Msnak

Jadtt--Just take your time and let the relationship progress slowly. One thing about dating older men, usually, is that they're more mature and they'll be more into a social, emotional and intellectual connection, instead of just a physical connection. That means you'll be able to have enough knowledge of him, his intentions and how you both feel about each other. The hot/cold thing probably happens more than it should with most of us, but during the "cold" cycle, it does give you space and time to consider what you like about the person, and if they're good for you. Good luck!

Ooh, Charliek--good point in suggesting a "break up buddy" -- so cool. I used to trust my best friends for that, but their advice is rather disheartening these days, perhaps, with age, they've gained a negative perspective! So, I've found a more balanced break up buddy in my old neighbor who's 60 and was married for 30 years before her husband died. She listens and only offers advice when I seek it.

Wow, this is full of feeling. Written with a nice image in that glue wasn't offered to fix the broken heart. Creative.

Someone who would: --know when I've had a bad day by just looking at me --be the person to cheer me up when I've cheered up half the world --be trustworthy and faithful --share my beliefs and values --call me for no reason --make only the promises they intend to keep --let me be the boss sometimes, but still take the lead --eat all the stuff I experiment with in the kitchen --like cats, kids and John Cusack movies --have their own interests, their own friends, require their own space --want to travel the world --inspire me to write poetry about them for the rest of my days

Jadtt, Can I just say "Awww...." it is so cool that he's showing how he feels with actions and not just words. The daily calls might be enough to freak anyone out when you're not used to it. (I've done the same! Even to the point I'd see his number and purposely not answer because I couldn't get my mouth to function!) I sympathize with your fear of messing things up with him. Just take a deep breath, keep your eyes open and see what happens! Good luck!

Exactly how do you freak out?

Guys with many female friends have obviously mastered the drill of behaving well, listening, treating a woman with respect and being dependable. It seems that a man with a female friend is fortunate to be learning about the opposite sex; however, sometimes in that learning process, you might realize you're attracted to that friend. Perhaps they're nice, pretty or interesting. Maybe they make you feel a certain way. But the attraction is something that can be ignored if you have enough self-control and think about the consequences of acting on that attraction. Sometimes the attraction can destroy the friendship, sometimes it'll go away. It depends on the guy and the girl and the friendship situation. I don't think a man ISN'T a man for having female friends. I actually find men with female friends to be more interesting. Being friends with someone of the opposite gender helps because you have insight into how the other sex thinks, acts and wants. Oddly, I have very few female friends with male friends. And those females are always accusing me of liking my male friends (or vice-versa). Somehow, when we're little kids, and we may grow up playing with kids of every sex, as we hit adolescence, we suddenly divide and stick to our own kind. That's really too bad. Though there is a need for guys night out, and girls night out, a mixed group is also quite a nice bunch.

Relationship Coach--you propose a great question. I'll bite. Here's my answer. I would like someone to break up with me face-to-face, in public, (say a quaint restaurant) and not around a holiday. I would like a reason (even if it's lame, it'll keep me from wondering) and I would like the person not to feel obligated to say "we can be friends." Because I don't stay friends with people I break up with! I have enough friends! I would listen, and if I felt the same way, or disagreed, I'd let them know. Now, for an aside, most guys treat me as if I'm a marshmallow and can't handle the truth! Hate that!

Hmm, I'm a low maintenance woman...what does that say about me? LOL! I'm happier with a cheap Hershey chocolate bar than a dozen of roses, I like going on picnics and hiking and could care less about a fancy sit-down dinner. Maybe that's why I have lots of guy friends, but not a boyfriend right now? I dunno! Anyway, FCT--I guess there are women and men of every sort. We reveal our natures so soon, some of us. Certain women are clingy and needy and will do whatever just to keep a man. And I hear certain men are like that too. I think it ties into self-esteem. OK, back to the original post--what causes a guy to back off? Here's my two cents: (guys, let me know if I'm right!) --women who are too busy --women who aren't spontaneous --women who have too many male friends (this is a personal experience) --women who are too close to their families --women with no clear career/life goals --women who require too much attention from a man --women who are suspicious of everything about a man --women who don't think they're pretty in some way

"Being hooked" on the cycle of staying in touch, then disappearing is absolutely awful! I've never had to deal with it before during the holidays until now. Thank God I didn't take any extra days from work, it would be more time to think about my ex. ---Dogg--blame the holidays. It makes the strongest of us mushy. It makes the Scrooges kind (sometimes) for a brief minute. It shuts off our brains, even. That's how people can become reminiscent, consumeristic, overeaters, etc---it's that undiagnosed holiday syndrome! Does anyone ever have those "Lord of the Rings" moments where you feel like Smeagol and Gollum? Where you have conversations in your heart about, "my ex was evil! they never really cared they were playing games!" or "my ex was making a mistake and didn't mean it"? LOL!

Everyone makes mistakes, does stupid things, does things they don't always understand. It's good that you're forgiving and that you're able to see that he's still a good person. He's just doing things that are unfortunately, out of character. Stick around, let him know you're there for him, encourage him to be straight with you, and pray with him about his situation. I think his lie to you and then coming clean about it shows that he needs help, so suddenly, even though you're young and maybe unsure what to do, he's looking to you. That says a lot about your relationship! So, if you're confused, seek help from someone you trust, maybe a pastor or counselor, as was suggested. Just be there for him and remain patient.

FCTEX--LOL! C'mon guys...more responses on this one!!

I keep noticing guys in their teens through 30s seem to like it when women ask and approach. So, no problems there. All someone can say is yes or no. And most times it's the guy asking, and women smile at someone at let a chance pass, maybe the guy was shy, or the woman was only going to end up with him if he made the first move. I say, if you like someone, don't wait around forever or it'll never happen. Women have a mouth, women can ask. Men have a mouth, men can ask. Everyone would save time if they took a bit of effort to say what they are thinking, instead of waiting four weeks, wondering about it, losing the opportunity. This is a lesson I've learned!

Save time, save wondering, just ask her--make the next contact--which would surprise her. Ask her if she wants to try again. But be prepared for her response, and then, have your answer ready. Live live the simple way and shock the socks of her by posing the question now, before the thoughts drive you nuts. If she's not wanting a second go-round, tell her maybe she shouldn't call anymore.

Follow your heart is the best advice, depending on the circumstances, decide what consequences will result if you respond. I nearly sent one of these type of messages to my ex, but didn't because it's likely I'll get him interested again and we'll hit the same wall we hit before. You have to decide if the consequences are worth it. And if you'll have regrets, either way.

Ninjagirl--thanks for the update! Really love finding out what happens in some scenarios! Glad to know it worked out for you thus far. You're right about the aggressive girl thing--I think most guys in their teens to early 30s really like aggressive girls. Of course, we're still in that traditional mindset that women are s'posed to wait for the guy to show interest, do the calling, ask us out, etc. But in some cases, if the guy never does it, or is too shy or uncertain, things will never get started!

So here's what happened... I didn't go on the date. I did tell the guy twice-via email and on the phone--shirtless pictures are a sign that maybe he's all about sex. So guess what? He responds, and I'm not kidding: "Don't get the wrong idea, the shirtless picture is the only picture I have that's recent. Besides, I've been celibate for a year now." That's not what I was getting at! And that sparks no sympathy or hope or anything in me. He's a bloomin' idiot! I agreed to meet him at a restaurant, and started laughing to myself when he said he drives a sports car. (Remember the saying: people are overcompensating for something when they have a fancy car? I first heard that in "Mrs. Doubtfire.") LOL!!! Anyway, his work schedule hasn't been too kind to him lately, so he had to reschedule and had the NERVE to ask if I could stop by his place on my way (225 mile drive) to visit my family on Thanksgiving Day. I told him NO! He also wants more than 2 hours with me, but I have notoriously strange first dates, so I limit them to 2 hours when I'm planning it, but I'll stick around longer if the person is cool. Thank God he hasn't called in a few days, so I hope he's gone away. Instead of going on the date with him, I went to my friend's house and she introduced me to her single neighbor...ooh, la, la!

MJ--whoa, you hit on something there. When you sense someone withdrawing, you have two options, say something or do nothing. Asking a date if they're still interested is a SMART and FAIR question because it shows you're interested, shows you need a status report, and gives you a chance to address any early problems that might falsely kill a relationship. Also, you can find out if either of you are simply wasting your time. I've had to ask that of just one guy--every other guy was crystal clear about continuing or ending the relationship. The one guy I asked said he was interested but his actions didn't match his words! A girl can only take so many excuses and apologies! Now, if you sense someone is withdrawing and they're taking a big trip somewhere, perhaps we've all learned from this board, it might be a good idea to be brave and confront them about the signs of withdrawal. Venturer--join my circle anytime!

Diggity--Ok, you explained things and that makes sense. Thanks. Too bad our society is filled with people bumbling around unsure of how to do things the best way. We're really all doing our best -- well, most of us. It's that process where we make mistakes and hurt people, usually unwittingly. In my circle of friends, the women who end it always do so rather curtly, after they've percieved a man to have messed up one too many times. Usually not even being aware when they made mistakes themselves! Go figure. Most of my guy friends are single. The few that are married also broke up with their now-wives, but eventually realized they needed/wanted them and made amends.

Poco-- Huh? What do you mean women give men the opportunity to break up first? Doesn't that imply a woman wants to end the relationship and is expecting the man to notice the signs? Doesn't that mean a man is screwed if he doesn't? Suddenly he's the problematic one....

OK, here's a variation on this question...for ex's that go back...is there a tendency for that to happen in short-term relationships or long-term relationships? (For example, if someone's together 6 years and breaks up, then one person goes back to the other, versus someone who's together five months and goes back.)

hmm, well, it's the common thing now for people to say a bar is one of the worst places to meet someone. And judging by the guys approaching me, that's a fair statement. I guess the place you meet someone speaks volumes--at a volunteer event, a bar, online, the grocery store.... But if you feel a connection, you have to act on it, time waits for no one. I think most people are game players, unfortunately.

Shy-- You're simply talented and wise! This poem echoes feelings I've certainly felt before. Wow, good stuff. --Msnak

So I'm a few days late in replying, but I think I felt guilty from the first 24 hours after not letting a guy know I didn't want to see him anymore. So, when this happened two years ago, I made a promise to myself to be brave and just ask and just tell whatever I need to say about a relationship. The disappearing acts really do take longer to get over, and even leave some people with hope. What's interesting is when someone disappears and reappears....

TiredMan--interesting comment about the part about women being hit on more, which results in men jumping through hoops. LOL! It's pretty much true, I think guys know that they have a lot of work to do. And when they don't do it, they sometimes lose out. Wouldn't you say that's why women are usually the mad ones in a relationship when the romance dies? Because the man stopped "doing the work" it takes to keep a woman happy. And women, I admit, are often not satisfied with status quo, we require originality and consistency. Back to going back to ex's...I've tried it just once. It was a crush that I couldn't get over, so when I had a chance I approached the guy and he was interested but in a quandary...his ex-gf was expecting his first kid. So, I got over him in like 3 minutes! LOL! I've had about a dozen guys who will call me, visit me, etc and try to come back into my life. If they're not jerks or don't burn bridges (mistreat me, leave on bad terms, etc) I give them a try. Actually, right now, there's a guy I wish would return! But he's got stuff to figure out first, or I don't want to be bothered!