LiquidCherry

Why would you beg for crumbs? You can't compromise on his decision to break up with you. You'll only come accross as desperate if you even suggest this and if by some chance he did agree it'd most likely only because you were making him feel guilty. Please don't do this. I think your ex was being honest when he told you that he doesn't feel for you like he's been capable of feeling for others in the past. I know it's painful to hear and it's difficult to process that someone doesn't feel the same towards you as you do for them but you have to accept what he's said. You're right, love is a cycle: it has it's ups and down, ebbs and flows... But he's told you he doesn't feel for you as much as he is capable of feeling and this means he is very much not the right person for you. You deserve to be with someone who is very much in love with you and feels more strongly towards you than they have any other. I don't think you need to contact him in any way about his birthday. My boyfriend broke up with me a day before his birthday and about a week before his party. I never called to wish him a happy birthday. The way I saw it, if it was really imprtant for him to have me around for this day, and no less at all, he wouldn't have ended things. But that's me. If you really feel you would like to wish him a happy birthday write him an e-mail and simply say, "Just wanting to wish you a happy birthday. Have a good one."

minnie- You're comment reminded me of something I read that I find to be very true. When someone leaves you it's very painful and not just because of the present moment without them. When you love someone you think towards the future, you think of the things you will do together and the things you will share. You may even think of sharing your life.. But when it ends you don't just miss them in the here and now, you miss them in your future and your hopes and dreams. Sometimes it is most difficult to get over what you wanted rather than what you had because it is what we wanted that keeps us in the past.

I've fallen in love twice in my lifetime and once I love someone I love them. I've never broken up with someone because I've fallen out of love. To me while love may have it's highs and lows it's also a constant. I have broken up with people because I didn't love them. For whatever reason I couldn't. In fact, this has been my reasoning twice with relationships that both lasted over a year. I loved them in a caring sort of way I suppose but was never "in love". I don't know why these feelings never developed and there really was nothing that they could've done differently. One of them in particular would have been an amazing catch and I suppose he is as he is now very happy with someone who desires him in the way he deserves. My current boyfriend broke up with me for a little over a month. He was confused and unsure of his feelings, if they were strong enough, etc.. But our situation was far different than anyone else's on this board so I'm not sure if he is the best example to use. Regardless, he came back. The time apart enabled him to evaluate his feelings and what he wanted from a relationship, from life.. So I suppose it is possible for someone to come back realizing how much they loved you but.. If you love someone how do you not know it? I read your other thread and I know how much it hurts to hear that someone doesn't feel the way towards you that you would like and I'm so you had to hear that, it's very painful. It is much better to be with someone who loves you while being with you so hold out your hope for that.

You can't have NC if you have a child in common. No matter what you will always have contact with this woman, at the very least until your son is 18 and even then there's graduation, a wedding, life, etc.. She is right, that is it in the best interest to remain friends for the benefit of your son. How nice it will be for him at his first school play to see both his parents right there front and center. I would distance yourself from her emotionally and maybe even physically for awhile. There is no reason why you can't call her up and arrange a time to pick up your son. Perhaps once you've healed you can do some family sort of things together but always remain cordial and respectful with her..

I've learned somethings through similar experiences. If a man tells you they are not ready for a relationship believe their words, they are not ready for a relationship and you will not get one from him. When you have feelings for someone it is very hard not to show it and you're only "mistake" was being ready for what he was not. I do not think you should try to contact him. He probably felt a certain level of emotional involvement (from either end, it doesn't matter) that he doesn't want to deal with at this point in his life and so he is pulling away. Trying to contact him will only make him pull harder.

When my boyfriend was breaking up with me he told me that he still wanted to hang out with me, that my friendship meant the world to him. I told him that I couldn't be his friend and that I wasn't going to torture myself by being so. I never told him that I wasn't going to contact him but I made it clear that I wasn't going to settle for less than what I wanted. I did tell him that maybe someday I could be his friend but I honestly didn't know as to that being possible or not. I think in some rare circumstances it may be the right thing to tell your ex that you need no contact but in most cases I think it is better to simply act.. Er, rather,not act I suppose.

I have the impression from reading your post that you are young but no matter, just be sure that you are ready to have sex before you do so. 1- I've dated several men that have had less experience than I. Two of these had none and it never bothered me in the least. In fact, I was honored. Knowing you are or are going to be someone's first is a pretty special bit of knowledge. If she doesn't treasure that I'd hold out for someone that would. Don't let he level of experience make you feel inadequete because in truth the first time you have sexual relations with anyone new it's a learning experience. Everybody (or every body) is different so just have fun. 2-You can't determine how special you are to someone by your number. (You know, are you the 3rd or the 30th..) How special you are to someone can only be determined by how they feel about you and this could be either more or less than the people they knew before you. But honestly, if you are less important they probably wouldn't really want an actual relationship with you anyway. 3-If poetry is your specialty write her a poem! It won't matter to her that you are not the first person to write her one, what will matter to her is that it came from your heart.

If by chance he does call and you pick up the phone don't bother asking him what he wants. If he wants you he'll tell you, no need for questions. Answering the phone may set you back, in fact, it probably will. This guy has made it even harder for you to move on and so you can't let him do that any longer.

I myself, I wouldn't reply. To me it sounds like he's saying a lot of things that will keep you in a sad place. He still hasn't said, "Hey, lets talk," or, "I made a mistake," or, "I want you back." Don't ever accept less than what you want.

I'd go very slow and let her lead. If the two of you are going to talk about the possibility of a relationship I'd let her bring it up. Also, you are now awarded the perfect oppertunity to win her trust back.

It is NOT wrong to be with someone you don't love (at first anyway). Love takes time to grow and a month usually isn't long enough. But a month often IS long enough to know if you don't want to be with someone so as you know you are making the right decision. I WOULDN'T tell her that you don't care about her or that you're not attracted to her. To me that just sounds cruel and there's no reason to take a shot at someone's ego just because you don't want to date them any longer. I also wouldn't tell her that you're just not ready for a relationship yet. As true as it may be it is very confusing to hear from someone you were in a relationship with. I suggest that you tell her that you simply don't see anything long term developing between the two of you and that you don't have the compatability or connection that you desire.

Your NC isn't coming out of the blue! You've been telling him repeatedly that you need NC. What is unexpected of you is that you followed through. I truly hope that you are not interroggated as he has no right to do such a thing. He let you go and so he must let you go. There will come a point in time where you will start to wonder if you want him back or if you just want the IDEA of him back. Once you have had the chance to truly evaluate your relationship you may even find that you don't want him back at all. Healing can be painful but it is the only thing that will help you feel better. Remain strong, brighter days are ahead even in these cold winter months.

It would mean giving in and you DON'T want to do that, you don't want to reply. You want to be STRONG.

You don't know why? Come on now. You tortured yourself. You got to pretend for just awhile that you had everything you wanted, that you weren't hurting and heartbroken but when faced with reality... I did the same thing to myself only I didn't cry quietly in a changingroom by myself, I made a complete fool out of myself. You'll end up doing that too if you remain at his beck and call. You want to be with him. There are only two possible outcomes.. You will either end up getting what you want or you will move on and stop wanting. In the meantime you are not being fulfilled so why should he get what he wants? Why should he get to break up with you and still have you around only as he wants you when ever he wants? If he can't give you what you want all the contact he has with you is going to leave you aching. When it comes to love and matters of the heart a label can mean everything. I'm sure your outing would have left you feeling wonderful if he had called you his girlfriend. Don't accept less and don't sell yourself short. Don't have contact with him or anyone for that matter that will leave you hurting. If he's going to come back it is NOT going to be because you waited around and remained eager and responsive. Being like this is just keeping you in a sad place anyway. Not having this unfulfilling contact with him won't cause you to feel any worse than you already do. In fact, it will help you feel better.

You can't be friends with someone if your heart is still aching over them. Well, you could but it wouldn't be good for you. You would be left wanting more, hoping, and waiting and all those things can be very painful. If you take this time and heal you will be able to have a healthy friendship with him some time in the future. I broke up with someone and broke his heart.. I wanted very much to be friends with him but he couldn't as he hurt too much and so we had NC for over 6 months. Once he moved on, found someone else, etc. he contacted me and we've been friends ever since; for almost 7 years now and I treasure his friendship more than any other. In truth you haven't taken 10 steps backwards. I'm very sorry you had to hear what you did yesterday but he did make it clear that the hope you were holding onto was false. Letting go of that hope then is progress even if it is painful. I know it probably won't be any consolation right now because there aren't any words to mend a broken heart but.. I've had my heart broken a few times in my life and every time is painful. BUT.. The love I find after heartbreak is ALWAYS better. I think it just keeps getting better every time until you find the love that's right, the kind that lasts and lasts.

If he is truly being honest, that he was doing that he thought was right and didn't know any better, then it sounds like the same situation is happening to you that was happening to me.. He just doesn't feel the same way about you as you do him and so he can't see how hurtful and confusing his words are. Though I find it almost impossible he had no idea as well because you have told him before but sometimes people are really thick headed. I think it may be best to not speak with him either. Think about it. Rather than simply do as you requested and stop giving you mixed signals if you two are to remain in contact he would rather have NC. If he can't have you in his life the way he wants you to be (waiting and grabbing for his meager signs of affection)... Or perhaps he is doing a good thing. Maybe after you conversation he realized what he was doing and is trying to make ammends, by giving you the time you need to heal. You need this time, especially if you want to maintain a friendship with him in the future. I know that in time you will but I hope you feel better soon.

He will be the second person to hear those words. It will let him know that you will be in his life only one way or another, as a girlfriend or as a friend, and you will not put up with him tugging on your heart strings and his confusion. Let me know how it ends up working out and I hope he respects your feelings and wishes.

Thank you very much for the advice. I would in fact never ask him to never speak to her again. I myself am friends with an ex and it is a friendship I value greatly. I still wish he would at least wait until he had healed completely but their contact is very limited so I've never actually felt threatened by it. I just get the impression that it does set him back a little bit every time but I knew his feelings going into our relationship as much as I know them now. I won't ask of him to do this, thank you again. I was with someone who I did end up loving while I was still had feelings for my highschool sweetheart. It was long ago, love matures with age and I simply can't remember if having feelings for my ex took away from the feelings I had for my boyfriend at that time. It just feels different knowing that it is your SO that aches over someone else instead of it being myself. I preferred it the other way around. It's not like he cries over her or thinks about her constantly, he moved past that before we started dating, but is this a common problem in relationships? Is it just that the heart heals in its' own time and is at the same time big enough for this to not truly be an important issue? I know I can't do anything to help him move on and I know it is something he wants to do but how long is this acceptable for? Is it normal to still have feelings for someone and hold onto that? (I mean hold on to them long term, like for years or even a lifetime) I just feel.. I suppose hurt and not good enough. We were together for the better part of a year, broke up, got back together.. And he still has some feelings for her. I feel at a certain point if I do not have his whole heart there will come a time where I will have to walk away.

Late last year I ran into an old aquaintance of mine and it turned out we had something in common.. We were both going through a divorce. We decided to get together and hang out because we are both young and so no one our age really understood what we were going through. It turned out we had a lot more in common and we soon started dating and fell in love. My divorce was finalized within a few months but my boyfriend was just starting his as he and his wife just finished their year of separation. (In New York there has to be a reason other than just not getting along) It turned out even though they were living separate they weren't legally separated so they couldn't even start the paperwork. (They are legally separated now but can't begin the divorce process until May.) Anyway, that's the background information. We dated for 10 months before he broke up with me, at which point I found this site, and after a month and a half separation he wanted to get back together which is where we are now. He's still not completely over his (ex) wife. I've known this for a long time and to an extent it's something I accepted.. About a week after we got back together we discussed this in greater detail then we ever have before but it was still difficult because he has a hard time communicaiting. Some things that were said: That he doesn't know how long it will take him to fully get over her. That I want his whole heart, not just a part of it. That him still caring for her doesn't make me cared for any less. That he loves me and will try to get over her the best he can. In a way I am glad he was honest with me, he could have easiley lied and I would have known anyway because it's just something you can feel. I just don't know what to do. Like I told him, I want his whole heart. I also understand though because it took me three years to totally get over my highschool sweetheart and I was still capable of loving even though a small part of me remained hurt and cared for him. He remains in contact with her though it is minimal. Every few months they will exchange an email or something like that. I want to ask of him to not have any sort of contact with her, at least not until he is completely over her. Would this be an unfair request? How do I bring it up? It is a touchy subject and makes both of us very uncomfortable. They were together for over 6 years which is a long time for anyone. Could it be he just needs more time? Do some people continue to carry a torch throughout their lives? If so, are these people capable of loving someone just as much if they did not? I really don't know what to do. I know I could always leave and find someone who wasn't hung up on their ex but we have so many things in common and enjoy each other so much.. Please help. Any advice would be wonderful. *edit*--I was also thinking that perhaps he would be able to fully let go once their divorce is actually finalized. I imagine it might be hard to let go knowing that there is still a legal piece of paper stating that you are still together. Is this also a possibility or simply wishful thinking?

I'd have to say that I agree with polaris 1000%: guilty and confused and more guilty than confused at that. Obviously he still cares for you but I think that is the case in most situations, that the dumper still does care for the dumpee, but obviously his thoughts and feelings were clear enough so that he could make a decision. He is not confused about wether or not he wants to be with you but he may be confused about the feelings he still does have for you. Again polaris is right. He told you in that email that he loves knowing you are happy. He knows he hurt you by ending the relationship and he probably really does think that by letting you know he still cares he is making you feel better and less rejected. But because he is not hurting in the same way you are he just can't seem to understand how he is in fact making this more painful for you in the long run. You don't need to ask him if it is alright to enter a period of NC. If NC is what you need to heal and stop hurting who cares if he is happy about it or not? NC is not a threat or an ultimatum it is a tool for you to use. But there is an ultimatum you can give him that is fair in every way if you are still unsure about NC. (which I think you are) You can tell him to stop, that he must stop, and that you will not accept these words and gestures from someone who does not care enough about you to actually be with you.

I think those are really good reasons to take a break. I wish I had been smart enough to do something like that when I was younger. So many times I lost myself because because I revolved my whole social life around the guy I was seeing. Big mistake. I agree with Lion-Guy, that there should be some ground rules so that your break is something that you are both comfortable with. Take your time apart and look forward to that party!

I disagree. I have broken up with someone I really loved and cared for but I DIDN'T want to be with them. I believe that if someone really wants to be with you, if there heart is really set on it, they will be with you and wouldn't leave you for the world. There are so many reasons why relationships fail that have nothing to do with love. No one here knows if a couple will reunite or not so I would never say never. As an optimistic pessimist I like to say, "Expect the worst, hope for the best," EXCEPT when it comes to matters of the heart. Unrequitted love is painful and often the most effective way to start feeling better as soon as possible is to expect nothing. I disagree to an extent. I don't believe in soul mates, one true love, yata yata but I do believe that a lasting relationship is possible even after a break up so long as both people are determined to make it last though I wouldn't call a break up a true test. The true test to me is time. I did somehow manage to reconcile with my ex but it wasn't because of anything I did, it was because of my ex. My break up taught me two painful lessons: That there isn't anything you can do to bring someone back and loving someone doesn't make them love you. I hate this one too! A good relationship does require work but I've had this said to me a few times and always by someone who was breaking my heart. What they should really say is, "I no longer want to work at making this relationship good because what I really want is out." Moving on is necessary advice, even if it's not what we want to hear but it's okay to grieve. Like you said, moving on is a process. It's true in the sense that you certainly are better off without someone who doesn't really want to be with you. It won't make you laugh but it's kind of like spinich.. I sure don't like it but it's good for me. They should say, "It's not me, it's you." Another one that just means they want out. My all time favorites? (bold) Him: We need to talk. Me: ... Him: I'm not ready for a relationship right now. Me: *bawling* Him: I'm sorry. I'm not ready. Me: *still bawling* How can you say this now when it's been almost a year?

First, why are you and your boyfriend on a break? Are you doing anything to resolve the reason(s) for your separation while you actually are apart? And I don't understand why the two of you would need to break up if you have actual plans of getting back together. Regardless, I think it would be fine to have a week of NC and then go to the party. He already said he would go and you have tickets.

I would try my best to remain detached and here's why: If you are responsive you are also enabling him to string you along further. You don't have to pick up the scraps of affection he's throwing your way, you'll never be satisfied. Remain detached and you're showing him that you will not accept less than what you want from anyone, even him. Most of our contact while we split was through email and also an online game we both play (City of Heroes!) so yes, during those days of NC it was truly NC rather than LC. I only contacted him twice so it was actually him that installed NC for that period of time. He took those days because he started to miss me and wanted to be sure that getting back together was the right thing to do. I let him know I was angry for the way he was acting while we were still split up and while we were discussing getting back together. While we were split I told him that we weren't together anymore so he didn't have a right to say those kinds of things to me. I would tell him to stop and he would for a period of time and then I would tell him to stop again. For some reason he thought I was just in a bad mood and couldn't imagine that it had anything to do with him. But like I said, he just didn't have the same feelings I did so to him it was nothing. There isn't anything you can do to get your ex back so you might as well look out for yourself and do what's best for you. If he is going to come back he will and you won't be the one putting your heart on the line. Responding to him won't make him come back just as remaining detached won't keep him from coming back. He's not looking out for you right now so you've got to do that yourself. With all the heartbreak I've experienced in my life I've learned that hoping is often the most painful part of a break up. It keeps one from letting go and moving on. It keeps you in the very same place you were when they left you. Your brain thinks your heart will feel better if you just only get back together. Not being together hurts so much it is only a logical conclusion and thus we start to hope for the pain to go away by hoping our partner will return. This isn't the only way to feel better or mend a broken heart and so you simply cannot hold out for their return because you may in fact be hoping for the hopeless. I don't want to discourage you because anything is possible and I don't have all the answers but I think it is important to do what is best for you. I have my opinions but only you know what you truly need.

Interesting. Not in a bad way, I just think it's interesting. I am more inclined to keep an actual gift than I am a letter or a card. In fact, the only letters I have now are from my bf. I would never throw away a perfectly good outfit! For me anyway I would have far more emotion attached to a letter than an object and so those are the things I discard at the end of a relationship so that I can move forward emotionally. I still find it odd that this girl won't put these items away knowing how upesetting it is to you.