RescueDiver

Thanks for the compliment Grokker, as a matter of fact I have toyed around with the idea of writing (for fun). I already have a career I love though so I doubt I'd ever do it for a living. I have written several short stories just for the heck of it, never tried to publish them or anything... they'd need a ton of polishing before they'd ever be ready for that. Back in high school I *accidentally* turned a 5-7 page "short-story" assignment into a 20 page novel. lol. My english teacher at the time enjoyed the story so much that she only took off one point for going over the perscribed assignment length. But yeah, I get pretty wordy/descriptive with my stories.

And that was the point of my post the other day. It wasn't the point of the thread to scare people away from doing it, merely to demonstrate the need to be mindful of the consequences, what sorts of things can happen, etc.

Here's the Liz story...

Well, as requested I am going to share another tale from long ago. This story begins once again on link removed with an 18 y/o gal (4 years younger than me at the time). Liz attented a neighboring college and was in I think her second semester. Anyway, we chatted online over e-mail and eventually made a date to meet up after I finished with weekly training at my fire department (so this would be about 10:00 PM or so). We met along with a friend of hers and her friend's boyfriend (safety in numbers I guess). Well, dinner went welll... I charmed everyone with my wit and stories from being a firefighter. After our late dinner her friends apparently signed off on me because Liz decieded it was okay to ride back to her dorm with me. I gave Liz a rose I had hidden in my Jeep. Oh, for those that care, this all happened the March following my story about meeting Jessica. Well, we drove back to her dorm and she showed me around. It was actually kinda weird because it was the same dorm that another female friend of mine had stayed in a few years prior (so I already knew my way around). After the nickel tour we sat in chatted in one of the study lounges. We eventually ended up cuddling up on one of the couches and I chanced a kiss. She didn't really respond, but she also didn't seem like she didn't like it. Anyway it was getting late so Liz invited me to sleep on the floor of her dorm. I accepted and we both passed out on the floor of her dorm. The next morning Liz seemed very perky. She was dancing around and singing to music on the radio. I mistakenly took this to mean that she was really happy about meeting me and so forth. As it turns out, this is just how she is. She got ready for class and I offered to drive her to her first class (after which I would head home). We parted (I don't remember if we kissed or not) and I told her I'd talk to her later. After that, Liz and I shared several phone and e-mail conversations leading up to her spring break. Well, we went out again the night her spring break started. We had a great time and I dropped her off at a Subway where she would be meeting up with a friend and driving into Minneapolis to stay for a couple of days. Now, this is where the problems started. Liz as it turns out is a compulsive liar. She neglected to tell me, that this "friend" she was going to visit was actually another person she would be meeting from link removed. While we hadn't established any sort of exclusive relationship yet, things definitely looked like they were heading there. I dropped Liz off and she said she'd talk to me in a couple of days when she got back. Well the weekend came and went and no Liz. I waited a few days and then tried calling her and there was no answer. The behavior of their answering machine seemed to indicate that no one had been there in days (as there were a lot of messages building up). So, I left a message and went along on my way. A few more days went by and still no Liz. So I tried calling again... still no answer and again there was a long BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP (so still lot's of unchecked messages, this was a tape-based answering machine). I wasn't really sure what was going on, but figured Liz had probably gone home for the remainder of her break and just hadn't gotten around to calling me. Well, the night before her classes resumed I get a call from Liz. I was pretty happy to hear from her naturally. Well, she asks if I can come pick her up (as she doesn't have a car). I say sure and then find out that she's still in the cities. I think, okay, that's weird because I thought she was only staying the weekend. Actually you know what... now that I think about it, Liz did say she was meeting someone else from match when she left on break, but she didn't say anything about spending the week with him and she assured me that she really liked me and there would be more dates (but my assertion of her being a chronic liar stands, and you will see why). Anyway, I drive into the cities to pick Liz up and on the way back I gradually get the picture of what's going on. I'm not real happy because here I am thinking things are progressing just fine. Then I find out that she's met up with some pretty boy and is completely smitten with him. Over the next few months I do my best to be "just friends" with Liz as she bumbles around with this guy in the cities. Every once in a while I get a pleading phone call to bring her back to school. I do it really only because I get to see Liz and I'm hoping that being nice to her will show her how much I care. The guy she's seeing in the Minneapolis is a real piece of work. For the most part he is completely self-absorbed. He cares about Liz so much that he is fine with going out to pick her up... but doesn't want to be inconvenienced with bringing her home late on Sunday nights because he has to work early the next morning. Well as I said this goes on for a few months. Eventually Liz gets the picture that this guy is just too self-centered for her and breaks up with him and decides to give me a chance (or so she says). As it turns out, we are now at the end of the semester and Liz has nowhere to go. Her parents have booted her out (for no good reason according to Liz). Anyone believe that one? Well, somehow we arrive at the bright idea of letting her come live with me. Now we had maybe officially been dating a week at this point, but I figure that I'd known her for a few months so maybe it'll be okay (I'm still not clued into her web of deceit yet). Well, a month into the relationship Liz cheats on me (with a guy she supposedly went to school with). This guy, is yet another person she met through match. But for some reason she decides to cook up this story about having known him (and having already dated him in high school). She assured me at the time that they had long since put any relationship behind them and were simply friends now. Well, this guy is going to be in town one weekend and Liz asks if he can stay overnight. Well, I have some old school friends (female too) and I figure sure, what the hell. That night they end up staying up late talking and fall asleep on my living room floor. The next morning I get up to go on an EMS (medical call) around 8AM (so they're left alone in the apartment for maybe 30 to 45 minutes). I come back and find them doing the nasty on my livingroom floor. I didn't say anything, I just went into my bedroom, closed the door, and started crying. Well, apparently Liz quickly shooed him out of the appartment. As it turns out she had only told him that we were roommates... not that we were dating. Liz comes busting into my room and "attacks" me (kissing, hugging, apologizing, etc...) She says that she is going to go for a short drive with this guy to end it and then she'll be back. They're gone for several hours. After a couple of hours of thinking about what's happened I get mad and pile all of her stuff (mostly clothes actually) in the livingroom floor intent on throwing her out. Liz shows up later and seeing all her stuff in a pile asks if I want her to leave. I break down and tell her that I love her and don't want her to leave. Being the forgiving person I am, I forgive her. Things go relatively well until her birthday when my car blows up on the interstate on the way back from her parents house. Little did I know, Liz was planning on dumping me a few days after, but decides to stay with me because I'm upset about my car. We date for about another month before Liz dumps me. In that time she manages to rack up a sizeable bill on my credit card, runs up a HUGE phone bill talking to people from all over the country, crashes my Jeep (not to mention driving it drunk more than once), and nearly burns down my apartment when she leaves the heat lamp for her iguana laying on the carpeted floor of the apartment. She also convinces me to co-sign on a loan with her that she says she's going to use to go back to college (because she had quit after the semester we met). She ends up using the money shopping for clothes, buying gifts for other guys, etc... She then defaults on the loan and I end up having to repay it myself. How she went about crashing my Jeep is a story in itself. One night Liz takes my Jeep (with permission) to visit some friends at the local university where she proceeds to get trashed at a house party (she failed to mention that there would be a house party involved). Anyway, she comes home so drunk I'm wondering how the hell she made it (as she's a terrible driver to begin with). Being that I have to work in the morning I'm trying to get her to go to bed, but she's super wound-up and calls my best friend and invites him over. My best friend comes over mainly because he can tell how trashed Liz is and thinks that it'll be amusing (which for him it was). Well, with four of my best friends over Liz makes a complete * * * of herself (parading around in her underwear and so forth). She also makes so much noise that my upstairs neighbor calls the police who show up and ask everyone for ID. When Liz presents hers and they see she's underage they give her a brethalizer test which she fails miserably. They give her a citation and tell her that she has to pay it and go to alcohol assesment or she'll lose her driver's license. Well, Liz is so upset about all of this she ends up keeping me up all night whining and crying. Now, I have to be at work by 7AM (I work at a local credit union part time as a night/weekend computer operator). On the weekends (which this was) I work alone, and around noon I have to do a courier run where I go to the various branch offices and pick up receipts and checks. Well, I call Liz and tell her that since she's been able to sleep for the past 5 hours she's going to come drive me around to each of the branch offices because I'm so tired I'm not sure it's safe for me to drive. Well she does and on our trip to the first branch office we are approaching a stop sign. It's raining so the roads are slippery. Liz is coming up on this stop sign so fast that I wake up (I'm semi-dozing in the passenger seat) and tell her to slow down. Liz, being the idiotic driver she is, immediately SLAMS on the brakes and locks all four wheels up. Well, then she starts turning the steering wheel (again for some unknown reason). At the time I think she's compensating for a skid... turns out she was just being dumb. Well, as the Jeep slows down and the front tires finally regain traction she has the wheel turned sufficiently that we swerve into the far right lane and get sideswiped by a semi. So now I have $4000 damage to my Jeep and who knows how much damage to the semi and Liz finally comes out and says she doesn't have insurance. Up until then she said she was covered under her parents car. Finally fed up with all the lies I lay into Liz and she ends up breaking up with me a few days later... leaving me for someone she had been talking to in secret on link removed over the past week or so. So, I give her a week or two to get her stuff, and get out. Oh, one other story about her (this one too definitely bears repeating). My best friend was having a going-away party at a bar one night while Liz and I were either dating or in some sort of post-breakup-might-get-back-together period. I wasn't able to go because I was working. Well, unknown to me, on previous occasions when my buddies were out at the bar they had the waitresses call my apartment and ask for me. When Liz answered they asked about me and said they'd met me wherever and thought I was really nice and so forth. They weren't being flirty or slutty, just trying to be friendly. Anyway, Liz never gave me the messages... ever. Well the night of the going away party the cousin of one of my friends calls up and pretends that they know Liz (that they met at a party or something like that). They convince Liz to come meet them at the bar. Liz is underage remember, but she has a fake ID. According to my best friend, Liz shows up dressed for sex. She's wearing some skimpy outfit and HAS HER BRA STUFFED! She walks into the bar see's my friend and realizes she's busted. Trying to do me a favor he tries to talk some sense into Liz. Liz starts going on about me being lame or something like that which pisses off one of my other friends who promptly tells her "shut up you * * * *ing * * * *!" Have you ever seen on TV or in the movies when someone says something in a loud bar and all of the sudden everyone stops talking and looks. Well, that is exactly what happened to Liz. My best friend said that was the best going away present my other friends could have ever given him. The only thing that I really have to thank her about is that I ended up dating her best friend Bobbi for several months after that and actually Bobbi treated me a million times better than Liz ever did. I ended up calling it off with Bobbi because I saw that we really weren't suited for each other. Anyway that's the Liz story (or most of it anyway).

lol, ngeez... Okay, I'll start working on it.

I guess I should probably add a little caveat here. I did eventually meet my wife through link removed so it can work. Also, the online-dating pool back then when this incident occurred was very small. There was a huge stigma about online dating back then. Basically those that did it were often seen as despirate or otherwise undesireable. There did seem to be a disproportionate number of women (from my perspective) that had some very serious "issues". There weren't very many people that posted photos and the ones that did and were attractive got pounced on like celebrities. Alot has changed over the past 10 years as far as online dating goes. For the most part the stigma has gone away and it's become much more accepted. I see a lot of very busy professionals using the sites. So I don't want everyone to think it's all bad. There are pluses. For one it's nice to be able to sort through and find someone that you might actually have something in common with. For me, it was really hard to find available women that are into cars (which was one of the things that my wife and I both share an interest in) or many of my other interests. For those that are shy (again like me) it is a little easier to at least get an initial e-mail conversation going than it is in person. Then when you actually meet, chances are you'll have plenty to talk about. There are downsides though, I have seen plenty of them in person. Yes, some people flat out lie about themselves (though I have only had this happen once). A woman describing herself as successful, athletic, and beautiful (as well as having supposedly several shared interests) invited me after a few e-mails to a cookout (she claimed to be a stellar cook as well) at her apartment with her best friend and her link removed date. She only had WebTV for an internet connection so she really had no easy way to submit a photo. Well, the first warning flag went up when I found myself driving into one of the local ghettos to find her apartment. When I got there I found that she had been VERY liberal with the term "athletic" as she used to describe her overall body-type and build. The same went for the beautiful part. Granted beauty is in the eye of the beholder... but I've seen beauty and this was far from it. I was also in for one of the worst meals of my life... she made some sort of strange ground/shredded chicken patty which tasted more like salmon than chicken. Anyway, I politely stuck around as long as I could and e-mailed her the next day and told her that I wasn't interested. That was the only time that sort of thing happened to me though in 10 years of online dating. For those that think I'm an absolute superficial pig... the conversation wasn't all that encouraging either... our personalities never would have meshed anyway. As has already been stated people tend to put their best face forward and yes they certainly do, and you have to make allowances for that and keep in mind that everyone has a dark side. So yes, the online dating world has improved... but it still may not be for the squeamish and it's not a miracle worker either. I don't care how many dimensions of compatibility places like eHarmony claim... you really won't know until you meet the person and actively interact with them. For that matter, personally I think eHarmony sucked. Their personality survey was really not very accurate and the people their system matched we with really weren't "my type". Worse still, you get VERY few matches and if you don't really match up with them... you're kinda stuck. As long as I'm on the subject, let's see, I've tried link removed, eHarmony, AmericanSingles, FriendFinder, LavaLife (which I think used to be FriendFinder), Yahoo Personals, link removed, Tickle, and I think... that's it. Out of all of those link removed was by far the best. Yahoo Personals seemed to have the largest user base, but because of the way they run their service there is a huge number of fake profiles. You will find few on link removed but no where near as many as Yahoo. By fake profiles I mean someone farming e-mail addresses for marketing purposes, people trying to run scams (like the infamous Nigerian Money Scam), and people in Russia looking to move to the USA. I emailed more than one person from Illinois only to find out they were actually in Russia. AmericanSingles and FriendFinder were alright too (and I actually met a couple of people off of each) but their user bases are rather limited. The rest were just plain awful... so don't waste your time. In the 10 years I did online dating (off and on) I had some really crappy experiences, but I also met a few very nice women and had some really great dates. So make your own judgement whether it's for you or not, but just make sure you know what you're getting into first. By the way, the Jessica story by far wasn't the worst experience I had. It was probably number 3, the story about the girl I mentioned in this post was probably number 2. The number one mess was with a gal named Liz (a story I may share some other time, but it would require its own thread). If anyone wants to hear about that one I'd be more than happy to tell it.

Well, that's better than nothing I suppose. Whatever the result shee needs to really sort her life out or it wouldn't do you any good anyway. Good to hear you are functioning well day to day. It will gradually get better with time. I'd say be patient... but I know first hand how hard that is.

From the sounds of it she is not a very nice person at all and in the long run you'll be better off without her. Sometimes you can do everything right and still get dumped which is one more thing that points to her guilt. Besides... who knows, like you said, maybe you were just brought down there to meet someone else.

You are a good person. There, I said it... she doesn't need to. Anyway, I wouldn't worry... she may well get hers yet. Who knows, this guy may make her change her whole life around and then may dump her. I hate to see people make college decisions based on relationships because I have seen so few (actually I don't think I can think of one) relationships survive the transition from high school to college. Continue to make friends and see how things go. Maybe there's someone in one of your classes right now who's caught your eye? The way my friend's situation went is she met this guy not too terribly long after she and I broke up (yes we were formerly bf/gf but that's a different story). Anyway, he was a little older than she was and ended up getting a job in the Chicago area. Well, she transferred schools to be with him, leaving all of her friends, family, job, etc... behind. Well, a year later he dumps her. She's still down there though and has since dated other people, she doesn't like the area though and would much rather be back home but doesn't want to set herself back school-wise.

Yes indeed... and of course "if it's meant to be, it will be." You can also make your own destiny but you can also only do what you can do. You could always try praying too. Has worked for me before.

Yes it is hard to get over someone and leave the door open... just make sure you know when to let go. If you didn't read my thread in Breaking up about Marissa, you might want to skim through it. Just in case she does come back I'd hate to see you end up in an on/off relationship like I was in.

You are under a lot of understandable stress because of your father's condition. You will need to make a conscious effort not to take things out on her. She will want to help and be there for you, but if you shut her out and continually blow up at her for the small stuff... she will begin to resent you for it.

How will transferring affect your credits and so forth? Going back may be less expensive... unless you have to go for a 5th year at your home school. Are you hitting the deadlines for when you need to get stuff rolling to transfer or do you have some time yet? Basically I think if you give yourself some time I think things will probably be better by the end of spring semester. I was afraid you'd just started school this year or last... and then she dumped you.

Ick... I don't know quite what to tell you. That would be rough going, if not impossible for four years. I'm not saying the two of you couldn't do it, but like I said earlier, both of you have to be able to handle it. I don't have any miracle cures for your situation... at least in the near term something would have to give... you'd have to give up those goals and move back for anything in the near term to work. Other than that, I guess just make the apologies like everyone has been saying and take it one day at a time... keep the lines of communication open and visit when you can. Not really much else you can do I suppose.

You'll have these moments and yes, you may come crashing back down, it's a part of healing. Then again, maybe you won't... maybe you have come to a turning point. And you are right about all the things you said. Getting your respect and confidence back is an important step. Just hang in there and there will be others. Someone new will assuredly knock your socks off and you'll wonder what all the fuss was over this one.

Ouch! I have had this happen to a really good friend of mine and it sucks. First off how much school do you have left? I guess what it comes down to is if you think that this situation is going to create a major distraction for you and hurt your school work... it might be a good idea to transfer back. On the other hand, who knows, you may make it to the end of this semester and things might be going better. You may meet new friends (even a new girlfriend). There's a lot of stuff in play here... transferrability of credits, cost, quality of the schools, etc... you're going to have to weigh all of that in order to make your decision.

Well it is definitely normal. Whether it wears off quick or not depends on how you handle this. If you can try to focus on the other things in your life that are going well and realize that things (relationship-wise) will happen in their own time... then this will wear off a lot faster. If you dwell on it... start dredging up those old feelings, then it's going to stick around much longer.

Well, first of all you need to understand that there's always a certain mystique to things we can't have or elusive relationships. Sometimes it's impossible to distinguish that sensation from love or attraction. Like the old saying goes "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." The best thing to do is to back off the contact with your ex as much as you can and just give it time. I had a similar experience that actually got triggered by a dream I had. It haunted me for a while but eventually passed and went on with my relationship and things went back to being just as wonderful as ever. Take a look at your current relationship... how is it going? If it's going well (don't count any hiccups that may have been caused by your sudden feelings for your ex). If it's been going badly, then I can understand your sudden interest in your ex. Your decision to leave your current relationship should be based on the merits of that relationship alone, and not on your ex. Otherwise you could leave a perfectly good relationship for one that might be doomed from the start. If you absolutely can't leave things alone... then you need to come out and ask your ex about how she feels about you. You don't need to tell her you love her necessarily, but if she presses you could say that you have been having thoughts and feelings about her. BE WARNED... going down this path could bring about the end of your current relationship because it will drum up old feelings and so forth. My first and foremost advice is to just give this some time and see if the feelings pass.

Wow, funny coincidence there. Alright, well, then what you need to do is find some way of contacting him phone, e-mail, snail-mail letter, whatever... and make your apology. Whether he will accept it or not and resume contact is of course out of your hands. Now, that still doesn't fix the larger problem about what the two of you can do about the long distance thing. I have been in more long-distance relationships than I have local relationships so I have some experience with them. The unfortunate fact about LD relationships is that both people have to be able to deal with it. No matter how good you are at dealing with the distance, if the other person can't... it's not going to work. It's not that LDR's don't work... it's more that permament LDRs don't work. I understand he's a commercial diver (I work for a local fire department and my diving is pretty much confined that that geographic area) and I know a little about that field (looked into doing it myself at one point). Can you tell me more about how his schedule works? I mean is he gone for three months and then back for a month... or does he just go from job to job to job to job? And is his "home" where you are when he's not off on a job or is that elsewhere?

Leaving bruises and pushing is physical abuse (not coming close to)... actually he has assaulted you and you could press charges against him for that. You could talk to your landlord and see if you could get him evicted, or maybe see if your landlord will let you out of your lease because of the situation (some landlords are more understanding than others). If "L" goes in and does start a fight, both of them are going to end up in jail so I would see if the two of you could go somewhere else. Yes, I know it's your apartment too, but in the interest of keeping "L" out of jail for now I would try to at least get out of your apartment for the time being. Is "T" officially on your lease?

I think you need to get away from this guy as soon as possible. What he is doing is EXTREMELY unhealthy for you. He is playing some serious mind games with you and you need to leave him alone. If he continues to try to contact you, follow you, etc... you need to tell him to leave you alone so you can heal and move on. My guess is he is trying to keep you around as a safety net. You don't tell someone you don't love them anymore and then say "but if you're with someone else it's DEFINITELY over." That's just plain screwed up.

I agree with Chai, if you had told me that, I would've deleted your number and never called you again. I guess if you want to fix this, call him and tell him that you didn't want never to talk again, explain how you really feel and go from there. You could e-mail him too, but sounds like you did that already. If it's been 3 months there's a chance he may have moved on... I honestly hope he would have in that amount of time and I'm not sure why you haven't.

Okay, I don't really understand. You don't want him to contact you, but want to be friends, don't want to lose him... but tell him to delete your number and not call and you wonder why he doesn't? I guess I'm having trouble understanding the dynamic of your relationship (who broke up with who and who wants who back).

I would say "no" you haven't burned any bridges with something like that. If you had gone off on a tirade about her in myspace or something like that then yes... but that's really not the point. The thing is that you need to ask yourself if you really want her back, especially if she's treating you like this. Try not to sabotage your healing process by worrying about whether you're pissing her off or not. If you start looking for "signs" as to whether you're going to get her back or not you're setting yourself up for a world of hurt... trust me I've been there. Don't worry about being friends with her initially, if anything is going to happen it's not going to be a while if she's going all googly over this new guy. It's alright to stay in touch... but let her go for a while and let yourself heal.

Buckley, A lot of people talk about meeting "the one," their soulmate, etc... Well, in my experience and humble opinion. There can be more than one person who can qualify as "the one." for you. However, the first thing you need to realize is that whether that happens or not, depends on your outlook on life. If you convince yourself that there is only one perfect person for you (and that this guy you speak of was him) then you are sabotaging the rest of your life. On the other hand, if you allow yourself to believe that there are more than one perfect person for you... then that is just what you will find. In the 16 or so years I spent in the dating world before meeting my current wife I have encountered only a few women who I can honestly say that could have qualified as "the one". Actually, I would say three, maybe four. One is my wife. The second is my ex-girlfriend Marissa (and I wrote a thread in "Breaking up" about her). The third is my friend Laura who I've been friends with for 12 years now. With Laura basically what happened is initially I was afraid to push for a relationship, then it became more a problem of timing. She would be in a relationship when I was out of one or vice-versa. Then when we were finally both single, she was working so much and so busy with her daughter that it was impossible to get something going. Even though when I flat out asked her about us having a future, she was very receptive and wanted to try something. Will I still occasionally wonder "what-if things between her and I had gone differently?" Of course I will, but I also know that she wasn't the only one for me and I don't let that get in the way of my relationship with my wife. Now, obviously I have had relationships with and have met more than the three women I mentioned. With some of these many women at the time I thought that they might be "the one". In fact with several I was absolutely convinced that they were and I wouldn't get over them and would feel exactly what you are describing. The thing is though is that I did eventually get over them. Sometimes that was because someone new came along, other times it was because I realized that they really weren't right for me after all. So I guess the bottom line is that if you allow yourself to first of all believe that there can be more than one perfect person for you... then there can be, but you have to be open to it. If you're worried that the man you are with isn't "the one" ask yourself why that is? Is there something wrong in the relationship? Does he lack a certain aspect that you require? It would be crap to just be in a relationship with someone because that's just the way it happened. But chances are, that isn't what happened with your current BF is it? Chances are there was something about him that made you fall in love with him right? Don't forget about that... sometimes love is subtle. Also remember that there's often a certain mystique to something we can't have or relationships that elude us. Don't mistake that sensation as missing out on "the one."