had been lying to me about how much he was really still in contact w/ this other girl. I called and confronted her and that was that. . .Right away this girl dug her claws in even deeper now that we are not together. All the while he was still calling me, telling me not to move, that he still cares and loves me very much, etc. . .but yet he still could not leave this other girl alone. Well it got to the point that I finally gave him an ultimatum. I decided for myself that I have put up w/ this girl for over a year constantly being a part of our relationship. Every time they started talking again, his attitude towards me changed. . .So the week of christmas I told him I was staying and not moving and he told me that's good. That he thought we have a chance to reconcile. . .then since his family and child were coming into town I asked if he was going to introduce his child to this other girl since i wasn't going to be there (he had already told me that since things were up in the air he was telling his child that I was on vacation for the week w/ my family bc we did live together) he told me he didn't know. . .That's when I had had it. . . I told him that if he thought there was any chance for us, then he needed to take a big step back from this other girl and decide. That if he chooses to have her in his life, I am not willing to do this anymore. That I am not going to sit back and let him mess w/ both of our minds and I get put on the back burner while he decides who he wants. Never in 5 yrs have I said anything like this to him. NEver have I stood up for myself and he was quite taken back. Telling me he does not react well to ultimatums and that she would never make him choose. . .and I told him that's the difference between her and I, I have self respect and dignity and am not willing to do this anymore. . . He told by the end of the conversation that he'd let me know what his decision was. . . that was the week of christmas and I haven't heard a thing. I know that what i said was right, that I needed to put my foot down. I knwo taht w/ his child here and his family here all last week he threw himself into that and didn't want to dea w/ me probably b/c we keep fighting about this other girl. . .I also think he is testing me and my strength if I would really stand by this. At one point during one of our many arguments about this girl he told me that he knows I would never be able to stop talking to him. . .that's why I think he is waiting for me to break NC. . . after we broke up this time, he was contacting me about every other day if not every day. I never made the first contact. . .I do not want to be as pathetic as this other girl. She calls him 3 to 4 time a day and I know this is not the type of girl he wants. . .he claims they are not dating (or did a week and a half ago) b/c he may be moving closer to his child. He told me he wanted to find out where he is going b4 he made any decision about anyone. . .but I figured for the 5 yrs that I gave him my all and this girl has done nothing but be a rebound for him the past 3 times he has ended it w/ me, it just hurts that he's being this way. I am trying to be strong and just need some words of encouragement. What i did by telling him that its either her or me not both was the right thing to do. . .but today I am just sad b/c I didn't hear a thing from his nor his child over christmas and I ahve no clue what he's thinking or doing. . . for all I know he decided to be w/ her b/c it would be easier and no rules. . .and that sucks. . .but I know in my mind I don't want to be w/ someone like this but my heart still hurts for me. . . Just need some advice and words of enouragement. Today is a down day for me!!

I have gone through this w/ my recent ex as well. We were together for 5 yrs and this past year he broke up w/ me well let see this is number 3...all 3 times he has ran back to the same girl and in the end I am feeling like crap. BUT all 3 times I have learned the strength that I do have in me w/o him. And this last time that he has broken up w/ me I, like you, stood up for myself and told him things that I would never have said in the past b/c I was afraid of his reaction. This last time that he broke up w/ me he made all contact w/ me, telling me he missed me, telling me he didn't know what he wanted, etc. But yet this other girl was still in the picture. He too made me always question who I was, was i good enough, etc. Not b/c of his lifestyle but bc this other girl was always in the picture. But like you after taking a step back I gained the confidence and realize I don't want to be "THAT" girl. . .Not once have I ever asked to be back w/ him this time, in all honesty I have done the opposite of everything I had done in the past that included and ultimatum or I guess more of a choice then anything. I chose for myself that this other girl would not be apart of my life anymore and if he felt the need to have her continue to be in his life then I would no longer be apart of his life. . .He told me the same things you are hearing. . .that he had never seen this side of me, or hadn't seen this strong side of me for a long time. That the strong girl is who he fell for. . .told me the same thing that right now we can't be back together b/c of all the drama, etc. . .that I needed to give him time to figure out what he really wanted. . .Needless to say, NC has been made between us AT ALL since that day. Not even for christmas and we were together for 5 yrs. . . What you need to do is hear what he is saying and take his words seriously. IF he really feels what he told you, the conversation you had w/ him rattled him just as much as it did you. IT gave him a lot to think about which is why he is saying that right now you can't be together. .give him his space BUT don't sit around waiting for him. LIVE YOUR LIFE b/c who knows this new guy may be your prince charming and you don't want to let that slide b/c you are waiting for your ex to make up his mind!! Give him his space, stay strong and let him straighten out what his issues are. You have said everything he needs to hear. . .he sees you for you now. . . and will make his decision based on that. BUT by the time he figures this out, it might be too late...you may have your prince charming right in front of you, don't let your ex blind you!! Take time for yourself and let your ex do the same. . .Girls are very well known for replaying conversations so they can tare it apart for any meaning and chance of hope. . .but just take word for word what he said at face value. . .he still said you can't be together right now. . .and that's what he means! So give him his space!

LC, If this is how you truly feel. . .that there is something within you that is not allowing you trust waht he is saying. . .Don't put this back on him. IF he is doing everything you ask to show you that he wants to be with you and it's not good enough for you right now, you need to go talk with someone who can help you through this. There is nothing wrong w/ having questions about yourself and getting help for that. I did it and I build on the information my counselor gave me every day. But if you keep asking for more from him to show you and he does these things, you will eventually push him away and he will get tired of trying. And I don't think you want this. Try talking with someone who can get you back to where you don't have to question his love for you. That him being w/ you is more then enough and you can then enjoy ALL of the time you have w/ him instead of wasting time doubting him. If you love this man, you owe it to him and yourself to figure get help in figuring out what is really making you question him. . .You have a good thing going, so don't push him away b/c you may not get another chance. Go give him a hug and look in his eyes and quit saying "yeah but if she comes back to you would you go back to her. . ." In all honesty asking him this question, it will just get him to rethink a decision he already made. . he chose you. . .why make him reconsider this? Why push him to even reconsider this? don't make him look bakc at his decision, he's trying to move on but you won't let him. . . IF you truly believe everything you said to me, give the guy a break. . .and try and realize he chose me. . .and that's it. . .NO but what if she comes back, no but what if he feels stronger for her. . .JUST TAKE STEP BACK AND HEAR EXACTLY WHAT HE IS TELLING YOU. . .

If you have no feelings for this girl. . .DONT DO ANYTHING. Girls look for any sign of hope. Trust me I use to be this way. The girl will try to push herself back into the ex's life no matter at what it is costing them (their pride, dignity,etc) Anything to get you thinking about them and contact them . .The need for contact by you to them, means you have to talk to them and they have the chance to over analize what you said to them. . .they will pick apart everything and make hope out of whatever you said to them . .you could be completely neutral to her during the conversation not mentioning anything about the two of you, and end the conversation w/ I'll talk to you later. . .This to a girl means, osee he still wants to talk to me. . .If you have no desire to be w/this girl, please don't lead her on. Your gut is telling you she still wants more then just a friendship. The whole notion of not being able to move onto another guy bc she still thinks of you is a red flag that she A. is trying to make you jealous that she has the opp. to be w/ other guys, but yet lets you know she isn't doing anything w/ them b/c she wants to still be w/ you. . .B. Is telling you loud and clear how strong her feelings for you are still to this day. . . Girls think very emotionally and usually do whatever they can whether it's lowering themselves to the lowest of low w/o even thinking. . .Leave this girl alone like you have been. One day it's going to hit her how stupid she is being or was being to get your attention. AT that point then yes a friendship could have a possiblity. . .but until she realizes her actions, stay away IF you don't want anything but a relationship w/ this girl!!

Listen to your heart. What you told him is right. . .you can't be w/ a guy who has feelings for another. Trust me I was in a 5 yr relationship w/ a guy that every time we broke up this last year he ran back to the same girl for a month then get back w/ me. In one year we broke up 2 times and both times he went to her. This girl NEVER left him alone and it only fueled his feelings that he still had for her. He too could not leave her alone which made her only try harder for him. It made our relationship miserable b/c even though I was his gf I could see him fighting w/ himself about me and her. . .He started lying to me about having contact w/ her, but my gut new he was still talking w/ her. . .so I finally confronted this girl and well my ex broke up w/ me over it. In the end though, I don't take it back b/c now I know the truth, I never have to second guess myself, I will never have to worry what is he doing w/ whom. . .She does. We have been broken up for about a month and a half and I ahve stood my ground w/ this guy. This girl is still looking foolish b/c he is stringing her along and she STILL calls him all the time and throws herself at him. . .but I don't even have to try and he calls me, or emails me, or goes and does things w/ me. . .whether or not she knows? I don't know but now she has all of the doubts that I did. . .he claims they are not dating but this girl I don't think sees it that way. . .but in the end, stand up for yourself and put your foot down. I finally about a week and a half ago told my ex that I could not be apart of his life if he chooses to keep this girl in his life. He tells me he thinks that we will get back together and I told him if he feels this way he needs to leave this girl alone then. . .he told me he didn't like the ultimatum and I shouldn't be tellinghim who can and can't be in his life. And I told him that I was making a choice for myself that I don't want her a part of my life and if he wants her in his life, then I don't need him in my life. . .You should never enter a relationship w/o trust. . .never enter a relationship that is going to make you question both yourself and him. . .if you never feel secure about your relationship it's not worth it. . .it will tare you down, it will make you constantly think that you're not good enough b/c the man you are w/ has these feelings for someone else. .. trust me it's an ugly place to be in adn if I can stop it for you I will. . .DONT do it until he chooses for himself to let this girl go bc she MAY NOT leave him alone and constantly make him question you and your relationship. . .Theres so much better out there trust me I am finding!!