renaissancewoman101

Wish me luck, I am going to go up by my parents and see if I can straighten things out.

Yes, hopefully everything will work out. Do you guys think I am a bad person???? When things like this happen to me, I tend to get down on myself and become very self-recriminating. Sometimes, I feel as though I cause my own problems. I know this sounds bad but there are days I feel that I am not very likeable and that everybody thinks I am a pain. Moving out here has been hard and I have been trying to get my life together and be happy and outgoing. This doesnt help me one bit

Hope75, that was what my ex's mother was referring to. I told the ex early on in the relationship because I didnt want to mislead him and because I wanted him to understand why I was involved in a situation like that. I never wanted him to tell his mother about, but he did. He also told his best friend too. I just dont understand one thing, she knows I moved out here to get OVER the ex, and using my other situation to manipulate me just sounds crazy like she is trying to blackmail me into coming back. Doesnt she get it, THE EX DUMPED ME NOT ME DUMP HIM!!!!!!!!! She makes it seem like it was my fault. It wasnt. As for my situation with my best friend, I am not sure what I want to do now. Right now until I find a job, I am on his health insurance and that saves me because I have bad asthma problems and take medications for it on a daily basis. I care about the best friend a lot and really am afraid to be alone. Part of me moved out here so I can be closer to him because I couldnt stand being in Milwaukee after he moved away and after the breakup. I am not sure how much I want my parents to know. I love my parents very much, but they can be very critical of me at times. Dako, my mom has never really come to terms with me being so small and it has affected a lot of my relationship with her. I am afraid of her and that was one of the bigger reasons why I moved out to Milwaukee. She is embarrassed of my height and her friends make fun of me about that. My height was one of the reasons why she didnt want me to come to Hong Kong in April for my grandma's funeral because she didnt want people she knew to say things to her about how small I am. The way my mom is about things, was one of the reasons why I was afraid to move back to CA in the beginning and why I chose to move down to San Diego instead of LA. I wanted to be closer to my parents but not that close. Wish me luck tonight, and hopefully everything turns out well.

Friscodj, yes I do have low self-esteem. Part of that is self-perpetuated because I have issues about my height and part of that has to do with my mother. My mother has never really been able to deal with me and my shortness, why I dont know. She either belittles me about it or she is condescending to me about it, saying "dont worry about not finding guy, I know you are short, but at the end if nothing works out, I can set you up with a guy". As for the situation, a few years ago, I got myself involved with a situation with my best friend because I care about him and because I didnt think I could ever find a SO. I am still involved in that situation and I did tell the current ex after a few months of dating him but I made him promise not to tell his mother about it. That whole situation became a sore point in our relationship, and at the end he did tell his mother one day, when he was drunk. His mother has used that as way of pointing out why I lost the ex. I am not sure if I am willing to give up my best friend to get my ex back either. Even though my best friend and I have fights every so often, he has always been loyal to me and been there for me when I really needed him. My best friend is the only person I truly trust and can be open to because I know he cares about me and because he confides in me fully. Dako, I dont think I am going to go to Chicago anytime soon because that is just a big can of worms that I just dont want to deal with right now. I am starting to get used to living in San Diego and being on my own. I actually am starting to like life out here and am getting into a rhythm of doing things. Yes, I will be able to handle this like I handled everything in life, it is just that now I have to deal with my parents being irate for a while and things that I wanted to keep hidden are being dragged out into light which I didnt want to have happen since my mom is going to harp on that for a long time. I am going to drive up to see my parents later on this afternoon and see how much damage control I can do. This is not a good time for this to happen. My mom is leaving to go to Houston to visit her sister tomorrow and I dont like her leaving with her being mad at me. I just want to come out of this unscathed and w/o letting my parents into the "situation". If they knew about that, they would be angry with my best friend and would try to forbid me to hang out with him again. Wish me luck, I hope I am not walking into a cesspit. As for the ex and his mother, I so much want to rip them into one, but I am not sure how to go about doing that. I tend to be the shy, unconfrontational type. His mother is the very much in your face, do as I say woman. That is why towards the end of our relationship, I stopped going out to hang out at their house. I just could not stand her controlling ways.

Right now, I am not sure what I want to do. I need to go home and talk to my parents because they are mad at me about the situation and my mother is saying it is my fault and what the hell did I do to cause all this. They are also mad that I lent the ex money. I never told my parents I did that just because that would be a sore point with them. I dont need to get into a fight with my parents over this because I need their help until I find a job and settle down. I called the mutual friend and told her of the situation. She thinks I should come out to Chicago and talk to the ex and his mother and have the mutual friend be referee. That isnt a good idea either because the ex's mother doesnt like the mutual friend. I just want this all to stop. I want my money back and I want my life back. I miss the ex and part of me would love it if we could reconcile but his mother freaks me out and I cant deal with that right now. I want to be happy out here in San Diego and I am trying my best to. It is just a tough road right now, with obstacles like this. I wish I had friends out here. Yes, this is the same guy with the Peter Pan syndrome.

I am not sure what I am going to do yet. Right now the best thing for me to do is to go to my parents house and talk to them and do some damage control. I am not happy that my ex's mother brought up words like "cleaning up my situation" because my parents have no idea what the situation is, and if they did, it would not bode well for me. I dont want to tell my parents the situation as it stands right now because my parents would be mad at why I got involved in something like that. It isnt anything really BAD, but it is an agreement that I made with my best friend. And my parents knowing the ex owes me money isnt good either because my mom always believes that one should not lend a guy money. Should I fly out to Chicago and try to talk to the mother and the ex? I could do that but that would open a new can of worms for me, esp with my emotions. I dont want to be depressed again.

I am not sure what to do now. I just got a phone call from my mother saying that my ex's mom called me at my parents' house looking for me. She left a message with my dad telling me that the ex broke up with his gf and that if I want him back now was the time. She then asked my dad if I cleaned up my situation since that was the only thing that would prevent me from getting the ex back. WHY THE HELL DID SHE DO THAT??? Now my parents are extremely angry and puzzled at me and they think I am hiding things from them. The ex's mother never did tell my dad what my "situation" was but she did tell then that if I make a move now, I can also get the money back that he owes me. Now my parents want to know what kind of situation I am involved in and why my ex would owe me money. My parents are mad at me and they want me to come up to LA so they can talk to me and get to the bottom of this. This isnt good. I want the ex back but what his mother did was not right. Calling my parents is NOT A GOOD thing. She knows that my parents and I dont always get along and this doesnt help matters. I probably should not have given her my parents home number long ago, but I did because the first time she called, she just nonchalantly asked me for my parents number and when she called, she surprised me and brought up a lot of memories and I was also driving when she called so I gave her the number. I need to get the money back from him because he owes me about $1500 but this is not the way to go. What should I do now? She had my cell number, she should have called the cell not my parents house. Now I have my parents upset with me and I dont need that since that opens another can of worms that I dont want to deal with. I am seriously thinking about flying out to Chicago next week to have a talk with the ex or the mother to get to the bottom of this but that is going to raise another can of worms and kill my crazy emotions. I want to heal from this, not get dragged back into the abyss. But, I still care about him. If I told my best friend about what the ex's mom told my parents, he is going to be mad and blame me for the situation.

My ex and I were together for about two years. He was the first normal relationship I had. I have been healing for about a month or so. The months following the breakup were very hard for me to deal with because I was also going through a lot of other problems, like my best friend moving away. Also, there were so many memories out in Milwaukee that a lot of things reminded me of him. I have only started to heal in the last month or so, after I moved to San Diego, because there is nothing here to remind me of him, and I am starting over again fresh and new. Although my family lives close by in LA and my best friend lives in Irvine. I know this might sound weird to say. In the beginning of Jan, the day after I moved out to San Diego, my car got broken into in Irvine and I got everything stolen out of it (there was a lot of stuff in there that I could not part with when I was packing in Milwaukee to move out here, so I just hauled it all out here). At this point in time, I somewhat can look back at that situation and see it as a blessing in disguise. I know it sounds weird but in a way, having all my stuff stolen, forced me to let go of a lot of things that I dragged out here that were memories of my past life. In a way, that situation has helped me to let go of some things because I dont have the physical things to remind me of the ex (jewelry he gave me) and stuff to remind me of my life back in Milwaukee. I am starting to heal, although I am still having a tough time out here trying to get the impetus to go out and meet people, make friends, and find a job. There are times that I still wish I could talk to the ex because I miss him. He also owes me some money ($1500) which I intend to, at some time, get back. Not sure about that either because if I chase him for the money it is going to bring back a lot of painful memories.

Hellokittykitty, I understand how you feel when you think life is cruel and unfair. It takes time to get over breakups and you are just beginning it. I am still not over my ex breaking up with me because he was the first normal relationship I had ever had. I can understand when you look at life and all you see is sadness, despair, and bad things happening. It is hard to see if there is even any light at the end of the tunnel. There is light, you are just on the journey to reach that light but it will come to you, sooner or later. Right now, I just moved to a new city and have only been here a month. I still havent made any friends. I miss the ex and I need to find a job. In the last year, up until now, there have been so many bad things happening to me that it has been hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a lot of pets die on me last year. My grandma (whom I loved dearly) died last April and my mom would not let me or my brother attend the funeral with her in Hong Kong. That destroyed me. I had some serious health issues last year and my ex broke up with me in Sept. Although I have moved to a new city, I still am going through problems. I dont have a job (I picked up and left w/o finding a new job), one of my pets is ill again, and I feel alone out here. But, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. After 4 months, I am finally starting to heal from my breakup. I am making the effort to go out and make friends, but it isnt easy. Good things come to those who wait and preservere. Good luck.

1) Do you feel that you'd rather never see your ex again than be friends with him (and find out sooner or later he/she's happy with someone else)? I would say that I am not sure what I want. I want to stay friends with him because we have some mutual friends and I will probably see him once this summer because I am planning to go back to Wisconsin once during Ren Faire season to visit a friend and go to Ren Faire. I want to stay in touch with him because he also owes me about $1500. I know he is seeing someone else, but I am not sure if he is happy with her and I dont really want to know because it would hurt me. 2) How bad was this break-up for you INITIALLY? 1 - I couldn't eat, sleep or live for a while; i thought i'd die. 3 - I went on my life as best as I could, but there's a big hole and i miss him/her so much 5 - I'm alone and single again, it wasn't a big loss I would say that this would be (1) because this was the first breakup I had with a significant other. My first love, the gay ex, he is still very much a part of my life, now as a best friend. I would also say a (1) because the time my current ex broke up with me, I was going through a very tough period in my life. My best friend had just moved to LA to take a new job, I had lost a few of my pets, and I was feeling very alone. His breakup with me almost broke me. I lost weight because of it and my work life suffered. It was the thing that caused me to decide to move away permanently. 3) Was this the 1st break-up as bad, or have you gone thru similar (more or less) ups/downs before? This was the worst breakup in my life because this was the first guy I had a normal relationship with. My first ex's relationship with me was weird and he turned out to be gay, but we stayed good friends. 4) Do you feel you were so hurt and reacted so much to breaking up because (any and all that might apply) i) you were never dumped before by someone you cared this much ii) you loved this ex so much, he/she was like no other iii) you weren't emotionally sound when you started that relationship iv) Other? (i) and (iv). I cared about him deeply and I thought he would never dump me because he has always been the dumpee in his relationships and he always told me that he understands what it feels like to get dumped. Also, he was very loyal to me and treated me very good and was very affectionate. The other reason was that everybody, him and his parents included, told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. His parents adored me a lot because I was the first girl he dated that was HIS AGE and was living on my own, had a decent job, and DROVE. 5) Do you feel that a majority of this pain is maybe rejection, and that you can move on and love others, but having a hard time with rejection? Yes, a majority of this pain is my hurt ego and rejection. As I explained in the previous question, I never thought he would dump me because he was always dumped by other women, and everybody thought I was the best thing for him since I was so mature compared to him. 6) Bonus rhetoric question: Do you also feel amazed how the person you were so in love with few months ago could be/seem/sound SOOOOO cold/cruel when he/she wants to break it off? Yes, I was amazed that he could just dump me like that and not give me another chance to fix up my feelings for him. I never saw that in him because he is always the one that goes the extra mile for his friends (who in turn use him) and he has always been the one who was rejected so he understands what it is like to be in my shoes. The way he dumped me was cold and cruel, and then he went on to date someone who was barely 18, just two weeks after our breakup. That hurt.

Nathalie1970, I can understand how you are feeling. For the longest time I have been trying to get back together with the ex. Two weeks after he broke up with me, I went down to talk to him and try to reconcile with him. That night we ended up in a drunken argument because I drank too much and I cussed him out and threw empty beer bottles at him. I was lucky that someone didnt call the cops on us because we were arguing into the wee hours of the night. The scary thing about that whole thing is I dont remember much of it, or what the hell I cussed him out about. All I know that he was and is still angry about some of the stuff I said that night. When I saw that there was no chance in hell that we were going to get back together, I made the decision to pack up and move out to San Diego and start my life over again. My parents and my best friend live in LA. My ex was surprised to hear that i was moving away. I guess he was hoping that I was going to sit and wait for him to come back to me and pine away for him. Weird thing is that after I made the decision to move to CA and AFTER I moved away to CA, I get two phone calls from his mother (his mother is very controlling and she liked me because she thought I could help his son grow up) telling me to have hope, but to clean up my life and if things dont work out in San Diego, to move down to Chicago, but to clean up my life and she would get the ex to come back to me. This is even after she knows that he had a new gf. Her response to that was "that is just a girl. You know how he is, he always has to have a girl on his arm. She means NOTHING to him." The two times (the last time was about a week ago) she called, she has sent my emotions into a tailspin because I still miss him and would love to reconcile with him. I am finally starting to move on with my life because I am getting used to my life out here, but it is hard and her phone calls toy with my emotions and my feelings for him but I am getting better. Stay strong, it will get better. Remember it was them who dumped us, it should be them who BEGS for us back. I know it is hard, I still have days that I wish the ex had not broken up with me, but life goes on.

Memi, I understand what it is like to be lonely. I can be the outgoing talkative type but only to a point. As my ex once pointed out to me, I do have people who like me, but I dont seem to like to go out to seek friendships. When I worked at Ren Faire for two seasons (2003 & 2004), I met A LOT of people and most of the remembered me this past season even though I wasnt working at Ren Faire last year. I went around Faire asking people to fill out surveys about what they thought of Faire. People remember me because I can have an outgoing and bubbly personality. I can only do that to a point but I have a hard time making friends and keeping them around. I am friendly to a point and after that point, I can shut off and become real shy and quiet. Part of it has to do with the fact that I also tend to be a loner a lot of times. I live alone and I do alot of stuff alone. A few years ago I was complaining that I didnt have a bf and how much I wanted a bf. When I did find a bf, his constant wanting to be around me, be with me, etc., started to drive me nuts after awhile. I like my space, whether it be with a guy, or just my friends. Even with some of the friends I have now, I sometimes will just disappear off the radar and not answer phone calls, etc. because I like to be alone. I do get along with most people but I also like my personal space A LOT.

Yes, I went through a lot to relocate out in CA. Having my stuff stolen the first day I was out here really did a number on my resolve to stay out here. Do I regret coming out here??? Not really. I have my family out here and just far enough away that I dont have to see them when I dont want to and I like the weather out here. My asthma hasnt acted up since I been out here which is good. All I need to do now is find a job so I can actually survive out here, and make new friends. I think as I make friends around here, I will be more incline to go and hang out with my friends than with my best friend, although he will always be an important part of my life.

I want opinions from people on here about whether this friendship is healthy for me or not. It has to do with my best friend who is also my first ex. My best friend and I have been the best of friends for about 10 years. He was also my first bf. I dated him for about 2 years before he came out to me and told me that he had feelings/attraction for guys. He wanted to keep me in his life because I was his emotional buoy and rock that he can lean on when he needs someone. A year after he broke up with me, he found a bf. He still kept me close to him even after he found a bf. His bf did not like that and did his best to try to push me out of their lives. I am still here because my best friend stood up to his bf and told him that he wanted me to stay because I had always been there for him. Don't take me wrong. I care about my best friend a lot. But, I am getting to the point that sometimes I think he takes advantage of me and that he wants me around because I help him out with his life. I still care about the guy but I want my own life too sometimes and yet I am afraid to really let him go either. Case in point, us all moving out here. My best friend found a job in Rosemead, CA and moved out to CA in October. He didnt exactly ask us to move out here but he kind of dropped hints all over the place that he missed me and his bf and that he was lonely out there and that he needed us. He didnt say those words exactly but he dropped enough hints that alluded to those words. Because my current ex had broken up with me, I decided to move out to CA to be with my best friend because I was sad, lonely, and I felt alone in Wisconsin. When he first started out in LA, I took a week off to go out there to help him settle in and start his job and be there for him. I eventually moved out there to be there for him and to get a new start on life. My best friend had dropped a lot of hints that he wished I was out there but that he didnt think I would ever quit my job and come back out to CA. When I did do that, he along with my current ex was surprised that I would do that. His bf followed in a month or so, probably because he was jealous that I was out here with him. His bf left a very secure, stable job and just moved out here like me. Now that we are all out here, I feel like life is still the same, I hang out with them on the weekends and my best friend calls me in the morning, in the afternoon and on his drive home. He yaks about nothing and constantly complains about the traffic, the people, the cost of living out here. Every day it is the same complaints, and he says I complain about the same things all the time. I feel a bit too tied to him even though I live in San Diego and he lives in Irvine, CA. I hang out with them on Sat and sometimes even on Sundays. Before his bf moved out here, I was staying over with my best friend and helping him out by running errands for him while he was at work. Before his bf moved out here, my best friend would want me to come up by him every few days and I did because I cared about him. I dont mind doing that because I care about him but that was hindering my job search and I got mad at him when he got mad at me for not finding a job. Do you guys think my best friend is a bit TOO dependent on me and/or using me???? He tells me that he doesnt need me and if I want to be on my own and let him be, I am free to do so. I like him a lot and worry about him, so I care for him. I know our friendship is strong and has lasted a long time through a lot of strange and painful things and he loves me in his own way. But, I want my own life too and that is one reason I moved to San Diego. I wanted to grow on my own and not be too close to my family or my best friend. And yet, I find myself hanging out in Irvine a little too much, and talking to my best friend about 3 hours a day on the cell (his drive to work, his drive home, and at lunch, and sometimes at night). And he is always asking me to look up things for him, do things for him, bring him stuff, etc. Eventually after I settle down out here, I am going to want to do stuff on my own, meet people on my own, and maybe find a new SO. I just wish I could have the guts to fly free on my own. I also wonder how my best friend would feel if I did go and fly on my own. His dependency on me (although he says I am dependent on him) did in my recent relationship. My current ex could not handle my friendship with my best friend and his constant calling of me, etc. I want to expand out and make new friends and acquaintances. My best friend on the other hand doesnt want to make new friends out here. He wants to keep his life a secret and not let people in on it. He wants only his bf and me to hang with and be close to. Do you think I am the cad here that is being used?

Fairykiss, I can understand the dilemma you are in. You dont necessary have to break up with him, you just have to change the mindset in which you look at him as. And if you do decide to go the route and stay with him because he needs to cover up for his gayness, I can tell you that it is not an easy thing to do. I have been in your shoes and it has been a journey to hell and back. I love my first ex/best friend very much and I want to be a part of his life as long as he can, but being with him as a "girlfriend" because he didnt want people to know he was gay and then him having a boyfriend in secret, was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It was like I loved him but I could not have him. It was like watching someone else enjoy the stuff you wanted to enjoy with him. It kills the self-esteem and does a number on your emotions. It took me a long time to get over that situation and look at it now from an outside standpoint. Am I completely healed from it??? NO, I still have scars from it and it has come to haunt me in my current relationships. I can see also why he is afraid to come out. I am not sure how it is with Filipinos (I see you are from the Philippines), but with a lot of Asians, I think gayness is not well looked upon. I am Chinese and I know that gayness is looked down up by a lot of Chinese (not saying that is ALL Chinese people do that) My first ex was gay although none of my friends or I had ANY idea in the beginning. My friends set me up with him in college and I fell hard for him. He was a cute, nice, cultured, outgoing, guy with a good sense of humor. We dated and became a couple. He was not really sexual and I took that as being he was shy. He did have some strange quirks about him but I ignored them. We dated for over two years and he asked me to stay out here and wait for him to graduate. The day after he graduated college, he told me that he was confused with his sexuality and that he could be attracted to guys. The day he told me that, I was devastated. I felt like the world had crashed around me and the sun had set forever. Plus, I was stuck out in Wisconsin and I didnt know what I was going to do. He didnt want me to leave him though, he saw me as the pillar he could lean on, that he could trust while he explored his sexuality. So, I stayed and waited to see what would come out of this. Part of me was even doubting that he could be gay, that this was just a phase he was going through. Fast forward a few months later. He met a Thai guy online and fell in love with him. That was when my rose colored glasses were brutally yanked from me. He was never coming back to me the way I wanted him to. He was gay and he found a bf. He was so different to his bf than he was ever to me. I found myself looking at them and smouldering with jealousy, wishing that he had been like that with me. Some days even wishing I had never met him. I wanted to never speak to him again, to walk out of his life. But that was not to be. He told me that he needed me, that he loved me like a sister, and that I was the only one who understood him emotionally. SO, I stayed. His bf hated me and did everything to try and get me to go. But my best friend stood his ground and insisted that I stay. So I did. I would love to say that everything turned out great from there. It has been a roller coaster ride from hell and back. My first ex/best friend is still very close to me. He lives in Irvine with his bf and I constantly go and visit them. He still depends on me emotionally and I trust him completely because he has never really betrayed me. It has done a number on my dating life though. Since him, I have only found one close relationship, my current ex. My current ex could not deal with my attachment to my best friend and his attachment to me, and that had a hand in doing in THAT relationship. If I had to live it over again, would I??? I am not sure. I love my best friend a lot and I plan to keep him in my life as a close friend, but there are times I wish that he had not been my first bf, since it has scarred me emotionally. That is one of the reasons why when I did move back to CA, I moved down to San Diego. I wanted to live somewhere AWAY from my best friend so that I could spread my wings and learn to live on my own, and find a new relationship without having my best friend's specter haunting it.

Friscodj, that is a LONG story. Since our breakup, his mom has called me twice. She thinks I am the best thing for him and she was mad at him for breaking up with me. Last year, he took a break from me for a week because he wasnt sure how he felt about me. His mom talked to him and convinced him to come back to me. His mom is one of those ultra-controlling types. Right now, I think my priority is going out, finding a job (I do have SOME job leads), and making friends. I think one of the best things to do when one moves to a new city is to concentrate on going out to do things and making friends and then worry about finding a SO. It is good to have friendships.

So, how long should someone wait after a breakup before one goes dating again? My ex broke up with me 4-5 months ago. I am still not over him although moving out to San Diego has helped. I want to go out and start dating again, but the break up has shaken my confidence so it is hard to get out there. Also, the phone calls from his mother dont help?

Yes, I am going to stay positive. I just have to be proactive and go out of my shell and seek things to do, meet people, etc. There is a lot to do out in San Diego and people here seem nice and friendly. We'll see. Well I am off to my parents for the evening. My mom cooked me one of my favorite dishes so that is good. The traffic should be less now and I am going to be heading up to LA soon. Moving back to CA was the second momentous thing I have ever done. Moving FROM CA to Wisconsin was the first. LadyBugg, did it take you long to make friends and find stuff to do?

Dako, I will get past this. It will take time. Overall, I am happy that I moved to San Diego. The weather is nice out here and there is a lot to do out here and I have a chance to start over again w/o reminders of my past. I just have to ACTUALLY go out and DO something and get involved in things like I was doing when I lived in Milwaukee. We get out of life what we put into it, and I havent been putting a lot into trying to live life out here yet. Has anybody on here just picked up and moved somewhere? How long did it take you to adapt and start living life? Was it hard? My best friend moved out here for his job and he is dealing with life but he did it with the help of me and his bf. His bf drove out here with him and I took a week off work to come out here and help him settle in after his bf left and I was here through his first week of work.

DN, I am not sure what I want anymore. I do want to get back together with him but the way his mother seems to want to control this situation scares me a lot. Personally, I dont think he wants to get back together with me and I think his mom is trying to force the situation like he is a little kid and doesnt know what he wants and doesnt know what's good for him. I never liked his mother's controlling ways and she has always been nice to me and treated me well but I could tell that she likes me because she thinks I can make him grow up and keep him in line. I dont want to be like that to ANYBODY. I miss him a lot and part of me wants him back, but after being out here for a month, I am starting to realize that I can live without him. I am happy out here too, but I need to start coming out of my shell, meeting people, and making friends. And, if I got back together with him, I know she would control the situation and she would make EVERY attempt to control our lives. I can see that by the two phone calls she has made to me since our breakup and by what she said to me at the end of Dec. about the abortion thing last April. She pretty much told me that she wished I could have come to her about it and she would have helped me deal with it, instead of having me choose what I chose to do. She is a scary woman. Right now, I have to look forward and stay the course and realize that although everything is scary and different out here, I have the guts and the courage to MAKE it out here. I was able, at one time in my life, move out to Wisconsin without knowing what was out there, and I MADE IT OUT THERE. I can do it out here too. I am happier out here and starting over is a good thing. I am going to make a concerted effort to make it out here and make some friends along the way.

DN, I am trying to get my life together out here. It is hard though because I have not had to start over like this in a LONG time. I am having a hard time adapting to life out in San Diego because I feel so alone out here(when I first moved to Milwaukee, WI, that was different because I went to college out there and it was easier to meet people). I think I need to stop running up to Irvine to hang with my best friend every few days or to see my parents in LA and stay down here for one WHOLE weekend, that is what my best friend's mother thinks I should do. I also need to get out more and meet people. I have been here for one month and I really havent made any friends yet. I finally got the the impetus and the courage to go out and apply for jobs. I went to a temp agency and put in an application for a temp job. I hope I can get a job soon because that will help me get out of my shell and meet people. Ta_ree_saw, I wish life would not throw me these curve balls, I am not that strong to deal with all of the stuff that life throws at me. Last year was a tough year and it took a lot out of me. Moving back here is a challenge and there are some days, I feel overwhelmed by it. I need to learn to depend on myself and live for myself and be happy with myself instead of running to my best friend or my parents when I am lonely. I have been doing that ALL the weekends I have been out here, running to Irvine or to LA. That is one reason I chose to live in San Diego. I didnt want to be too close to my parents or to my best friend because I wanted to make a life ON MY OWN, but it is hard. I just feel so lonely out here. I wish I had someone to do stuff with. I am staying my course. There is no turning back. I do like life out here. I just have to get used to it, start enjoying it, get a job, meet people, and make some friends. I can tell that I am happier out here. Life has a lot to offer me, it is just time for me to take charge and go and ENJOY what life has to offer me. Dako, he will never leave his mother, she will see to that. She is a very controlling woman that likes everything done HER way and she has bullied both her kids all their lives to doing what she wants. He rebels against her a lot but at the end, he still does what she wants, and she lets him live at home and act like a kid, and she treats him like one. If she had her way, she would have me move to Chicago and live with them. I know that because of what happened about a year ago. Last year I found out that I have some issues with my spine, where two of my upper vertebrae in my spine are fused together and pushing in on my spinal cord. To correct that problem I need surgery and the surgery would have entailed a month's recovery time. My ex's mother is a nurse and I told her about the surgery. She took charge of the situation and tried to find me the best doctor around in Chicago and she wanted to take care of me saying she could do it best. I ended up not doing the surgery because I am afraid of surgery and because I didnt want to end up depending on her. My ex's mother scares me because she is SO controlling. That was one of the reasons why my feelings for my ex died out. I couldnt stand going over there and staying there and dealing with his mother constantly nagging at the ex and at me for not keeping him in line. The first time he broke up with me, a year ago, she was INSTRUMENTAL in us getting back together. She told me that she would have a "talk" with him and get to the bottom of this.

Not sure what to do now. I just got an interesting phone call from the ex bf's mother. Apparently she heard about me getting my car broken into and my stuff getting stolen, including my jewelry box (and a small locket that he had given me). I asked her how she found out and she told me that my insurance company had sent her son a letter asking about the price of the locket (when I filed my insurance claim, I had to list all the stuff stolen, how much they were worth and if it was a gift, the person who gave the gift and their address). Apparently he had shown her the letter. She called me to sympathize with me about my loss of my stuff and she wanted to see how I was doing out here. I told her that I was doing ok and that I was surviving out here. She then asked me if I had taken care of my "problem" yet and I told her that I was working on it. She then told me that she still thinks I can get her son back and that he talks about me at times in a nice way. She also told me something and she told me that she shouldnt be telling me this, but she wanted to because she likes me a lot. She told me that her son is having problems with his new gf (the one that replaced me) and now their relationship could be on the rocks. She says the girl is flighty and doesnt know what she wants and bounces back and forth about things. She tells me to have hope because she sees a breakup between them in the future and if I get my ducks lined up, I have a big chance. She surprised me and I told her that, "even if I have a chance, how in the world am I suppose to make it work, if I live out HERE??" She just said, give it time and it will work out. Besides, you can always move back here. She then had to go and she told me that she would be in touch. What the f*ck!!!!!!!!! I am trying to forget about him but this takes the cake, and now I am worried about things? I want to make a life out here and it is hard, but I want to try. I also miss him. Why does life throw me curve balls like this????

Nothing's wrong with you. You are just letting everything get to your mind and paralyze you from doing something productive. I get like that a lot. I got like that when I was in school, hence why I am STILL trying to get my masters in teaching, and I also got like that right before I moved out to San Diego from Milwaukee. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it and take small steps. That was what people was telling me. I was looking at driving out here by myself, packing away 15 years of my life out in Wisconsin, saying good bye to friends I had known, leaving a stable long-term job, and getting over a broken relationship. I felt so overwhelmed and felt like sticking my head in a hole and ignoring everything. But people from here and from another site I post on kept telling me to take one small step at a time and look at it from the perspective of packing one box, throwing away one trash bag, then it doesnt look so overwhelming. If you compartmentalize it into smaller bundles, it wont look so overwhelming and it will be easier to handle/tackle.

Carnatic, what your friend says about "in love with the girlfriend but not with the girl" really rings true for me, except for me it was with my current ex. When I met my current ex I was kinda desperate to find a bf since I felt lonely and unappreciated and I was having problems with my best friend and his bf. When I met my current ex, I found him to be interesting and exciting although, in the beginning, I knew we had very little in common. I thought that was ok and that I could deal. When he responded postively to me, I was so happy that I found a bf. Things were great and I was willing to overlook all his shortcomings, and there were MANY. We lasted for a year at first and then he took a break from me for a week because he was confused about what he felt about me. We got back together and went on for almost another year, until last Feb. right around Valentine's Day weekend, when I took him on a weekend getaway. During that weekend, I realized that my feelings had changed for him and I began to regard him with distaste. That led to me pulling away from him, and him to eventually dump me. Sometimes, I think that why I am so angry and upset right now, and want him back is that because I feel so rejected and because I wanted a bf for the idea of having a bf. If I really look at things in retrospect, I think the only person I really truly loved was my best friend/first ex. Too bad he turned out to be gay. That really did a number on me, but we are good friends right now. He proved his worth to me because he never let me out of his life even when he found his bf.

I have had two serious relationships in my life both of which I did love. The first one I loved and still love as a friend very much and vice versa for him. Sometimes I am not sure if I even let my love for the first one go, although the love that I have for him now is more that of a best friend. The second one, my current ex, I did love and I thought he loved me, but he broke up with me. Do I still love him? I am not sure anymore.