Msnak

Dancing off a cliff...wow, what an image to behold. I fell off that cliff a few times in 2005, and that was after thinking I was too smart, too aware to not see the edge. Months ago Annie offered me great advice to help me in a similar situation. She's right about saying what you want in a relationship. That way, if you walk away, you have no regrets. Also, she's right about making sure this guy brings you happiness and not stress. Can you sit down and consider what he brings to your life? Do you think he's worth another try? Can you really be patient to give him time to come around? Do you think he's worth the time and effort? These are questions to ask yourself. They'll give you answers. You already seem to have a good start with relationships, discussing the "big issues" and taking things slow. These two things alone save time and keep you from getting even more hurt in the end. I will say, some guys are terrified by ANY connection a woman offers. Friendship might have even scared this guy. Who knows. But I gotta say, he's sounding like an infant who is good at being polite or politically correct. I understand what you mean about telling EVERYONE in your life how you met a great guy and then...he proves you wrong. So sorry! It's very hard to admit, because even though it's the GUY's fault, it always gets projected on us, as the person who's at fault or bad in relationships. Vent away. Don't worry, we're here to listen.

Smitten, your words mirrored mine three months ago. I was tired of the actions not matching the words, so I decided to just let go. I had told him everything I wanted to say, and I decided to see if his actions (fighting for me) would match his words (sure, let's be together). Days turned into weeks into months and I never heard from him again. It baffled me more than it hurt, because he seemed like an honest guy. But truthful men have spines and don't mind speaking their heart about something. Sometimes when a girl is nice, a guy doesn't have it in him to dis her, let her go verbally, so they disappear. That is a sign that the guy didn't really want a relationship with you after all. Because it only takes a minute to call, email, visit or text, and let someone know you care. Secretly, I thought my spineless guy was "the one" and part of me wants him to recognize we're good together. But the inconsistencies on his part wrecked my level of inner peace. Over the past few months I have my peace back. I miss the idiot but it's his loss! Yes, I hate to say it, but do find someone who will see your value and not say things they don't mean. God will bring you the person you are meant to be with. (Side note: My friend tells me that this may mean it could be someone you've met, who simply has to change first.)

Absolutely soul bearing. What a style you have, keep writing! You're awesome!

I love music. I have the following songs that fit me when I'm trying to get over someone: Sarah McLachlan "Stupid" Weezer "Perfect Situation" Jack Johnson "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" Staind "Right Here Waiting" Justin Timberlake "Still On My Brain" (also Paula Abdul & Natalie Imbruglia!!) Alana Davis "A Chance With You" Faith Hill "Let Me Let Go" Faith Hill "Like We Never Loved At All" Kylie Minogue "Can't Get You Outta My Head" Lifehouse "Blind" (if you like, search Google for lyrics) And these songs remind me how I will feel and be treated when I find the one: Edwin McCain "I'll Be" Foo Fighters "Walking After You" Toni Braxton "I Love Me Some Him" Garth Brooks "You Move Me" Restless Heart "I'll Still Be Lovin' You" Tim McGraw & Faith Hill "It's Your Love" Faith Evans "I Love You" Josh Kelley "Amazing" Lifehouse "You & Me" The Cure "Love Song"

The slow disappearing act is cruel, and as you get older, you'll probably have it done to you, unfortunately. Just let her know your feelings have changed! You'll both be OK!

Roxy--you're smart not to give up this easily. You're right, it's early in the relationship and nothing's in stone, so why get bent out of shape easily, right? I just don't buy into too many excuses anymore. I did that and tend to get burned. But I do know how I get when I'm busy, sick or feeling moody! I don't call ANYONE for a bit! But this is true: if he really wants to get to know you better, he'll make the move.

Wow, your post was SO interesting! I'm very happy to see that you've been able to review each "case" and come to a conclusion. I think it shows you're self aware. And I also see that you are good at getting women interested...it's just the maintaining the interest that's hard. Trust me, that's the case for lots of us. Which is why there's lots of posters on this site that have trouble meeting anyone beyond the first or second date. I suppose I think there are a few reasons for that: 1. allowing time to pass before making a decision on someone 2. all parties being completely up front and open 3. all parties being truly ready to date 4. all parties expressing interest in someone instead of holding back Do you have certain characteristics of a woman you're drawn to? Say: intelligent, good at conversation, sense of humor, good cook, etc.?? Try listing the best qualities of the women you've dated/married/loved and see if that might help as a guideline for the future. Maybe these dates and these women aren't signs that you're doing anything wrong, it could just be the wrong person. Wrong time. Wrong fit. As for each woman: weak excuses seem like a cover that someone isn't ready to date. Because if you are, you're honest with someone to say "I like you" or "We don't click." For those women that there was no mutual chemistry, that does happen a lot. Don't give up on the woman you feel the most for. Try once more, you might be surprised. It's better to try than to live with regrets or what ifs. You mentioned that you have a few close friends...as we get older, I'm being told by people that that's a very common thing. So, don't fret over that, I guess. Love what you wrote about the ranking system. But yeah, you are being hard on yourself for being divorced. It's not a flaw in you, it's simply part of your history. You're not a broken, worthless potential mate. You simply have tried something and it didn't work, but as long as you learned something, you'll move beyond it. Back to the numbers...attractiveness is a factor, yeah. I used to say it wasn't, but that was until I went on a blind date with Quasimodo! That changed my perspective and revealed that, looks matter a bit, but to me, not so much. I go for nerds, and sort of am one myself. Are you basing the number system for yourself on ALL areas of who you are? Intelligence, people skills, social skills, job, lifestyle, etc? I don't think the # of friends really means too much, as long as you have a few! If you don't, it might mean people are repelled by you. But, that's not your problem. Do you date only select women? That might help decrease the usual self-analyzing that takes place during that process. Again, try a guideline of traits you're in search of. And keep your eyes peeled in all your interactions with others. Don't give up the online dating scene, it's full of duds, but there are also jewels mixed in. I will say this: Online dating is often a place for the lazy, the workaholics, the weird, the shy, the ones who need approval from others, the "about to give up" and the desperate. But again, there are jewels out there online. Sorting through them is tricky. Anyway, these are my thoughts....

Being shallow? Well, that's debatable. But if you like him enough, it won't matter about his hair. Maybe it wasn't hair plugs, but something like cheap hair products? LOL!? Perhaps he didn't kiss you for all this time until things felt right for him. I don't think there's a recipe for intimacy that we all need to follow. You know, kiss on the first date, or whatnot. You have to do what feels right in that relationship, and be aware of long-term implications and consequences. Don't make any decisions yet, this kiss (as Faith Hill once sang) is one step and you have a ways to go before you really have to decide if this person is someone you really want to be with.

Lonely-- I believed you about eminem...can't even fathom it, but it's true! Wow. And we all know how he's felt about her. Talk about ups and downs. But whatever they shared, it was intense enough to linger. Overcoming those odds...wow.

I say, give him a chance--ONLY if you really, really want to. Give it a week or so, just hang out with him, take things slow. Don't promise anything, don't expect anything. See how serious he really is. And sure, he should work for it, but don't punish him. Be the bigger person! Already he seems to recognize your fine points, but missed them the first go-round!

I worried about that, I met the guy I thought was my perfect match. He'd do stuff that would irritate me, or was rather inconsiderate and I never yelled, never cried. Not sure why. Wish I knew! But I can say I didn't love him. Though, in time, I feel it was headed that way. I was so concerned that we hadn't argued, because that proves to me, at least, that you really feel strongly about something! And that was an issue I had with him--his feelings towards me weren't as strong as he tried to make them seem. Or as strong as I wanted them to be. So the crying thing...it speaks volumes. Of course, no one should cry all the time...that's a whole nother thread! LOL!

No problem! Good luck! I'm learning guitar myself! A by-product of trying to get over a guy. Who knew I'd end up feeling more alive?!

How to change your thinking? Well, I don't know. Time will do it. And self-talk. Positive or negative. If you can build a wall around yourself so that other people's thoughtless words don't maim you, that will help. But there's no builder I would trust to do that! LOL! I just had a date a few weeks back with a divorced man with four kids. I'm childless and never married. I liked him, but he said he was done with raising kids, and I haven't gotten to that point yet. So, I calmly informed him we were at different life stages. He wasn't mad, he completely understood. That's the key--find someone who's in your life stage. We can't all be "The Donald" and marry younger women who have child # 6 for us. That's just unrealistic for the most part, and most of those relationships don't last. (Except for Clint Eastwood's current one!) Now I sound nuts, but that's my 2 cents.

Small-- Absolutely! Perhaps you're one of those writers that simply must be inspired to write? I only write poems when I am mad, sad, frustrated or hurt. When I'm happy---there's no time and I can't waste energy on it! How weird! But I have over 600 poems, most of them about relationships. And though I'm a happy-go-lucky person, some of my poems can be melancholic. Again, weird!

Hmm, the financial security issue is certainly an interesting one. Let's see it from two perspectives. Ladies first. Yes, a woman most likely wants to get married and have kids. Yes, most women would love to spend precious moments raising their kids. Is that feasible for everyone? No. Financially, socially, career-wise...heck, my mom got bored around the house and went back to work and let her sister watch me as a toddler. But again, look at the colleges--filled with women. Not women in college until a man saves them from the real world. Women who are challenging themselves and building a career. Many will postpone it for children, but they will pretty much have a career. There will always be women who don't want to work and who will be full-time stay-at-home moms. Now...men. Men are still taught to be the ones that take care of their family. To be smart and savvy and climb the ladder. They're supposed to "bring home the bacon" and whatnot. But not all men want to do that. Some, by the nature of their jobs, cannot do that. And why should a guy have to front the bills of an entire family if he doesn't want to? In that case, he should marry a woman who will help with finances. Some guys like their equal. Some guys like to be the primary money makers. Some don't care. Some are scared by women who earn more. My point is that there's too many cases of differing values and opinions. So, just find your perfect match, as someone said earlier. And that means recognizing what you want and being prepared to go after it.

Hey Tiger...Andy223 was right, you're being quite hard on yourself. You have great things about you. As my co-worker said, you are a good enough person that someone has once agreed to marry you--thereforeeee, you have great qualities inside, even if you don't think you do. Of the last five guys I've dated, the two I liked the most were quite unsure of themself at times, but overall great guys. Three were gorgeous, but worthless. (Not that that has anything to do with anything, necessarily.) It's normal to feel like you're not a catch. But you are. I understand you've been burned, hurt, let down, disappointed, led on, etc. But you will be fine if you keep trying. God made us into wonderful beings and we can do all things through Him. Look at your surroundings...are there new places to go? New hobbies to try? Don't be afraid, think of something you've always wanted to do. I know you've probably heard it before, but if you work on yourself, love yourself, find yourself so interesting...others will too.

I think that a lot of guys and some gals start off saying they don't want to get too serious. Then, the RIGHT someone can change them. But before that happens, a lot of WRONG someones might get hurt along the way. If you want to get married someday, it might be wise to skip the dates who don't see marriage in their future.

Here's another perspective. Maybe it's not really a bad thing you two haven't kissed. The reason: because if you have feelings for someone else, if he kisses you, it might not mean a thing. Or, maybe the anticipation will work in your favor. Besides, if you're not over someone, it's not really being fair to the next person. So, getting to know someone over time will reveal the true feelings you have without the complications brought about from the physical side of the relationship. And since it's early in the relationship, this will give you time to really examine him and the connection. (Smallworld...wow, your details show you could write romance novels! A mere touch seems like a force of nature through your eyes! Do you write poetry or something?)

Uh...recently, I read the following book in 4 hours and found it interesting, true in parts and funny: Love Smart : Find the One You Want--Fix the One You Got (Hardcover) by And this author is good: This series is good: The Every Man Series You can find these on Amazon and other sites.

I would suggest...show him what you're worth. What are you good at? What hobbies of yours might he find interesting? Don't hide what makes you -- you. Let him see that wonderful side of you. That's something I've been learning more and more to do. I was talking to a 43-year-old bachelor today, he said he likes it when a lady has her act together, shows class, doesn't mind nurturing a guy a bit, and doesn't mind asking for help when necessary. Not sure if it helps, but he's spectacular, just a workaholic who just awoke in his life and said, "gee, a woman to share life with would be great." We traded advice, and basically I told him that it seems men like it when a woman will take the lead every now and then. He agreed! So, take the lead for a bit, see what happens! Good luck!!

This will sound so stupid, but grab a pen and pad. Then, create lists--these are to inspire you. A list of the places you want to travel; things/hobbies you want to try/learn; qualities in a dream mate you require; lessons learned from previous relationships; and lastly, consider writing a list of friends and family you have in your life that mean the most. Meditate on the blessings and good things in your life, and that will eventually overtake the pain and sadness. It will take time, but it's kind of like training for a marathon, training your brain and heart to recognize the future and what it holds. May sound corny, I know, if so, I'm sorry!

Well, you've certainly talked about every possible thing in regards to the "big issues" of a relationship. Gender expectations, children, careers, religion, meeting family members...very good. So many people get bogged down in silly, less-important things. I know men who'd left women because they didn't know enough about sports, or were good at their careers. LOL! As for advice about you and Jennifer getting together, that's tough. I wouldn't know what to say other than to be slow, be forgiving, and make decisions only when either of you is as sure as possible. What you're doing with Jennifer--sticking around to see what develops, is what she's doing with Brad. Both of you want to avoid missing out, and that's a very understandable thing. Your analogy about the parachute is a good one. I so dearly want you to land on your feet, safely...with Jennifer there to applaud a stellar landing.

Lion, You hit on it exactly right when you said it's her who lost out, because each of us really is a prize. And we deserve someone who can recognize how valuable a prize we are. Onward and upward!

There could be a chance, but don't get your hopes up and be prepared to be patient, and maybe persistent. Something similar happened with me, where instead of being pursued, I had to start pursuing. Hated that, it's not my nature, because it makes me feel as if the guy hasn't made me a priority anymore, which = relationship over. But in my case, sometimes the guy gets frustrated or shy. Just apologize sincerely, give him space, time, but do let him know you're still interested.

I agree, the more you know, the harder it is to go. Yet, if you feel there is a chance, you have every right to stick around and see what comes your way. Prayerfully, what your heart desires. I will keep you in my prayers. It sounds like Jennifer is starting to recognize more and more the differences in the lifestyles of her two suitors. I believe you are thinking about you, you've made points that maybe you're wrong to be around her, should possibly move on, but only you know where your heart is. And yes, having your heart open to a person, does mean the possibility of pain. But if you don't take a risk every now and then, you gain nothing. So, perhaps you're thinking of how your life would be with Jennifer, and you're already proving how non-selfish you are, through your words on this site. Your concern for her current and future happiness speak volumes of the type of man you are.