RescueDiver

Dunno what to tell you SuperDuper... could you give us a little back story as far as how long ago you broke up, why you broke up, who did the breaking, etc... Just be careful because I am in the same boat as you right now and in my case the gal started IMing and e-mailing me more recently (even going as far as mentioning missing me and so forth). That's starting to give me mixed signals as well. In my case too it seems like she's backed off again. So, if I were you I would go on as if she's still not interested in you. If you're feeling really bold, maybe if you can catch her alone, ask her what's up and tell her you feel like you've been getting mixed messages from her. Chances are she'll say something like she has been thinking about you more or something but nothing's really changed. Girls seem to do that after they break up with you and it can be VERY frustrating.

Let's see... well when I was first getting into girls I couldn't tell the difference. The first date or two it is pretty much still impossible for me to tell. However, I'm much more in tune with my feelings now after 16+ years of dating mistakes. Generally if I feel that I am connecting with someone more on an intellectual level (and emotional) as opposed to mainly physical, that's a good sign. I think most of the time infatuations are the result of more physical attraction than anything or attraction primarily due to a single aspect of someone. I.e. they're good looking, or they're successfull, or they're funny, etc... as opposed to being attracted to that person as a whole. One thing I seemed to find when I was infatuated with someone is that I had to be around them ALL THE TIME. Whereas if I was in love (or falling in love) most of the time when we were apart I was okay because I knew I'd be seeing them again. Don't get me wrong, I would miss them and want to be with them, but it wouldn't be as obsessive. The reason they leave, is as I said before... infatuation burns out, evaporates, whatever. Forgive the analogy, but it's like a kid with a new toy... they play with it to death but eventually get bored with it and move on to a different one. Where love comes in is after that infatuation goes away, if you are in love you have connected on very deep level and that of course can get hard to explain because then it becomes one of those things that it's hard to describe, but you know it when you feel it. By paying close attention to how you are feeling in the early stages of a relationship and seeing how they turn out (i.e. if the feelings go away or not) you should be able to get a feel for the difference and be able to tell earlier if you are infatuated with someone, or falling in love. Unfortunately there's still no good way to determine it with other people. Some people, like me, are hopeless romantics. So when I realize I'm falling in love with someone I completely give into that and put all that energy into displaying my love, devotion, romantic gestures, poetry, etc... you name it. Basically all the things you women seem to wish your men would do for you. The problem is that people like me tend to fall hard and fast for people once we feel that connection. Some women love it, others feel smothered by it. But that's something you have to watch for too because a romantic could look like somone who is just infatuated because they may come on very strong and romantic.

I dated a girl for over a year (and on and off for the next two years) where we lived over six hours away from each other. Spent a lot of time on the phone and using IMs. I had considered getting a webcam at some point (you might want to look into that). It's really nice to have because whether you're using IM or telephone being able to see facial expressions is worth more that you would think.

Try to get out and do something you enjoy to distract yourself. You are going to be fighting with getting her out of your head and then being reminded of her for quite a while yet. Time is the only thing that is going to help. Talk to your friends about what's happened. You'll finally reach a point when you can't say anything else about it. If you can't do that, try writing in a "journal" or "diary" about your thoughts and feelings. That has gotten me through more than one really bad breakup.

1). The guy will react negatively in any number of ways... he may withdraw from you, he may get angry, he may make snide remarks, etc... 2). Yes that would definitely bruise a guy's ego. 3). Well, he will either need time to get over it, or, someone to show a greater interest in him instead of his friend. 4). All men have some level of pride and/or ego (and so do women).

Okay here's your first problem... you're trying to talk to someone that has headphones on. Try talking to girls that aren't listening to their iPod and you'll probably have better luck. Second, try talking about current events, ask open ended questions, etc... No it's not weird that you have an easier time talking to guys. You can practice your skills by talking to every female possible. That'll get you more comfortable with talking to them.

The thing I've noticed is that women seem to like to say things like that. They're sentimental and emotional and love to say things like what your ex- has told you. The problem is that it doesn't mean that they're regretting their decisions and it drives us guys nuts!

Experience, along with the fact that we are (generally) more mature. Most of the women I have dated have been 4 to 8 years younger than me.

Congratulations! Glad to hear it worked. ShySoul is right first kisses are scary (and I go into burning buildings for a living!) The good news that you're past the hardest part... the bad news is that things will still be murkey for a while. No, it doesn't mean you're officially going out. Let's see... if I were you... ask her out on some real dates like Shy said and see where things go. Try not to let your heart go too crazy until you find out for sure that she's as into you as you're into her. You kinda have to play things by ear because this never goes the same way twice. You know speaking of first kisses and stuff, I have another amusing story on that. I was dating this one gal "Marjy" I think her name was. Well on our first date we went out to dinner and stuff, went back to my apartment to kill time before we headed out to a comedy club. While we were there I was showing her pictures of firefighting, etc... So after a little while we go off to the comedy club then head back to a downtown hotel she had a room at. She was from a city an hour-and-a-half away and at the time it seemed presumptuous to invite her to stay overnight with me (since I only had a one bedroom apartment and no couch). Anyhoo, I think she wanted to change shoes or something because we were going out to have a few drinks at a local bar. So, after she took care of what she needed to she came over and sat on the bed next to me and dropped onto her back and said "so, now that you have me on my back what are you going to do?" and giggled. I'm pretty dense when it comes to "kiss me" signals and stuff like that, but even I couldn't miss that one. After I kissed her I said jokingly "is that what you were waiting for?" She laughed and said "yes." She later told me that she'd been wanting me to kiss her ever since we left the restaurant. She also started buying me drinks like I've never seen either... so in addition to that being the first time a woman has ever been that upfront about wanting to be kissed, that was also the first time I had a woman deliberately try to get me drunk! Oh and Shy... the thing with my situation was that I had no idea if she wanted to be kissed or not. I mean we had exchanged hugs and stuff, but there were no clear cut signals (which I'm better about watching for ever since Marjy). I figured it was worth the risk and it was. That reminds me... I suppose you could use that relationship as a template if you want Strc... just be forewarned... it didn't turn out the way I was hoping, but it started out great. Basically what happened after that is we went out to dinner a few days later, and after that we went to Mazda's ZoomZoom Live (link removed. We're both auto enthusiasts so that was an awesome date (actually that was the best date I have been on ever). We were pretty close physically that day too so I figured we were headed in the right direction. We'd been on a couple of dates before the first kiss too (and initially were only going to be friends because she wasn't comfortable with me being a firefighter). That was another thing that kept screwing with my head because she said flat out that it was a problem, but after our first date she was acting like she'd changed her mind but never said anything. So I was going out on a limb with that kiss. After the 5th date (ZoomZoom) I asked her if she was comfortable where we were headed and she said she was. She specified that she wasn't looking for a commitment yet though. My point is that at some point you'll want to find out if she's dating anyone else or if it's just you.

The obsessive thoughts go away in time. There was a girl I was completely obsessed with (and thought I was in love with of course) when I was in 4th grade. She and I actually started to become pretty good friends about 4 years later (just in time for me to move 180 miles away). I still think about her from time to time.

Can you give us any examples Jessica. I doubt it's anything you're doing wrong, it's probably just that guys are fickle creatures and until we've developed feelings for someone our attractions towards someone can come and go daily.

Oh I dunno, some of us shy guys live for great conversation. The idea fairie had is excellent. I recently went on a first date with a gal and was so nervous I said virtually nothing all through dinner (even though she and I had already talked for hours over IM, phone, e-mail, etc...) After dinner we went for a nice long spirited drive in my Twin-Turbo Supra (both of us are car enthusiasts). Once we did that, I felt completely at ease and we ended up all night talking until 4:30 the next afternoon. It was probably the best first date I've ever been on.

At your age there are laws (at least in the U.S.) called statutory rape (having sex with anyone under the age of 18 ). This guy could get in serious trouble for becoming physical with you. I don't know how Canada's laws read, so keep that in mind. Also, understand that the transition from High School to college is a HUGE transition as is (in the U.S.) the transition from 20 to 21 (because once you hit 21 here you can go out to the bars and drink legally). I have seen virtually no relationships survive either one of those transitions. Now, if I were a parent, I wouldn't be real happy about my underage son or daughter dating a 20 year old. Even though I was guilty of it when I was your age, sex is really bad news when you're young. The risks are simply too great for what you get out of it and this is what your father is undoubtedly trying to protect you from. The other thing I would be worrying about as a parent is you getting into alcohol because it'd be very easy for him to obtain it. The problem with that in this country is not that people under 21 should or shouldn't drink, the problem is that the vast majority of them can't be responsible about it. Yes I know it can be argued that a large number of adults can't either, but that's beside the point. The age difference isn't that big of a deal. Actually, as you get older, age difference means less and less. Most of my girlfriends have been 4 to 10 years younger than me. I dated one girl for a couple of weeks that was 17 when I was 24. What's more important than age difference is where each of you are at in your lives. Two people who have a 10 year age difference that are out of college already established will have a much better chance at "making it" than a couple with a 2 year age difference where one is graduating from college and the other is still in the middle of college.

In the beginning it's very difficult to tell infatuation from love (for both the person experiencing it as well as the person on the receiving end). I have told people before, that love isn't always the loudest "voice" in the back of your mind... but it's something that's always there. The loudest voice is often infatuation... but you're right, infatuation does go away after a while (especially if things get difficult). I believe that all relationships start out as mostly infatuation with a little bit of love. Over time as the infatuation fades, love grows to fill the void... or, like what seems to have happened with you... they suddenly realize they're not "in love" with you and leave. The people I've really connected with have usually been people I've enjoyed very long intimate conversations with before ever doing anything physical with them. That process, as opposed to some conversation, followed by lots of making out/sex/etc... seems to produce better results as far as people I actually fall in love with as opposed to people I become infatuated with. It's really hard to describe this because it's mostly based on feelings, intuition, and so forth... but I guess one of the ways I feel that I've been able to tell if I'm falling in love or if I'm just infatuated with someone is that love develops slower than infatuation. If I'm getting to know someone and I find myself immediately feeling strong feelings towards them, thinking I LOVE THIS PERSON! That's generally infatuation... it seems to come on fast and strong. On the other hand if it progresses slower, as I'm getting to know the person I find out things about them that make me have doubts and then get over those doubts... and gradually feel stronger and stronger for them... then I know I'm falling in love with them. Now, as far as telling the difference between whether someone is in love with you, or if someone is infatuated with you... that's really hard, if not impossible. I know that when I have been infatuated with someone I have done a lot of the same stuff that I do when I'm in love with someone. However, it seems that with infatuation it burns a lot brighter, but burns out a lot faster. So, that may be the only way to tell... that and how the person responds to adversity in the relationship. If you screw up and they are able to forgive you and move on (and don't have a huge, "you've broken my trust, I don't know if I can ever trust you again" episode). I'm talking about relatively small slip-ups here... if you cheat on someone you can expect a reaction like that. On the other hand, if the road gets bumpy and all of the sudden they start having major doubts because the innocence of the relationship is gone... I think there's a good probability that it's just infatuation.

I would be very careful about getting involved with her right now. You did good with the rose thing. I actually did that one time with a gal named Laura that I was interested in, but instead of calling me less... she called me more. That was kind of the turning point in our friendship. Up until then we had been on one "date" and she was nearly impossible to get ahold of. But, after that things got remarkably better and we were rarely apart after that. The problem is, I got banished to "just a friend" land where I remain today (11 years later). Every once in a while we revisit the "more than friends" issue but so far nada. Anyway, in your case, chances are, she knows you're interested... the rose pretty much says that. The thing is that it's probably not a good time for her right now (and I bet she'd say that if you asked her). Now you can back off a bit and wait... then move in when the coast clears, or you can try to be her friend and stuff. Just be warned that if you go in for friendship right now you may end up like me and get stuck there. The other thing is, that if her ex- comes back and she wants him back... you could get the boot. So just be cautious. Beware of the song lyrics thing too... I've gotten burned on that one too thinking they were talking about me and weren't. I'd say she's probably just venting out feelings... stuff like that isn't always about you or anyone else. It'd be nice if women were that obvious... but most aren't.

If you're afraid of the answer then it's probably not the right time to ask because it sounds like you're afraid of him saying "yes." On the other hand not knowing can be even worse. At least if you know the answer you can deal with it right? If you can bring it up and have a healthy discussion about it... I'd say go for it. Tell your boyfriend your thoughts, feelings, and fears about it. Let him answer "yes" or "no" first, otherwise he'll feel like you're pressuring him for a certain answer. Tell him that you're afraid that it might mean he doesn't feel you're good enough. I'm willing to be that he'll be sensitive to your concerns and will be supportive with it. Just make sure you don't get defensive about it. If you've known each other for three years (and together for a year) you should be able to have a good heart-to-heart about it. Don't worry about having to "lead into" it either. Just tell him you want to ask him about something and ask him.

There is really nothing you can do in the short term. Over the long term of course you can rebuild the trust you lost by being honest, not lying, taking opportunities to show responsibility and following through on them. Trust is not always an absolute (even though we would like it to be). It is something that grows and shrinks day to day. It is affected by what we say (or don't say), our actions, even by things we cannot control (like our partner's perceptions of our words and actions). It is true that trust is a cornerstone of a good relationship, but so is forgiveness. Sadly the only real way to know if that cornerstone exists is to break the other one. Obviously I'm not saying that you should go out and do something bad just to see if you'll be forgiven. The first time we slip up in a relationship is always the scariest because we don't know exactly what's going to happen. There is also the feeling that the "innocence" has been lost from the relationship and that for some can be a very painful thing. The important thing to remember is that the test of a relationship often isn't how great things are when the seas are calm... but what happens when the seas are angry and we are at our worst. No guy expects perfection out of their girlfriend (at least none that are going to be able to hold a relationship for any length of time) and trying to hold yourself to that standard isn't healthy. Most guys are going to be annoyed that you lied to them, but they will also be breathing a sigh of relief that it was over something as insignificant as this. Because they know that if you feel this bad over lying over a couple of drinks... that there's less chance they you'll do something *really* bad. Listen to what Hope said... because you came clean shortly afterward vastly minimized any damage that was done. If he had found out himself... that would've been disasterous if he truly has trust issues. To be honest with you, this shouldn't be something he needs to pour over for days. If he has to then there is something else going on. Give him his space and try not to worry. No guy in their right mind would dump you over this.

I hate to break this to you mandy, but you boyfriend probably has, does, or will look at or see porn at some point. Especially if his friends find out he's never seen it. It would be a shame for you to dump the boy for something as silly as that. I know it's been said before but what guy in his right mind is going to take porn and masturbation over intimacy with a real woman. The comment byates made is a little ridiculous too. Trying to learn sexual technique from a porno movie is like trying to learn how to fly the Space Shuttle by watching videos of the launch and landing. Sure you might get a new idea or two... but that's about it. As with everything else all guys are different, but when I'm in a relationship with a woman I lose virtually all interest in porn, along with other women in general. Are all guys like that? No, but just because a guy watches porn doesn't mean that he's unfaithful or lusting after another woman. Besides, your man lusting after Jenna Jameson is hardly a threat to you... trust me on that one. I have actually been fortunate enough to have been in a couple of relationships where my girlfriend actually LIKED watching porn. Now, we didn't start off every lovemaking session with one, but every once in a while we'd rent one. Now, does that mean that the girlfriends that I've had that hated porn and thought it was disgusting were inferior to the others? Of course not. But if one of those girlfriends had forbid me from watching porn, I would have had some serious issues with that. Not because porn is that important to me, but because of the underlying issue of why porn is that big of a no no.

Go for it, but guard your heart with her... she sounds like she could be like lillady says... only wants what she can't have. She sounds like she wants to go out with you... get to know her and see what happens. Just be careful though. Course of action... well, she's already made it pretty clear she wants to hang out with you, so just try to find a day/night she's free and plan something. If it were me I'd try to make sure it was something where I could talk and get to know her better. i.e. movie at home, dinner, walks, etc...

If I were you I would do what you can to move on in life. If you're going to get a second chance with her it isn't going to be anytime soon (I'm talking it may be years, if ever). I'm not saying it can't or won't happen. She has said that she wants to play the field and you're not going to get a fair second chance until she's gone out and done that (made mistakes, etc...). So, move on with your life. You have to be honest with yourself though... not waiting around and actively exploring other options are two entirely different things. If you're not doing the latter (and giving these other options honest consideration) you're clearly waiting for her and that you can't do. You're bound to do some waiting for her... that's understandable. Fading into low-contact in this situation is not going to destroy your future chances. Very few people marry their first boyfriend/girlfriend (and it's often a good thing they don't). If you hang around and maintain close contact with her you're going to get to hear about all her new boyfriends and such. That's probably one of the most aggravating things you can go through. Listen to the voice of experience here. Because if they treat her like dirt it'll infuriate you because you know you could treat her so much better, if they treat her well, you'll be depressed because she's happy and you're not. There have been a couple of times when I've crossed paths with ex's before. The most recent instance was after we had been broken up for 4 years. This was after she and her boyfriend of three years broke up. We didn't get back together though because by the time she had healed she found a new interest. I was upset about missing the second chance, but I got over it. What I'm trying to say is that you can't plan this because if it's going to happen, it's going to take longer than you will be able to plan for. So, just keep doing what it sounds like you've been doing (keeping busy, explore other options) and chances are you'll be over her in a few months (and will probably have a new interest).

Well he's "familiar" for one... and I may have treated her wonderfully but maybe that scares her because she's not used to it. She might be wondering "what's the catch?" Well, she was actually separated from her husband when she was dating Brad... personally I don't think that's right... my opinion is that you ought to be fully divorced before you are seeing anyone else but that's just my opinion. There was about 6 months in between when she broke up with Brad and when she started dating me, so I don't know if that's close succession. I'm assuming she "figured things out" when she decided to start dating Brad again. Why else would you go back to someone unless you thought it was going to work right? Thank you for the kind words patience, but the trick is finding someone that you connect with (someone that's as into you as you are into them). That can be a pretty tough thing to find. Well, obviously I am doing it because I'm interested in her and I felt a connection. Now, if I meet someone else and think that I'll get along with them better than with Jen, so be it (and I'll cross the 'friendship' bridge when I come to it). I'm not going to try to be her therapist... one, because helping her with her relationship with this guy doesn't help my cause any. Second, I've done the "therapist" thing before and it's never really gotten me anywhere. So basically I'm not "waiting" for her per-se unless she decides she made a mistake choosing Brad over me and is willing to give it another shot. The only issue then is that she's going to have to fend Brad off because they work together and I'm not going to tolerate any meddling from him. So yeah, even if this does somehow turn around to my favor... unless she is fully done with Brad I can't let her back in because I would just be setting myself up for trouble all over again.

Bella, I had the misfortune of having been in this situation but in your ex's shoes. I don't know if you can rebuild his trust or not. However, many years have gone by so there is a good chance that the wound has healed. When my ex- and I got back together it was only 6 months later. The problem of course was that the wounds and the resentment was still there so we got into fights a lot easier over silly little stuff. By the time I got over what happened it was too late. I had alienated my girlfriend and she ended up breaking up with me a year after we had gotten back together. So, basically you have to make sure that the wounds have healed and that he has or is willing to forgive you for what happened.

Hopefuly you're right Keefy. Though I don't really remember her saying anything about "bad memories" apart from his drug problem and his blowing up at her after our first date. Those were the only real digs I heard about him other than she couldn't stand being with someone shorter than her and supposedly she was never doing that again (I guess going back to ex's doesn't count).

I'm an Emergency Medical Technician (okay so that's not quite a doctor) but you'll be fine. Just keep it clean, make sure it doesn't get infected. As long as you're not experiencing any swelling I'd say you don't even need to go into a doctor, but like registered said, if it'll give you peace of mind... go in.