LiquidCherry

How did you respond when she told you that there is "no way ever"? How did you respond when she told you that she heard from someone else that you were still hurting? I think your reaction *could* make a difference in some small way though I'm not really too sure what way that is. (Sorry, not very helpful I know, but I think it would be best if you had acted somewhat aloof and non caring when she told you this. And maybe possibly surprized that she heard something like that..) I haven't managed NC with my ex and I'm not really sure that I want to either. I don't contact him though and I let him lead.. He does show signs of us getting back together too. Either that or he is stringing me along. If you want to get over her though I think you should go with NC, it's the fastest way to heal, although I'm pretty sure you won't get over her "right this second". You're not being stupid at all. From what you posted it sounds like you're doing everything right (if there even is a right). But bottom line, you need to do what is best for you right now and only you can decide if that is NC or not. If you can handle being friends knowing the possibility that it may never lead to a second chance and still want to be friends.. Go for it. Otherwise..

I actually just e-mailed and ex I had broken up with about three years ago. We too had tried to be friends but it didn't work out. The e-mail I wrote to him was very similar in nature. I didn't write it because I am interested in getting back with him but I did write it because he popped into my head and I was wondering how he was doing. Though if he had wanted to call and talk or become friends I would have been open to it.. But like you said, this girl is shy or maybe she's afraid that you misinterpreted what she wrote.

Thanks for the advice guys. And no problem Kellbell, I could have been more clear. To his rather "forward" email I finally decided on a reply. This is what I said. I don't really know what you mean about how us having sex would be encouragement.. Encouragement for what? And neither one of us needs a reminder of how good it was, we both know. I'm flattered that you still think about me in this way but a friend with benefits just isn't the way I want for you to be in my life. Before we even got together I mand a promise to myself that I would never again sleep with someone who did not care enough about me to actually be with me. I have no intentions of going back on that, with anyone, not even you. I figure that when I said, "a friend with benefits just isn't the way I want for you to be in my life," it could be taken as I either want to be with him or to be friends with him, *just* friends. I guess that's his call really. I know I won't settle for being a booty call though, that's for sure. THAT isn't what I want at all. Having nothing to do with him would be better than being used, cheapened and not respected.

Hi Kellbell, Thanks for the advice only I think You misunderstood me. I have NOT slept with him since we broke up. I learned a long time ago not to sleep with anyone who doesn't care enough about me to date with me. I don't want to get back together with him just for sexual reasons either. And I don't understand what he meant by "(it would be) encouragement" either. Encouragement for what? Getting back together with me? Even though I've stopped all conversations about wanting him back and such I'm still pretty sure that he knows that I do. I don't know what to say to him about this. I know I won't sleep with him because I want more than that. I'm not going to confuse myself further. Any advice on how to swing things in my favor, so he might possibly consider more than just sex from me?

I want to get back with my ex very much. We broke up a few days more than a month ago. We are speaking occasionally. Mostly through e-mails and an online game. He has come over a few times to watch Survivor and this week he even let me borrow (yes borrow) his car for two days while mine was being worked on. He's been getting.. sexual in a manner of speaking. He wrote me two e-mails about how my looks were distracting. He suggested "alternate" payment for letting me borrow his car. (which I did NOT do) He spent about 15-20 minutes online talking to me about sex.. He just wrote me an email, a rather forward e-mail about wanting to sleep with me for "encouragement and reminders". I don't know how to reply to that so I thought I'd ask for some advice first. I don't want to be a friend with benefits. I want a relationship. I don't really know how to handle this, especially because I do want him back. What should I do? What should I say to make my point clear without scaring him off? ARGH!

Hey Echo and OCD, Gut feelings.. I hate mine. I have this gut feeling that my ex and I will get back together. It just doesn't feel "over" to me even though it is. Somehow it just doesn't sit right with me which is why I feel we will be together again someday. I've never had this feeling before and it kind of makes things even more difficult. A part of me thinks I'm holding on to a false hope and I don't want to do that. It's confusing and I don't know how to tell if it's real or not. Do you guys know?

I posted here about two weeks ago, hurt beyone all hell. My ex toyed with me, telling me there was a chance we could get back together and I held on desperately. We even had a date set up where we would talk about how to make things work. Finally yesterday he told me the truth. It's weird, I still hurt but not having that hope anymore makes me feel like I can move on and really can fill the space he left in my life with things for me, things that make me happy. I sent him an e-mail that I would like to share here. It was something I did for me and it just makes me feel better in a sad but I know I'll be happier kind of way. J, thank you for finally being honest with me today. I'm saying that seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. It hurts to hear that someone does not want to be with you but it is worse to be with someone who really doesn't want to be with you. And it is also much better than waiting for someone to want to be with you. I don't know what else to say now other than that I can move on now. It is better to have nothing than only a part of what I want. No longer am I left wanting and now the hurt I've felt these last few months can finally go away. Anyway, I wanted to post that because I learned something. I want to be with someone who loves me and can love me as much as I am capable of loving them. I want someone who will not take love, which I truly see as a strong commitment much like marraige, so lightly. And I want someone who will take care of and cherish the most important part of me, my heart. I'm still sad but not hoping is a wonderful relief. I can move on and someday find the love I really want, one that lasts. I don't want to fight for love and I don't want to wait for love to happen. To me that's just not what love is anymore.

Thank you for all of your responses to me. You make a lot of sense at a time when I do not. I found out I had herpes 6 months into our relationship and told him the same day I was diagnosed. He tells me to that it is not a matter of loving me or not loving me.. He is just afraid. I'm on suppressive therapy, I'm willing to do everything to reduce his risk.. But that's just it, there is still a risk and I can never tell him that it isn't there. He is coming over tonight because he believes he has fixed my video card and also to watch Survivor. Watching this show together was a part of our routine. I called him this morning to tell him it was okay (he had asked to come over in an email) and at that time I asked him if he would like to make a doctor's appointment with me. He said he didn't know, maybe. All this not knowing has really got me down. Maybe I should have waited until the 15th to ask him this but waiting is just so hard. I don't think I will be saying anything to him about our relationship this even when he comes over. Do you think I am foolish for holding on to this hope or should I just let go? I think no matter what I am in pain.. He already knows that I would like to spend my life with him and he tells me this makes a difference to him and his decision. I can't wait to see him but at the same time I dread it.

Yes, Melrich does give very good advice. The Reason for our break up is still there. The Reason for our break up will always be there unless a cure is found. Plain and simple I found out I have herpes where as he does not. Does that count as extenuating circumstances? Of coure our relationship wasn't perfect and there were some things we could have worked on (and solved) but this was the biggie. I know very well that there are people out there that will be accepting of me but to me that does not matter because my heart is with my ex. He tried for 4 months to be okay with it but the problem is his fear. He is afraid of being with me, getting this virus, and us breaking up. That is why he tells me that if we get back together it will be for good because if we get back together it means that it doesn't matter, it will just be us, together. I think that if you truly love someone something like herpes wouldn't matter. I understand his need to step back and look at things objectively but at the same time I don't. I miss him. I just checked my e-mail and he's asked to come over tomorrow to watch Survivor. I didn't reply. I don't know how to reply. Friendship isn't enough for me. Maybe that's being selfish, I don't know. It hurts to see him. It hurts not to see him.

He's asked me to come over to bring by a shirt.. He's asked me to come over because he got a new fan for my video card. He invited me to poker night this friday. I've declined because I want him to use this time apart to really think about things and he understands this. He called me last night and we had a nice conversation. I don't know what's going on. I think he's about as confused as I am. I wrote him an email telling him that if he wants to get together before the 15th to have our talk that would be cool and if he wants to wait until the 15th that would be cool too. He said he didn't know. He doesn't know what he wants yet. I hope he knows soon. Our talk on the 15th is supposed to be on wether or not we are going to get back together.

Last night my ex called me! It was so nice to hear from him. He asked me about school and such, how my exams were going (I had one in oral anatomy and a probing practicle and you can bet he cracked some jokes about that). He asked me if I would like to come over on Friday night for poker night. Usually this is a guy's only kind of thing but his friends are bringing their girlfriends so he asked me if I wanted to go. I declined and told him that really wasn't what I wanted. (We agreed not to see each other until the 15th at which point in time we will discuss our relationship and a possible reconciliation) He told me that he enjoyed talking to me and that he missed me.. It was a very nice call and made me feel very hopeful of our situation. I hope it's not a false sense of hope though. Anyway, I e-mailed him today while I was on campus. I wanted to let him know I passed the probing practicle I thought I had failed. And I also told him that even though I declined poker night if he would like to get together before the 15th to have our talk that would be okay. But I told him there was no pressure and that if he wanted to wait that was okay too. I tried to keep it light but I don't know if it was a mistake or not. My gut is starting to tell me that we will end up back together but I don't know. Do you think it was a mistake to E-mail him about that? I'm not going to call him or anything and I guess I'll just wait to see if he responds. This is so hard. I probably goofed. Any encouraging words out there?

That is what we are doing right now actually. We tried hanging out but it was just too emotional. On the 15th we are getting together to discuss the possibility of getting back together, changes that can be made, etc. He knows we can't see each other as friends. I am hoping that this is enough time for him to know if we shall be together or not. I don't know how to approach a conversation like this so I guess I still have the same question.

melrich, I didn't answer your first question. We were in a relationship for 10 months. We saw each other ever day and basically lived together. He did not end up calling me last night but he did right me and email. It said, "Hey, write me and email. I'll check it when I wake up." He works third shift. I did not write him back. What would I say? Oh, you didn't call me? I figure that if he wants to talk to me he will. Can you give me some advice on what to say to him when we do meet on the 15th? We are supposed to be discussing some changes we can make to repair our relationship and I don't know how to go about doing it. Do I start by telling him what I think can be done? Do I ask him if he's thought of anything? Or should I just simply ask him if he wants to even be with me at all and go from there?

Hmm, that makes a lot of sense. So if I don't respond to him it will make him think he doesn't just have me wrapped so easily around his finger? Do you think he is playing some kind of cruel break up game?

I didn't call him, even though he didn't call me like he said he would. Maybe he was testing me, maybe something came up, maybe he just plain old forgot. I dunno. If he writes me is it okay if I respond? And I was thinking about writing him on Thursday cause we usually watch Survivor together, yanno, just to coment like we do about the episode. Would that be okay if that was all I did and nothing more? No calls, no emails unless it's in response. What should I say to him when we do meet on the 15th? Thank you for your responses, means a lot.

dark blue: it's hard to act as if the relationship is really over, especially when he's saying that there is still a chance. it makes it sooooo hard to let go. i know it's over though.. but there's still hope. where does that leave me? but one of my favorite quotes of all times is, "hope for the best, expect the worst." but right now my hope is keeping me afloat. partlysunny: thank you. i really hope that not seeing me does make him miss me and want to be with me again. there were things in our relationship that he needs the chance to evaluate and though he tried to do that while we were together i think it was impossible for him to be objective that way. that is why i think not having contact with him for now is the best thing. but i'm afraid that when we do get together on the 15th.. what if he doesn't know yet? what if it's not what i'm hoping for? i didn't understand,"are you willing to risk giving up happiness in a long term relationship so you can have the short term instant gratification for the next two weeks?" can you please explain further? My ex didn't call me like he said he would in the e-mail. I'm feeling very down about this right now because I was looking forward to hearing from him. I am proud of myself for not calling him though, something very unlike me. I think he may be testing me. As he said, he needs time to think. And in the e-mail he said he'd call me tomorrow. At the end he said ILL CALL YOU, in all caps, just like that. I think he might be testing me, to see if I can give him the space he needs and wait until he is ready. I don't know. I don't know what to do at all. How the hell do you get over them when you know there is still a chance? Should I take him not calling me as a sign that he really doesn't want to get back together? Am I a fool for holding on? Am I a fool for waiting?

to djedix: I did not set the date, he did. I left the date open to him so that he could get the amount of time that he needs in order to think. to superdave71: I can't help not letting go. I know I might loose him (heh, not that I haven't already lost him) but I have to try. I won't give up as long as I see there is still a chance. I really do love him. to roasted carrots: we have an amazing connection. he's my very best friend. It is not only I who is making contact. He's called me two or three times and is supposed to be calling me again today. Though I don't know if he will. I'll take it as a bad sign if he does not. I know he is not stringing me a long, I know there really is a chance. I know this because I've spoken with his mother (she called me crying about our break up) and he had told her the same thing. It is hard to stick to our no contact agreement when he wants emails, says he'll call and even wants me to stop by. I don't understand this at all really.

My boyfriend of 10 months dumped me a week ago and I was crushed. I still am but something in my gut is telling me we could get back together and I just need someone to help me out and let me know if I'm thinking objectively. When we broke up he told me that he did not know if it was permanent or not, he just needed time. After a few days I came over (he knew ahead of time) and read him a letter I wrote. I told him I could wait but that I couldn't wait for ever, only for a couple of weeks because it hurt so much. I told him that if he didn't know by then I would move on. We saw each other ever day after we broke up, one day to watch Survivor, one time cause he helped me move my stuff back to my place, etc. Sunday (yesterday) was our first day of no contact (we broke up on a Monday). I did call him yesterday though. I told him I loved him, that we had so many good times, good memories. He agreed with everything, said he felt the same way. I told him I didn't want to give up. I asked him if we could set a date to sit down and talk about fixing things between us. I told him I wanted us to come up with something that we can do to really change what is wrong with our relationship. He said that if we get back together it has to be because he wants us to and then he said ok, on the 15th which is about two weeks from now. We BOTH agreed to no contact and no phone calls. He did ask that I write him e-mails as long as our relationship wasn't discussed. Is this good? Does it just mean that he doesn't want me pestering him to get back together or something worse? One question about this though. Is this a good sign? My letter to him told him that I wouldn't wait more than a couple of weeks for him to know if we were to be together or now.. And now we have an actual date to talk about fixing things. Is this different or am I being over analytical? Also, I wrote him an e-mail last night. I wrote it because I was doing the laundry of mine that I had picked up from his apartment. When I was folding it I found the shrit I had gotten him for his birthday. I wrote that and I asked if it got stuck in with my things my mistake or if he was returning the gift. I told him that if he wanted it back I would give it to him on the 15th. He wrote me back saying that it was NOT being returned and he had in fact been looking for it because he's wanted to wear it several times since we've split. (this is an "awwwww", right?) He also mentioned the pocket watch I got for him and said how much he loved that as well. He said that maybe I could bring down shirt for him today because he'll want to wear it before the 15th. (even though we agreed on no contact) He also said he'd call me today (again, even though we agreed on no contact) AND he thanked me for writing him. Does it sound like we have a chance of getting back together or am I just grasping for straws? I was also thinking about maybe bringing over a bottle of wine (cause we enjoy sharing a bottle once in awhile) and either some flowers or a card or something when we get together on the 15th. Would this be a good idea or a bad one? I feel so much better now because I just feel like we will be getting back together in a little while but I don't know if it's just wishful thinking or I'm in denial. What do you think? And what can I do or say so increase the odds? I want to be with him again so bad. I just miss him so much.