renaissancewoman101

My relationship ended because of three things: 1) I am still very attached to my best friend who was my first ex. My current ex could not handle that because he felt that I opened up more to my best friend than to him and that I was always talking to him and running to help him out; 2) my ex could not deal with me being more established than he was. My ex was a 32 year old "child" in the body of a man who lived at home, did not know how to drive, would rather play Magic or computer games and looked at yuppies as something bad; 3) he could not stand the fact that I had pulled away from him and had started to ignore him and treat him badly. That was my fault. I started to lose feelings for him and I didnt know how to deal with that. I was also going through a lot of difficult things in my life so I pulled away from him and turned more to my best friend whom I trust with my heart and leaned on him for support. We also had very little in common.

Thanks for all your votes of confidence. That is one thing I do need to work on, my confidence. Height also plays into my confidence issues, although my best friend has noticed that since I moved back to CA and down to San Diego, I have been a lot happier here and more confident about things, and this is coming from a guy that I once dated (in college) and who has been my best friend for almost 10 years. I guess I have issues with my height because my mom had issues with my height growing up and she still has issues with my height right now. Although now she tends to be patronizing about my height issues. She likes to tell me not to worry about finding a guy because I am small because if I really want a guy, she will set me up with someone (arranged marriage?). I want to find a guy on my own and on my own timetable.

I do understand how Dogg is feeling about his ex. It is hard to get over someone. I moved out to San Diego so I could get over my ex and be closer to my friend and yet I still miss the ex. I am lonely out here and at the times I do feel the loneliest I think about the ex and wonder what he is doing, what he is up to. I also wonder if I make contact with him one of these days down the road, will I be able to get back together with him. It is hard to move on, esp when you still love someone and that love is unreciprocated. Sometimes I do think that if you ex is with someone else, it makes you want them more, kind of the "want what you cant have" feeling. Me, I am trying to move on. I am trying to make friends out here in San Diego but it is hard for me to get out of my shell. I am also trying to get myself emotionally up to looking for a new job. I tend to be the very shy type of person and change scares the hell out of me. With time, life will work out and you will forget about the ex. But it takes time, A LOT of time.

SuperDuper, I have had that happen, actually a few years ago. I was talking to a guy online for a while and I was into him and then we went out and met up and I could tell on his face that he was very surprised that I was as tiny as I was and it bothered him. Needless to say, the meeting was awkward and that was the one and only time we went out. Reason I ask this question is, I just moved to San Diego, CA and although I grew up in CA (Los Angeles), I never dated out here because I didnt date until I went off to college in the Midwest. People out there are different. They arent as superficial and critical about things like height, weight. Although they are more critical about race and stuff like that. Here it seems like everybody is superficial, into looks, and height plays into that. As I settle in here, find a job, and start living life, I am going to eventually want to find someone to date and I worry about how people here perceive people, esp height wise. Right now my priority is to make friends, but eventually I am going to want to date because that is the only way I will get over my ex and branch out on my own and do things independent of my best friend.

I wanted to put this question out to all you men out there on the forum. Is height a big thing with you when it comes to looking for women to date? I am seriously thinking about going back into the dating scene soon (after I settle down and adapt to life out here) so I can forget about my ex and learn to let go of my best friend instead of depending on him so much for support, things to do, a shoulder to cry on. I need to learn to be on my own and find someone to date. I tend to be really self-conscious about myself, esp my height. That partly has to do with my mother. My mother has never been comfortable with me being tiny as I am (I am only 4'5" tal) and her friends have made fun of me about it. Consequently, my mother has taken out her anger on me about me being tiny and making her look bad and, as a result, I am really self-conscious about my height. I am a decent looking Asian woman but on the small side.

Most Asians think counseling is a waste of time and a sign of weakness. Asians are supposed to be strong and steadfast and hold everything in. They dont believe in letting out their feelings. They also believe in solving their problems themselves. I am Chinese and my parents are very traditional and I grew up constantly being told that I had to hold my feelings inside and not be emotional, but instead to strive to do the best, be the best, etc. Admitting that we have feelings and we need help to deal with those feelings, are a sign of weakness and that is frowned upon. Growing up Asian in a very white culture was tough on me. In school I was encouraged to let my feelings out and be emotional (I went to a Catholic school) and at home I was discouraged from being emotional. I had a tough time in high school because my parents were having marital problems in high school and my mom put me in the middle of it. She would pit me against my dad and if I didnt side with her, she would say that I was betraying her. That was hard to deal with and, one day at school, I had an emotional breakdown and told a teacher about it. She encouraged me to get counseling and I told my mom. My mom took it badly and was really angry at me for telling other people about our family problems. She took it as me betraying her. Needless to say, she didnt think I needed counseling because she didnt think I was crazy, so I didnt get counseling. I ended up getting counseling for my pent in feelings and emotions when I went to college. Going to college was the first time I had ever been away from my parents and from CA. I went to college in Milwaukee and I had a tough time adjusting. During my first few weeks of college, I want to kill myself because I couldnt deal with being away from home, dealing with roommates, and with the fact that classes were hard and I wasnt doing real well. I came close to wanting to end it but I broke down and told my RA and she had me get counseling from the school counselor. That helped me.

Yes, taking risks can help to boost your self-esteem. Like you, my self-esteem tends to be on the low side and I have a bad tendency of questioning everything I do and being wishy washy about it. I also have a hard time moving onto unfamiliar territory. I like to stay in ruts because that is what makes me comfortable. For 15 years I lived in Milwaukee and for the past 7 years I stayed at a job that was comfortable and made decent money, but did not fulfill me emotionally or intellectually. It was a dead end job but I did not have the courage to leave it and find another job because I feared rejection. I took a risk this January and moved out to San Diego, CA because I felt it was time for a change. It took a helluva lot of courage to do it because I had never just picked up and moved somewhere with no job and little money. I feel more confident that I did it and I do have family in CA and my best friend lives out here too. My confidence has gotten better although I still need to go and find a job. Failing is a part of life but should not define us. I know that is hard to do. I hate failing and that is why I sometimes dont take risks, because I am afraid of failing and of rejection.

I have dealt with something like you and my heart is still hung up over him, although we are now best of friends. When I was in my third year of college, my friends set me up with a classmate of theirs. He was a cute guy, funny, nice, emotional, empathetic, dressed well, etc. I was a newbie to dating and had never dated before. I fell head over heels for him because he was the first guy I ever dated. We dated for three years and we did everything together, go out to eat, travel, did homework, etc. He seemed like he was into me but he was not sexual with me, not really. We never had sex, although he did sexual things for me sometimes (oral stuff)and I experienced my first orgasm with him. I found him weird but I didnt care. I just wanted someone whom I could hang with and who liked being around me. The year I graduated, he asked me to stay out here and wait for him to graduate (he is a year younger than me) and I stayed out here for him. I thought that he would eventually marry me. The day after he graduated, he told me that he thought he could be gay and that he could be attracted to men. I was crushed and did not know what to do. Yet, he did not dump me. He still wanted me around because I understood him and I was the only one he could open up to. I was devastated but I could not let him go. So, I hung on. He eventually met a bf and I was crushed but he still was emotionally close to me. His bf hated my guts and wanted to push me out of their lives. Even though my ex loved his bf and was infatuated with him, he refused to put me out of his life and kept me in. We are now all friends, although jealousy still exists between me and my best friend's bf, but it is a guarded jealousy. My best friend/first ex wants a life with his bf and with me there with them. It hasnt done my dating life a lot of good. I have tried to go out and date because I want a normal, love relationship. I met my current ex about two years ago, and I fell in love with him, but I was still in love with my first ex/the gay guy, and I have never let go of him emotionally and that was a major factor in doing in my current relationship.

I have told you about the mutual friend. She and I are still friends despite the breakup with my ex. After our breakup, I rekindled the friendship with the mutual friend because I was lonely and because I wanted advice on how to get the ex back. Despite me not getting the ex back, I am still friends with the mutual friend and want to stay friends with her so I can have a place to crash and a friend to hang with when I do go back out there to visit. I just felt bad that I told her that I was coming to visit her earlier in the week and now I am going back on my word because the ticket is too expensive and the expenses would be high. I dont want to lose her friendship over my faux pas. She doesnt see the ex a lot anymore because she stopped being friends with him and got her son to stop being friends with him because of my ex's drinking and because he broke up with me. I still want some ties back to the past right now because it is comfortable. I am moving on because I am staying out here and not going back to visit. I miss the ex and have not tried to contact him. I am trying to think of something that I could do to reawaken his feelings for me, although I am not sure what. What his mother told me in Dec about me divorcing my husband/best friend, I may throw out into the pot because that could be the lynchpin that gets my ex back. He could never understand why I was so attached to my best friend and why I married him and stayed married to him. That was a big part of what did us in. Although he said he lost his feeligns for me again. I dont think he would have lost his feelings for me if I hadnt treated him so badly in the last few months leading to the end of the relationship. I am not blaming him for the end of the relationship. I know the way I treated him had a BIG part in causing the end of our relationship and I regret it terribly. I have left him alone since the end of Dec when we went out for the last time before I left. I dont think he would have forgotten about me. I was the second long term relationship he had.

Yes, I do have attachment issues. I get attached to people and it is hard for me to let go. That is why I have a hard time moving on with my life. It was very hard for me to let everything go back out in Wisconsin and move out to San Diego even though my best friend is here, my parents are here and I grew up in CA. Still, I feel like a fish out of water and now I want to move back out to Wisconsin. I am attached to my best friend, that is why I originally moved out here. I dont do well when I dont have him around and he depends on me too. He calls me all the time to chat and he likes it when I come up to visit him, and I help him with stuff. I am not that happy that his bf moved here to be with him since now I wont see him a lot anymore and I will be lonely again. I havent really spent a full week down in San Diego (or even a full weekend) because I run home once a week and every few days I run up to Irvine to see my best friend and stay over by him. As for the ex, I do miss him a lot and a while back, I posted that his mom had called me to tell me to still keep hope alive but to keep in touch with them and if I got my life back together by divorcing my husband/best friend, then I could get the ex back. That is what I was thinking of doing writing a letter tell the ex that I WAS STARTING divorce proceedings and am thinking of transferring to Chicago since I am not happy here and seeing what comes out of it, and sending him a small belated bday gift. I know he still he has new gf, but he must still have some feelings for me. We were together for almost two years and he told me that my attachment to my best friend and what I did with my best friend (marriage etc) was what killed our relationship, along with my loss of interest in him. I realize that I made a mistake and it is eating me alive out here right now. I miss the hell out of him and want him back so bad. I know you guys think I am nuts. I am not. Now I also feel like a cad because earlier this week I told the mutual friend that I was coming out to Chicago to visit her but now I cant because my money is running low. I called her last night to let her know and I think she is disappointed by me. I dont want to lose her friendship. She means a lot to me. Besides, she is my one and only link to my ex, besides his mother (whom I dont want to get involved with). Am I a cad? I am thinking of making up a CARE package to send to the mutual friend along with something that she wants and I have.

Yes, it is hard to just up and move away, although I grew up here in CA so moving here is akin to moving home. Although I havent lived IN CA in almost 15 years. I forgot how fast-paced life is out here and that scares me sometimes because I am kind of used to my life out in Wisconsin. I just need to get my life in order and find a job and make some friends. It doesnt help that I am still attached to the mutual friend back in Chicago. I miss her a lot and I wanted to visit her this weekend. Earlier this weekend I told her that I was coming out to see her on the weekend but now that doesnt look possible. I called her tonight and told her and she said it was ok and that she didnt want me to come to see her if money was tight. But I feel I let her down and I feel like a cad about things. I am not happy out here. I miss the ex a lot and I am starting to have feelings of wanting to get back together with him. Right now I am seriously thinking about writing him a letter and telling him that I miss him and that it was a mistake for me to move out here because I am not happy out here. I want to tell him that I am coming back to Wisconsin to file divorce papers against my husband and that I am moving back to Chicago soon. His mom once told me if I got the divorce there was a chance. I want to throw that line out and if he does bite, then all bets are off, and I will move back to Chicago. I rather have something safe and that cared about me, yet he was not my type and we had little in common, than be here and have NO ONE.

Cool, you do something very similar to what I do, although I did not do illustration for manuals. What I did was update technical manuals for navigational equipment on planes. Did you have an engineering or technical degree? I have a degree in English and History but my best friend used to work at the engineering firm and he helped me get in there then I stayed there until my best friend moved out to LA this past year. Now I am here and I really need to get serious about finding a job. Part of me is scared to find a new job, work with new people, and part of me is afraid of rejection.

I used to be a technical writer. At least that is what I did when I was living in Milwaukee. The company I worked for was a bit outdated and used a lot of outdated software, so I am not sure if I am that up to par with stuff out here. I miss my life out in Milwaukee. It was simple back there.

I know i need to look forward. It is hard to do because I feel lonely out here and I have no friends out here except for my best friend. I do miss my life out in Wisconsin and I miss my friends. I am having a hard time finding a job out here and when I am lonely, I spend most of my time in my apartment or out shopping or eating out, which is not good for me.

Hi Dako, I live in downtown San Diego in the Cortez Hill neighborhood (not sure if you heard of that). I live very close to the Gaslamp district. How long have you been here? Where did you come from? I grew up in LA, then I moved to Wisconsin to go to college and I stayed out there 15 years. Had a decent apartment and a decent job but I decided to move back to CA because my best friend moved out here and I followed him. Also, my bf broke up with me in early Sept and I have never been the same since, so I also moved out here for a change of scenery and to forget about him. No, I havent checked out the Reader. I have been mostly in the Irvine area this last month hanging out with my best friend. My best friend's bf just moved out here so I wont be spending that much time with my best friend now. I need to get out, meet people, have some fun, and find a new job. I am so unmotivated about finding a new job. I miss my ex a lot and want to get in contact with him again. He knows I moved out here and he was surprised I did that.

I had thought that moving out to San Diego would help me feel better about myself. It has been almost a month since I moved out here and I am still lonely as all get out. I havent met anybody really or made any new friends. I feel all alone out here except for my best friend who lives in Irvine. I spend a lot of time with him and stay over by him a lot. But now his bf is moving out so I cant spend as much time with them as before. I have no job and little money. I am job hunting but my heart isnt into it. Everything is so expensive around here. I am glad that my parents are close by because they help me financially and I see them when I can. Everybody told me that once I moved out here things would get better and I would be happier and I would forget about the ex. That hasnt turned out to be the case. I am lonely out here. I feel like I cant compete with the people out here. Living in Wisconsin for 15 years has made me forget how shallow and superficial people out here are and how competitive they can be and judgemental. I like to be trendy but I cant compete with the people out here because: 1)I dont make money right now; 2) I am not used to this kind of lifestyle; 3) I feel intimidated by everything. Now I am starting to realize how my ex felt around me since I do like being a yuppie but only at certain points. I dont do a lot out here except hang out in my apartment, visit my best friend and hang out with him, hang with my parents on occasion, and I shop and eat out a lot. I miss my ex a lot. I didnt miss him at first, when I moved out here, but now I miss him a lot now. I think about him a lot. I think about my friends I left behind there. I miss my life there. I am seriously thinking of going out to Chicago to visit the mutual friend this upcoming weekend. I miss her and I miss being around famaliar people. She has been good to me. I have talked to her a few times and she sent me a really nice care package after I told her that I got most of my stuff stolen out of my car. Sometimes, I feel like I made a mistake moving out here. I feel like a fish out of water. Most of all, I really miss the ex a lot. No, I have not tried to make contact with him. I am not sure what to do about him. Part of me wants to call him up since he still owes me money and talk to him about how he is going to pay me back, and I want to tell him I made a mistake moving out here, I miss him, and I want a second chance. I also want to tell him I am divorcing my husband and getting rid of that situation (that is another situation to deal with, I may end up divorcing my husband because of the situation between him and his bf and I am tired of the whole situation). My ex's mother told me the ex still had feelings for me and if I divorced my husband, there was a BIG change my ex could come back to me. Now, I want to see if that is the case and I am willing to sacrifice my husband. I dont know what to do. I want to be happy and I thought moving out here would make me happy. It hasnt

Hi everybody. Here I am in sunny San Diego. Life has been ok with me. I still havent been able to find a job, although I havent made much effort at it. I dont know what is going on with me though. It really isnt that I miss the ex. I actually miss my life out in Wisconsin. Life here is very fast paced and people are competitive and superficial and image oriented. I called some temp agencies and emailed resumes around but no calls back. I am running out of money and things are VERY expensive out here (gas, food, etc). I dont know what to do. I am afraid to actually GO and look for a job. I feel so inadequate here and I feel alone a lot. I havent met much new people. Have spent most of my days in my apartment with my pets and visiting my best friend who lives in Irvine and help him out with stuff. I dont know where to go and what to do. I have gone to see my parents a few times. If they werent helping me out now, I dont know what I would be doing, esp concerning money. THings are so costly out here. I want to go back to Wisconsin. I want my old life back, my old job, where everything was so easy and all I did was go to work, make decent money, and that was that. Here I feel so scared and so much like a fish out of water. There is a part of me that may go back to Chicago for a few days to visit the mutual friend. She has expressed interest in seeing me again and I miss her a lot. She was good to me. When she found out that I got a lot of my stuff stolen, she sent me a care package with some knitting stuff and a stuffed animal. I miss my friends. I am too afraid to go meet guys right now, and part of me is starting to miss the ex. Last night, I sat here and cried about things, including the ex. I am seriously thinking of divorcing my husband because of some other things and maybe trying to hook back up with the ex (not sure how that will work but will require me getting in touch with his mother and letting her know I am starting divorce proceedings). I hate my life. I hate it out here.

I know. I am packing one box at a time. I waited so late to pack up my apartment. Lots of stuff to pack up. Not enough time to do it. The movers come at 8 AM. I am thinking about tossing out most of the stuff. Not sure yet. Packing is coming along ok. Never realized how many books I really do have. I am mostly scared about driving out to CA by myself. Originally someone was supposed to come with me, but the person got sick and now she cant come, so I am going to have to do the drive myself. And tomorrow I have to go and get one of my tires replaced because I took a too sharp turn tonight and banged my front passenger side of my car against a curb and kinda did a number on the tire. Not good. Do you guys think it is safe for me to drive out to CA by myself.

Here I am sitting on the computer when I should be packing and getting ready for the movers to come in tomorrow morning to take my crap and move it. I know I need to channel my energy into other useful things than pining away for my ex. I am just right now at a very pivotal point in my life and I am very scared. That is why I am pining away for the ex. Tomorrow, the movers come in to move all my furniture. I am still not packed yet. My place still looks very lived in. The movers are coming and taking away my stuff and I am driving out to San Diego at the end of this week, alone. I am very scared about doing the drive out to San Diego by myself but I have no one who is going to come with me. I do everything by myself and it pains me to see other people who have a SO and I cant keep one. I always end up by myself, doing stuff by myself. I dont seem to have any friends. Our mutual friend was supposed to come out with me but she may not be able to come with me. I was hurt by that. Sometimes I feel as though people dont care about me. All they want to do is use me for something or another. I really am afraid to move away from here. I have been here for 15 years and I have trouble moving away from things. You can just imagine how I am feeling right now, sitting here on the floor staring at all the stuff in disarray that needs to be packed away, etc. I dont know how I am going to be able to do it. I want to just run, hide and cry. I dont have the courage to do all this. I dont want to do this alone. I am very scared. Please tell me how to have courage?

SorryJason, I like your post. You are right in that he seemed like family to me and when he rejected me, it felt like my family was rejecting me and that hurt a lot. And you are right that it really has nothing to do with me but with the feelings of the dumper which are not a correct reflection of me. I know I need to channel my energy into other useful things than pining away for my ex. I am just right now at a very pivotal point in my life and I am very scared. That is why I am pining away for the ex. Tomorrow, the movers come in to move all my furniture. I am still not packed yet. My place still looks very lived in. The movers are coming and taking away my stuff and I am driving out to San Diego at the end of this week, alone. I am very scared about doing the drive out to San Diego by myself but I have no one who is going to come with me. I do everything by myself and it pains me to see other people who have a SO and I cant keep one. I always end up by myself, doing stuff by myself. I dont seem to have any friends. Our mutual friend was supposed to come out with me but she may not be able to come with me. I was hurt by that. Sometimes I feel as though people dont care about me. All they want to do is use me for something or another. I really am afraid to move away from here. I have been here for 15 years and I have trouble moving away from things. You can just imagine how I am feeling right now, sitting here on the floor staring at all the stuff in disarray that needs to be packed away, etc. I dont know how I am going to be able to do it. I want to just run, hide and cry. I dont have the courage to do all this. I dont want to do this alone. I am very scared.

I want to know one thing from you people, how do you guys manage to go on and establish new relationships, esp after you invest so much time and effort into one, it turns out long term, and then the SO dumps you and leaves you. How do you guys deal with it and manage to go on and find new love relationships??? Doesnt that hurt stay with you? Arent you kind of afraid of trusting someone else??? I have always been afraid of being hurt since I have been emotionally hurt many times in my life by my mother. How do you guys have the fortitude to go on? I have been hurt a few times and am afraid to get involved in new relationships because of fear of having my heart broken.

Has anybody ever noticed this? That once you do decide to move on with your life and forget about the ex, then something always comes up to remind you about the ex? Like last week with his mother's phone call. I was having a good time out in LA getting ready for my move, and, out of the blue, she calls me to tell me to keep hope alive. Also, with time, do obsessions go away, or can they get worse?? It has been 3 1/2 months since my ex broke up with me and although my obsession for him has gotten better, it is still there, and there are times when it is worse and other times when it is better, but it is always there in the back of my head.

What you are saying is that when we finally DO change and let go of our ex and grow/mature, is when the ex finally comes back. We can't fake the change but we have to CHANGE. When you say that, it makes me think of the universe watching down on us to see if we change, and if we truly change, they bring the ex back, but by then we are over them and moved on our way. But if we dont change, and we fake it, fate makes sure the ex dont come back. Am I correct?

I just wish the healing would come quickly. RIght now with the holidays and all that, I still feel very hurt and afraid of things. The move is killing me. Still trying to pack. The movers are coming tomorrow.

Yes, I am holding on tight to this situation. This is the first person I have ever had a normal relationship with and the holidays make the breakup even worse, even though the breakup only happened three months ago. I am having a hard time moving on. I had thought he would never leave since he did have feelings for me and he did love me at one time. I guess my loss of feelings for him and the way I treated him, helped to kill the love that he had for me at one time. Yes, I am angry about being dumped because I tend to always be the person who is dumped. I started to lose my feelings for him in Feb of this year. I could have dumped him because of my loss of feelings, but I didnt do that. I didnt do that because I knew that was cruel and mean and I didnt want to hurt him. I pulled away from him and gave him more time for his friends and he wanted me back so bad. I didnt know how to deal so I gave him a long leash. I thought that could help our relationship even though I couldnt stand being around him. Instead, when Ren Faire season came around, he went and met someone else, then he dumped me. I forgot that he could meet someone at Ren Faire, because, that is how he met me, or I met him, at a Ren Faire event. I tried to be the good person and not dump someone, because I knew how much it hurt to dump someone, plus I wasnt sure if I DIDNT want him either. Next time around, if I start losing feelings for someone, I am going to dump their *ss before they get the chance to dump me. Guys are *ssholes.